eMOTIONal20

I did some searches to try and figure out what to do with this… but they didn’t help enough. I’m still unsure of how to feel. However, if you’d like to direct me to a helpful thread, please do.

My SO and I have been together for about 8 months now, and every aspect of our relationship has been absolutely marvelous—except for one thing.

I am feeling as though already my SO’s masturbation habits are almost “replacing” our sex life. Lately, he’s been pretty busy with school and work, so we definitely don’t get to see one another as often as we’d like to, so it’s been almost as though our sex has to be planned nowadays. Months ago, we were still going to school, he worked just as much, and he took only one less class than he is now. We still managed to have sex pretty often. Over the summer, we didn’t see one another as much, but when we did… again, we still had sex pretty often. That’s all changed for some reason… I think I’m lucky if we even have sex once a week now.

We had a discussion about it about a month ago, and he mentioned to me that he’s usually pretty tired when he has sex with me, or he gets bored from doing the same motion for so long. We’ve tried to think of ways to fix this… though none of those have really been implemented into our sex life yet. Now I find that he masturbates more often than I thought, and I’m getting this “I’m unwanted sexually/physically and unattractive” feeling that I don’t know what to do with.

He claims it’s simply a stress reliever and helps him relax, and that sex is completely different from masturbating for him—he loves me, sex is something for us, it’s something we share, etc. I told him I’m not that busy, and I’m almost always up for sex—even oral sex. Usually, I get no takes on either offer. Yet, I also hear from him that masturbating is just easier and takes up less time. However, I’ve also been told by my SO that he thinks his excessive masturbation is killing his sex drive, and perhaps he needs to stop so that he would be able to have sex with me more often. I get more and more confused after hearing all of these different things from him…

I have absolutely no problem with him masturbating, I just don’t want it to be or become a replacement for sex with me. I was wondering if anyone else has ever had this problem or thinks I’m just completely overreacting… or has any suggestions on how to approach this, or ways to let go of this. Should I simply accept the idea that we’re just “too busy?”

Also—if anyone has any tips on how to improve our sex life when we have such a busy schedule, those would also be very much appreciated.

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"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

highthief

I agree that masturbation and sex are kinda different - one is entirely selfish and the other is to be shared. Also, I think a lot of couples as they near the one year mark tone down their sex with each other a bit - it's no longer as novel as it once was, I think that is a common thing. I would not tie that into your own attractiveness. You're still attractive.

I dunno what the solution is, though, other than a generic "try and spice up your sex life" line - share fantasies, act a few out, etc. Read and watch porn. It certainly can take effort when things are busy and we get self involved. Thankfully, after 10 years, Mrs. Highthief and I still manage regular carnal lust with one another, despite the introduction of Highthief Version 2.0 last year.

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Si vis pacem parabellum.

Poppinjay

No takes on oral sex? Slap the boy.

Even though he claims it's "different", it greatly affects your sex life. After he takes care of himself, it'll take about two hours to re-charge, and he probably won't be in the mood anyways. Talk, be honest, tell him his habit is killing YOUR sex drive.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

ratbastid

Okay, so he understands your point and sees, to whatever extent, the same problem you see. So what would he need in order to do that?

It's definitely true that masturbation is quicker, easier, and more certain than sex. Especially when you're in a rut, sexually, it can look like the easiest thing to do. You should go ahead and implement the new things you've been talking about. And be free to experiment while you're there. Some of our best stuff happened by accident--some position between here and there that we paused at for a second and liked a lot...

Communication is the whole deal here. It sounds like you've been communicating some, and that's good. Try to keep the blame out of your communication, hard though that may be. He knows something's off too, and I can hear that he's as committed to shaking things up as you are.