Neogigas667

I am a little paranoid when it comes to my signifigent other sometimes, and usually don't get to see her very often (We still live seperately). And lately now that she has started her new job I have been getting strong suspicions that I she is cheating on me (I hope that I am just being paranoid). She talks to this guyshe works with often, yet has told me she doesn't like him more than once. When I confronted her a little about why she talks to him if she does not like him she says she doesn't want to stop talking to him since he and her will be working together for a while (The job is at a resturant and they will have the same shift). That was the first thing that threw me off but I let it slip by, well because I do trust her. Next, her room-mate tells me that she is talking to him fairly often. Now I do trust her roomie to tell me if she is cheating on me but... and very recently I called her on her cell phone randomly because she sent me a text, and I come to find out she was on break and he and her were hanging out alone in the break room and had been for close to a half hour.

So, I was wondering If anyone could with the information given tell me if she is or is not cheating on me, just for my good concious, and I can give more info if it is needed just ask. Also I was wondering if with out coming out and confronting her about it , if there were and very sure fire ways to know wether or not she is cheating on me?

Also, If this is not the section to post these kinds of questions I shall move it to the proper section and Apologize for my lack of intelligence.

amonkie

You say you Trust her ... and yet it appears it makes you uncomfortable that she spends time alone with him. If you go snooping, you will be doing both of you a disservice. Communication with her is the ultimate key - you cannot trust someone who you do not communicate with to make sure you are both on the same page.

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Neogigas667

I do trust her it is him I don't trust, she has had bad experiences with hmmm how do I put this with out offending anyone, In 9th grade she was raped by 3 well black guys during her gym class. Ever since then she had been uncomfortable around them. Also, she is well, it is sometimes difficult for her to say no, because well her former step father used to beat her and abuse her, he as well molested her when she was 9. but that is besides the point, so ever scince then she had well just kind of been afraid. And well I am just afraid he might take advantage of her or something along those lines and she be to frightened to say anything. I know it sounds stupid but It is very complicated... I wish I could explain it better but I am not very good with words and such, but I am just worried.

Neogigas667

the more I read that the worse it sounds, hehe see she has repeatedly told me that she would never let anything happen I am more looking for signs to know if anything has hadppened rather than if cheating has happened...

Lead543

Start stalking her.

Look, if she cheats on you, she wasn't worth it in the first place.

If she doesn't, you've got yourself a great girl.

By being untrusting, you're going to push her away, it hurts when a partner thinks that you don't love them enough to be faithful.

If she's the type who will cheat there's nothing you can do to stop her because it's a problem she has within herself. As long as you're treating her well in the relationship, she should feel no need to look elsewhere.

Simple as that.

maleficent

is a sure fire way to get her to either cheat, or drop you because you accused her of cheating.

Need to start with some basics here -- How old are you and she, respectively. What keeps you apart? School or is it just because of where you live.

She's had a troubled past, but has she given you reason to beleive that she will cheat on you? Has she ever done it before?

What's your experience been wiht other women? Have you been cheated on?

How long have you been together.... and what kind of relationship has that been?

Jealousy is a sure fire relationship killer... it's ok for men and women who work together to talk to each other and spend break times together - it doesnt mean anything... (I have been a round the world more than once with male colleagues I work with - their wives had absolutely nothing to be concerned about)

Relax and really think about what you want from this relationship and what you want f rojm her - It's almost like you are expecting her to cheat so you can catch her - otherwise why would you enlist the aid of her roommate... There's a tihing we've talked about here before- -called Self-fulfilling prophecy... if you beleive something negative will happen... it will happen because you've done something that has caused it.. ie you think she's going to cheat -- you've all but accused her of cheating- she thinks -- well screw it - he already thinks i'm doing it so I might as well.

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noodles

to answer the initial question in an obvious way: the only surefire way to find out if she's cheating short of a confession is to find undeniable proof in some form.

finding this proof will require you to either go looking or for it to stumble into your lap. if you go looking, you clearly no longer trust her and risk her breaking up with you, especially if she is not cheating on you.

to make a long story short, this sounds like you're insecure. your girlfriend will have guy friends, period. the majority of my girlfriends have had more guy friends than girl friends, and thats cool with me, even though the majority of my relationships have ended because of cheating (not on my part).

you may want to consider sitting down and talking to her if its a serious problem keeping you awake at night. that would be much more mature than stalking her for proof.

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Grey2000

Its all very well to advocate not being suspicious, but in the real world I'm afraid that just don't cut it. Anybody, no matter how well-intentioned is susceptible to cheating. If you have cause to think it, you have cause to check it out.

MageB420666

Huh?

I'm calling bullshit on that statement. The are people in the world who will not cheat. I am one of them. I don't cheat, period.

As for the original poster:

It is possible for a guy and a girl to be just friends. Maybe she realizes that you get jealous of her being around other guys and doesn't want that to stop her from being friends with someone she likes.

Talk to her. Ask her if she is friends with the guy, but don't be possesive! Suggest the possibility of the three (or more) of you going somewhere and hanging out. I would suggest that you not get suspicious of cheating unless she doesn't want you to meet/get to know the guy, but she still hangs around with him alot.

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Voltas

I lived in Detroit for 3 years and they had a morning radio show bit that they called War of the Roses..... Basicly its like this...

They offer to help a listener that is Paranoid about a cheating lover..call in and tell us your story.

Then they get the lovers phone number and the girl from the radio station calls the significant other while the acuser is listening. She says that she is from flowersbloom.com and that she is doing a really quick 2 question poll and if they ansewer the questions she will send a dozen roses to anywhere in the US for free!!!! after a little conjolling she is good at convincing them to do the BS questions...

1. when was the last time you baught flowers
2. where did you buy them

after that the REAL STUFF happens... "where would you like the flowers sent?"

Now this is the catch (they do send the flowers no mater what) BUT they have to get the NAME of the person they are sending the flower too..

so one of 2 things happen and they follow through with BOTH the people on the line no mater what so sometimes is backlashes on the paranoid one.

IF they say send it to X and X is not the person thats paranoid....UT OH your busted!! and some times it funny, one time a guy spent 10 min. denying that he said some other gurls name and called them all liers till they started repeating his response back to him and he hung up. and then ALSO if they say to send them to the paranoid one they get on and tell the significant other that they're boyfriend/gurlfriend is on the line and that they where paranoid about them cheating and then start talking to both...this usualy ends up with alot of red faced appologies for not trusting some one and everyonce in a while ends up with them getting dumbed because they're untrusting or over protective.

this may not help you at al but its good fun to listen too

if your ever in Detroit turn on channel 95.5 Mojo in the Mourning some funny stuff goin on there hehe. (sorry for the plug for the radio, i don't work for them)

Well good luck!

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iamabanana

I say that if you have these doubts it's probably an unhealthy relationship to begin with. If she's been molested and raped, you're lucky she's in a comfortable relationship with you. I think that cheating would be the last thing on her mind judging by her past experiences.

Paranoia will ruin you.

Sage

Um, has this girl been to thearapy for her past trauma? And NO, it is NOT "besides the point" that she was molested when she was younger- this kind of thing could lead to bigger and uglier relationship issues in the future.

Personally, I think you're paranoid and need to communicate with her more. If you don't trust her now, you probably won't ever, no matter if you have reasonable doubt about her activities or not.

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777

well, I stumble upon a book called Cheaters sometime back. it's writen my a pi who follows people who may be cheating on their SOs. One thing he states that all cheaters have in common is that they would rather cheat than end the relationship. You've heard it before, how he/she cheated, and yet doesn't want to break up either. That's what he means and sees it all the time.

If your going to start snooping around, try planting a voice activated tape recorder in her car or at her place. Make sure it's silent enough for the job, and pick it up later.

If it turns out to be nothing, plan something special, like a weekend getaway.

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noodles

true. you can be suspicious, everyone might feel a little suspicious every once in a while. but when you cross the line and act upon those suspicious is where the problem comes in.

false, unless your definition of cheating is off.

definitely false.

are you sure you're mistaking jealousy for suspicion of cheating?

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Neogigas667

Well, thank you all for your advice. It has really helped me cope with the fact that yes, she will have male friends and that is something I have to live with. I really do love her and yes I do trust her, I just get a little paranoid I guess because I get a little insecure. But Again I thank you all for your help and advice you helped me realize a lot.

Rlyss

The problem with planting devices or setting traps to catch the partner is that if they don't turn up any evidence you might get even more suspicious. If you thought a tape recorder planted in the car would catch her activities, and it didn't, you might think 'Well, she's not cheating then'. Or you might think 'That didn't work, I'll try something else' and go even further, and be more intrusive and perhaps eventually go to extremes. A bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy.

You're in a tough place though. If you think she might be cheating then sitting down and explaining what you are afraid is going on may not work, because she might have convenient excuses or cover stories. All you can do is work out whether the distrust is coming from her activities or your own insecurities, and work through them. Keep an eye out for signs in the meantime, but try and make it the best relationship ever.

raeanna74

Maleficient had some good things to say.

My thoughts would be to try to trust her. If she's not meeting this guy OUTSIDE of work then I would suggest you have nothing to fear. Talking to him a lot - could just be a "friends venting" sortof conversation. I wouldn't go to stalking her or asking her roommate to spy on her. Be patient and watchful. Just wait and see. Don't shut down with her though because that would only encourage her to go to another relationship if her current one is shut down.

I wish you both good luck.

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dlish

u need to call the TV show "cheaters'. ok maybe thats too much exposure, but im sure they'd get to the bottom of it

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trib767

Get into her hotmail. Set up a packet sniffer on your PC and, one day, let her use your PC to check her mail. You'll then have her password in the sniffer logs. If she's carrying on then there'll probably be an e-mail to prove it. Worked for me.
However, I was 99.99999999% certain that something was going on before taking this final extreme step. I just needed that one shred of evidence. Even though I knew I had to confirm my almost certain suspicion I felt really terrible doing something so underhand.

Acetylene

Dump her. If you don't trust either, either she is untrustworthy, or you are untrusting. Either way, it is a bad thing.

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Demeter

If you are planning on catching her cheating the relationship is over. You have trust issues, legimate or not, and there's no way this is going to end but badly. If you are snooping or stalking you either have confidence problems, or things have led you to believe that she's cheating. Which means its already over.
If your only suspicion is her conversing with a guy she works with, while she is at work, I would say you have to look at yourself, not her.

My god people...voice recorders? looking through her emails? *shakes head*
If it's come to that, something is very wrong.

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