some advise - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

nealsan · 06-17-2005, 03:02 PM

I have been going out with this girl for well over 2 years now and things are great except that we have never gone all the way because she wants to wait untill shes engaged/married. We fool around and that stuff is great too but it leaves me unsatisfied. I really love this girl and feel that our relationship is going somewhere which is why i've waited this long for her. At first i thought that she might just need a little more time to get comfortable but i've now discovered that its just not being engaged/married that makes her uncomfortable about going all the way. we've talked about this on a number of ocassions and it seems like she dosent wannna change how she feels. i've been getting more and more frustrated about this situation lately to a point that i think a lot about breaking up. i just wanted some advise cause i dont want regret killing an otherwise amazing relationship.

MEAD · 06-17-2005, 03:04 PM

There's nothing you can do, man. Your either in it for the long haul or you break up with her. It seems that you been understanding about it and supportive, which is great. And is also seems like her resolve to wait till she's married is very strong, you have to respect that like you have been. If its too difficult for you, it might just be best to try and be friends and avoid the sexual frustration and end up resenting each other.

maleficent · 06-17-2005, 03:12 PM

You've got a bit of a stalemate.

She doesn't want to have sex until she is either married or engaged, and she's not backing down from that. Those are her beliefs. Her choice.

You want her to change her beliefs so you can feel satisfied. It's not fair to her to ask her to change her beliefs when she's been upfront about them all along.

How old are you both? Do you love her?

Ask your self how important sex is in a relationship? is she important enough to you for you to wait to see if you do end up engaged or married? If sex is more important that what you currently have, and as a young guy, that'd be a pretty normal reaction, then end it with her and find someone else.

Do not pull the "unless you have sex with me, we are breaking up" manipulation card. That's not fair to her and you'd be getting what you want for the wrong reasons. Otherwise it's lots of masturbation and cold showers for you...

nealsan · 06-17-2005, 03:32 PM

I am 25 and she 23. sex is not something i would use to define my relationships, far from it but if you are not sexually satisfied then you get frustrated and that frustration finds its way in other aspects of your relationship....i see it happening to me now. i respect her belief but i cant understand it cause if we love one another and there is this great trust and understanding between us then why wait?! Also we dont plan on getting married for another 2 years atleast and right now looking ahead at another 2 years seems crazy. and yes i do love her, very much.

Sage · 06-17-2005, 07:53 PM

Have you asked her *why* she feels this way? Does she know you're planning on getting married one day? Why don't you talk to her about this- the first thing that makes a good relationship is COMMUNICATION and that is doubly so if you get married. So start practicing. If you have been together for so long I have no idea why you don't already know the answer to the "why doesn't she want to have sex?" question.

Also, if you know you love her and want to marry her, why not ask her? Don't ask her because you want to get laid, but just propose already and let her know how much you care about her!

Oh, and I wouldn't suggest having the "why do you want to wait to have sex" talk and the proposal on the same day.... good luck!

777 · 06-17-2005, 08:15 PM

You can propose.

Nah, sex is a terrible reason to get married, unless I'm mistaken.

ratbastid · 06-18-2005, 04:28 AM

You should talk to her about your feelings--in a way that makes it clear you're not interested in manipulating her or forcing her into anything, but where you don't shy away from expressing your frustration. Maybe there's a middle ground you can work out.

06-17-2005, 03:02 PM	#1 (permalink)
nealsan Upright	some advise I have been going out with this girl for well over 2 years now and things are great except that we have never gone all the way because she wants to wait untill shes engaged/married. We fool around and that stuff is great too but it leaves me unsatisfied. I really love this girl and feel that our relationship is going somewhere which is why i've waited this long for her. At first i thought that she might just need a little more time to get comfortable but i've now discovered that its just not being engaged/married that makes her uncomfortable about going all the way. we've talked about this on a number of ocassions and it seems like she dosent wannna change how she feels. i've been getting more and more frustrated about this situation lately to a point that i think a lot about breaking up. i just wanted some advise cause i dont want regret killing an otherwise amazing relationship.

06-17-2005, 03:04 PM	#2 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	There's nothing you can do, man. Your either in it for the long haul or you break up with her. It seems that you been understanding about it and supportive, which is great. And is also seems like her resolve to wait till she's married is very strong, you have to respect that like you have been. If its too difficult for you, it might just be best to try and be friends and avoid the sexual frustration and end up resenting each other. __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

06-17-2005, 03:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	You've got a bit of a stalemate. She doesn't want to have sex until she is either married or engaged, and she's not backing down from that. Those are her beliefs. Her choice. You want her to change her beliefs so you can feel satisfied. It's not fair to her to ask her to change her beliefs when she's been upfront about them all along. How old are you both? Do you love her? Ask your self how important sex is in a relationship? is she important enough to you for you to wait to see if you do end up engaged or married? If sex is more important that what you currently have, and as a young guy, that'd be a pretty normal reaction, then end it with her and find someone else. Do not pull the "unless you have sex with me, we are breaking up" manipulation card. That's not fair to her and you'd be getting what you want for the wrong reasons. Otherwise it's lots of masturbation and cold showers for you... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

06-17-2005, 07:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Have you asked her why she feels this way? Does she know you're planning on getting married one day? Why don't you talk to her about this- the first thing that makes a good relationship is COMMUNICATION and that is doubly so if you get married. So start practicing. If you have been together for so long I have no idea why you don't already know the answer to the "why doesn't she want to have sex?" question. Also, if you know you love her and want to marry her, why not ask her? Don't ask her because you want to get laid, but just propose already and let her know how much you care about her! Oh, and I wouldn't suggest having the "why do you want to wait to have sex" talk and the proposal on the same day.... good luck! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

06-17-2005, 08:15 PM	#6 (permalink)
777 drawn and redrawn Location: Some where in Southern California	You can propose. Nah, sex is a terrible reason to get married, unless I'm mistaken. __________________ "I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip." Roger Zelazny

06-17-2005, 03:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
nealsan Upright	I am 25 and she 23. sex is not something i would use to define my relationships, far from it but if you are not sexually satisfied then you get frustrated and that frustration finds its way in other aspects of your relationship....i see it happening to me now. i respect her belief but i cant understand it cause if we love one another and there is this great trust and understanding between us then why wait?! Also we dont plan on getting married for another 2 years atleast and right now looking ahead at another 2 years seems crazy. and yes i do love her, very much.

06-18-2005, 04:28 AM	#7 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	You should talk to her about your feelings--in a way that makes it clear you're not interested in manipulating her or forcing her into anything, but where you don't shy away from expressing your frustration. Maybe there's a middle ground you can work out.