clavus

My new chin-up bar has no fewer than three (3) 6” warning labels on it. And they aren’t stuck on with that easy-peel glue stuff either. I need some sort of industrial solvent to get this stuff off.

Either this metal bar is far more dangerous than I ever imagined, or we have finally reached a critical mass of stupidity. Are we so stupid that nearly half the length of a piece of metal pipe should be covered with safety advice?

Maybe we are. Maybe it’s time to start thinning the herd. What Darwin won’t do for us, we should do for ourselves. Let’s start putting BAD advice on consumer products. I mean really bad, INSANE advice. Anybody stupid enough to follow the instructions will be weeded out. Eventually, the gene pool won’t have so many shallow-end swimmers.

For best results, place pencil in eye.
Warning! Coffee is extremely hot. Pour directly on genitals.
To unload weapon, place barrel in mouth and pull trigger in a slow, smooth motion.
Insecticide should be taste-tested before use.
Please deposit all smoking materials into gas tank.
Remove debris from moving blades with pinching motion using your chin and neck.
Use whole hand to unclog garbage disposal while it is running.
Place head in plastic bag and continue to breathe normally.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

ktspktsp

So what are the labels on the chin-up bar?

clavus

WARNING: DO NOT SWING FROM BAR
WARNING: MAKE SURE BAR IS PROPERLY ATTACHED TO WALL
and
WARNING: DO NOT SWING FROM BAR
(in case you missed it the frst time, I guess)

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Elphaba

WARNING: WE ARE SERIOUS ABOUT THE "LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT"

SirLance

Warning: Spelling mistakes in this post are the byproduct of a poor educational system. Pay teachers more than athletes.

__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

Elphaba

WARNING: WASHING YOUR CAT IN A FLUSHING TOILET MAY DO HARM TO THE PLUMBING AND/OR SEPTIC SYSTEM

WARNING: ALWAYS LISTEN TO SIR LANCE

WARNING: "REFRIGERATE AFTER OPENING" IS A MARKETING PLOY TO BUY A SECOND REFRIDGERATOR"

cyrnel

Only in English? EASL folk could make bank on that bar, especially if the company forgot the "Not to be taken internally" warning.

__________________
There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

Moskie

Warning: objects in mirror do not exist.

__________________
Greetings and salutations.

spectre

WARNING: Kitchen utensils only to be used for dislodging bread and bagels from your toaster.

__________________
"Fuck these chains
No goddamn slave
I will be different" ~ Machine Head

Willravel

- Best if eaten after January 2026.
- Warning: electric fence may provide temporary superpowers
- Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking makes you thinner and more popular, like Steve McQueen or Jennifer Aniston
- Hot Dogs have antioxidants
- Your sister is hot
- Terror Alert: High, please continue in a calm fashion to your nearest airport, sports stadium, mall, or Middle Eastern country

Siege

Warning: Radioactive waste. May cause super powers.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

Moskie

<embed style="width:400px; height:326px;" id="VideoPlayback" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=-7358768984043835546&hl=en" flashvars=""> </embed>

__________________
Greetings and salutations.

oberon

HAHAHAHA, That's freaking classic! People are stupid and America is a litigious society full of people trying to get rich for doing nothing useful. I'd say at least 80% of Americans could be thrown away without any negative effect on the future of humanity. None of these people have any critical thinking skills, and think it is okay to spell like a moron. It's not like bad spelling affects anyone, right?

WARNING: You do not actually exist; thrusting this knife in your abdomen will not hurt in the slightest. Twisting it afterwards produces a particularly heightened euphoria.

__________________
"There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

kutulu

Did you know? You can use motor oil to fertilize your lawn.

Zeraph

heh.
"Insecticide should be taste-tested before use." Is my favorite because I could see some people really falling for it. Especially if you added a bit about freshness or something.

Warning: For a healthy baby drinking and smoking while pregnant will increase the baby's constitution.

beavstrokinoff

Clavus, use a hairdryer or heat gun to get the stickers off. Works better than solovent.

I'm surprised that there was no, "Warning, not to be used as a club."

clavus

Hmmm.... my hair dryer has a warning label on it. "Do not use to remove warning labels."

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Kaliena

I think a lot of it might be just trying to avoid the lawsuits. I mean, look at the things people sue for.

WARNING: ARSENIC NOT EDIBLE DESPITE ALMOND TASTE!

__________________
~Beware the waffle~

Xera

My curling iron says

WARNING: for external use only.

I got mental images of WHY that warning would be necessary. Not pretty images either.

I want a happy fun ball.

__________________

~~^~<@Xera @>~^~~

Daniel_

The freshness of hot sauce can be tested by rubbing a little into your anus.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

MiSo

Toaster oven: for best results, use in the shower.

ngdawg

First, the real warning as found on a tube of Cortizone-10(an anti-itch cream):
Do not put directly in rectum by using fingers or a mechanical device.
(there go my plans for the weekend....)

What it should say:
'Not a lubricant.'

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

snowy

Well, at least it will give you a clue as to how it will come out.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

little_tippler

Warning: Do not cross road when light is green

Placed on a Glass Door anywhere: *nothing*

Warning: Windows may only be opened when plane is in flight

Warning: suncream should only be applied when there is no sunlight; prolonged exposure to sunlight with cream applied may be dangerous

Warning: do not take this medication unless you are driving.

Warning: Coca-Cola should not be ingested without an accompanying menthos. Coca-Cola Industries and its Associates will not be held responsible for the misuse of this product.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Lasereth

The labels are on there to prevent lawsuits. Someone most likely was severely injured using the bar, so those stickers are the repercussions. The company doesn't necessarily believe you're stupid, they're simply saving their own ass from the next truly stupid person tries to use it as a backyard wrestling prop.

__________________
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

Daniel_

Thats really the problem though isn't it?

There ought to be a "fair use" clause in law that says - if yuo were dumb enough to think the item in the box labelled "Pull Up Bar" was perfect for degreasing your steam engine (or whatever) then the law should tell you that you're a fuck-wit and charge you with wasting the court's time and bill you costs for all parties.

There is too much fuck-wittage in this world and labels like these encourage it.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

clavus

How about a universal label, applied to everything?
```````````````````````````````````````````````````
PRODUCT NOT TO BE USED IN A FUCK-WITTED FASHION
```````````````````````````````````````````````````

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Daniel_

I am a fuck-wit and I approved this message.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

blade02

when growing up i was only told one warning "Don't do anything stupid"

Intense1

Somehow I get this picture of the mother from "A Christmas Story" and all her friends sitting around thinking up all these labels. How many products have been warned against with "that thing will put your eye out"?

I've never had a friend who has had his eye put out by a BB gun, but have known someone whose eye was irrevocably damaged by a bobby pin shot with a rubber band in math class....

Warning label on Bobby Pins: Best used when sling shot by a rubber band used by hormonal and moronic teens.

__________________
(none yet, still thinkin')

Nimetic

It should say - do not use to dry boots.

Hair dryers are excellent for damp footwear (buy a pair of cheapies supermarket) but they to be watched closely as they tend to melt those high-tech rubber insoles.

serlindsipity

There should just be one giant warning for every product that says "if there is a chance you might use this wrong or you didnt bother to read the directions/ think this through, we are not liable in any way, shape, or form. Use at your own risk"

I think that woudl solve the lawsuit problem AND thin the herd. it wont change the fact that people are still stupid.

__________________
My third eye is my camera's lens.

JStrider

if you have zippo lighter fluid that should help get the label gunk off.

__________________
-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

MiSo

this thread reminded me of something i read a long time ago.


a woman driving a rv put the car in cruise control and left the drivers seat to go get a drink in the back.
the instruction manual now clearly states to not leave the wheel while using the cruise control function.

greytone

Maybe we would be better off if we combined these two with instructions to unload the weapon in the genitals. After all, it is still possible to donate gametes if you are brain dead.

__________________
I was there to see beautiful naked women. So was everybody else. It's a common failing.
Robert A Heinlein in "They Do It With Mirrors"

fhqwhgads

This thread reminded me of something funny....

Surgeon General's Warning: Cigarettes can cause lung cancer.

Surgeon Specific's Warning: Cigarettes can cause lung cancer, John.

zed wolf

Ok, just for this thread, I actually wend out in the snow and remover the right side shoulder belt from the 5 point safety harness in my race car. The warning label on it reads as follows:

IMPORTANT!
READ THIS WARNING!

Racing is dangerous.
Conditions will occur that will cause any device to fail.
Incidents will occur resulting in injury or death.
The user assumes all risk when using this product.

And then it goes on with more stuff saying if you get hurt its your fault.
Maybe the major auto makers should put labels like that on there seat belts!

slimshaydee

WARNING: THIS WARNING LABEL MAY BE A CHOKING HAZARD FOR CHILDREN UNDER 3.

MSD

Drano: For ocular and intranasal use.

General: Do not follow the instructions printed on this label.

I just read a post by a guy on another forum who chipped two teeth with a bb gun. The teeth were not chipped at the same time.