Czernobog

Okay so I could've done a better job on the title, but I'm not really up to thinking of a terribly clever one right now. On to the actuall problem:

A few years ago, I met this absolutely wonderfull woman. We clicked instantly and started dating not long after. We had a great relationship for about 9 months, the best one I'd ever had.

Then it all went to shit. And no matter how much she denies it, I can't help but think it's my fault. Basically I had been really busy for a while, and told her that I needed time to think things over. Mistake number one. I lied, a BIG no-no. Unfotunately, she took that to mean "I want to end our relationship", and took the initiative. She dumped not only me, but judging by the e-mail, (yes, e-mail) she dumped half her friends as well. One of the things she'd said made it sound as though she had been cheating on me during the last part. So we broke up, on very VERY bad terms.

Fast foreward 2 years. She calls me up. Normally I would just hang up, but I decided not to. I realized that I really didn't hate her anymore. Not that I ever did, I realize now, but that's besides the point. So we get to talking, and she asks is she can come over. I say fine, what could it hurt. To make a long story short(er), we become close friends over the next year. We start sleeping together off and on, since we are still attracted to each other and we figure that it couldn't hurt, we're both mature enough for it not to have a negative effect on us. That wasn't the problem. After a while we both realized that we still loved one another, though we weren't quite ready for another relationship. Okay, makes sense, right?

Now for the kicker. I realized, after much thought, that I still love her as much as I ever did, if not more. We complement each other in ways I never realized even back when we were dating. JUST as I realize all this, of course: She meets someone. Not a big thing at first, because she'd been telling me that she wasn't looking for a relationship, she just wanted to be friends with him. Ha fucking ha. I honestly believe that she wasn't looking for one, at first.

Then they slept together. Why, I still don't know. I probably never will. But after that, they started dating...of course. I tried REALLY hard to put my feelings on the back burner, to just be happy for her and be the best friend to her I could. Not the best idea I've had yet.

A few weeks ago I wound up in a mental asylum. Not one of the evil, electroshock therapy-happy ones, but still a place for the crazy people. This was from a combination of multiple things, but a big one was that I keep all my feelings bottled up with no release. And when they got out, it was a shitstorm that I do NOT want to live through again. I spent about a week in there, and then was allowed to leave just so long as I agreed to outpatient therapy. Fine and dandy by me.

So one of the things I did to help myself was to tell her how I felt. The thing is, she already knew. I think she knew before I did. And she feels the same way about me....but she also loves the guy she's dating. I can't blame her, really. From everything she says, he's a good guy, and actually treats her right. So now I have no idea what to do, or if there even IS anything to do. She's told me that she realizes she needs to make a desicion, but she can't right now due to a host of other things breathing down her neck. So I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, with both of us acknowledging these feelings but not able to do anything about it.

I guess my worst fear is that she'll make her desicion, and I won't be in it. I've had to deal with enough pain already. Of course, I think that she's probably going to stay with him. I don't see any reason she wouldn't, really. But that could be my low self-esteem kicking in again. (don't I have such lovely mental problems?) She says that our friendship isn't the same as what it was, and she wanted to know why. I said that it couldn't be, simply by virtue of the situation. I can't be as close to her now as I could then, it'd drive me nuts. I need to put some emotional distance between us, but I don't even know how. We've always been 100% honest with each other since we started talking again, so she knows how I feel about all this. I guess the fact that she feels there IS a choice to be made should help a bit.

I'm not sure if there is any advice for this situation, but I thought I'd post this, if for no other reason than to get it off my chest. Maybe one of you fine people will have a miracle answer for me....right.

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Embrace the flame

astrahl

Control your own destiny.

Don't allow somebody to make decisions about your life. If her decision isn't immediately "you," she isn't deserving of you. Make the decision for her and take yourself out of the equation.

Treat yourself to a special toy you've wanted for awhile: Xbox, GPS, Mtn. bike ...whatever; take care of yourself for awhile. She may come to you since you removed yourself from her, but she may be the type to want what she can't have. Once she has you again, you lose your allure & she starts her "friendships" again.

Once again, I think it is very important to choose your own destiny here. I hope that helps, best of luck.

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Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
~a-Ha

Gonth

I'd have to agree with astrahl here. If she says she loves both you and her current boyfreind, she's got to decide, and if she's dragging it out, its not worth the pain.
More than likely she doesn't want to hurt you or the boyfreind by deciding.
If you take yourself out of the equation it's going to be alot easier on you.
and defininty treat youself to something, thats a perfect way to stop youself from focusing on her.

Skelington

i knew some people that went through this same type of thing. in the end, everybody got hurt, so i agree with astrahl on this one. take yourself out of the picture now. i know that you love her. but you are just going to get hurt. tell her how you feel and that if she isn't sure if she wants you or the other guy, tell her that she should just take the other guy because you don't need to be waiting for the decision.

the best of luck to you. and i hope things turn out alright.

dirtyrascal7

i'm usually against telling people to just run away... but i honestly think you should just move on without this girl. you need to find stability within yourself before you're ready to bring another person into your life. otherwise you become completely dependent on them and they become the center of your world... which does not equal a healthy relationship, let alone a healthy lifestyle.

it will hurt and it will take time, but it's time to reflect on your past, learn from your mistakes, and then move on. things will get better, but you need to free yourself first.

RelaX

This thread makes me think about that quote:

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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

Anomaly_

I don't mean this is as a slight, but that saying is just complete BS courtesy of Richard Bach. If you love someone, you don't let them go. Their leaving in the first place is not that one person is "allowing" the other to leave, it is that the person leaving no longer wants the relationship. As it applies to you, Czernobog, this would mean you might want to think about cutting your losses and begin to move on. It's harsh but it's better than living in a fantasy world.