roachboy

i've been thinking about this thread for a bit and this is what i can suggest to you pan...

first off, i met my father when i was 20--i hadn't seen him since i was 5--and things did not turn out so well in the longer run insofar as building a relationship went---but regardless, i can tell you (from my experience anyway) that no matter the outcome, this is worth doing. no matter what happens, you will learn alot--maybe in some ways more than you want to know, or--better--alot that is different enough from what you are expecting that it may seem as if it is more than you want to know.

--try not to have expectations. by this i don't mean erase your mind: more try to let your expectations float as a way of allowing yourself to remain open to what is possible and what is not possible. this is hard because it runs against what i expect you feel. but you have to remember that you are (and in curious ways that may become evident as you talk, if you do, are not) strangers to each other.

--try not to let your mind race ahead of where you are. this may be important if it turns out that you are right and that your bio-father is now wealthy--he could suspect mercenary motivations and these suspicions could develop on the basis of really silly things, like allowing yourself too much latitude for projection.
my father got the idea that my brother and i were interested in building a relationship because he had cash. so far as i remember, he kinda made that up--but i dont know, maybe something one of us said triggered it. at one point, he decided to test us out by telling us that he had cancer. but he didnt. he was a fun kinda guy, let me tell you.

at any rate, much of this remains quite outside your control. the only thing you can really do is try to exlude it as a variable as you try to talk to him.

--try not to frame the interaction to yourself as acceptance or rejection simply because the conversation, when you have it, if this is the right guy, will be obviously over-determined situationally.
it will be emotionally very strange for both of you.
sometimes the situation itself shapes the outcomes. this might be one of those times--in which case the outcomes are as much about the situation as anything else--acceptance or rejection of you as a person would come later.
so dont frame it this way to yourself going in--you'll distort your reactions within an already complicated space.

--most importantly: make the call.

on a semi-related note, two goofy sidebar stories--when i first got to philadelphia, i found that sun ra--whose music i love--was listed in the philly phonebook...ra, sun...so i had this day job and every so often i would look up the number and dial it to the last digit. then i'd put the phone down. i should have called. i wonder what would have happened. here's why: going the other way, i worked with cornelius castoriadis--a french-based philosopher--for quite a long time on my research for my dissertation and other things--i met him because i called him up. frankly, the last thing on earth i expected was for him to answer the phone--but he did. that phonecall altered the course of my life. and i only made it because i was quite sure he wouldn't answer. once i regained my equilibrium a little, we have a conversation and i met him a few weeks later in baltimore. that was when the test came--but i suspected is was coming, so i was ready for it--and it was a much less pathological exercise then the one dear old dad decided it would be funny to run.

so make the call.

that's what i can tell you.
good luck.
let us know how things turn out for you, if you feel so inclined (this is ultimately a private matter, which is why i say that)...

__________________
a gramophone its corrugated trumpet silver handle
spinning dog. such faithfulness it hear

it make you sick.

-kamau brathwaite