The correct approach

[someotherguy]

Hi all, (Long post below)

So I have known this girl for about 2 years now. Within a few weeks I found myself more and more drawn to her each day. After about 6 months of being the guy in the corner who doesn't say much, we finally had to do a group project in a programming class that we are both in. That went really well and we seemed to get along. The next year (this past school year) we had 3 classes together (both computer science majors) and in one of them we partnered up for a semester long project. So we spent alot of time together each day. Roughly 4 hours a day. Longer toward the end of the year.

Well at the beginning of last year she had mentioned that her and her boyfriend went someplace last summer or something. This was like a shot to the heart. One of those "damn all the goods ones are already taken". I never brought up her boyfriend, but I assumed she was still with him. Throughout the year she would mention him from time to time, and I eventually found out he was going to a different college so they don't really see each other but like once a month or so.

At the end of the year she mentioned she was needing a job for the summer and she had been a manager at a local ymca last summer but the hours were not very good, plus she was not sure she would get the position this year. I offered to get her a computer internship with me. She liked the idea and a few weeks later she was hired. It was going to be just for the summer, but she likes the job and may stay longer (I hope so.) So it's been 3 weeks and we are working together everyday for 8 hours a day. Since she really don't have the hang of things yet, plus it is the summer so the interns do big projects together, most of the days we are side by side the whole day.

This gives us plenty of time to talk about anything and everything. Plus there is ample time for flirting and what not. Not a ton of flirting but she does flirt with me from time to time. But I'm not 100% sure on whether it is just harmless or how she feels about me. Today we were talking about how some guy at the college we go to had asked her to lunch/dinner like 3 times during the school year and she had told him politely no.

This left a wide open hole for me to ask "You've had a boyfriend for a few years now right?" She responded "Well yeah I guess" (The I guess made me go hmm) So I asked, "So if this guy knew this then why would he ask you out" and she is like "Well because he always trys to get what he wants and is kinda a jerk". Then I asked "What do you mean you guess you've had a boyfriend for a while" She says "Well we don't see each other alot and when we do we fight alot" I was like "That doesn't sound like much fun, why are you still with him" She replied "Well I just really like hanging out with him really"

In the car today we started talking about what kind of women I like. She brought of the conversation, maybe inquiring because she is wondering if I like her, or perhaps it was just small talk. She mentioned cheerleaders because we drove by a group of them in the lawn of a school. She was like "I bet you liked that didn't you" My reply "Not really, the combined iq of everyone standing there is probably below 100" (Kinda of cheesy but she laughed. She has a weird sense of humor. And sorry if anyone was a cheerleader, it was just a broad generalization) And I told her that blonds didn't really do it for me. I told her that I was looking for a person that could hold a conversation at my level not someone who I would have to talk down to. Somewhere along the way I told her that she was an intelluctual person (I think during lunch with me, her and my best friend, we were talking about how guys classify girls in just a few words.)

She said she didn't think of herself that way. I told her compared to most girls that I know she was extremely intelligent and it was cool being about to talk about topics openly and to have someone generally agree with what I said, or when she doesn't agree that she can offer a different side that has real meaning and could also possibly be true. Some how we got to talking about weight, (I think I called someone fat) and she asked me what I considered to be a big person. I told her that any girl that weighed more than I would I would probably have a problem having a relationship with (Again sorry but thats just how I am.) I think that she feels I think or other people think she is kinda big. She is 5'4 and probably 130lbs if that. Realize that I think she is absolutely perfect in almost every aspect.

We got more and more into details about women, height, weight, hair color, age, religion (or lack thereof), intelligence, morals. I made sure that while my answers were kinda broad that she fit into everyone of them. We talked about kids and how we both felt that they were nice to have around and visit with for about an hour and after that it is time to give them back to their parents. Not that we don't want kids just nowhere close to right now.

We got into the discussion of my religous beliefs, and whether I thought God existed. I told her that I wasn't sure but I base alot of my opinions on facts that I can see infront of me. And that I had been to church many times, but I feel that alot of it is a preacher tell you how and what you should believe. Mostly I think that if you live a moral life, you will be ok. She goes to church once or twice a week and is in the choir, but she isn't the type of person who will impose her beliefs on another person. And she seemed to agree with everything I said and seen where I was coming from.

She asked "Well if you don't have faith in a higher being, then what makes you feel safe when you get in your car" I told her "I have faith but it isn't necessarily in a greater being as much as it is in fellow mankind, that they will abide by the same laws that have been set." She mentioned that the basic set of morals are set up in the bible, and asked what I thought about them. I said that I agree with most of them but times change and as they do morals can change with society.

I brought up the fact that cursing is considered bad by many people but it is really just a manmade rule and words are just words. She agreed kind of reluctantly. On a side note, I try more and more each day to not curse when I'm with her. She doesn't say anything about it, but I can see/feel that it may bug her.

Anyways back on topic. So I'm not 100% how to approach her about perhaps going out to dinner sometime, or maybe going to an amusement park with her and my best friend and his girlfriend. She didn't like the fact that the one guy had asked her out, but the way she described him there was other things about him that she didn't like so that may have been the reason. I was/still am hoping to get to see a picture of her current boyfriend (if you can call it that) to see what she likes in the appearance of men. I don't want to say I want to see what the competition is, because women are not prizes, but I do still want to know.

As I type all of this I am sitting here grinning about the time we spent together today, and can't wait until monday morning (least I have a positive outlook about going to work again.) Here lately I have been having dreams about her and I being together, just hanging out doing things. Watching movies on the couch and what not. She isn't like other girls I see around town when I'm hanging out with my friends. Guys being guys saying how hot a girl is or how you would like to hit that. I'm not even conserned about sex at all. I'm not even sure if she is a virgin or not. I think she is. I just want to be around her and be with her. It's like when I'm with her that day couldn't be any better and I don't even realize that we are working. The days at work used to drag on, but if just us to are together they seem to fly by. When the end of the day comes, I'm tired of working, but I regret watching her leave and go home.

So with all of that being said, any suggestions of what step I should take?

[iamabanana]

Make sure you don't have to change yourself to make her like you. If you end up doing that, you'll be unhappy.

I say take it slowly. The last thing you want is to get too attached and find out she's still stuck on her "boyfriend". It sounds like she might be stringing you along cause she's not getting enough attention from him, too. Hopefully it'll work out to your advantage. Good luck.

[someotherguy]

I don't see that she is stringing me along because a lack of attention from her boyfriend, but perhaps I am being nieve because I'm so drawn toward her. She doesn't seem to be the type of person to do that, but I suppose it is possible she is doing subconsiously because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. She is very considerate of other peoples feelings.

As for changing myself to make her like me.Thats the thing she and I get along great and have never fought about anything. The cursing thing I really need to stop doing it so much for myself as much as for her.

[Sage]

I say, make it clear that you are being friends with her- so doing something like an amusement park would be fun, but I'd suggest bringing other people who aren't couples along too just so this girl doesn't get the feeling she's on a "double date." It sounds like she likes you but doesn't know what she wants- I know a lot of people keep their high school boyfriends around when they're in college because they dont know what else to do, or because they feel them to be a "security blanket" against getting to know other guys. Just let her know you're there, and be nice to her. She might have some more growing up to do before she feels comfortable in her own skin, and if you're willing to wait for her to do that then by all means, do. She sounds like a really nice girl, and you sound like you're doing everything you can to make sure you're as chilvarious as possible. Keep doing all these things, and make sure you are affirming her wonderfulness every day by assuring her of how smart and beautiful you think she is (but don't go over the top with these things, just say things like "Wow, that was a really insightful observation" and "that shirt really brings out the color of your eyes"). Let her know you're paying attention to her and like doing so, and it will most likely be the catylist to her "growing up" and out of this "keeping my old HS boyfriend around for the hell of it" phase.

[todd]

You sound a bit like myself. I'm an extremely shy guy, and only really open up and take shots when the opporunity is perfect. And let me tell you, you have a perfect opportunity. DON'T miss it. If anybody knows missed opportunities, it's me.

As far as figuring out how to ask her out, this is also the step where I also have the most trouble with. Ask her to lunch. Lunch is a better first step than dinner, because it's much more casual. It's also not really seen as a date date, but it lets her know you are interested in her outside of work and school. Do that a time or two and if she seems to have fun, then do dinner or a movie.

Reading the last paragraph of your post reminded me completely of myself. There's been girls that i've thought about like that too, and I let them slip away. The regrets I have are huge. Seriously man, don't miss your opportunity. You said it's been about 3 weeks since you've been together each day, which is more than enough time to get to know her as a friend. You should act now. Doing anything is better than doing nothing at all

[someotherguy]

Originally Posted by Sage

I say, make it clear that you are being friends with her- so doing something like an amusement park would be fun, but I'd suggest bringing other people who aren't couples along too just so this girl doesn't get the feeling she's on a "double date."

Thats exactly the way I went about it. We coulda went today but there were 2 other mutual friends, a guy and a girl (who are not together), that both couldn't go along with us. So I made sure that we didn't go without them because it would be to forward with just us 2 and my best friend and his girlfriend.

Originally Posted by todd

Ask her to lunch. Lunch is a better first step than dinner, because it's much more casual. It's also not really seen as a date date, but it lets her know you are interested in her outside of work and school.

The thing is she goes to her grandmother's on the weekends. But we already have lunch together everyday. 4 times now with just us 2.

See I'm at the point now where I want to make a move, but I think I just need to let it ride for a little while longer. I still have everyday of July and August of being with her all day long. Plus 2 or 3 classes with her next semester.

Thanks for the insight, if you have any more keep it coming.

[eMOTIONal20]

I like it when I'm good friends with a guy before any questions of dating even come up. So, like the other suggestions, I think it might be best to ask her to just hang out with you and a few friends for a while. Since she is still with someone, let her figure out what she wants. A lot of the time, girls who aren't getting what they want or deserve in a relationship will look for it somewhere else. Let her figure out on her own what she's doing and what she wants. In time, if she doscovers she does like you enough to break up with her boyfriend and start something with you, then she will. However, if you really want to be with her this bad, then just keep with the light flirting and being interested in getting to know her.