When is a relationship dead? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

livingfossil · 09-06-2004, 02:08 PM

So, in the mind of some of my more experienced friends (ie: y'all), is there a point when you can tell if it is time to call it quits in a relationship? I mean, is it when you think to yourself several times a day, I wish I could get up and leave and never have to deal with this crap again, or is it after your first fight that lands someone in the ER?

Perhaps a rough situational sketch will help: Married for c. 2 years, together c. 4, and now it's starting to actually feel like we're married. In the Everybody loves Raymond grandparents' sense. Bickering, little or no speaking--I mean, real talk, the kind we to trade back and forth for hours--and a barelyflickering sexlife--like, 'ah, the phonebills here... isn't it time we had sex?' No fun, no longer. And I dunno if I am cut out for living funless life.

It's not that there isn't love. It's that there is no fun. Joy. Whatever.

Anyway, maybe what I'm asking is when/how y'all knew your first marriage/major relationship had finally stumbled over the bucket and collapsed.

MSD · 09-06-2004, 05:43 PM

Once it's a job and not a relationship, it's time to put in your two weeks' notice.

maleficent · 09-06-2004, 05:56 PM

MSD's right however, quitting a job is one thing, quitting a marriage, I wouldn't go down without a fight.

Sometimes real life intrudes and people forget the spontaneity that was once there...

Gotta make some fun...

Buk · 09-06-2004, 06:47 PM

If you haven't already I would try counseling. Confront her about your feelings and tell her you want to goto counseling. Be prepared with information pamphlets and a time when you want to start. If she is not receptive, I would pack your bags...

Give the couseling a chance, if both of you aren't its a waste of time and money.

Flyguy · 09-06-2004, 10:30 PM

When you go to her house to surprise her and you catch her fucking her old boyfriend on her bed with her kid alone in the living room unsupervised. That would about do it.

And she never knew I caught her either. Just called it off and to this day she wonders why.

shipofshame · 09-06-2004, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by livingfossil

It's not that there isn't love. It's that there is no fun. Joy. Whatever.

Maybe the two of you just need to spice things up a little? Go do something exciting, go on a vacation to somewhere exotic, experiment with new things in bed.

If the love is there like you say it is, I'm thinking along the lines of you just needing some sort of spark in your relationship. Like a catalyst to get things moving again. I don't know what interests you, but I would consider trying to find a way to make things exciting again.

Don't go down without a fight!

The Phenomenon · 09-06-2004, 11:26 PM

Ask yourself this: In spite of all of the bad stuff, do you still enjoy being with her? Do yyou still want to be with her?

Maybe you two need to take a vacation together, alone, somewhere nice.

SparklingDot · 09-06-2004, 11:27 PM

You're feeling married. So what? It won't all be fun and games. But you guys will have to put in some thought. Ive been with my SO for 4 years. We aren't married, but sometimes it feels like it. When it feels too ordinary, we change things up. We try something new together. We help each other. Try a new hobby together. Make a bet, do a trade. Surprise your spouse in a way that says "I love you, and still pay attention to the things you do and say." Think back to the things that were romantic. Or just plain fun. Go away for a long weekend in a new place, so you have to rely on each other and talk. Try to be optimistic, a positive mindset works wonders. Don't be ready to quit because it isn't fun. Be ready to explore what you have.

Manic_Skafe · 09-07-2004, 01:37 AM

Surely you could find someone who makes everyday feel as amazing as the first but by the time you'd find that person you'd probably be burnt of from too many relationships gone bad.

The idea of spending so much time out of your life with any other person is a scare thought to me but I think the love you share with that person should be more than enough to make you want to deal with all that must be done in order to make the relationship work. You've both fallen into some what of a routine but unless you've got a different mail order bride coming every week that's what's to be expect from a long term relationship of any sort.

As I'm sure was said above, stop thinking about how much time it's been so far and the future ahead and live in the present time of your relationships, constantly reinforce the foundations your relationship is built on and redefine the terms of your relationship. The only way the relationship will work is if you two learn to grow together.

Relationship counseling.

09-07-2004, 10:58 AM

COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!!!

You guys need to have some deep, serious talk. It will be awkward to tell your SO what gripes you may be hiding, but I'm a firm believer that, if there is/was a concrete relationship and the love is still there, it can be rekindled. At least eachother will know exactly where everybody stands.

Good luck!

lurkette · 09-07-2004, 11:30 AM

We've been to the brink a couple of times, and the bottom line was that both of us still wanted to be with each other. We loved each other, we just had started taking a lot of things for granted and, yup, stopped communicating about things. Basically, what keeps us together is that we have promised to do whatever it takes to make it work. That means giving up being right all the time, making some compromises, being creative to find a way that makes things work for both of us, and constant, intimate communication. Every time we've been to the "do I really want to be here" place, we always come back stronger than ever, but it's because we love each other enough to do the things it takes to stay together and be happy.

If you can't find a way to do this on your own, that's what marriage counselors are for, and they're a lot cheaper and less painful than a divorce. Don't give up if you still love each other.

BTW, the 4-year point in any relationship is kind of a risk period. Evolutionarily speaking, 4 years is about the amount of time it takes to raise a child to relative self-sufficiency (they're weaned, can forage for food, walk on their own, etc.) so that 2 parents are no longer required to feed everyone. Forget about the 7-year-itch, 4 years in was the roughest time we've ever had. We've been together for about 13 years now.

livingfossil · 09-07-2004, 02:04 PM

Thanks all. I may try the counseling thing. Or perhaps plunge headlong into without professional help. First at least.

Communication is the key, as they say.

mechanicman · 09-07-2004, 05:02 PM

I think communication is probably the most important. I never get mad and just stop talking, we are always able to talk out our problems without yelling or anything. It shows how much we really love eachother.

catsmuffin · 09-07-2004, 05:36 PM

Hopefully not. It is so hard to find someone to love and who loves you back. In my opinion you should sit down and tell your spouse how you feel. You have negative thoughts going through your mind and obviously that's not a good thing. Depending on how your spouse feels maybe you two can work it out,...if that's what you both want ofcourse. I used to be so critical that an ex would do something that aggravated me and I would end it w/ out talking to them about it. I was never big on talking through issues until my last relationship, he was wonderful and helped me to grow up by, talking w/ me and getting things out in the open. Talking is the way to go, get it all out in the open and see how you two really feel about eachother. Maybe things can spark again and maybe not but, life is too short and we all need to be happy

Good luck

bscox00 · 09-14-2004, 08:01 AM

Sadly, it took outside indications for me to notice things were over. I was willing to overlook her temper tantrums. When she became more and more destructive - kicking holes, breaking lamps and grabbing me by the arm during arguments, I finally caught on.

I am a sufferer of emotional and (limited) physical abuse. Don't go down this path. Even staying together for the children (luckily we had none) isn't a good idea - children will notice.

catsmuffin · 09-14-2004, 02:27 PM

Dude, you gave it your best and that's commendable! No one should put up w/ abuse of anykind! Too many people do and yes, alot stay for the children but, you are so right,...it's not worth it! Hopefully she will realize her anger problem and get the help that she needs! Glad that you realized what you have to do and so many times it takes an outsider's insight ya know. Best of luck to ya

hokieian · 09-14-2004, 02:56 PM

Like others in this thread, I think it is worth sticking around and finding a solution.
I think the bottom line is do little things to show her you still care for her and don't take her for granted. Take a trip somewhere. If you don't have the money for that, take over the cooking and cleaning. Do little things to take the stress off of her, because I believe that stress and worry are the major detriments to marriage.

Now if I could only follow my own advice . . .

catsmuffin · 09-14-2004, 04:15 PM

I can understand what you are saying (hokieian) but, if I was w/ someone for 4 years, tried to make it work and they are still combative,...nope, I'd be done. Just my opinion

xxjuicesxx · 09-14-2004, 10:39 PM

ghjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjgggggggggggggggg

toxic515 · 09-15-2004, 12:43 PM

You asked for a reason. Most likely because you're not QUITE ready to call it over. Counseling and communication. and soon.

Schwan · 09-15-2004, 01:11 PM

I just went through something like this. To quote Woody Allen's Anything Else:

- Do you still love me?
- Just because I pull away every time you try to touch me? What a question!

/Doesn't seem so funny now. Should have known better.

09-06-2004, 02:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
livingfossil Tilted Location: Chicago	When is a relationship dead? So, in the mind of some of my more experienced friends (ie: y'all), is there a point when you can tell if it is time to call it quits in a relationship? I mean, is it when you think to yourself several times a day, I wish I could get up and leave and never have to deal with this crap again, or is it after your first fight that lands someone in the ER? Perhaps a rough situational sketch will help: Married for c. 2 years, together c. 4, and now it's starting to actually feel like we're married. In the Everybody loves Raymond grandparents' sense. Bickering, little or no speaking--I mean, real talk, the kind we to trade back and forth for hours--and a barelyflickering sexlife--like, 'ah, the phonebills here... isn't it time we had sex?' No fun, no longer. And I dunno if I am cut out for living funless life. It's not that there isn't love. It's that there is no fun. Joy. Whatever. Anyway, maybe what I'm asking is when/how y'all knew your first marriage/major relationship had finally stumbled over the bucket and collapsed. __________________ Never anything witty.

09-06-2004, 05:56 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	MSD's right however, quitting a job is one thing, quitting a marriage, I wouldn't go down without a fight. Sometimes real life intrudes and people forget the spontaneity that was once there... Gotta make some fun... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

09-06-2004, 11:27 PM	#8 (permalink)
SparklingDot Insane	You're feeling married. So what? It won't all be fun and games. But you guys will have to put in some thought. Ive been with my SO for 4 years. We aren't married, but sometimes it feels like it. When it feels too ordinary, we change things up. We try something new together. We help each other. Try a new hobby together. Make a bet, do a trade. Surprise your spouse in a way that says "I love you, and still pay attention to the things you do and say." Think back to the things that were romantic. Or just plain fun. Go away for a long weekend in a new place, so you have to rely on each other and talk. Try to be optimistic, a positive mindset works wonders. Don't be ready to quit because it isn't fun. Be ready to explore what you have. __________________ 17 seconds is all you really need - Smashing Pumpkins

09-07-2004, 01:37 AM	#9 (permalink)
Manic_Skafe More Than You Expect Location: Queens	Surely you could find someone who makes everyday feel as amazing as the first but by the time you'd find that person you'd probably be burnt of from too many relationships gone bad. The idea of spending so much time out of your life with any other person is a scare thought to me but I think the love you share with that person should be more than enough to make you want to deal with all that must be done in order to make the relationship work. You've both fallen into some what of a routine but unless you've got a different mail order bride coming every week that's what's to be expect from a long term relationship of any sort. As I'm sure was said above, stop thinking about how much time it's been so far and the future ahead and live in the present time of your relationships, constantly reinforce the foundations your relationship is built on and redefine the terms of your relationship. The only way the relationship will work is if you two learn to grow together. Relationship counseling. __________________ "Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

09-07-2004, 11:30 AM	#11 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	We've been to the brink a couple of times, and the bottom line was that both of us still wanted to be with each other. We loved each other, we just had started taking a lot of things for granted and, yup, stopped communicating about things. Basically, what keeps us together is that we have promised to do whatever it takes to make it work. That means giving up being right all the time, making some compromises, being creative to find a way that makes things work for both of us, and constant, intimate communication. Every time we've been to the "do I really want to be here" place, we always come back stronger than ever, but it's because we love each other enough to do the things it takes to stay together and be happy. If you can't find a way to do this on your own, that's what marriage counselors are for, and they're a lot cheaper and less painful than a divorce. Don't give up if you still love each other. BTW, the 4-year point in any relationship is kind of a risk period. Evolutionarily speaking, 4 years is about the amount of time it takes to raise a child to relative self-sufficiency (they're weaned, can forage for food, walk on their own, etc.) so that 2 parents are no longer required to feed everyone. Forget about the 7-year-itch, 4 years in was the roughest time we've ever had. We've been together for about 13 years now. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France Last edited by lurkette; 09-07-2004 at 11:33 AM..

09-06-2004, 05:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Once it's a job and not a relationship, it's time to put in your two weeks' notice.

09-06-2004, 06:47 PM	#4 (permalink)
Buk Addict Location: Seattle, WA	If you haven't already I would try counseling. Confront her about your feelings and tell her you want to goto counseling. Be prepared with information pamphlets and a time when you want to start. If she is not receptive, I would pack your bags... Give the couseling a chance, if both of you aren't its a waste of time and money.

09-06-2004, 10:30 PM	#5 (permalink)
Flyguy Banned Location: Swooping down on you from above....	When you go to her house to surprise her and you catch her fucking her old boyfriend on her bed with her kid alone in the living room unsupervised. That would about do it. And she never knew I caught her either. Just called it off and to this day she wonders why.

09-06-2004, 11:26 PM	#7 (permalink)
The Phenomenon Psycho Location: I think my horns are coming out	Ask yourself this: In spite of all of the bad stuff, do you still enjoy being with her? Do yyou still want to be with her? Maybe you two need to take a vacation together, alone, somewhere nice.

09-07-2004, 10:58 AM	#10 (permalink)
pimpjuice Guest	COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!!! You guys need to have some deep, serious talk. It will be awkward to tell your SO what gripes you may be hiding, but I'm a firm believer that, if there is/was a concrete relationship and the love is still there, it can be rekindled. At least eachother will know exactly where everybody stands. Good luck!

09-07-2004, 02:04 PM	#12 (permalink)
livingfossil Tilted Location: Chicago	Thanks all. I may try the counseling thing. Or perhaps plunge headlong into without professional help. First at least. Communication is the key, as they say. __________________ Never anything witty.

09-07-2004, 05:02 PM	#13 (permalink)
mechanicman Upright Location: Glendale, AZ	I think communication is probably the most important. I never get mad and just stop talking, we are always able to talk out our problems without yelling or anything. It shows how much we really love eachother.

09-07-2004, 05:36 PM	#14 (permalink)
catsmuffin Upright Location: Masachusetts	Another love gone? Hopefully not. It is so hard to find someone to love and who loves you back. In my opinion you should sit down and tell your spouse how you feel. You have negative thoughts going through your mind and obviously that's not a good thing. Depending on how your spouse feels maybe you two can work it out,...if that's what you both want ofcourse. I used to be so critical that an ex would do something that aggravated me and I would end it w/ out talking to them about it. I was never big on talking through issues until my last relationship, he was wonderful and helped me to grow up by, talking w/ me and getting things out in the open. Talking is the way to go, get it all out in the open and see how you two really feel about eachother. Maybe things can spark again and maybe not but, life is too short and we all need to be happy Good luck __________________ Peace!

09-14-2004, 08:01 AM	#15 (permalink)
bscox00 Banned	Sadly, it took outside indications for me to notice things were over. I was willing to overlook her temper tantrums. When she became more and more destructive - kicking holes, breaking lamps and grabbing me by the arm during arguments, I finally caught on. I am a sufferer of emotional and (limited) physical abuse. Don't go down this path. Even staying together for the children (luckily we had none) isn't a good idea - children will notice.

09-14-2004, 02:27 PM	#16 (permalink)
catsmuffin Upright Location: Masachusetts	Dude, you gave it your best and that's commendable! No one should put up w/ abuse of anykind! Too many people do and yes, alot stay for the children but, you are so right,...it's not worth it! Hopefully she will realize her anger problem and get the help that she needs! Glad that you realized what you have to do and so many times it takes an outsider's insight ya know. Best of luck to ya __________________ Peace!

09-14-2004, 10:39 PM	#19 (permalink)
xxjuicesxx Upright	ghjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjgggggggggggggggg Last edited by xxjuicesxx; 02-28-2005 at 03:55 PM..

09-14-2004, 02:56 PM	#17 (permalink)
hokieian Crazy Location: Saratoga Springs, NY	Like others in this thread, I think it is worth sticking around and finding a solution. I think the bottom line is do little things to show her you still care for her and don't take her for granted. Take a trip somewhere. If you don't have the money for that, take over the cooking and cleaning. Do little things to take the stress off of her, because I believe that stress and worry are the major detriments to marriage. Now if I could only follow my own advice . . .

09-14-2004, 04:15 PM	#18 (permalink)
catsmuffin Upright Location: Masachusetts	I can understand what you are saying (hokieian) but, if I was w/ someone for 4 years, tried to make it work and they are still combative,...nope, I'd be done. Just my opinion __________________ Peace!

09-15-2004, 12:43 PM	#20 (permalink)
toxic515 Addict Location: Texas	You asked for a reason. Most likely because you're not QUITE ready to call it over. Counseling and communication. and soon. __________________ Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

09-15-2004, 01:11 PM	#21 (permalink)
Schwan A boy and his dog Location: EU!	I just went through something like this. To quote Woody Allen's Anything Else: - Do you still love me? - Just because I pull away every time you try to touch me? What a question! /Doesn't seem so funny now. Should have known better.