Line between friends - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Zeraph · 11-27-2004, 11:38 AM

I'm not terribly experienced with many women and often become friends with them. Where do you personally draw that line that says we're friends and there is no longer a chance of sex? Is it just a feeling? Or some more mundane criteria?

DelayedReaction · 11-27-2004, 12:10 PM

Usually it's just a feeling. Most of the time one of the people decides it, and the other has to deal with it. It's called a platonic friendship.

You learn to get used to it happening. When it does, just move on.

Coppertop · 11-27-2004, 12:23 PM

This page has some interesting insights into the whole deal. Where the line is drawn varies from person to person I would imagine.

slimshaydee · 11-28-2004, 03:35 AM

Girls and guys have different views on who should become friendship material or bang material. For guys basically if you find them attractive you want to bang them and if not friends. The link to the ladder theory that is posted above explains a little about why girls choose to be friends or not but its not really a great theory. I don't even think females fully know why they choose to be just friends...the female mind is rooted I tell you.

LiquidSquid · 11-28-2004, 08:39 PM

I'd just like to second slimshaydee in saying that you should probably take "Ladder Theory" with a (large) grain of salt. There are lots of people who would tell you it's the be-all end-all of explanations, but the truth is that life's a lot more complicated. You really just have to go on a case by case basis, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps the whole ordeal interesting.

doncalypso · 11-28-2004, 09:18 PM

I'd say that more often than not it's impossible to have a woman view you as relationship/sex-buddy material if she already considers you a good friend unless one day she's really horny, has sex with you, and ends up deciding that you're not a bad idea for a fuck-buddy after all.

bad jane · 12-01-2004, 02:41 AM

interesting theory...but as a woman, gotta say it doesn't all ring true. ladder placement is a bit off.

personally, i tend to do the friends thing first. i've been with one guy i wasn't friends with first (we jumped right into dating when we met) and not only are we not together--it was a horrible ending. i have/had friends i wouldn't sleep with--for a variety of reasons. some have been interested, some haven't ever mentioned it. as to what puts him on the "ain't gonna happen ever" list...

1) he's slept with or dated (not just once, but enough times to establish some sort of relationship) a member of my family or someone close enough to me that i consider them family (really close friend). doesn't matter how much time has passed--never gonna happen.

2) he's slept with someone i consider dirty. some girls are nasty enough that i would never ever ever follow them. had a wonderful friend in college that dated a total skank. i was thrilled when he dumped her (finally) but no way could i have slept with him after knowing he'd been with...that. had i not known about her, he wouldn't have made my friends-who-have-zero-chance-of-ever-getting-benefits-even-if-we-are-the-last-two-people-on-earth-and-my-vibrator-is-broken list.

3) he's gay or i think he might be. some girls like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side--i'm not one of them. not to say he can't be sensitive, gentle, blah blah blah. just because he's a cuddler and enjoys a chick flick now and again doesn't mean i won't sleep with him. but if he cries more than i do, good bet i'm not gonna fuck him.

4) i know he'd break my heart. these are the guys with oodles of potential that i know things wouldn't work out with but i couldn't keep the relationship and sex seperate. truely a case of "it's not you, it's me." we couldn't just be fuck buddies because i know i'd eventually want more and he wouldn't/couldn't provide it or the relationship is doomed for some other reason (religious differences or something).

5) he makes a move on me while i'm involved with someone else but vulnerable. for example, my bf and i get in a fight and my friend offers to come over and talk. he gets me drunk and then tries getting in my pants. or my bf is out of town for an extended amount of time and he tries something similar. under whatever conditions, he uses the friendship to try and get me in bed even though he knows i'm not available. (if i were single, the same standard doesn't apply).

other than that...all my friends have some chance of sex under the right circumstances. i guess it is just a matter of cultivating those circumstances.

K-Wise · 12-01-2004, 03:26 AM

"A woman knows if she's gonna fuck you from the minute she sees you. She sittin there shakin yer hand thinkin I'ma fuck him!" - Chris Rock

Asta!!

vox_rox · 12-01-2004, 08:21 AM

Yup, it's a matter of her perception and his perception. Even if you think you might want to be more than ffriends, if the other person has already made the decision to be your "friend", that's what you will be, propably always.

when I was younger I had only female friends, and I could never get an answer from any of them about why they were just friends. Years later, I was dating several women at the same time, all of whom were more interested in me as a boyfriend, and as far as I could see, I was the same guy.

Who knows where these feelings come from, we are human and, as such, are not easily deconstructed like a software program to see where the "bugs" are.

Just be glad you have friends becasue it's much easier to have lots of firends than it is to have even one enemy.

Peace,

Pierre

snowy · 12-01-2004, 09:51 AM

I've learned an important lesson from dating in college...be friends first. All of the relationships I've had where I've been friends with the person before dating have survived. The relationships where we just jumped into dating have not survived or we never made it to friends, which is unfortunate.

One odd circumstance I've faced was a guy I dated, then when he decided to date someone else and have a LTR with her we didn't talk for nearly six months. But then we started chatting again and I was his shoulder to cry on when the other girl broke up with him. Now we're good friends and occasionally more--he falls into the category of friend I would have sex with. Though I adore him, I don't think of him romantically as he and I do not get along well enough to make that work.

So if I meet you you're going to be sorted into several categories over time...it's a bit like a Plinko board (if you're familiar with the Price Is Right)...you have a chance to shift categories over time or shift back. If you drop straight to the bottom of one you're basically stuck. So we could say I divide men into two categories at first: dynamic and static. The dynamic category includes guys I've just met, guys I'm friends with but attracted to, and acquaintances. If you're in the dynamic category, there's something I find attractive about you. The static category includes guys whose girlfriends are my friends, who have dated friends, guys I'm frankly not attracted to, or guys who are skanky hos. From there there are other divisions...and more divisions...it is a very complicated piece of reasoning, but Chris Rock is right about one thing. When I meet a guy, I automatically think a) I'd do him or b) I so totally wouldn't do him, even if he paid me lots and lots of money.

Needless to say I've even confused myself thinking about this issue.

Zeraph · 12-01-2004, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onesnowyowl

but Chris Rock is right about one thing. When I meet a guy, I automatically think a) I'd do him or ...

Do you make any outward signs when you pick a? Is that that small quick smile I get from some gals?

snowy · 12-01-2004, 06:22 PM

If a girl has decided she will have sex with you, she will be comfortable with touching you almost immediately after she has met you. There is your clue.

K-Wise · 12-01-2004, 11:53 PM

^ Shit I get that all the time! I'm such a jackass.

Asta!!

DewMan · 12-02-2004, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coppertop

This page has some interesting insights into the whole deal. Where the line is drawn varies from person to person I would imagine.

Interesting read. Pretty funny too.

It reminds me of an interesting quote that I can't remember made it:

Women can sleep with any man they want. Men can only sleep with any woman who will let them.

11-27-2004, 11:38 AM	#1 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Line between friends I'm not terribly experienced with many women and often become friends with them. Where do you personally draw that line that says we're friends and there is no longer a chance of sex? Is it just a feeling? Or some more mundane criteria?

11-27-2004, 12:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
DelayedReaction BFG Builder Location: University of Maryland	Usually it's just a feeling. Most of the time one of the people decides it, and the other has to deal with it. It's called a platonic friendship. You learn to get used to it happening. When it does, just move on. __________________ If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm.

11-28-2004, 08:39 PM	#5 (permalink)
LiquidSquid Upright Location: Ottawa (frozen hellscape)	I'd just like to second slimshaydee in saying that you should probably take "Ladder Theory" with a (large) grain of salt. There are lots of people who would tell you it's the be-all end-all of explanations, but the truth is that life's a lot more complicated. You really just have to go on a case by case basis, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps the whole ordeal interesting. __________________ "There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking." - Benjamin Franklin

11-28-2004, 09:18 PM	#6 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	I'd say that more often than not it's impossible to have a woman view you as relationship/sex-buddy material if she already considers you a good friend unless one day she's really horny, has sex with you, and ends up deciding that you're not a bad idea for a fuck-buddy after all. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

12-01-2004, 03:26 AM	#8 (permalink)
K-Wise It's All About The Ass!! Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!	"A woman knows if she's gonna fuck you from the minute she sees you. She sittin there shakin yer hand thinkin I'ma fuck him!" - Chris Rock Asta!! __________________ "I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project *It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys!* - Asta!!

11-27-2004, 12:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
Coppertop Getting Medieval on your ass Location: 13th century Europe	This page has some interesting insights into the whole deal. Where the line is drawn varies from person to person I would imagine.

11-28-2004, 03:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
slimshaydee If you've read this, PM me and say so Location: Sitting on my ass, and you?	Girls and guys have different views on who should become friendship material or bang material. For guys basically if you find them attractive you want to bang them and if not friends. The link to the ladder theory that is posted above explains a little about why girls choose to be friends or not but its not really a great theory. I don't even think females fully know why they choose to be just friends...the female mind is rooted I tell you.

12-01-2004, 02:41 AM	#7 (permalink)
bad jane Insane	interesting theory...but as a woman, gotta say it doesn't all ring true. ladder placement is a bit off. personally, i tend to do the friends thing first. i've been with one guy i wasn't friends with first (we jumped right into dating when we met) and not only are we not together--it was a horrible ending. i have/had friends i wouldn't sleep with--for a variety of reasons. some have been interested, some haven't ever mentioned it. as to what puts him on the "ain't gonna happen ever" list... 1) he's slept with or dated (not just once, but enough times to establish some sort of relationship) a member of my family or someone close enough to me that i consider them family (really close friend). doesn't matter how much time has passed--never gonna happen. 2) he's slept with someone i consider dirty. some girls are nasty enough that i would never ever ever follow them. had a wonderful friend in college that dated a total skank. i was thrilled when he dumped her (finally) but no way could i have slept with him after knowing he'd been with...that. had i not known about her, he wouldn't have made my friends-who-have-zero-chance-of-ever-getting-benefits-even-if-we-are-the-last-two-people-on-earth-and-my-vibrator-is-broken list. 3) he's gay or i think he might be. some girls like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side--i'm not one of them. not to say he can't be sensitive, gentle, blah blah blah. just because he's a cuddler and enjoys a chick flick now and again doesn't mean i won't sleep with him. but if he cries more than i do, good bet i'm not gonna fuck him. 4) i know he'd break my heart. these are the guys with oodles of potential that i know things wouldn't work out with but i couldn't keep the relationship and sex seperate. truely a case of "it's not you, it's me." we couldn't just be fuck buddies because i know i'd eventually want more and he wouldn't/couldn't provide it or the relationship is doomed for some other reason (religious differences or something). 5) he makes a move on me while i'm involved with someone else but vulnerable. for example, my bf and i get in a fight and my friend offers to come over and talk. he gets me drunk and then tries getting in my pants. or my bf is out of town for an extended amount of time and he tries something similar. under whatever conditions, he uses the friendship to try and get me in bed even though he knows i'm not available. (if i were single, the same standard doesn't apply). other than that...all my friends have some chance of sex under the right circumstances. i guess it is just a matter of cultivating those circumstances.

12-01-2004, 08:21 AM	#9 (permalink)
vox_rox Psycho Location: Comfy Little Bungalow	Yup, it's a matter of her perception and his perception. Even if you think you might want to be more than ffriends, if the other person has already made the decision to be your "friend", that's what you will be, propably always. when I was younger I had only female friends, and I could never get an answer from any of them about why they were just friends. Years later, I was dating several women at the same time, all of whom were more interested in me as a boyfriend, and as far as I could see, I was the same guy. Who knows where these feelings come from, we are human and, as such, are not easily deconstructed like a software program to see where the "bugs" are. Just be glad you have friends becasue it's much easier to have lots of firends than it is to have even one enemy. Peace, Pierre

12-01-2004, 09:51 AM	#10 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	I've learned an important lesson from dating in college...be friends first. All of the relationships I've had where I've been friends with the person before dating have survived. The relationships where we just jumped into dating have not survived or we never made it to friends, which is unfortunate. One odd circumstance I've faced was a guy I dated, then when he decided to date someone else and have a LTR with her we didn't talk for nearly six months. But then we started chatting again and I was his shoulder to cry on when the other girl broke up with him. Now we're good friends and occasionally more--he falls into the category of friend I would have sex with. Though I adore him, I don't think of him romantically as he and I do not get along well enough to make that work. So if I meet you you're going to be sorted into several categories over time...it's a bit like a Plinko board (if you're familiar with the Price Is Right)...you have a chance to shift categories over time or shift back. If you drop straight to the bottom of one you're basically stuck. So we could say I divide men into two categories at first: dynamic and static. The dynamic category includes guys I've just met, guys I'm friends with but attracted to, and acquaintances. If you're in the dynamic category, there's something I find attractive about you. The static category includes guys whose girlfriends are my friends, who have dated friends, guys I'm frankly not attracted to, or guys who are skanky hos. From there there are other divisions...and more divisions...it is a very complicated piece of reasoning, but Chris Rock is right about one thing. When I meet a guy, I automatically think a) I'd do him or b) I so totally wouldn't do him, even if he paid me lots and lots of money. Needless to say I've even confused myself thinking about this issue. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

12-01-2004, 06:22 PM	#12 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	If a girl has decided she will have sex with you, she will be comfortable with touching you almost immediately after she has met you. There is your clue. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

12-01-2004, 11:53 PM	#13 (permalink)
K-Wise It's All About The Ass!! Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!	^ Shit I get that all the time! I'm such a jackass. Asta!! __________________ "I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project *It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys!* - Asta!!