Jinn

In a sister post to "Criticism," praise has been on my mind lately.

How do you know when to praise? And how much? Praise is something that I'm quite wretched at, simply because I don't take praise well myself. Praise always seems to be designed to make me like the person, rather than truly praise me. It seems so fake when someone praises me for doing an "EXCELLENT JOB!!" on something that took me almost no effort.

Typically, I only "praise" when I feel someone has done something exceptional, not when they're meeting normal requirements and achieving "average." However, my line for what is 'exceptional' is a great deal higher than others.

How do you know when someone needs to be praised/reinforced/told they're doing something right?

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Sultana

As often as possible with sincerity.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

maleficent

I think i am generous with praise, and it is always heartfelt (for as much of a heart as I have)

With work, and that's really where most of my interactions with people are, if someone has done something to improve the quality of my life, or my experience, they will always get a thank you, and i will tell them how it helped me - it's not necessarily a good job - but meaningful thank yous go a long way as far as i'm concerned...

I don't take praise well at all because 99 percent of the time i think i'm being snowed or the person has ulterior motives... my former boss was notorious for that - he'd give you a compliment for something then when you weren't looking do something (generally send you to siberia or some other awful client - or give you a project that he doesn't want to do because it's tedious) to forget the praise.

I realize that the people I praise are "just doing their job", but it helps me out in some way, so i'd never not say thank you.. I've worked with others who beleive that their paycheck is thanks enough, and well ... that just seems pretty cold to me...

Regular every day praise? Eh- most of the time i brush it off - i can find the good in anyone- and find something to compliment about anyone.... but i have an impossible time doing it for myself...

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billege

I'm sure I could think of a way to complicate this, bring in a Visio document, put it up on slides and charge attendance. However, that seems like too much work.

Thinking about your post brought me to a simple conclusion.

It's worth saying somthing anytime someone does somthing that helps you out. Maybe it's just in the course of thier duties, maybe it's especially for you. Either way, a simple "thanks" is often appreicated.

For those that are embarrased by praise...a simple "thanks" works for them too. There's no sense gushing disproportionately about how great it was. A lot of times I think people gush so much just to bring the attention back to themselves.

If someone saves your life, I think it'd be worth a card in the mail, a hug, your firstborn. You know, keep things proportionate.

But no matter what, saying "thanks" when you appreciate an action someone else has taken is always worth the time.

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I can sum up the clash of religion in one sentence:
"My Invisible Friend is better than your Invisible Friend."

Jinn

How do you accomplish this?

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Meditrina

Growing up, I received very little praise, regarding anything. I would work really hard in school, and get great grades, but no positive acknowledgement from my parents. After awhile, I stopped trying so hard, received average grades. Why did it matter how hard I tried, no one seemed to care? No one taught me that trying hard would help me in the future. To me, now raising my children, praise seems important. They learn from the positive reinforcement, not only how to behave, but also to feel good about themselves. I try not to praise too much, or it will become meaningless to them. Everything in moderation.

To this day, I still have a hard time taking praise. I blush, feel embarrassed, and sometimes even point out a negative thing to go against the praise. Is that because I did not grow up receiving it? because my mother always had something negative to say to me? I don't know. But I am working on taking the praise better and not being so negative. I hope I am teaching my children to do the same.

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"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

Bill O'Rights

Why? What took almost no effort on your part, may have been insurmountable to myself.

Why? Children learn best when praised for doing that which they should be doing. Why should an adult be any different. There's absolutely nothing wrong with giving, and receiving, "warm fuzzies" now and again. It tends to make one feel...appreciated. At the very least, it lets people know that they are not being taken for granted. And...best of all...it doesn't cost one red cent. Yup...it's free

You seldom know. You just do it. Don't over do it (you'll come off as insincere)...but do it. As I said before...it doesn't cost a thing.

Observation on my part...you didn't get much praise growing up, did you? If I'm right, how did that make you feel? Wouldn't a pat on the back, and a "Good job, son", have been nice coming from Mom and Dad? It makes the work...worthwhile.

Are you serious.
I hope not, but just in case...

You MEAN it.

Not just..."Yeah, yeah, good job...whatever"...but actualy mean it.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Jinn

Not much at all. And I've talked to my parents about it, and I'm rather glad that they didn't. They seem to agree with me that praising the things that are expected would have only encouraged me to do the expected. In order to encourage me to do more, they positively reinforced THAT with praise.

And simiarly, I think I'm a bit afraid that if I praise someone for something, they'll continue to do that and never improve.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Charlatan

Of course the opposite can occur.

I had a boss that would never offer praise. Ever.

Nothing like working in a vacuum with no feedback when you've done something well (oh she was good with the negative feedback to be sure). I know I went from a highly eager and motivated employee to one that found coming to work a drag.

Praise for doing the job is just as important as criticism.

The key to BOTH is when and how it is done. If either is spared, you have trouble. If either is too effusive, then you have trouble.

Balance is always the answer.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

snowy

In college I was highly involved with campus leadership. Through all of my leadership training and practice, the one tool I still use on a regular basis is this: recognition. We were taught that recognition of an individual's contribution to the group's success is one of the most important things you can do. It greases the wheels, so to speak. If someone gives their best effort this time, and you recognize that effort, they're more likely to repeat it next time, or go above and beyond.

Recognition for their efforts keeps people encouraged. Where I work this is especially important. I work with adolescents who have little to no self-esteem. Even recognizing that they behaved well in the doctor's office can give them a boost, and if giving them a boost increases their self-esteem and helps them in their recovery, then I will continue to recognize even the littlest things.

The fact is, no one likes a negative person or a negative leader. If you are going to work with others, recognizing how they have helped you is key, and making the effort to voice that recognition is key. It can mean the difference between a cohesive, operative team that gets things done and makes progress versus the team that gets bogged down in negativity and never goes anywhere. And this concept applies everywhere: it applies to families, couples, and friends. By recognizing the efforts of those we love, we get so much back because of that use of positive reinforcement.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Bill O'Rights

Ahhh...the ol' "Your reward for good behavior is no punishment" management style, eh? Yeah...that has always proven to be a very effective tool by management.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Meditrina

I am one of those who hardly ever, IF ever, was praised. I never knew if anything I did was good enough or right. Now, as an adult, I still doubt if things I am doing are right or good enough. For example, any post I reply to, many decisions I make, these kinds of things create stress from wondering if I am doing or saying the right thing. Perhaps this lack of praise as a child has led to some of my self-doubt as an adult. I find, at times, I will do or say things just to find out how people feel, looking for approval I might not have gotten before.

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"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

Eweser

Wow! This sounds just like me.

I'm always afraid that a decision I make will be wrong, even the smallest decisions. I was praised a little bit as a child, but not to a great extent. I learned more of what NOT to do vs. what to do. I don't take praise very well, not really knowing how to respond. I'm trying to do better and make myself accept it, even if I think it wasn't that big of a deal, or doesn't warrant such attentions.

On the other hand, I think I give praise freely, but always with sincerity. I won't gush if it doesn't deserve gushing. I say "Thank you" a lot, mostly because I know I like it when it is said to me. But again, only if deserved. Otherwise, it loses it's value.

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"Whoever wrote this episode should die!"

ngdawg

I find it kind of fascinating that when Sultana said 'with sincerity', JinnKai asked 'how do you accomplish this?' By not keeping silent would be my response.
When someone does something you find nice, extraordinary or awe-inspiring, speak up!
If a friend shows their caring toward you, a sincere show of appreciation for their actions is in order.
I too was not raised in a 'praising' environment; in fact, my father was pretty stern, never ever condescending and, while he always helped us out, he expected results. My mom was a disciplinarian and once we were older kids, never got to our level and 'played' with us, something my dad loved to do( although he never quite left the 'instruction' behind).
In a total turn around from my background, I never forego a moment to tell those I love that I love them; I never leave a 'thank you' unsaid-even to strangers. And I speak my mind, even if later on I find myself slapping my forehead for doing so.
We all say or do stupid things-it's human. Overthinking before we do anything at all stifles us. I just go by the very simple adage: No one ever really died from embarrassment. Had I known this at 16 I most probably would not have drifted aimlessly for so long until now I don't know which way to go in life. But I'm still learning and those that have shown they care enough to support and help me know how wonderful I think they are.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

abaya

You know what, Jinn... I think this is the best thread you've started. I am enjoying the tone of the posts, and I think your attitude in the OP (and additional posts) is signficantly different than previous threads. It was a good idea to start a "sister" thread to Mal's.

And how do you know I'm being sincere? Because you *know* that I'd be in your face if I felt differently. I don't give praise as a rule, but if I'm impressed, I let people know immediately. (Just as I let people know when I'm not impressed.) Both expressions are sincere.

I think both praise and criticism are very good things, as long as they are driven by sincerity and not a need for drama or attention.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

NoSoup

To be honest, I've never really given it much thought.

I'm pretty headstrong sometimes, and although I offer praise often to others, I don't really take their praise to heart. I judge, based on my own standards, how I did - I give myself a pat on the back when I earned it, and constructively criticize when necessary.

Growing up, I didn't receive much praise, and so I used the only judgment that I knew - my own. I'm not trying to imply that I am unequivocally the master of critiquing myself, but I think I do a relatively fair job.

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I have an aura of reliability and good judgement.

Just in case you were wondering...

abaya

I missed this the first time I read the thread... but I'm glad I caught it. BOR, I don't know what your job is, but if you're a manager... you must be WONDERFUL to work for. I'd bust my butt to get out of bed every day and work for you, if you were my manager. I don't work well in a desert of praise (heh, no wonder I hate academia).

I respond so very, very well to regular "warm fuzzies." And I definitely start feeling taken for granted when there's a dry spell. I thought it was just me. But from what I see on this thread, it's a general rule for people... we all like to feel appreciated, I'd say even on a daily basis. Which makes me feel a little less freaky.

BOR, I'm also with you in saying, How can one *not* know how to give praise? And yet, I know how many people just don't get it... it doesn't come naturally to them. It was something instilled in me as a child... my parents have always been very good about encouraging me (especially my dad) on a regular basis, which was invaluable to me. Oh, the beam on my face when I feel recognized, seen, appreciated... I feel like a kid who's finally done something right, even for just an instant.

Mind you, my parents are no strangers to criticizing me... but my dad has always been *so* good at weaving criticism with praise/encouragement... I can hardly tell the difference sometimes. I'm glad he demonstrated that to me.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

oberon

I know many folks who were completely disrespected by their management and quit their jobs because they rarely if ever got recognition for their talent. There are ways to do this without making everyone else feel inadequate.

Don't make the same mistake. You will lose good people on your teams a lot faster than by any other form of negligence.

As for how you give sincere praise... don't force it. It should come naturally, and if it does, don't keep it in.

Ego is a big problem in this respect, I think. There are many unscrupulous people who think that, just because they are manager, they shouldn't bestow praise on their underlings because it undermines their perceived "power". Or something along those lines.

Okay, I realize this is a pretty work-centric answer, but I think you can apply it fairly well to non-work situations.

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"There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

Gilda

It depends on the situation with me. When I get praised, I'll automatically stop and look for the motive behind the praise. I tend to discount praise coming from those close to me because they have good incentive to lie, or at least exaggerate: They want me to feel good about myself.

I suppose this may be why I have difficulty finding a way to praise anybody on a personal level other than the people in my family. They I know will take it at face value in the spirit intended. In my work, I'm also fine with doling out the praise where it's warranted. If I recognize something good in a student's work, it's my job to show her what it is and why it's something worthy of praise.

Otherwise, it's difficult for me to give or to accept. 'What's the ulterior motive,' I tend to think, and for the same reason don't want others to think I'm displaying insincere flattery. Giving a compliment in a situation where I'm not sure it will be well recieved in the spirit intended is something that is very difficult for me.

I suppose this is partly due to coming from a family where praise is generally thought of as something to be withheld and given sparingly lest it lose its power, as if it were some finite quantity that would have to be split up into smaller pieces if used more often.

I'm generous and free with my praise with those I love because I know that's a safe place for it. I don't feel safe or comfortable doing it or accepting it otherwise.

Gilda

healer

I don't think I've ever been in a position to praise an adult. I'm probably wrong, but I can't think of any. Kids, sure - that's easy and I do it as often as they deserve it.

I, like many, didn't get much praise from my parents when I was growing up. Most of my achievements were treated as run-of-the-mill or as if it was what they expected. This attitude, I think, made me work harder at trying to impress them, but only until I realised that whatever I did was for me, and not for them.

I receive praise with a degree of shyness and usually dismiss it quickly, or say something matter-of-fact to try and make what I did look like nothing out of the ordinary.

Recognition is something I have a love-hate relationship with of late, especially at work. My boss is one who holds recognition - be it by colleagues or clients - in high regard. So much so that he seems hungry for it, and it comes across when he praises me or the people in our team. Any praise is via email, and is usually the result of one of the projects that HE oversees doing well - with a cc to HIS boss. Some would say he's just keeping his boss in the loop, but I think there's a fair bit of underlying brown-nosing going on.

I agree 100%. As long as the recognition or praise is coming from a sincere source, with only the best interest of the praisee in mind.

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Sultana

Documented praise, cc-ed to the next level of management, is fricken worth it's weight in GOLD, man. No lie.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

krwlz

I'll admit I mostly skipped to the end, but I'm with ya man. I dont want "good jobs" or "atta boys" and I dont give them out too often.

A "thank you, that helped me out a lot" is all I generally want. Make me feel appreciated, instead of piling on usually meaningless syrupy sweet praise.

Lady Sage

Sometimes a simple pat on the back and a "good job" or a "you handled that very well" or maybe "im proud of you" makes all the difference in the world to a person.
It can also make the difference in an employee walking out on you or staying. Making a person feel appreciated and that YOU see they are doing well ...well actions speak louder so they say.

I also try to end the day with "Thank you Anna, I really appreciate all you did to day" or more commonly "I dont know what I would do without you Anna, working with you is a pleasure" and I MEAN IT. Because I DONT know what I am going to do when Anna leaves the company. Think about it this way... a little sincerity goes a long way to keep you from having more work in the future.

Positive praise makes people want to do more and work harder. So you are also patting yoruself on the back.

mandy

thank you is all i need.

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The Imagination equips us to see a reality we have yet to create

Toaster126

When does a problem with accepting or giving praise stop being due to your parenting and start being because of who you are?

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Jinn

In my opinion - in order to be a mature adult, you have to be free of previous experience and realize that you are entirely in control of your current state of being and even how you interpret your past.

So, to me -- it's not a certain age but a certain mental stage. Some never reach it, some reach it at age 10. When you're ready to accept responsibility for your past, present, and future actions and not excuse them by using someone else's behavior.

I'm not sure if it was directed at me, but that's my take on it.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel