dalnet22

This girl who lives near me back home, and who I've never heard of, contacted me online. I asked her out, and she was excited about it. The next night we went out, and I slept w/ her, but all we did is make out. The next week I referred to her as my girlfriend, and she became scared. She told me she was scared of getting into a relationship, and she doesn't know what to do cause she likes me a lot and she's struggling to decide what to do. We decided to say we're dating, and since then we do the typical dating stuff.

Anyways, my problem is that I really like her, and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of putting a lot into this if she's too scared to get into a relationship. What do you guys think I should do? I'm telling myself to just be patient and go with the flow, don't get too wrapped up in her. Do you guys agree, and if not, what do you suggest I do?

Sweetpea

Just take it easy then . . . and give her some space, but still see her.

Let her know that you do have feelings for her, but you're not trying to rush anything.

Be honest with her, but relaxed.

you've made a good observation about the situation . . . just let it come and go with the flow.



Sweetpea

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Glory's Sun

you've got to be patient with it. If you force something then it will end tragically and be bad on both of you. She'll get ready when she's ready.

maleficent

Using the term girlfriend after basically one date is a little soon (at least for me) You aren't looking to get married or have a lifelong committment at this point in your life are you? You seem to be giving yourself the best possible advice... be patient and see where it takes you

It honestly sounds like that this started as either a dare, or what she thought was a simple online flirtation... maybe she didn't really expect anything to come of it.. and she's kinda waiting to see how she feels...

Once she sees that you are for real, her fears might just evaporate.. .what's her past dating history been like?

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Coppertop

A little soon? I'd say it is waaaaay too soon. But that's just me.

Take it slow or you'll scare her off. You just met the girl - don't try to pressure her into something she's not ready for.

maleficent

Sometimes I really show my age, I tend to avoid that term until at minimum the 3 month mark, but usually closer to the 6 month mark when there's exclusivity...

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Janey

then again, sleeping together after one date is a little soon too. At least for me. Which is more intimate part of the relationship? the girlfriend title or sleeping together. I thought it would be the other way around.

maleficent

they didn't have sex... just unless making out has a different definition...

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Janey

well... if i spent the night of my first date in my guys room, waking up there, sex or not, that would certainly constitute a level of intimacy that goes far beyond a girfriend label. Just my opinion. (the sex or lack of it had nothing to do with it)

dalnet22

She's had a very bad history with boyfriends, and that's why she's scared. I didn't intentionally call her my girlfriend, it just came out at one point. I see what you guys are saying though. I'll try to not push too hard.

lindseylatch

I actually slept with my boyfriend the first night we really started dating (we had met a couple times before that at parties). I would say it was pretty intimate. Which scared the shit out of me, so I did what dalnet is describing. But then I got over it, and we've been together 1 year and 5 months.

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777

Most people wait 3 months or 10 dates before deciding if it's going to be serious. Just relax and see how things go. Hell, each of you can see other people and have some fun before making up your minds.

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doncalypso

What the hell were you thinking about, son? While you two may have had a few intimate moments it was way too early to refer to her as your "girlfriend."

You should've waited at least a month or two before moving to that step. No wonder she freaked out.

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Martian

I agree. That you didn't scare her off completely with that is what I'd think of as a really good sign. Take your time on this one, let her get to know you first and figure out what she wants. Signs point to that being you, eventually.

dalnet22

Alright thanks guys. In the past whenever I met a girl we considered eachother boyfriend girlfriend within the first few weeks, so I guess I jumped the gun on this one. She was the one apologizing to me though, so it's not like I pissed her off or was actually scaring her away.

Sweetpea

every gal is different anyway . . .

it's refreshing to see a guy who's so eager to be in a relationship, you are a rare breed

Sweetpea

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Acetylene

Don't feel so bad, there are different cultures about this sort of thing. I am a very slow person in a relationship, by nature, but Kel was raised jewish and apparently that means you get engaged after a month and married after three. He called me his girlfriend after two dates, and yeah, it was a little weird, but I understood he was not being mean or anything so I didn't freak out about it. My jewish roommate has been engaged three times, twice within a month of meeting someone.

I'm not saing you're Jewish, I'm just saying different people have different speeds at which they like to move.

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Vincentt

I dunno, what are you suposed to call her?
Hello, this is Amy, the girl I am currently screwing.

I guess you can just say 'friend'. But...whatever.

If she says 'I'm scared of relationship' what she means is I've still got some other people i'm looking into, if they fall through... then we shall see.

If she isn't in a relationship with you, then anything she does with you, she does with all the other people she 'isn't in a relationship' with. Now I doubt that is the case here... but you should ask about these kind of things.

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cellophanedeity

I think Vincentt may be a little harsh here...

Two friends of mine are in a similar situation as yours, dalnet. Andrew wants to call Maddie his girlfriend, she's not into it. I can't defend her reasoning, as I don't know it, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't like him back in the same way.

Even if she does think of herself as "yours" after your one night, it sounds like "girlfriend" is a loaded term for her. Let her relax into it and keep things mellow. If you're introducing her to someone, refer to her by her name, not by her association to you. It's the nice thing to do with women anyway!

Best of luck dalnet!

dalnet22

Thanks. She made it quite clear that she doesn't have any other options, and she was having a very hard time because she wanted to start the relationship, but something was conflicting with her. I think patience is what it'll take here. Thanks again.

MoJoPokeyBlue

When's the wedding and are you going to invite all of us?

MoJo

dalnet22

If we get married, I'll post invitations here.

Acetylene

Flat-out lie, or just ignorance? Find out next on the Discovery Channel, where we learn that not all women are deceitful bitches!

"I'm not ready for a relationship" means exactly that. Believe it or not, some women have better things to do than search for a mate. Sometimes we like to, you know, be independent and maybe have free time on friday nights instead of dealing with people who think EVERYTHING WE SAY IS DESIGNED TO DECEIVE.

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hrandani

As the son of a deceitful bitch who met a wonderful girl who proved everything I had sworn was right wrong, I got a laugh out of that.

TroutKind

Definately take it slow, as hard as it might be. It will pay off in the long run.

Savage

My question is: How old are you and how old is she?

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Vincentt

*ahem*

I never said "women are deceitful bitches"

If a guy were to say "I don't want a relationship" it would mean the same thing.

Sorry to have struck a nerve there.

All I said was check it out, I guess you could follow everyone elses advice and assume she is the perfect girl who would never lie or hide anything.

Getting all freaked out about a relationship is strange behavior, I think it is worth asking about.

"I don't want relationship" is a good way for bringing someone down easy.

And when you say things like "If we get married, I'll post invitations here." well that kinda makes me feel like you are thinking a bit to far ahead there... that might be what is creeping her out.

If I heard those words from a girl I was dating, I would feel kinda odd.

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Janey

no offense taken, and to just ameliorate the previous posted sentiments, what you described is exactly what I experienced. A guy I was dating told me that he didn't want to start a relationship yet (after 4 dates, the last couple where I let my guard down a fair bit) and I found out that he was assessing another girl at the same time.

So it was a rather successful strategy that he employed , which I fell for. Now I view those statments as self serving at the very least.

dalnet22

Vincentt, my marriage comment was in response to MoJoPokeyBlue's comment.

We are 19. I spent time with her last night, and I know everything will be alright. I've been used to having girls jump into relationships with me within weeks of meeting, so that's partly why I was moving so fast. I'm going to listen to what you guys have said, and I'll let you know how things turn out.

Vincentt

Ah, I see I missed that comment :P

But yes, 'when we get married'ish statements are a no-no for anytime.

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dalnet22

It was only a joke, but I understand.