Spontaneous Masturbation (NSFW) - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

JumpinJesus · 01-21-2007, 05:24 PM

Remember that picture we've all seen of that old geezer-lady that suddenly burst into flames in the bathroom?

I started wondering what she could be doing in the bathroom that would cause her to suddenly burst into flames and I thought, what if she were masturbating and it was God's spontaneous wrath? It's not as if we can tell from that photo. All that's left was a pile of ashes and a couple of feet.

Then, I got to thinking, has anyone ever spontaneously masturbated? I mean, like, you're sitting there, doing your taxes when all of a sudden you start to rub one out? Or maybe you're watching Deal or No Deal and just when Howie Mandel points to the camera, you reach down your pants and grab hold of something?

Me personally, I haven't ever spontaneously masturbated, but I plan on doing it soon. Oddly enough, planning on it doesn't make it spontaneous, does it?

Let's discuss spontaneous masturbation and let's do it here because if I have to read one more thread about the mundane bullshit of daily life I'm going to masturbate on my balcony in broad daylight.

Oh, and just so we don't have to have that thought in our heads, I'll put in a photo to aid in the discussion of spontaneous masturbation.

For the ladies and gay men:

For the men and lesbians:

Ourcrazymodern? · 01-21-2007, 05:44 PM

never heard of it

now that you've mentioned it, though, I think I do it all the time...thanks for the second visual. WHAT a concept.

mixedmedia · 01-21-2007, 06:06 PM

Well, I try my best not to masturbate in public, but otherwise I think I spontaneously masturbate pretty often. I have been known to lock myself into my bathroom and masturbate in front of my full-length mirror.

And I take showers simply for the purpose of masturbation quite often. Maybe this is the best way to prevent spontaneous combustion. Gawd, I'd hate for that to happen.

Is this the sort of information you're looking for?

Tamerlain · 01-21-2007, 06:13 PM

I do it often enough. Sometimes I'll just get the urge to masturbate and I'll go masturbate.

I've only masturbated once at work, but I've done it quite a few times as a pubescent little boy at friends' houses (what else do pubescent little boys do?

)

-Tamerlain

Rampage · 01-21-2007, 07:05 PM

Howie regularly commands me to begin the revolution, but never to spontaneously masturbate.

shalafi · 01-21-2007, 07:16 PM

Hell JJ I do that all the time....Thank Grace my little winky hasn't caught on fire yet.

Halx · 01-21-2007, 07:24 PM

I'm bad about this. I'll be reading the news or playing a roleplaying game... then bam! I'm masturbating. It comes out of nowhere.

Painted · 01-21-2007, 08:39 PM

Sometimes the thought..the feeling will just happen to slip into my mind. I'll be staring at Patrick Stewart's bald head on Star Trek, then a little increase in heart rate and thoughts about the opposite sex spontaneously happen (not that I get turned on by Patrick Stewart...err..)

mixedmedia · 01-21-2007, 08:52 PM

I often get the urge while I'm cleaning house. Wonder what that could mean?

powerclown · 01-21-2007, 09:28 PM

That Heineken commercial with the dripping bottle and the flashing lights.
Like Pavlov's Dog.

spectre · 01-21-2007, 10:07 PM

My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, *Snap* the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

analog · 01-21-2007, 10:13 PM

.............well? Did he come or what??

spectre · 01-21-2007, 10:14 PM

Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public.

shesus · 01-22-2007, 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedmedia

I often get the urge while I'm cleaning house. Wonder what that could mean?

It's the vacuum cleaner. All that power...gets me everytime.

I'm vacuuming and then *bam* strip tease dancing.

Spec, lmao...you so made that up.

I used to do spontaneous masturbation a lot more. It would be quite shocking because I wouldn't know what was going on until...Whoa, whose hand is that? Oh it's mine.

That happened from ages 13-23 I think. Not so often anymore now that I'm married and all. But occassionally it does occur. Fun times.

mixedmedia · 01-22-2007, 04:51 AM

How about masturbating in your sleep? I've woken up with my hand between my legs going at it many times. *shrug* I dunno...old habits die hard.

healer · 01-22-2007, 06:42 AM

You bunch of freaks!

I still love you guys.

Charlatan · 01-22-2007, 06:48 AM

I for one vote well go back to talking about daily boring life if only to force JJ to masturbate on his balcony in broad daylight.

mixedmedia · 01-22-2007, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healer

You bunch of freaks!

I still love you guys.

awww, you say the sweetest things.

loquitur · 01-22-2007, 07:05 AM

Well, MM, the good thing about doing it in the shower is that if you spontaneously catch fire it'll get put out real quick.

Back when I used to need to do it five-six times a day it couldn't be spontaneous because I wasn't living alone and didn't have privacy. Now that I'm a geezer I don't need it as often. Still nice every now and again when company isn't available, though.

absorbentishe · 01-22-2007, 07:44 AM

I used to, when ever. Now, it's so much more difficult. The length of time it takes, and no availability (by myself time) has totally disappeared. I'm sure I would more often if I were able to.

flat5 · 01-22-2007, 10:21 AM

..........

World's King · 01-22-2007, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedmedia

How about masturbating in your sleep? I've woken up with my hand between my legs going at it many times. *shrug* I dunno...old habits die hard.

A few weeks ago my girlfriend woke me up cause I was masturbating in my sleep.

And no... she didn't help. She just rolled over and went back to sleep.

mixedmedia · 01-22-2007, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by World's King

A few weeks ago my girlfriend woke me up cause I was masturbating in my sleep.

And no... she didn't help. She just rolled over and went back to sleep.

awww, it started out so good, but then it ended so sad.

Bill O'Rights · 01-22-2007, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by World's King

A few weeks ago my girlfriend woke me up cause I was masturbating in my sleep.

And no... she didn't help. She just rolled over and went back to sleep.

So...

I take it then that the "Honeymoon" phase of the relationship is over?

World's King · 01-22-2007, 02:06 PM

Thanks guys... now it's really depressing.

pig · 01-22-2007, 02:37 PM

jj,

great thread. and the answer is: yes, of course. insomnia + bad tv + ??? = smackalackaslimadomadingdong. i mean, at times when i was younger (which, albeit is all moments up to now) i've knocked it out in a car. while driving. at other people's houses. i mean, really....

i've never dropped one off and blown up. i guess that lends credence to the dangers of static electricity and aggressively rubbing dry, rough surfaces to the point of incineration. what's most distressing is when my pets are around. you think they know what's going on? i choose to believe they do. and they're cheering for me.

JumpinJesus · 01-22-2007, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pigglet

jj,

i've never dropped one off and blown up. i guess that lends credence to the dangers of static electricity and aggressively rubbing dry, rough surfaces to the point of incineration. what's most distressing is when my pets are around. you think they know what's going on? i choose to believe they do. and they're cheering for me.

I think they do. My cat always gets off my lap and leaves the room whenever I start yanking.

Charlatan,
Don't make me go out there and do it, 'cause you know I will.

Shesus tells me that I sometimes spontaneously jerk it out in my sleep. So, if I spontaneously combust while masturbating in my sleep, at least it'll be in my sleep.

paulskinback · 01-22-2007, 03:20 PM

Of course... spontaneous is the way forward!

One time, out camping with the guys - said i'd go into the woods to get some firewood... hadn't had one for a while - dropped the wood, dropped my pants, grabbed my wood and wanked away in amongst the trees

Did it in different woods on the way home from a late night drinking session (I think the rush from being scared in the pitch black turned me on

Did it while working late in the ladies toilets (the men's stink of piss)

The list goes on.

Outside in the open is the best in my opinion

mixedmedia · 01-22-2007, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pigglet

jj,

great thread. and the answer is: yes, of course. insomnia + bad tv + ??? = smackalackaslimadomadingdong. i mean, at times when i was younger (which, albeit is all moments up to now) i've knocked it out in a car. while driving. at other people's houses. i mean, really....

i've never dropped one off and blown up. i guess that lends credence to the dangers of static electricity and aggressively rubbing dry, rough surfaces to the point of incineration. what's most distressing is when my pets are around. you think they know what's going on? i choose to believe they do. and they're cheering for me.

Piggie's back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JumpinJesus

Don't make me go out there and do it, 'cause you know I will.

I was almost expecting you to say you already had.

pig · 01-22-2007, 03:33 PM

yeah, but jj, i have to suspect that's just because the vibration disturbs them. maybe they're just getting out of the way. they know something awesometastic is going down, but they don't know what. best to duck and cover, so to speak.

and do you know what the terminal velocity of a dollop of self-release is? i don't. but i bet getting hit by it on the street would suck ass.

m2,

i never really leave. i'm in this place for the long haul. shit, i love the tfp. god, i'm strangely aroused. hold up a second....

ahhhhh...head's all clear.

what were we talking about?

The_Jazz · 01-22-2007, 04:03 PM

Is that what hit me when I was walking to my car? I thought/hoped it was pigeon shit...

pig · 01-22-2007, 04:25 PM

hey, jj love is well...it is what it is. at least you're still alive....the_jizz...i meant, the_jazz

Ourcrazymodern? · 01-22-2007, 07:14 PM

When ya gotta do, ya gotta do. I blame god.

Sweetpea · 01-22-2007, 08:51 PM

It happens. sometimes these things happen... cause who knows how to please you better than yourself?

my advice: just give into the moment

and man this thread... all you talk about is sex on this here forum!!

Can't you talk about some nice crafts or something.....

hehehehe *evil laugh*

analog · 01-22-2007, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ourcrazymodern?

When ya gotta do, ya gotta do. I blame god.

The dinosaurs died because you touch yourself.

spectre · 01-22-2007, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by analog

The dinosaurs died because you touch yourself.

Self Improvement is Masturbation.

analog · 01-22-2007, 11:11 PM

A person once told me that procrastination is like masturbation- in the end, you're just fucking yourself.

Since I do both, and enjoy both, the negative intention of the comparison was lost on me. I should really come up with a hybrid word for that.

...procrasturbation.

spectre · 01-22-2007, 11:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by analog

A person once told me that procrastination is like masturbation- in the end, you're just fucking yourself.

Since I do both, and enjoy both, the negative intention of the comparison was lost on me. I should really come up with a hybrid word for that.

...procrasturbation.

hehehe... classic.

The fireman is very magical, if you rub his helmet and he spits in your eye.

Bill O'Rights · 01-23-2007, 05:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by analog

...procrasturbation.

So...

Is that when you want to masturbate...but you're too lazy, so you put it off until later?

Mister Coaster · 01-23-2007, 06:25 AM

Yeah, I do it all the time, not as much now that I'm in my mid 30's. The strange ones, let's see...

At work - Check
In the car, in traffic trying NOT to be seen - Check
In the car, in traffic TRYING to be seen - Check (reactions are priceless)
Outside on the balcony - Check

But the favorite has to ba a camping one like paulskinback. Kern river, middle of the night, still drunk from the campfire drinking session, I got up and out of the tent to go pee. Took care of that, and since I already had it out, yanking the crank was the obvious choice. We had the killer campsite that was right on the bend of the river, far from the othere sites, complete with a small private "beach." The moonlight was bright and beautiful, I stood on the beach, which is actually out away from any trees, and took care of business. It was religious.

01-21-2007, 05:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
JumpinJesus Junkie Location: Chicago	Spontaneous Masturbation (NSFW) Remember that picture we've all seen of that old geezer-lady that suddenly burst into flames in the bathroom? I started wondering what she could be doing in the bathroom that would cause her to suddenly burst into flames and I thought, what if she were masturbating and it was God's spontaneous wrath? It's not as if we can tell from that photo. All that's left was a pile of ashes and a couple of feet. Then, I got to thinking, has anyone ever spontaneously masturbated? I mean, like, you're sitting there, doing your taxes when all of a sudden you start to rub one out? Or maybe you're watching Deal or No Deal and just when Howie Mandel points to the camera, you reach down your pants and grab hold of something? Me personally, I haven't ever spontaneously masturbated, but I plan on doing it soon. Oddly enough, planning on it doesn't make it spontaneous, does it? Let's discuss spontaneous masturbation and let's do it here because if I have to read one more thread about the mundane bullshit of daily life I'm going to masturbate on my balcony in broad daylight. Oh, and just so we don't have to have that thought in our heads, I'll put in a photo to aid in the discussion of spontaneous masturbation. For the ladies and gay men: For the men and lesbians: __________________ "I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses Last edited by JumpinJesus; 01-21-2007 at 06:42 PM..

01-21-2007, 05:44 PM	#2 (permalink)
Ourcrazymodern? still, wondering. Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge	never heard of it now that you've mentioned it, though, I think I do it all the time...thanks for the second visual. WHAT a concept. __________________ BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

01-21-2007, 06:06 PM	#3 (permalink)
mixedmedia has all her shots. Location: Florida	Well, I try my best not to masturbate in public, but otherwise I think I spontaneously masturbate pretty often. I have been known to lock myself into my bathroom and masturbate in front of my full-length mirror. And I take showers simply for the purpose of masturbation quite often. Maybe this is the best way to prevent spontaneous combustion. Gawd, I'd hate for that to happen. Is this the sort of information you're looking for? __________________ Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

01-21-2007, 06:13 PM	#4 (permalink)
Tamerlain Insane Location: Victoria	I do it often enough. Sometimes I'll just get the urge to masturbate and I'll go masturbate. I've only masturbated once at work, but I've done it quite a few times as a pubescent little boy at friends' houses (what else do pubescent little boys do? ) -Tamerlain __________________ I never let school interfere with my education.

01-21-2007, 07:24 PM	#7 (permalink)
Halx Please touch this. Owner/Admin Location: Manhattan	I'm bad about this. I'll be reading the news or playing a roleplaying game... then bam! I'm masturbating. It comes out of nowhere. __________________ You have found this post informative. -The Administrator [Don't Feed The Animals]

01-21-2007, 07:05 PM	#5 (permalink)
Rampage Upright Location: ohio	Howie regularly commands me to begin the revolution, but never to spontaneously masturbate.

01-21-2007, 07:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
shalafi ARRRRRRRRRR Location: Stuart, Florida	Hell JJ I do that all the time....Thank Grace my little winky hasn't caught on fire yet.

01-21-2007, 08:39 PM	#8 (permalink)
Painted Pleasure Burn	Sometimes the thought..the feeling will just happen to slip into my mind. I'll be staring at Patrick Stewart's bald head on Star Trek, then a little increase in heart rate and thoughts about the opposite sex spontaneously happen (not that I get turned on by Patrick Stewart...err..) __________________ I came across a nice rack at the department store

01-21-2007, 08:52 PM	#9 (permalink)
mixedmedia has all her shots. Location: Florida	I often get the urge while I'm cleaning house. Wonder what that could mean? __________________ Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

01-21-2007, 09:28 PM	#10 (permalink)
powerclown Junkie Location: Detroit, MI	That Heineken commercial with the dripping bottle and the flashing lights. Like Pavlov's Dog.

01-21-2007, 10:07 PM	#11 (permalink)
spectre Junkie	My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, Snap the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else. __________________ "Fuck these chains No goddamn slave I will be different" ~ Machine Head

01-21-2007, 10:13 PM	#12 (permalink)
analog Banned	.............well? Did he come or what??

01-21-2007, 10:14 PM	#13 (permalink)
spectre Junkie	Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public. __________________ "Fuck these chains No goddamn slave I will be different" ~ Machine Head

01-22-2007, 04:51 AM	#15 (permalink)
mixedmedia has all her shots. Location: Florida	How about masturbating in your sleep? I've woken up with my hand between my legs going at it many times. shrug I dunno...old habits die hard. __________________ Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

01-22-2007, 06:48 AM	#17 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	I for one vote well go back to talking about daily boring life if only to force JJ to masturbate on his balcony in broad daylight. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

01-22-2007, 10:21 AM	#21 (permalink)
flat5 Very Insignificant Pawn Location: Amsterdam, NL	.......... Last edited by flat5; 01-31-2007 at 08:45 AM..

01-22-2007, 07:05 AM	#19 (permalink)
loquitur Junkie Location: NYC	Well, MM, the good thing about doing it in the shower is that if you spontaneously catch fire it'll get put out real quick. Back when I used to need to do it five-six times a day it couldn't be spontaneous because I wasn't living alone and didn't have privacy. Now that I'm a geezer I don't need it as often. Still nice every now and again when company isn't available, though.

01-22-2007, 07:44 AM	#20 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	I used to, when ever. Now, it's so much more difficult. The length of time it takes, and no availability (by myself time) has totally disappeared. I'm sure I would more often if I were able to.

01-22-2007, 02:06 PM	#25 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	Thanks guys... now it's really depressing. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

01-22-2007, 02:37 PM	#26 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	jj, great thread. and the answer is: yes, of course. insomnia + bad tv + ??? = smackalackaslimadomadingdong. i mean, at times when i was younger (which, albeit is all moments up to now) i've knocked it out in a car. while driving. at other people's houses. i mean, really.... i've never dropped one off and blown up. i guess that lends credence to the dangers of static electricity and aggressively rubbing dry, rough surfaces to the point of incineration. what's most distressing is when my pets are around. you think they know what's going on? i choose to believe they do. and they're cheering for me. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

01-22-2007, 03:20 PM	#28 (permalink)
paulskinback Insane	Of course... spontaneous is the way forward! One time, out camping with the guys - said i'd go into the woods to get some firewood... hadn't had one for a while - dropped the wood, dropped my pants, grabbed my wood and wanked away in amongst the trees Did it in different woods on the way home from a late night drinking session (I think the rush from being scared in the pitch black turned me on Did it while working late in the ladies toilets (the men's stink of piss) The list goes on. Outside in the open is the best in my opinion __________________ 'Everything that can be invented has been invented.- - 1899, Charles Duell, U.S. Office of Patents. 'There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.' - Ken Olson, 1977, Digital Equipment Corporation

01-22-2007, 03:33 PM	#30 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	yeah, but jj, i have to suspect that's just because the vibration disturbs them. maybe they're just getting out of the way. they know something awesometastic is going down, but they don't know what. best to duck and cover, so to speak. and do you know what the terminal velocity of a dollop of self-release is? i don't. but i bet getting hit by it on the street would suck ass. m2, i never really leave. i'm in this place for the long haul. shit, i love the tfp. god, i'm strangely aroused. hold up a second.... ahhhhh...head's all clear. what were we talking about? __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style Last edited by pig; 01-22-2007 at 03:37 PM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

01-22-2007, 04:03 PM	#31 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	Is that what hit me when I was walking to my car? I thought/hoped it was pigeon shit... __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

01-22-2007, 04:25 PM	#32 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	hey, jj love is well...it is what it is. at least you're still alive....the_jizz...i meant, the_jazz __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

01-22-2007, 07:14 PM	#33 (permalink)
Ourcrazymodern? still, wondering. Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge	When ya gotta do, ya gotta do. I blame god. __________________ BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

01-22-2007, 08:51 PM	#34 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	It happens. sometimes these things happen... cause who knows how to please you better than yourself? my advice: just give into the moment and man this thread... all you talk about is sex on this here forum!! Can't you talk about some nice crafts or something..... hehehehe evil laugh __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

01-22-2007, 11:11 PM	#37 (permalink)
analog Banned	A person once told me that procrastination is like masturbation- in the end, you're just fucking yourself. Since I do both, and enjoy both, the negative intention of the comparison was lost on me. I should really come up with a hybrid word for that. ...procrasturbation.

01-23-2007, 06:25 AM	#40 (permalink)
Mister Coaster Big & Brassy Location: The "Canyon"	Yeah, I do it all the time, not as much now that I'm in my mid 30's. The strange ones, let's see... At work - Check In the car, in traffic trying NOT to be seen - Check In the car, in traffic TRYING to be seen - Check (reactions are priceless) Outside on the balcony - Check But the favorite has to ba a camping one like paulskinback. Kern river, middle of the night, still drunk from the campfire drinking session, I got up and out of the tent to go pee. Took care of that, and since I already had it out, yanking the crank was the obvious choice. We had the killer campsite that was right on the bend of the river, far from the othere sites, complete with a small private "beach." The moonlight was bright and beautiful, I stood on the beach, which is actually out away from any trees, and took care of business. It was religious. __________________ If you have any poo... fling it NOW!