xjumper84

A very good friend of mine has been hooking up with random men she meets off the street (ice rink, movie theater) who she later finds out goes to her school and she sleeps with them and makes out with them.

i pointed out to her that this could be considered slutty behavior and she got really pissed off. All of her friends at her school are pointing this out to her as well. Her best friend for the longest time pointed out the same thing to her and she has not put up her "defenses" and is pissed at everyone because they all think she is a slut now.

what can be done to get her to accept it or otherwise to make the situation better? or is there no hope?

Seaver

You wont find many friends on this forum with that attitude.

Everyone goes through a wild phase sooner or later. As long as she's using protection and being careful, who cares?

Do you regulate yourself to certain dating rules? If a hot girl wanted to sleep with you would you tell her no? I'd bet not. Would you consider yourself a slut in return?

Sorry my friend, it's you who just doesnt get it. For every guy who has sex with a woman... there's a woman there. Girls get horny too, if she's your friend you'd say "I dont like what you're doing (insert reasons here)." You DONT call her a slut and take a holier than thou attitude.

xjumper84

but see i don't feel that way about it, but also in the same token i'm not the only one saying she is a slut. her best friends (female) call her one as well. I've accepted that what i said was incorrect even though i too have done one night stands. but she still feels like she is doing nothing wrong.

Seaver

You should also know that the people hardest on women are other women, so that doesnt apply.

Just do what I said. Tell her how you feel, why, and suggest a way she can change. Past that a friend shouldnt do anything, if she refuses to change that's her choice. She will have to live with the joys and the pains caused by it.

cyrnel

The defensiveness is normal. Few people like to have their behavior questioned, even if something's obviously wrong.

She might just be horny, or be trying to compensate. Does she have self-esteem issues? Is this how she seeks approval? You didn't mention if this is a new thing, her age, etc. What's her family/home situation?

__________________
There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

xjumper84

shes 18, new to the "many guys/many nights" situation. she doesn't have a good home life, she hates her dad cause he's always imposing these rules since she turned 18 like "you can't go out at 9 pm at night, you won't have enough time to do anything and be back by 11 pm".. stuff like that. she had bf's in hs who she did stuff with, but for the longest time had no one.

MSD

You say that you've accepted that what you said was incorrect, yet you still indirectly accuse her of doing something wrong. You can't have it both ways; you have to make up your mind and figure out how you feel about it before you're in a position to say anything at all. I think I know what you've decided, so you'll have to work from there instead of tiptoeing around your opinion.

alansmithee

I'll be the voice of reason. She is doing something wrong, she's behaving really recklessly, and also how most people would believe to be immoral. And most likely, no decent guy will want her later when they find out an entire campus has had her. Nobody wants to buy the bike after everyone's already rode it around town. If she won't listen to you, it's not your problem. Let someone else deal with it. Slut might sound harsh, but it's true. And if she won't face it, you've done all you can. Just let her do what she wants, and don't stress over it.

bloodychill

Uh, I'd call him a manwhore, which he would be. Having multiple sexual partners isn't necessarily "slutty" but when they're strangers you meet and you're hooking up with them, then yes, slutty is the best word to describe you. Don't hate the word because it has negative connotations.

To the OP, just make sure she's taking the proper precautions. Sluttiness isn't necessarily bad all by itself.

Toaster126

Sure it is. If someone was trying to be nice, they wouldn't say "slutty", they would say she is practicing serial monogamy at an accelerated rate.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

healer

It's her life, and she can do with it exactly as she pleases. In the end she'll be the one who has to live with the choices she's made. Not you (OP) or anyone else can tell her how to live her life.

If she is your friend, try an give her your support instead of joining the other name-callers.

__________________

NoSoup

Hahaha

__________________
I have an aura of reliability and good judgement.

Just in case you were wondering...

pig

You know, I'm guessing this question has been closely addressed in another thread - you might find more complete advice on the topic with a search with the slow time of the holidays. However, I'm curious if your friend would be a slut with the following defintion:

a slut being someone who has sex in order to get attention, or to compensate for a poor self image.

a person who has sex with multiple partners is not automatically a slut, and so forth.

i also think you need to ask yourself why you're upset by her behavior. are you concerned for her safety? are you jealous?

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

ratbastid

The thing to notice here is that your interpretation of her actions ("She's a slut!") is now the "truth" that she can't handle.

She obviously has a different interpretation of her actions. For her, THAT'S the truth, and YOU can't handle it.

Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

ShaniFaye

this is quite contradictory can you clear up this statement for me, if you "dont feel that way" why are you saying she's a slut along with other people?

why SHOULD she feel like she's doing something wrong? to who's standards is it wrong and should that persons standards dictate her behaviour? attitudes like this piss me off to no end

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

motdakasha

As others have said, you need to be more concise. Calling someone a slut because they are amorous is a cop out. You need to decide what it is that's bothering you: she's hurting people, you're sincerely worried about the health of her and her partners, maybe she's got self-esteem issues, family issues, or maybe you're just close-minded, shallow, immature, envious, or jealous, etc.

Get back to us on this after you've checked the high school mentality at the door. Thanks.

__________________
=^-^= motdakasha =^-^=
Just Google It.
BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

Poppinjay

xjumper, as a guy my jealousy vibe is going off big time. Is it possible that the reason this activity bothers you is that this woman seems willing to have sex with other guys, but not you?

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

rsl12

xjumper--I must say, I don't see a problem. You might take a look at this book about 'the ethical slut' --your friend may be interested too.

A question though--is she reacting to being called a 'slut' or is she reacting because you're trying to change her behavior? The label 'slut' sounds perfectly accurate for her, though maybe a bit denigrating (like calling someone a 'faggot'). 'Likes to party' might be a nicer way of putting it? If it's a matter of trying to get her to change her behavior--let me ask--is anyone getting hurt by what she's doing? Either herself, her friends, or her partners?

__________________
oh baby oh baby, i like gravy.

Ustwo

If a girl wants to fuck them all, more power to her.

Christ, this isn't the Victorian age, birth control IS 100% effective if you use it right, and her health is her business be it drinking, smoking, diet, or sex.

Plus even if you fuck your entire town, you can MOVE.

Maybe its just my age and experiance talking, but after you have had sex more than 1000 times, you realize its not such a big deal, nor is it something to get overly worked up about.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

ngdawg

Just sounds to me like she's a kid let loose in a candy store and is filling up on all the goodies. Lots of 18 year olds do it, specially if they come from somewhat tyrannical households. (I did). We grow out of it.
I will say using derogatory remarks is the fastest way to get someone on the defensive. If you're truly concerned about her hurting herself in some way, say so, otherwise, butt out.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Chuckles

A slut is somebody who uses sex to get something they want (a car, money, something) i believe.

maleficent

Why is this even your concern? Unless she's asking for your help or for your opinion... it's not your place to say anything...

__________________

Suave

Support her and stop calling her a slut. Call her a she-stud or something.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

Amontillado

and her other "friends" (and I use that term very loosely) call her a slut, the more she will push away from you.

The girls has reasons for doing what she is doing and we can all suspect what they are, but we do not KNOW.

If it bothers you and the others so badly, don't degrade her by calling her a slut, just choose not to hang out with her.

DonovanDuVal

Friendship! It's not about 'having' a friend in the possessive sense, it's about being a friend. Part of that is about accepting what other people are and being there for them if the sh*t hits the fan.

So sure tell her your concerns as Seaver says, but don't go calling her a slut. Oh and just because her best 'friends' call her a slut doesn't mean that it's okay for you too. And yes I know you only told her that her actions could be 'considered slutty' and didn't actually call her a slut. But how did you really think that she would take it?

I think that Poppinjay hit something, my jealousy meter is in the red here, not that I think that reflects badly on you per say, and of course I could be wrong. But be honest to this close and mostly anonymous TFP world, do you have feelings for this girl?

__________________
"I've been Donovan DuVal. Take care of yourselves, and each other."

kel

Not many, but a few. Us old fashioned people haven't been given the boot just yet!

I think your handling it fine, you have said all you need to say. Leave it up to her because in the end it is her choice and she is the one who will have to live with the consequences (if any).

To summarize:
No there isn't any "hope." Just leave it be.

__________________
"It better be funny"

Seaver

I AM old fashioned. However I'm also a realist. Calling her a slut will only get her pissed off at him and make her stop listening to his input. Stating how he feel's it is wrong, and WHY, will have much more impact than pointing fingers.

She's going through a wild streak. She should not have free reign, her friends should be there to talk sense into her.

For Guy-to-Guy talk that's fair game. If my buddy is being a dick I'll gutcheck him and tell him to stop being a dick. Guy-to-Girl conversations take much more subtlety and tact. The "slut" thing wont work, no matter how much her "friends" use it (with friends like that... but that's another story).

Toaster126

That's pretty sexist. Not that I disagree.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Seaver

I dont see how it's sexist. If his friend was going on an eating binge it would be done the exact same way. It's not good to overload, as there are always consiquences.

If she was extraordinarily horny and wanted some dick, she has that right. However if she does it with a different guy every other night a friend would quickly talk to her and get her head on right.

I do that with my buddy having to remind him how much STD tests suck (q-tip in the pee-hole) while he's drinking and hitting on the barslut. It's not sexist... it's pragmatic.

MexicanOnABike

"what's the diffrence between a slut and a bitch?
a slut sleeps with EVERYONE and a bitch sleeps with EVERYONE EXCEPT you."

i had that attitude. i asked a girl out, she said she needed time to get over a long relationship. the next week, she was "seeing 5 diffrent guys" . 1st thing i did was to call her a fucking whore cuz thats what i consider it. i still do. and thats why she's a single mother on welfare.

edit: "seeing someone" meant sleeping with them but not calling him a BF. i fucking hate that term.

Suave

Give advice, maybe. Anything past giving advice once is stepping over the line, unless she's endangering her health (and by that I mean promiscuous unprotected sex). Being a friend doesn't mean trying to regulate someone's life by what YOU think is best. That's being a parent (and not necessarily the best kind of parent either).

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

xjumper84

I did have some pretty serious feelings for her this past summer. To which I think I may have posted about on here (not sure, i frequent a few forums... blah blah blah).

After analyzing what people have said here and another place the best thing I see that I can do is take a seat in the back row and keep my mouth shut and not say anything. Let her do what she wants to, and while I may not agree with what she is doing, let her do her thing. Which also puts me in the situation of when she breaks up with this guy, she (has in the past) expects me to be around to help her through her crap from her last bf. (if that makes sense).

As far as the high school comment goes, give me a break. My social life with the opposite sex started my freshman year of college. Now as a junior/senior I've had to "grow up" quite quickly as I've been behind for so many years.

She IM's me every now and then to say 'hi' as if to let me know she still exists, I don't initiate conversation any more, but yet I invited her to a new years bash at my townhouse. We'll see how it all plays out. I figure I can't do much if anything to curve her ways, but if she wants to experience her college career to the fullest, then so be it.

Suave

Since I can't delete this post, I'm editing it and adding a picture of a kitten.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

DonovanDuVal

Sounds like a pretty sensible approach to me. Good luck with New Years bash.

__________________
"I've been Donovan DuVal. Take care of yourselves, and each other."

Nimetic

I'm don't think that it's morally wrong to sleep with lots of guys in a short space of time. But... I'd certainly choose somebody else (if it came to that) if I was looking for a long term partner.

Whether you say this is slutty... hmm. Well it depends doesn't it on how the term is used. Rsl12 mentioned some book called "the ethical slut"... which I suppose puts the thing into focus. Ie... is she being honest and fair in her dealings? I'm only guessing of course that this is what the book is about.

Hmm.

It does seem hopeless - if you are interested in her and your views of sex are different.

analog

Gotta love sexual double-standards. I know of very, very few people who would bat an eye if a guy was getting new ass 2 or 3 times a week.

The point is- if it's being done safely (protection), then whose business is it but hers and her men? As for "no one wants the village bicycle", that's a personal matter for her, not a public matter for you all. Everyone carves their own path... she's not being destructive other than by keeping very judgmental friends around, so let her be.

P.S.- college is the Sexual Revolution for many people. It's freedom from parents, it's a new atmosphere and often away from their native area (even if just a town over), and a good age to be finding yourself and exploring.

She's rebelling now that she's liberated. It happens.