oral sex - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

bubonico · 05-31-2005, 01:33 AM

I was kinda wondering how you all feel about this. My girl is unable to reach orgasm through penetration alone. However she tends to think that she should climax most of the time that we have sex. I don't really think it's fair that I should have to go down on her every time either before or after we have sex. I certainly don't mind going down on her in fact I love it, but when I'm doing it all the time and she rarely goes down on me I begin to feel used. I kinda feel like oral sex is oral sex and we should both be doing it about as often as the other does. I can't really help it that an orgasm for me is a byproduct of us having sexual intercourse. Is this a selfish way for me to look at it? Sometimes I feel like I am being totally selfish and it is only right that she should reach orgasm as often as I do. But then other times I start to feel the other way. Another thing is I sometimes feel like maybe she should help herself along a little bit more often. If she wants to have an orgasm she ought to stick her fingers down there during intercourse and get it going. When she does do this she can usually get herself off in like 30 seconds. It usally takes me close to 30 minutes to get her off with my tongue even with plenty of guidance. I hate to put it into these sorts of terms but it seems like she views our sexual encounters as a sort of orgasm count. While I was home she said to me I've only had 7 orgasms since you've been here. I didn't say it but I was thinking "what the fuck I've only been here less than 2 weeks". Granted we were having sex about 2 times a day on average. I was also thinking "you've only gone down on me twice". So I guess I view oral sex as an extra thing that we should both get and she thinks we should both have an equivalent number of orgasms. She said to me one time that she could be just as happy masturbating if she isn't reaching climax. I thought this was a totally unfair thing to say because I know she doesn't sit there and howl in extacy for an hour when she masturbates. I know damn well she enjoys the shit out of sex, she just can't really reach climax from it. She has since apologized about the masturbation comment. If other people could share with me how they feel about this I'd be quite grateful. Just FYI I think in general we have a pretty healthy relationship sexually and otherwise. Most of this stemmed from just one conversation that we had. We've talked about it since and I think we are both pretty well understood. I've told her that I don't need oral sex to be sexually satisfied, and if she does then I should be doing it as often as she desires. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm bending more than I should. Is she being selfish? Am I being selfish? Is there even a right answer here? I've kinda concluded that most couples probably work out different things to keep both partners happy and there is no real advice I can get on this.

h45e · 05-31-2005, 02:44 AM

Bite the bullet and buy a bullet and stick it down between her legs when u guys have sex.

d*d · 05-31-2005, 03:10 AM

you just sound pissed because your not getting blowjobs, using an orgasm/oral count is going to be ultimately self defeating in the puruit of an enjoyable sex life. Try talking to her about it without using terms of one upmanship

ktspktsp · 05-31-2005, 03:12 AM

Instead of thinking about this stuff on your own, you should tell her (in a non-confrontational tone). And then start a discussion from there.

Also, if you could please use more paragraphs in the future, it'll make your post a bit easier to read. A whole block of text is kinda visually confusing.

Thanks.

chickentribs · 05-31-2005, 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktspktsp

Also, if you could please use more paragraphs in the future, it'll make your post a bit easier to read. A whole block of text is kinda visually confusing.

Thanks.

I'll second that motion...

Don't keep score. It just means you're focusing on what you get, not on what you can give. It sounds like you have fallen into a rut together, and ruts come from not talking and being open about really pushing your sexual adventures together.

Try turning it into a tug of war with each other - she wants oral sex, fine. she gets a bit, but she has to give you a lap dance first., etc. Get creative and challenge each other with off the wall requests so that you're never quite sure what the other one will come up with next.

MSD · 05-31-2005, 07:31 AM

Vibrating cock ring. It's a win-win situation.

Zegel · 05-31-2005, 07:40 AM

That sounds a lot like the situation I have with my wife, which was really hard to work when we first got together but was easily worked through with communication. You're both being selfish here, you a bit moreso than her.

First of all, put yourself in her place. Imagine having lots and lots of intercourse and enjoying it immensely but never actually having an orgasm. Every time. Shounds shitty eh? That's what your girl gets to deal with.

Second, sex is sex. Intercourse, oral, whatever you want to do; it's a means to an end, to have fun and hopefully have an orgasm in the end. If she cant get off from intercourse, then obviously oral is the next best choice, unless you want to go a vibrator (which can work just as well, but probably wont be a sensual for her). Although you might feel like you're being forced into having to give her oral every time, if you look at it from her point of view, you're controlling whether or not she gets to orgasm. There's a powerplay going on here and from either point of view it looks like the other is trying to be controlling. Try concentrating on giving more than receiving, it will show that you're not trying to control her (unless that's actually what she wants

). Hopefully that will lead her to return the favor. If not, then talk to her.

I agree with the other posters that it should not be a count, but it should also be balanced. Without that balance you'll both end up dissatisfied in the end.

bubonico · 05-31-2005, 08:09 PM

thanks zegel sounds like you've got a good take on it. I definitely agree that it shouldn't be a count thing I just brought that up because that's how it seemed we were both looking at it. Believe me I didn't like it. We have talked about it a lot and I think we've actually got it pretty well resolved I just wanted some more view points. Zegel telling me I'm being selfish while at the same time not being a prick is basically what I was lookin for.

mandy · 06-01-2005, 01:02 AM

hey there.now what im about to say here may be really strange but before my current bf i did not have a guy "go down on me" and i wasnt keen on the thought of someone doing that to me:-) i know crazy hey? but i was always bent on giving him a blowjob even before he knew it.i didnt tell him though:-) but even if he never did go down on me it would have felt perfectly fine with me just giving him blowjobs all the time because it didnt really matter to me.but at the same time he was also bent on giving me ultimate pleasure by doing that and now i cant imagine having sex without it.

in the begining for me and now still its not about the "tit for tat" thing its all about one keeping the other happy.you guys should talk about it and you should tell her how you feel about this.

you not being selfish i dont think so and like the others said its not about the count or about "i did" so now "you must do".its about you guys understanding eachother and telling the other person what you want from them.

drewpy · 06-01-2005, 09:03 AM

dude - look at the positives - you are having good sex regularly, your girl "enjoys the shit out of sex" - life is good. Just try to eliminate the "box scores" - sex isnt that statistical ...

alpo · 06-01-2005, 09:37 AM

I think you should be keeping a score card. There should be different values for an oral event at different times. For example, if you just got back from working out at the gym and you are all grody and your GF performs oral on you, that should count as 2.47 oral points. If either one of you is freshly post-shower and clean as a baby's bottom, that counts as 1 oral point. Oral sex while driving - that's 1.72 points. Keep a spreadsheet handy to keep track of the totals. The goal is to keep the points even.

Seriously, just talk to her. That usually works the best to resolve any bedroom differences.

SparklingDot · 06-01-2005, 11:04 PM

Everyone has good suggestions. From a woman's point of view, sex doesn't have to always end with an earth shattering orgasm 100% of the time. But think about how frustrated you would get if she was just a tease and rarely allowed you to have one. Sex can be a great emotional bond without climax, but if she regualrly doesn't have an orgasm at all, she's going to be frustrated because she doesnt' get that amazing release like you do. And if you're getting tired of going down on her without her returning the favor, tell her. Perhaps you could even forgo intercourse for the night and find other ways of satisfying each other. Keep it fun, if it turns into a chore you have more problems.

Try to understand that women work a lot differently than men do. Try to be patient with her. If you are supportive and loving, she'll be more willing to work on resolving the issue with creativity.

bubonico · 06-02-2005, 12:01 AM

Thanks for all the advice guys. WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT. Sorry I know some people say caps are rude but I feel like people didn't read my post and everybody just says talk about it. We communicate very well. If we didn't I doubt it would ever even come up. We've talked about it extensively and I think at this point she is very happy with where we are at, I am too. I was just wondering if it's normal in a relationship for a guy to be going down far more often than the girl. I'm also wondering if women think other methods of reaching orgasms are satisfactory (fingers vibrators and what not) I realize that all relationships are different and it doesn't really matter and it's not a count or one up thing I guess I'm just curious how it works for other people.

Lead543 · 06-02-2005, 08:39 AM

Her counting how many orgasms she's had is dumb. As far as sex and its relatives go, her focus should be pleasing you and your focus should be pleasing her, however it may be. If she's willing to expeiriment with different sex plays then I'd suggest trying that out. Orgasms are a physical and mental thing for women, trying out something new may help her along the way.

Martian · 06-02-2005, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bubonico

I was just wondering if it's normal in a relationship for a guy to be going down far more often than the girl. I'm also wondering if women think other methods of reaching orgasms are satisfactory (fingers vibrators and what not) I realize that all relationships are different and it doesn't really matter and it's not a count or one up thing I guess I'm just curious how it works for other people.

You answered your own question dude. There's no 'normal' when it comes to relationships and especially not sex. I'm pretty sure I go down on my girl more than she goes down on me, but we don't count and we tend to want to reciprocate, so it's hard to say for sure. That's this one. I have an ex who when we were together seemed like she just couldn't keep my dick out of her mouth and went down on me way more than I did on her. That was another relationship. Every one is different and if you're happy and she's happy then just chalk it up to being normal for you.

And, well, I'm not a girl, but to quote Sue Johannsen "an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm." I don't think it's as important how you get her off, as long as you do. You can try rubbing her clit during actual intercourse (easier in some positions than others) and if you don't mind toys that's definitely another option.

I'm not going to tell you to discuss the problem with her because you've said that you already have, but try to cut us some slack too. I'd make the uneducated guess that about 90% of sexul problems (and certainly that number out of the ones posted here) can be solved by frank and open communication, which is where far too many couples are lacking. So if it seems like people here jump to that, it's because that's what solves the problem.

So there you have it. I hope this is helpful to you and I'll leave you with a final note. I've said this one before and expect to say it again but it's important and it took me a long time to learn, so I try to point it out where I can. If you're counting orgasms you're kind of missing the point. Using myself as an example again, I know that my girl doesn't orgasm every time we have sex and she is one of the rare few who seems to be able to get off on a stray breeze. Hell, I don't even orgasm every time we have sex. I don't think that's important, really. The sex itself is great; it feels good and it brings us closer together. The orgasm is just a nice bonus at the end. It's not the destination, it's the journey that matters.

05-31-2005, 01:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
bubonico Upright Location: Iraq :(	oral sex I was kinda wondering how you all feel about this. My girl is unable to reach orgasm through penetration alone. However she tends to think that she should climax most of the time that we have sex. I don't really think it's fair that I should have to go down on her every time either before or after we have sex. I certainly don't mind going down on her in fact I love it, but when I'm doing it all the time and she rarely goes down on me I begin to feel used. I kinda feel like oral sex is oral sex and we should both be doing it about as often as the other does. I can't really help it that an orgasm for me is a byproduct of us having sexual intercourse. Is this a selfish way for me to look at it? Sometimes I feel like I am being totally selfish and it is only right that she should reach orgasm as often as I do. But then other times I start to feel the other way. Another thing is I sometimes feel like maybe she should help herself along a little bit more often. If she wants to have an orgasm she ought to stick her fingers down there during intercourse and get it going. When she does do this she can usually get herself off in like 30 seconds. It usally takes me close to 30 minutes to get her off with my tongue even with plenty of guidance. I hate to put it into these sorts of terms but it seems like she views our sexual encounters as a sort of orgasm count. While I was home she said to me I've only had 7 orgasms since you've been here. I didn't say it but I was thinking "what the fuck I've only been here less than 2 weeks". Granted we were having sex about 2 times a day on average. I was also thinking "you've only gone down on me twice". So I guess I view oral sex as an extra thing that we should both get and she thinks we should both have an equivalent number of orgasms. She said to me one time that she could be just as happy masturbating if she isn't reaching climax. I thought this was a totally unfair thing to say because I know she doesn't sit there and howl in extacy for an hour when she masturbates. I know damn well she enjoys the shit out of sex, she just can't really reach climax from it. She has since apologized about the masturbation comment. If other people could share with me how they feel about this I'd be quite grateful. Just FYI I think in general we have a pretty healthy relationship sexually and otherwise. Most of this stemmed from just one conversation that we had. We've talked about it since and I think we are both pretty well understood. I've told her that I don't need oral sex to be sexually satisfied, and if she does then I should be doing it as often as she desires. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm bending more than I should. Is she being selfish? Am I being selfish? Is there even a right answer here? I've kinda concluded that most couples probably work out different things to keep both partners happy and there is no real advice I can get on this. __________________ "People sleep peacably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf" -George Orwell

05-31-2005, 08:09 PM	#8 (permalink)
bubonico Upright Location: Iraq :(	thanks zegel sounds like you've got a good take on it. I definitely agree that it shouldn't be a count thing I just brought that up because that's how it seemed we were both looking at it. Believe me I didn't like it. We have talked about it a lot and I think we've actually got it pretty well resolved I just wanted some more view points. Zegel telling me I'm being selfish while at the same time not being a prick is basically what I was lookin for. __________________ "People sleep peacably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf" -George Orwell

06-01-2005, 09:03 AM	#10 (permalink)
drewpy Crazy Location: Chicago-ish	dude - look at the positives - you are having good sex regularly, your girl "enjoys the shit out of sex" - life is good. Just try to eliminate the "box scores" - sex isnt that statistical ... __________________ "Once made equal to a man, woman becomes his superior." Socrates

06-01-2005, 11:04 PM	#12 (permalink)
SparklingDot Insane	Everyone has good suggestions. From a woman's point of view, sex doesn't have to always end with an earth shattering orgasm 100% of the time. But think about how frustrated you would get if she was just a tease and rarely allowed you to have one. Sex can be a great emotional bond without climax, but if she regualrly doesn't have an orgasm at all, she's going to be frustrated because she doesnt' get that amazing release like you do. And if you're getting tired of going down on her without her returning the favor, tell her. Perhaps you could even forgo intercourse for the night and find other ways of satisfying each other. Keep it fun, if it turns into a chore you have more problems. Try to understand that women work a lot differently than men do. Try to be patient with her. If you are supportive and loving, she'll be more willing to work on resolving the issue with creativity. __________________ 17 seconds is all you really need - Smashing Pumpkins

06-02-2005, 12:01 AM	#13 (permalink)
bubonico Upright Location: Iraq :(	Thanks for all the advice guys. WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT. Sorry I know some people say caps are rude but I feel like people didn't read my post and everybody just says talk about it. We communicate very well. If we didn't I doubt it would ever even come up. We've talked about it extensively and I think at this point she is very happy with where we are at, I am too. I was just wondering if it's normal in a relationship for a guy to be going down far more often than the girl. I'm also wondering if women think other methods of reaching orgasms are satisfactory (fingers vibrators and what not) I realize that all relationships are different and it doesn't really matter and it's not a count or one up thing I guess I'm just curious how it works for other people. __________________ "People sleep peacably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf" -George Orwell

05-31-2005, 02:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
h45e Tilted	Bite the bullet and buy a bullet and stick it down between her legs when u guys have sex.

05-31-2005, 03:10 AM	#3 (permalink)
d*d Addict	you just sound pissed because your not getting blowjobs, using an orgasm/oral count is going to be ultimately self defeating in the puruit of an enjoyable sex life. Try talking to her about it without using terms of one upmanship

05-31-2005, 03:12 AM	#4 (permalink)
ktspktsp Addict Location: Reykjavik, Iceland	Instead of thinking about this stuff on your own, you should tell her (in a non-confrontational tone). And then start a discussion from there. Also, if you could please use more paragraphs in the future, it'll make your post a bit easier to read. A whole block of text is kinda visually confusing. Thanks.

05-31-2005, 07:31 AM	#6 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Vibrating cock ring. It's a win-win situation.

05-31-2005, 07:40 AM	#7 (permalink)
Zegel Tilted	That sounds a lot like the situation I have with my wife, which was really hard to work when we first got together but was easily worked through with communication. You're both being selfish here, you a bit moreso than her. First of all, put yourself in her place. Imagine having lots and lots of intercourse and enjoying it immensely but never actually having an orgasm. Every time. Shounds shitty eh? That's what your girl gets to deal with. Second, sex is sex. Intercourse, oral, whatever you want to do; it's a means to an end, to have fun and hopefully have an orgasm in the end. If she cant get off from intercourse, then obviously oral is the next best choice, unless you want to go a vibrator (which can work just as well, but probably wont be a sensual for her). Although you might feel like you're being forced into having to give her oral every time, if you look at it from her point of view, you're controlling whether or not she gets to orgasm. There's a powerplay going on here and from either point of view it looks like the other is trying to be controlling. Try concentrating on giving more than receiving, it will show that you're not trying to control her (unless that's actually what she wants ). Hopefully that will lead her to return the favor. If not, then talk to her. I agree with the other posters that it should not be a count, but it should also be balanced. Without that balance you'll both end up dissatisfied in the end.

06-01-2005, 01:02 AM	#9 (permalink)
mandy Addict Location: Port Elizabeth, South Africa	hey there.now what im about to say here may be really strange but before my current bf i did not have a guy "go down on me" and i wasnt keen on the thought of someone doing that to me:-) i know crazy hey? but i was always bent on giving him a blowjob even before he knew it.i didnt tell him though:-) but even if he never did go down on me it would have felt perfectly fine with me just giving him blowjobs all the time because it didnt really matter to me.but at the same time he was also bent on giving me ultimate pleasure by doing that and now i cant imagine having sex without it. in the begining for me and now still its not about the "tit for tat" thing its all about one keeping the other happy.you guys should talk about it and you should tell her how you feel about this. you not being selfish i dont think so and like the others said its not about the count or about "i did" so now "you must do".its about you guys understanding eachother and telling the other person what you want from them.

06-01-2005, 09:37 AM	#11 (permalink)
alpo Tilted Location: Two skips to the left	I think you should be keeping a score card. There should be different values for an oral event at different times. For example, if you just got back from working out at the gym and you are all grody and your GF performs oral on you, that should count as 2.47 oral points. If either one of you is freshly post-shower and clean as a baby's bottom, that counts as 1 oral point. Oral sex while driving - that's 1.72 points. Keep a spreadsheet handy to keep track of the totals. The goal is to keep the points even. Seriously, just talk to her. That usually works the best to resolve any bedroom differences.

06-02-2005, 08:39 AM	#14 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	Her counting how many orgasms she's had is dumb. As far as sex and its relatives go, her focus should be pleasing you and your focus should be pleasing her, however it may be. If she's willing to expeiriment with different sex plays then I'd suggest trying that out. Orgasms are a physical and mental thing for women, trying out something new may help her along the way.