have you been in an abusive relationship? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

legolas · 09-16-2004, 07:41 AM

inspired by another topic, but I'm just curious to see the ratio here.
I for one have not.

ShaniFaye · 09-16-2004, 07:44 AM

heh I'd like to see a guy abuse me and live to tell about it

the_marq · 09-16-2004, 07:57 AM

Physical abuse or mental abuse?

Averett · 09-16-2004, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

heh I'd like to see a guy abuse me and live to tell about it

Yeah no shit. First, I wouldn't take it. The first time any guy lays a hand on me would be the last. God help him once my friends and family find out.

And mental/verbal abuse? I don't think so buddy.

09-16-2004, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

heh I'd like to see a guy abuse me and live to tell about it

I love you TFP girls. Make me feel all squishy inside.

I agree 100% with Shani and Averett

fhqwhgads · 09-16-2004, 08:44 AM

We have a little saying at work: When you have to call the police into your relationship, it's over.

Unfortunately I've been to the same houses over and over again...

lurkette · 09-16-2004, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Averett

Yeah no shit. First, I wouldn't take it. The first time any guy lays a hand on me would be the last. God help him once my friends and family find out.

And mental/verbal abuse? I don't think so buddy.

A-fucking-men. There's no excuse for abuse, and there's no excuse for putting up with it.

absorbentishe · 09-16-2004, 09:50 AM

Not that I would ever hit a woman, if she belted me, there's a good chance. I would certainly hope I would never be involved with a woman that liked to hit. My wife likes to smack me(when I'm stupid or what not) and this annoys me, but she'd never try to hurt me physically.

chiss · 09-16-2004, 08:04 PM

abusive relationships, whether its from the female, or the male, or mental or physical, it shouldn't be tolerated. Ever.

Bryndian_Dhai · 09-16-2004, 09:24 PM

that myself, that I was too strong, and I'd never let anyone abuse me. And if it had started with obvious, blatant abuse, I'd probably have been able to stick with it. But when it starts subtly, with scathing looks when you say something he/she disagrees with, a finger in your chest when you're fighting.... and it escalates slowly, sometimes you find yourself taking shit you'd NEVER take right out from the start. And by the time it IS abuse, there are emotions involved, common property, possibly children.... maybe you have stopped working, and he's alienated you from your friends and family, and even though you're suffering abuse, it's not ALL the time, and when it's good, it's really, really good.... And the alternative is to leave and start over, in the unknown, and sometimes that's more frightening than living with his abuse.

And if you're like me, who lives an alternative lifestyle, sometimes it's hard to explain that some of it IS abuse and some of it ISN'T... There are always reasons why women.... and men, for that matter... who find themselves in an abusive relationship don't leave. Now that I am OUT of the abusive relationships, I know what to look for and I'm wary and cautious. I feel fortunate to have found a man who is kind and considerate, and most definitely NOT abusive. *grins*

Bryn

The Phenomenon · 09-16-2004, 10:49 PM

I'm a guy and no I have never been in an abusive relationship.

Nancy · 09-17-2004, 04:53 AM

I'm a girl and I've never been in an abusive relationship either. Phew.

omega2K4 · 09-17-2004, 09:32 PM

I haven't been in any abusive relationships. Does having several crazy girlfriends count?

maleficent · 09-18-2004, 05:02 AM

Until you've been in the situation, you cannot say what you would do... It's really easy to say that no one woudl ever do that to you -- but reality is a different story.

I got hit once, and walked away, it took more to convince my best friend and his brother that he wasn't worth the trouble they'd end up in for beating the snot out of him, then it was to walk away from the relationship..

Emotional abuse is much more difficult, and much more subtle

It starts differently and it's not quite obvious. It's the little things that are used, the bills you haven't paid yet that you are reminded of, (you're really bad with money aren't you, you're really irresponsible aren't you, I'd never do that -- are these statements true? ) Cancelling plans because I had to work late (you let your job walk all over you, I'd tell my boss that I couldn't) then it increases to are you sure you want to wear that? WHAT did you do to your hair? A lot of little things, that you don't notice at the time, and slowly your self esteem gets eroded -- and you honestly believe that you don't do anything right and you will never be good enough...

Self esteem comes from inside, it absolutely doesn't come from outside sources, however, when outside sources do their best to erode that self esteem, it makes it much more difficult to find the value in yourself. Do you talk to your friends about this? Perhaps, but maybe you're worried that your friends will either agree with him or chide you that why don't you just tell him to screw off.

I always said that I was too strong, too tough, too much of a hardass to ever tolerate any kind of abuse... But in hindsight, after a two year relationship, more than 2 years ago, emotional abuse was exactly what I went thru, and I know what I still am going thru, even though the relationship has ended.

radioguy · 09-18-2004, 07:56 AM

Luckily, I have not been the abuser or the abusee. I don't plan to ever be either.

maleficent · 09-18-2004, 08:38 AM

I don't think any abuser intends to become one. Especially with emotional abuse, there's a very fine line between teasing and hurting someone, you'd expect the person being teased to say knock it off, and sometimes they do, but it gets ignored... and the teasing continues... (and that gets ito the whole blame the victim mentality)

All people are different, all people come into a relationship with different baggage, even if they claim there is none, just because a person could tell your last significant other something, doesn't mean that it's ok to tell the next significant other the same thing...

tropple · 09-18-2004, 08:59 AM

I haven't been physically abused in a relationship. I've had my ass kicked before in a serious way and it doesn't compare to mental abuse is rougher.

I'd rather be in combat than have a relationship with an emotional abuser.

SiN · 09-18-2004, 04:20 PM

No.

I've been in relationships with 'dysfunctional' moments...but nothing that I would honestly label 'abusive'. I say that partly because it's true, and partly because I'm not comfortable with 'victim'.

Anyways...regarding the poll, first thing that I thought of is tying it in with childhood 'abuse'. Or is that just obvious?

ismark1 · 09-19-2004, 02:59 PM

I have been in an abusive relationship where I took 13 years of bullying and mental abuse from my ex wife and her whole family. We had kids and I wasn't prepared to walk away, I did eventually at the age of 42 when I asked myself "If I died today, could I say that I had made the best use of the time that I had available to me", my answer to myself was "NO".

I am now in a very loving and happy relationship with 2 happy healthy kids and there is no abuse.

cali · 09-20-2004, 02:27 AM

I'm a girl and I was in a abusive relationship, a loooonnnggg time ago when I was 15, had a boyfriend who beat me with a 2 liter coke bottle and whipped me with his belt because I said "hey" to a male friend (just a bud), I left him that night and walked back to my house.
Next day he apologized and asked me " are we still together??" I told him to f.. off and then my mom's boyfriend had a nice(smirk) long talk with him, No charges were pressed by me or him (against my mom 's boyfriend) and I never saw him again.
do feel sorry for whoever is with him now.

ShaniFaye · 09-20-2004, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

Until you've been in the situation, you cannot say what you would do... It's really easy to say that no one woudl ever do that to you -- but reality is a different story.

I got hit once, and walked away, it took more to convince my best friend and his brother that he wasn't worth the trouble they'd end up in for beating the snot out of him, then it was to walk away from the relationship..

I was with a guy, who hit me once and knocked me down a flight of steps at a party for not going and getting him a beer...lots of shocked people..I picked myself up and my little 5'2 self went to town on his 6'5 drunk self and he got embarrassed and left the party and promptly drove his car into a tree...people shocked again cause he died.....hence my statement...I'd like to see the guy that hit me and lived to tell about it

Squishor · 09-20-2004, 09:30 PM

I've never been in an abusive relationship. Although some of my relationships have been dysfunctional in various ways, I won't stand for abuse. I know the situations get complex and hard to get out of, but I can't say I really understand it because I haven't been there.

I've never been hit (play-fighting and wrestling around don't count) and as far as mental abuse goes, well, if you want to say something mean or raise your voice to me you'd better have a damn good reason.

I did have a neighbor once who behaved abusively towards me and boy did he pay for it...

Prince · 09-21-2004, 05:36 AM

Pretty interesting results so far...

bookerV · 09-21-2004, 05:49 AM

I'm a guy and I have never had an abusive relationship. I would never ever emotionally or physically abuse someone I was with, and I expect the same. Any girls try any of that with me and they will be out the door in a heartbeat...

Dr Rico · 10-07-2004, 02:10 PM

I have been hooked up in one long-term and one rather short-term relationship with folks who suffered from psychotic episodes that erupted into violence against my body. And against my head. It was hard to separate the "disease behavior" from the "choice behavior" and I eventually pulled the plug on both relationships because there was no sign of effort to improve the disease states. Sadly.

Came to work withy stitches and suchlike, much to the general hilarity of the office staff. Liek when I was whacked by a cast iron skillet. That was nice (not). In retrospect, I'm suprised I stayed as long as I did, but I really loved these women and they were truly sick. But the same wide behavioral bandwidth that led to violence also made them exciting, fascinating, terrififc individuals. Nothing is easy in life...

View Poll Results: Have you been in an abusive relationship?
I'm a guy and yes	24	25.53%
I'm a guy and no	50	53.19%
I'm a girl and yes	10	10.64%
I'm a girl and no	10	10.64%
Voters: 94. You may not vote on this poll

09-16-2004, 07:41 AM	#1 (permalink)
legolas shit faced cockmaster Location: CT	have you been in an abusive relationship? inspired by another topic, but I'm just curious to see the ratio here. I for one have not. __________________ "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

09-16-2004, 07:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	heh I'd like to see a guy abuse me and live to tell about it __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

09-16-2004, 07:57 AM	#3 (permalink)
the_marq All hail the Mountain King Location: Black Mesa	Physical abuse or mental abuse? __________________ The Truth: Johnny Cash could have kicked Bruce Lee's ass if he wanted to. #3 in a series

09-16-2004, 09:24 PM	#10 (permalink)
Bryndian_Dhai Insane Location: Louisiana	I used to say.... that myself, that I was too strong, and I'd never let anyone abuse me. And if it had started with obvious, blatant abuse, I'd probably have been able to stick with it. But when it starts subtly, with scathing looks when you say something he/she disagrees with, a finger in your chest when you're fighting.... and it escalates slowly, sometimes you find yourself taking shit you'd NEVER take right out from the start. And by the time it IS abuse, there are emotions involved, common property, possibly children.... maybe you have stopped working, and he's alienated you from your friends and family, and even though you're suffering abuse, it's not ALL the time, and when it's good, it's really, really good.... And the alternative is to leave and start over, in the unknown, and sometimes that's more frightening than living with his abuse. And if you're like me, who lives an alternative lifestyle, sometimes it's hard to explain that some of it IS abuse and some of it ISN'T... There are always reasons why women.... and men, for that matter... who find themselves in an abusive relationship don't leave. Now that I am OUT of the abusive relationships, I know what to look for and I'm wary and cautious. I feel fortunate to have found a man who is kind and considerate, and most definitely NOT abusive. grins Bryn __________________ “When facism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” ~Sinclair Lewis

09-16-2004, 08:44 AM	#6 (permalink)
fhqwhgads Junkie	We have a little saying at work: When you have to call the police into your relationship, it's over. Unfortunately I've been to the same houses over and over again...

09-16-2004, 09:50 AM	#8 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	Not that I would ever hit a woman, if she belted me, there's a good chance. I would certainly hope I would never be involved with a woman that liked to hit. My wife likes to smack me(when I'm stupid or what not) and this annoys me, but she'd never try to hurt me physically.

09-16-2004, 08:04 PM	#9 (permalink)
chiss Upright	abusive relationships, whether its from the female, or the male, or mental or physical, it shouldn't be tolerated. Ever.

09-16-2004, 10:49 PM	#11 (permalink)
The Phenomenon Psycho Location: I think my horns are coming out	I'm a guy and no I have never been in an abusive relationship.

09-17-2004, 04:53 AM	#12 (permalink)
Nancy Femme Fatale Location: Elysium	I'm a girl and I've never been in an abusive relationship either. Phew. __________________ I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

09-17-2004, 09:32 PM	#13 (permalink)
omega2K4 Natalie Portman is sexy. Location: The Outer Rim	I haven't been in any abusive relationships. Does having several crazy girlfriends count? __________________ "While the State exists there can be no freedom. When there is freedom there will be no State." - Vladimir Ilyich Lenin "Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."- Karl Marx

09-18-2004, 05:02 AM	#14 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Until you've been in the situation, you cannot say what you would do... It's really easy to say that no one woudl ever do that to you -- but reality is a different story. I got hit once, and walked away, it took more to convince my best friend and his brother that he wasn't worth the trouble they'd end up in for beating the snot out of him, then it was to walk away from the relationship.. Emotional abuse is much more difficult, and much more subtle It starts differently and it's not quite obvious. It's the little things that are used, the bills you haven't paid yet that you are reminded of, (you're really bad with money aren't you, you're really irresponsible aren't you, I'd never do that -- are these statements true? ) Cancelling plans because I had to work late (you let your job walk all over you, I'd tell my boss that I couldn't) then it increases to are you sure you want to wear that? WHAT did you do to your hair? A lot of little things, that you don't notice at the time, and slowly your self esteem gets eroded -- and you honestly believe that you don't do anything right and you will never be good enough... Self esteem comes from inside, it absolutely doesn't come from outside sources, however, when outside sources do their best to erode that self esteem, it makes it much more difficult to find the value in yourself. Do you talk to your friends about this? Perhaps, but maybe you're worried that your friends will either agree with him or chide you that why don't you just tell him to screw off. I always said that I was too strong, too tough, too much of a hardass to ever tolerate any kind of abuse... But in hindsight, after a two year relationship, more than 2 years ago, emotional abuse was exactly what I went thru, and I know what I still am going thru, even though the relationship has ended. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

09-18-2004, 07:56 AM	#15 (permalink)
radioguy Registered User Location: Texas	Luckily, I have not been the abuser or the abusee. I don't plan to ever be either.

09-18-2004, 08:38 AM	#16 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I don't think any abuser intends to become one. Especially with emotional abuse, there's a very fine line between teasing and hurting someone, you'd expect the person being teased to say knock it off, and sometimes they do, but it gets ignored... and the teasing continues... (and that gets ito the whole blame the victim mentality) All people are different, all people come into a relationship with different baggage, even if they claim there is none, just because a person could tell your last significant other something, doesn't mean that it's ok to tell the next significant other the same thing... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

09-18-2004, 08:59 AM	#17 (permalink)
tropple Junkie	I haven't been physically abused in a relationship. I've had my ass kicked before in a serious way and it doesn't compare to mental abuse is rougher. I'd rather be in combat than have a relationship with an emotional abuser. __________________ +++++++++++Boom!

09-21-2004, 05:36 AM	#23 (permalink)
Prince /nɑndəsˈkrɪpt/ Location: LV-426	Pretty interesting results so far... __________________ Who is John Galt?

09-18-2004, 04:20 PM	#18 (permalink)
SiN strangelove Location: ...more here than there...	No. I've been in relationships with 'dysfunctional' moments...but nothing that I would honestly label 'abusive'. I say that partly because it's true, and partly because I'm not comfortable with 'victim'. Anyways...regarding the poll, first thing that I thought of is tying it in with childhood 'abuse'. Or is that just obvious? __________________ - + - ° GiRLie GeeK ° - + - ° 01110010011011110110111101110100001000000110110101100101 Therell be days/When Ill stray/I may appear to be/Constantly out of reach/I give in to sin/Because I like to practise what I preach

09-19-2004, 02:59 PM	#19 (permalink)
ismark1 Upright Location: sydney	I have been in an abusive relationship where I took 13 years of bullying and mental abuse from my ex wife and her whole family. We had kids and I wasn't prepared to walk away, I did eventually at the age of 42 when I asked myself "If I died today, could I say that I had made the best use of the time that I had available to me", my answer to myself was "NO". I am now in a very loving and happy relationship with 2 happy healthy kids and there is no abuse.

09-20-2004, 02:27 AM	#20 (permalink)
cali Upright	I'm a girl and I was in a abusive relationship, a loooonnnggg time ago when I was 15, had a boyfriend who beat me with a 2 liter coke bottle and whipped me with his belt because I said "hey" to a male friend (just a bud), I left him that night and walked back to my house. Next day he apologized and asked me " are we still together??" I told him to f.. off and then my mom's boyfriend had a nice(smirk) long talk with him, No charges were pressed by me or him (against my mom 's boyfriend) and I never saw him again. do feel sorry for whoever is with him now. __________________ It is all that we see is seem; A dream within a dream E.A.P.

09-20-2004, 09:30 PM	#22 (permalink)
Squishor Frontal Lobe Location: California	I've never been in an abusive relationship. Although some of my relationships have been dysfunctional in various ways, I won't stand for abuse. I know the situations get complex and hard to get out of, but I can't say I really understand it because I haven't been there. I've never been hit (play-fighting and wrestling around don't count) and as far as mental abuse goes, well, if you want to say something mean or raise your voice to me you'd better have a damn good reason. I did have a neighbor once who behaved abusively towards me and boy did he pay for it...

09-21-2004, 05:49 AM	#24 (permalink)
bookerV Addict Location: Ontario, Canada	I'm a guy and I have never had an abusive relationship. I would never ever emotionally or physically abuse someone I was with, and I expect the same. Any girls try any of that with me and they will be out the door in a heartbeat... __________________ "That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy." Lionel Hutz

10-07-2004, 02:10 PM	#25 (permalink)
Dr Rico Upright Location: The Northern Territories of the Conch Republic	I have been hooked up in one long-term and one rather short-term relationship with folks who suffered from psychotic episodes that erupted into violence against my body. And against my head. It was hard to separate the "disease behavior" from the "choice behavior" and I eventually pulled the plug on both relationships because there was no sign of effort to improve the disease states. Sadly. Came to work withy stitches and suchlike, much to the general hilarity of the office staff. Liek when I was whacked by a cast iron skillet. That was nice (not). In retrospect, I'm suprised I stayed as long as I did, but I really loved these women and they were truly sick. But the same wide behavioral bandwidth that led to violence also made them exciting, fascinating, terrififc individuals. Nothing is easy in life... __________________ Hasta --> Rico "Earth is an asylum for angels with amnesia" -- Emerson