Reverse warning labels
 

My new chin-up bar has no fewer than three (3) 6” warning labels on it. And they aren’t stuck on with that easy-peel glue stuff either. I need some sort of industrial solvent to get this stuff off.

Either this metal bar is far more dangerous than I ever imagined, or we have finally reached a critical mass of stupidity. Are we so stupid that nearly half the length of a piece of metal pipe should be covered with safety advice?

Maybe we are. Maybe it’s time to start thinning the herd. What Darwin won’t do for us, we should do for ourselves. Let’s start putting BAD advice on consumer products. I mean really bad, INSANE advice. Anybody stupid enough to follow the instructions will be weeded out. Eventually, the gene pool won’t have so many shallow-end swimmers.

For best results, place pencil in eye.
Warning! Coffee is extremely hot. Pour directly on genitals.
To unload weapon, place barrel in mouth and pull trigger in a slow, smooth motion.
Insecticide should be taste-tested before use.
Please deposit all smoking materials into gas tank.
Remove debris from moving blades with pinching motion using your chin and neck.
Use whole hand to unclog garbage disposal while it is running.
Place head in plastic bag and continue to breathe normally.

So what are the labels on the chin-up bar?

WARNING: DO NOT SWING FROM BAR
WARNING: MAKE SURE BAR IS PROPERLY ATTACHED TO WALL
and
WARNING: DO NOT SWING FROM BAR
(in case you missed it the frst time, I guess)

WARNING: WE ARE SERIOUS ABOUT THE "LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT"

Warning: Spelling mistakes in this post are the byproduct of a poor educational system. Pay teachers more than athletes.

WARNING: WASHING YOUR CAT IN A FLUSHING TOILET MAY DO HARM TO THE PLUMBING AND/OR SEPTIC SYSTEM

WARNING: ALWAYS LISTEN TO SIR LANCE :D

WARNING: "REFRIGERATE AFTER OPENING" IS A MARKETING PLOY TO BUY A SECOND REFRIDGERATOR"

Only in English? EASL folk could make bank on that bar, especially if the company forgot the "Not to be taken internally" warning.

Warning: objects in mirror do not exist.

WARNING: Kitchen utensils only to be used for dislodging bread and bagels from your toaster.

- Best if eaten after January 2026.
- Warning: electric fence may provide temporary superpowers
- Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking makes you thinner and more popular, like Steve McQueen or Jennifer Aniston
- Hot Dogs have antioxidants
- Your sister is hot
- Terror Alert: High, please continue in a calm fashion to your nearest airport, sports stadium, mall, or Middle Eastern country

Warning: Radioactive waste. May cause super powers.

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HAHAHAHA, That's freaking classic! People are stupid and America is a litigious society full of people trying to get rich for doing nothing useful. I'd say at least 80% of Americans could be thrown away without any negative effect on the future of humanity. None of these people have any critical thinking skills, and think it is okay to spell like a moron. It's not like bad spelling affects anyone, right?

WARNING: You do not actually exist; thrusting this knife in your abdomen will not hurt in the slightest. Twisting it afterwards produces a particularly heightened euphoria.

Did you know? You can use motor oil to fertilize your lawn.

heh.
"Insecticide should be taste-tested before use." Is my favorite because I could see some people really falling for it. Especially if you added a bit about freshness or something.

Warning: For a healthy baby drinking and smoking while pregnant will increase the baby's constitution.

Clavus, use a hairdryer or heat gun to get the stickers off. Works better than solovent.

I'm surprised that there was no, "Warning, not to be used as a club."

Hmmm.... my hair dryer has a warning label on it. "Do not use to remove warning labels."

I think a lot of it might be just trying to avoid the lawsuits. I mean, look at the things people sue for.:rolleyes:

WARNING: ARSENIC NOT EDIBLE DESPITE ALMOND TASTE!

My curling iron says

WARNING: for external use only.

I got mental images of WHY that warning would be necessary. Not pretty images either.

I want a happy fun ball.

The freshness of hot sauce can be tested by rubbing a little into your anus.

Toaster oven: for best results, use in the shower.

First, the real warning as found on a tube of Cortizone-10(an anti-itch cream):
Do not put directly in rectum by using fingers or a mechanical device.
(there go my plans for the weekend....)

What it should say:
'Not a lubricant.'

Well, at least it will give you a clue as to how it will come out.

Warning: Do not cross road when light is green

Placed on a Glass Door anywhere: *nothing*

Warning: Windows may only be opened when plane is in flight

Warning: suncream should only be applied when there is no sunlight; prolonged exposure to sunlight with cream applied may be dangerous

Warning: do not take this medication unless you are driving.

Warning: Coca-Cola should not be ingested without an accompanying menthos. Coca-Cola Industries and its Associates will not be held responsible for the misuse of this product.

The labels are on there to prevent lawsuits. Someone most likely was severely injured using the bar, so those stickers are the repercussions. The company doesn't necessarily believe you're stupid, they're simply saving their own ass from the next truly stupid person tries to use it as a backyard wrestling prop.

Thats really the problem though isn't it?

There ought to be a "fair use" clause in law that says - if yuo were dumb enough to think the item in the box labelled "Pull Up Bar" was perfect for degreasing your steam engine (or whatever) then the law should tell you that you're a fuck-wit and charge you with wasting the court's time and bill you costs for all parties.

There is too much fuck-wittage in this world and labels like these encourage it.

:lol:

How about a universal label, applied to everything?
```````````````````````````````````````````````````
PRODUCT NOT TO BE USED IN A FUCK-WITTED FASHION
```````````````````````````````````````````````````

I am a fuck-wit and I approved this message.

when growing up i was only told one warning "Don't do anything stupid"

Somehow I get this picture of the mother from "A Christmas Story" and all her friends sitting around thinking up all these labels. How many products have been warned against with "that thing will put your eye out"?

I've never had a friend who has had his eye put out by a BB gun, but have known someone whose eye was irrevocably damaged by a bobby pin shot with a rubber band in math class....

Warning label on Bobby Pins: Best used when sling shot by a rubber band used by hormonal and moronic teens.

It should say - do not use to dry boots.

Hair dryers are excellent for damp footwear (buy a pair of cheapies supermarket) but they to be watched closely as they tend to melt those high-tech rubber insoles.

There should just be one giant warning for every product that says "if there is a chance you might use this wrong or you didnt bother to read the directions/ think this through, we are not liable in any way, shape, or form. Use at your own risk"

I think that woudl solve the lawsuit problem AND thin the herd. it wont change the fact that people are still stupid.

if you have zippo lighter fluid that should help get the label gunk off.

this thread reminded me of something i read a long time ago.


a woman driving a rv put the car in cruise control and left the drivers seat to go get a drink in the back.
the instruction manual now clearly states to not leave the wheel while using the cruise control function.

Maybe we would be better off if we combined these two with instructions to unload the weapon in the genitals. After all, it is still possible to donate gametes if you are brain dead.

This thread reminded me of something funny....

Surgeon General's Warning: Cigarettes can cause lung cancer.

Surgeon Specific's Warning: Cigarettes can cause lung cancer, John.

Ok, just for this thread, I actually wend out in the snow and remover the right side shoulder belt from the 5 point safety harness in my race car. The warning label on it reads as follows:

IMPORTANT!
READ THIS WARNING!

Racing is dangerous.
Conditions will occur that will cause any device to fail.
Incidents will occur resulting in injury or death.
The user assumes all risk when using this product.

And then it goes on with more stuff saying if you get hurt its your fault.
Maybe the major auto makers should put labels like that on there seat belts!

WARNING: THIS WARNING LABEL MAY BE A CHOKING HAZARD FOR CHILDREN UNDER 3.

Drano: For ocular and intranasal use.

General: Do not follow the instructions printed on this label.

I just read a post by a guy on another forum who chipped two teeth with a bb gun. The teeth were not chipped at the same time.