Zar

So I've never really posted on here before, but I'm facing something of a conundrum at the moment, and I figured I might as well get all your input.

I've been seeing a girl for about 5 months now. I met her at my college last semester. The beginnings of our relationship were somewhat tumultuous; she was engaged to a guy I'd known since my freshman year, and I sort of swept her off her feet and she ended that. (I guess some more background info is pertinent here: she got engaged in high school. Right now I'm 22, and she's about to turn 20) She's my first serious relationship - she was the first I told that I loved. We clicked pretty well immediately, and we were both quite smitten with one another. Things continued to progress fairly well over the summer, we visited each other almost every weekend. We've even discussed getting an apartment together sometime, although nothing concrete there. However, there are now some problems that I foresee.

1. As I've gotten to know her more, some aspects of her personality are quite annoying. Whatever pops into her head pops out of her mouth, leading to numerous awkward situations. I've dealt with this with aplomb thus far, but it gets tiresome sometimes.

2. I am having some trust issues. She has told me before (while drunk), that if I had not wanted to be her boyfriend, she still would have messed around with me while staying with her ex-fiancee.

3. I unfortunately do not attend the same school as her this semester, due to some unfortunate circumstances. Long distance is a bitch.

2 and 3 lead into 4... I've been talking with her online lately. She's at school, I'm at home. She's telling me about guys giving her flirtatious smiles, and her smiling back. I am trying not to be an overly jealous, protective boyfriend, but everything else and this is driving me kind of bonkers.

I would want more than anything to make this relationship work, but I don't want to set myself up to be a sucker either. She really is the first girl I've felt at all compatible with, and I'm afraid to give up on it. I'm supposed to go see her at school tomorrow for the weekend, and I'm not really sure what's up. Any input?

eMOTIONal20

Hmm sounds a little bit to me like she missed that "single time" that a lot of people need after getting out of serious relationship. Jumping from one to another is not usually a good idea... if she really wanted to be with you though, and make it work, she would.

Number 2 sounds like a huge red flag to me, if she was going to cheat on her ex with you anyway, what does that mean about you and her while she's away at a different school? Maybe she'll meet someone else who suddenly "sweeps her off her feet" and she'll end up cheating on you...

It sounds like what you need to do now is communicate with her. Ask her how she feels about the relationship with you. Ask her if she's having feelings for other people, or wanting to be single at her new school. If I were in your position I'd be telling my SO to tell me if he wanted to be with someone else or be by himself... I think that would save a lot of hurtful emotions. It sounds like a much better idea than being cheated on, lied to, or lead on....

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analog

#1 would make me want to know her more... some things can fade out over time, given enough other good stuff.

#2 is a giant siren. You've only been with her for 5 months. While I understand that she was your first "love"... she's basically telling you she's a cheater. Doesn't have any remorse for it, either.

For me, that would be the end of that.

aberkok

Be aware that few relationships survive the college years. There's just so many oppurtunities. I know it's not a very constructive thing to say, but that's the reality. Here's something more constructive: you need to be absolutely sure your relationship is solid enough to weather the college years.

The issues you are having need to be confronted.

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Vincentt

She was engaged to that guy and look how quickly she changed.

She seems fickle to me.

You should not be thinking long term with her in mind.

She is an admitted cheater.
Breaking off an engagement so easy, granted she was young, just screams trouble.

I would imagine a drama queen, who turned her actions on her ex into her own tragedy.
Why? I don’t know, that is just the image that I get.

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Acetylene

OK guys, lots of jumping to conclusions here.

A lot of girls (and I mean EVERYONE I know) think their high school boyfriend is GOD and can do no wrong. If he doesn't dump them, they will follow him around for years. This can lead to an engagement, often without the boy really knowing what's going on or wanting more than just free sex. I know because this is EXACTLY what happened to me.

It takes meeting someone who actually deserves their time and attention before these girls will realize their infallible boyfriend is actually an immature dickweed, and then they will willingly break it off with him, EVEN IF they aren't sure they would get to date the new guy. If there's one awesome guy out there, surely there are more! I know this, too, because the exact same thing happened to me.

If this aforementioned girl has really never been single, and now a whole world of potentially awesome men has been revealed to her, DUH, she's going to want to check them out! She may even smile at them. But you can't call her "a cheater" for her behavior in this one, very specialized situation.

You also can't condemn her for something she said while drunk, particularly when she is annying outspoken even while sober, because this may be the first the idea occurred to her-"I love this guy, he is so hot, he would be worth messing around with even if he didn't like me back" becomes "I would have slept with you anyway." Attempted complement backfires.

As for finding aspects of her annoying, well, welcome to the end of the honeymoon. When the initial rush wears off, you start to notice the drawbacks in your relationship. This is inevitable and the real questions is not "Is she annoying" but "Do the good bits outweigh the bad ones?"

I guess the main thing I'm saying is, I stayed with a total ass for 5 years out of sheer pigheaded loyalty. Then I finally dumped him for Kel. Does that make me a cheater? Or does it make me a girl who finally wised up and recognized an ass for what he was--and a rockin awesome guy for what HE was?

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Stompy

#2 is very bad.

You need someone who's strong and isn't afraid to end a relationship if it goes bad, not just dump out and hop along w/ someone else.

Keep this in mind, because if things ever start getting not-so-good between you two, she has a VERY high rate of cheating on you instead of doing something smart like fixing the problem or ending the relationship.

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ratbastid

I don't put much stock in what people say when they're drunk. Who knows what she actually meant by that. Not that I think you should just step over it, though. You should talk to her about her having said that and what it left you with. You now have a concern about your relationship--and it has you listening to her talk about the flirtatious smiles in a particular way too.

Let her know your concerns. Give her an opportunity to handle them with you. How she handles THAT actually says the most about her.

lurkette

^^^He's so smart

I gotta agree with the folks who say don't take the drunken "confession" too seriously. Don't ignore it, but I don't think it's the "run like hell" warning sign others think it is. And the fact that she left her fiance....people change a lot when they get to college. Could be she had "outgrown" the relationship and was just looking for a way out. That doesn't mean her feelings for you aren't genuine, but I would say "proceed with some caution" knowing that this girl has a lot of growing to do.

One of the things you'll see repeated over and over again in Tilted Sexuality is that communication is pretty much the #1 recommended approach to all relationship problems. Talk to her about your concerns. Tell her that you're feeling insecure about the relationship because of distance, flirtation, etc., and see what she has to say. It's best, too, if you can "own" your own emotions - don't make it necessarily about her being too this or too that, just say, I'm feeling this way, I'd like to know how you feel about this and about me.

If you're going to continue a long-distance relationship, I think you have to be willing to trust her and to allow her a bit of harmless flirtation without getting bent out of shape, if flirtation is where it stops. She was fricking engaged in high school, and if you don't want to lose her you may need to be confident enough to let her have a little fun. If you can't handle that, then this might not be the right time for you two to hook up.

Good luck!

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