joemc91

My girlfriend and I recently had a pretty long talk about what's happenning in both our lives right now and I'd really like your takes on this. A little background is in order however. I didn't really know she was very interested in me until I kissed her. Unfortunately that was the night before I had to be gone for some crappy competition for a week; Thus setting the stage for our relationship. The week I got back was finals week at school and the next week she had to go to home. So here we are three weeks into a relationship and already we may as well be long distance. After her week at home, we both had graduation so we got to see each other for the whole weekend, although both our families took a bit of our time. We had maybe two days together. She headed home after graduation on Monday and I headed home to Boston on Tuesday... for three weeks. Coming back before I headed south to start my job, she picked me up at the airport and we planned on having three days together. Well, as noted in an earlier thread, my roommate made that a futile attempt.

Now I am in St. Louis training to be an airline pilot and she is home for the summer before she starts med school in the Fall. Right before she left for home she asked me if I ever thought we were setting ourselves up to get hurt. My response to this is rarely, but it doesn't matter because we should worry about getting hurt.

Today we had a long discussion about what's happenning in the fall. She understands that I can get to her school pretty much whenever I want due to the job perks and that this is pretty common practice in the industry. That is commutting to work across states and even the country. Her main issue with the situation is she feels like she'd be an awful girlfriend because she wouldn't be able to spend much time with me when I visit since she will most likely have so much work.

I understand this predicament since my dad was in medical school and we have talked for hours before about how much work was done at med school. To me, there is no reason to end a relationship just because one thinks they may be a bad girlfriend or boyfriend. I believe that is up to the other party to decide. This is especially true since we haven't even got to the point of having to deal with the actual situation yet. I feel we should give it the benifit of the doubt and give it a shot. If it doesn't work, then hey, at least we tried. It would kill me to know we gave up on this just because of a little hypothetical situation. At the same time, she mentions that a breakup in the middle of the school year, if it happened, would be exceedingly rough, which I can understand.

All in all, I really care for this girl and want to see her succeed in med school and would do all I can for her while she's there. As I've told her, school comes first and I understand if she doesn't have time. It seems as if she's been running this through her mind a lot lately as she has not been as affectionate as she was before we last saw each other.

I can honestly say I will not sleep well tonight.

Any recommendations, opinions, comments?

TM875

Geez, how to handle this....

My first impression is that it would be in both of your best interests to give it up. First of all, three weeks is not really long enough to be considering any major lifetime-changing decisions in order to be with this girl. Secondly, post-college long distance relationships have a very hard time working out, simply because you both now have so many more pressing distractions in your life. Boy, you better believe med school is hard - couple the studying with her desire to have a little bit of a social life while there, and you've lost any time open for you. Likewise, flight school isn't a cakewalk, either. There will be plenty of nights when your brain is so fried that you want nothing but to slip into a nice, peaceful coma for a decade or two.

The second thought I had, though, is that if you're so serious about her (hence why you're writing this thread), and she seems so serious about you (right?), then there might be a chance. You didn't say where she goes to school...is the drive longer than just a few hours? If you legitimatly think that you can make that committment a couple of times a month, and think that she would make the same committment to 1) Find time for you when you visit and 2) Remain faithful to you when you're far, far away , then give it a shot. Just don't invest too much into it, and don't be upset if it crumbles.

Another pressing matter is, if you see this going long-term (and if you don't, then why are you wasting your time now), what type of future living arrangements are you seeing yourselves in? Are you going to live together next summer? Do you have your own apartment in St. Louis that she can crash in when school lets out? You guys are adults now - you have to start living in this relationship as if you were two grown people. If you do not see yourselves living in the same area when her school is not in session, and/or can't see yourself moving to wherever it is that she's attending med school (remember: several years of residency is coming up), then you should probably save yourself the trouble and pain now and end it. There's plenty of single girls in St. Louis - don't forsake part of your life now for something that you may regret three, four, or five years in the future.

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"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

maleficent

Three weeks does not a relationship make... You are still in the "sex haze" part of the relationship...

However.... if either party goes into a relationship worrying about being hurt, the relationship is pretty much doomed from the start, because they are not going to invest their all in the relationship, they will hold back.

Medical school, from all I have heard, is a tough few years, as is the residency that follows. That's a lot of work and a lot of pressure on someone, plus to add in a long distance relationship... doesn't sound like anything would get her full attention. Plus you doing all the travelling for the relationship will eventually lead to some resentment on your part that y ou are doing all the work.

I'd split apart now, and it it's meant to be, that when you are both finished with school, see where each other are... Don't give up the friendship, just the romantic part of the friendship.

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kangaeru

Is she the kind of girl you could see yourself marrying? Is she that rare combination of someone you can talk to anything about, go out and have a good time with whether to the bars, to see a movie, on a picnic, etc? Does she like doing things you like doing? Is she amazing and satisfying in bed?

Basically, if you really love this girl and think that you could be with her the rest of your life--if it's even a valid possibility, I'd say go for it man, and don't let anything stop you. Otherwise, call this off, you both are going to meet people in your new phases of your lives, and this is just going to end in an apathetic break up or a heartbreaker.

guthmund

What does it hurt?

There's no children, no house, no nothing. In fact, there really isn't that much history between you two, right? So...fuck it. Throw caution to the wind and see what happens.

I see no reason not to try. You're both going into this with eyes open. Maybe a little too open, like Mal pointed out, but as long as you're careful to not sabotage the relationship before it starts, I see no harm. I mean, it's not like you're buying a house together or having children. The only two folks who could possibly get hurt by this are you two and, in my opinion, you might as well try. It would be nice to bet on sure things and always win, but love doesn't seem to work like that. The possibility of a couple of broken hearts doesn't seem like enough to not try.

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little_tippler

If you really think the relationship has what it takes to last the course, then go for it. Who cares if it'll be hard if she's the love of your life? On the other hand, and I'm sorry to say this, it sounds to me like you may be the right people at the wrong time...sometimes you "meet" someone too soon...you know?

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Ustwo

My wife survived me in dental school for 2 years where she was a few hundred miles away. (We weren't married at the time).

We saw each other about once a month, fucked like rabbits, and otherwise talked a lot on the phone/computer.

In fact our relationship was mostly long distance for about 4 years, but we had been together for a solid year and a half first.

As for the med school = no time, thats basicly bullshit. What it does mean is you have to plan in advance for periods between tests and the like. Medschool is not a constant studying 24/7 for a majority of the students. I know because I took the same classes for the first 2 years, and partied with some of them. So you fly in friday night, shack up till sunday morning and leave.

If your relationship is strong it can work just fine, but if its not, it will fail.

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joemc91

I hate to bump this back up, but I'm at my wits end. To put it simply, I went into this last month and relationship full steam, studying almost every waking hour for my job and trying to visit when I could on the little time I had off. It started out ok, we both understood that I couldn't visit the first week as I couldn't travel yet. During the first week, we talked occasionally. We figured I could come up the next Friday night or Saturday morning and see each other. Late that week scheduling a barbeque with friends on Friday night, the night I had planned on visiting. Instead of inviting me to it, she said she wouldn't be able to pick me up. Sadly, it has been like this for the past few weeks now. Last weekend she said she'd go to Wisconsin with her family for the weekend, which is cool. But she ended up sticking around till Saturday evening and going to a baseball game with some friends. And this weekend she is going to Wisconsin with her friends, again nothing. Even worse though was that I sent a birthday present to her which arrived last Thursday and have yet to even get a call or IM thank you.

I get two feelings out of this. One is that she is not interested in me anymore. I talked to her about this last week but she said she still is. Personally I feel as if I have become her last priority. She says she is busy but I know she spends a lot of time just visiting with friends in the evening and on the weekend. The other feeling I get is that she's got something for her friend from back home. I hate to make that judgement but it's just a feeling I get. I'm going nuts with this.