LondonsBurning

My situation is pretty serious. An ex-gf of mine is in the sorry situation of being a mother at 17. She's currently 7 months pregnant and is due to be married with the father sometime in the future. Thing is, I can tell for a fact that the situation will only get worse if she sticks with him. I'm (Austin) currently not located in the same city as her (Ft.Worth), and have been friends with her for over a year since our breakup. Basically when I found out she was a minor after the second date, I broke it off. Never did anything sexual with her other than a kiss and cuddling. This future husband wasn't so bright. The man is 26 and knocked her up when she was 16 (Was 19 at the time when we dated. 20 now.) I'd love to help her if I could.


I'm a local college student in Austin, still living in the same house as my mother. We have an extra room that she could stay in, but honestly she'd have no help here if she did stay. We're not very rich, and naturally my mother would have no interest in helping a complete stranger. I'm honestly the type of guy that would take in a box full of abandoned hungry kittens on the street if it were possible. I like to pretty much go out of my way to help others if it's at all possible. So like I said if it was possible that I could provide for her in the shorterm to the point where she graduated highschool, and was atleast able to get through college so she could get her associates degree and make a living on her own without this future loser she's going to marry I would. But like I said, I'm a jobless college student trying to start the advance of my own future career. I can't help her.


So the next best situation I can think of, would be to show her other alternatives she can follow other than marrying this douchebag, who has hit her in the past, and invariably knocked her off, and most likely will knock her up more to the point where she might have so many kids that eventually when it gets to the point where she does want to get away from him, she'll be so financially dependent on him that she can't. He doesn't make much money (poor to lower middle class), so basically I can just see where things would go if she stuck herself with him. Being someone that's very pro-life, as is she, abortion isn't an option, although it would be the easiest way out.

Naturally you'd think her parents would step in and offer help to raise her and the child, but the father did exactly what her fiance did to her mom, which was have sex with a minor and knock her up. I've talked to the dad and he's a decent enough guy, but lets face it, she's been raised around losers, and to emphasize that point more, they can't help her raise the child. So basically she feels her only option is to marry this guy to provide for the child. I've talked to her, and she doesn't really want to, but doesn't see any other options, and lets face it, there really aren't many situations that are any better.

So since I can't help her, I'm thinking of shelters she can go to that would be able to provide help for her. She's Baptist, so any Baptist shelters that could provide her services, counseling, job help, and assistance raising the child, and becoming a good mother would be great.. Honestly a single mother shelter doesn't really offer anything much better than what her potential husband could offer, but atleast she wouldn't dig herself in a hole any deeper by having more kids with him, and feeling hopelessly stuck anymore than what she already is. And I think there would be a brighter light if she did go to a shelter for help, in the sense that she could find other single mothers in situatitons similar to hers for help, and gather a sense of independence instead of relying on the loser men in her life. I know there's many other teenage mothers in the U.S that follow this same path, but I feel if I can help alleviate this one situation, it would be not only make the world a much better place, but would also impact the lives of the mother and her child in a hopefully positive manner. I still plan on helping any way I can, but her potential future husband doesn't want any men talking to her out of jealousy. Understandable I guess, but I can't help but feel sorry for her and the situation she put herself in. Yes it was her fault for falling for such a loser without birth control (she used a condom, but obviously not good enough), but I think she's a perfect example of growing up in an environment and being doomed to follow the same path. As much as it is her fault for making that choice, I still want to help her.

So basically if anyone here has any information, help/advice on this situation to help her, by all means provide it. My plan is to gather as many resources full of information of single mother shelters in Ft.Worth, stories of single mothers in situations that felt she had no other alternatives similar to hers, and after results that prove it's possible she can get out of the hole she's dug herself in, and find a light with a good future ahead of her, albeit a tough road to walk to get through it all. I just want to try and help her as much as I can because I'd hate to see her life go in the direction it's going in without doing everything I can to help change it. Inevitably it'll be her decision to decide what to do, but still any way I can influence that decision to not marry this loser, the better. Thanks in advance.

la petite moi

You're doing a great thing to help her out, but she has to learn from her own mistakes too. When you're 16, you know better than to sleep with men, and so this pregnancy is her fault too, like you said. If the future husband is/was hitting her, she needs to get away from him, yes. Be there when she needs a friend to talk to, but don't do everything for her. She needs to look for options on her own, and if she descides to marry that guy, she may learn a thing or two. Just be there for her.

I don't know if this will help, but:
http://www.dhs.state.tx.us/programs/.../shelters.html
http://www.womenshaven.org/
http://www.gtii.com/members/lannin/s...as.htm#ftworth

LondonsBurning

Thankyou for the assistance. Any links at all that you think might help would be beneficial. I've been googling all day to no avail. I guess I'm not putting in the right words.

maleficent

Single parenthood is not her only option. Has she entertained the notion of adoption? That some family out there, who's in a better position to care for her child, would love a baby. And she could get her life together.

http://maternity-home.adoption.com/

Has she had any pre-natal care at all?

Found this on a link from a site that thinks adoption is the worst thing int he world - that everyone shoudl keep their babies -- but maybe some of the resources here will help..(it includes places to stay as well)
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/parenting_resources_.html

__________________

LondonsBurning

I have not brought adoption up with her. The fiance has done a pretty good job of convincing her to stay. Funny thing was before she realized she was pregnant with his child, she had since broken up with him and gone up with her life. I had actually started a thread a few weeks ago asking if it was possible to have a period while pregnant. That was related to her since it wasn't til she was 6 months pregnant and had a routine doctor appointment that her pediatrician told her the news. Up until then she had actually had been having her period. When I actually visited her, she didn't look pregnant. A little bigger and rounder around the stomach, but not yet full blown stomach out to the point where you can't see your knees. The moment she realized she was pregnant, she called him, and he proposed marriage. Such a foolish thing to do I think, especially when she broke up with him for being abusive. I understand having no other financial options to go to, but jeez. Ultimately it will be her decision but it's just my hope that I offer so much information that she can't turn her head away from, she'll atleast spend some good time thinking that marriage with that asshole isn't the only option available. She's just too young, and too shortsighted is all, and I can only hope that'll change if she actually sees other viable options.

Captain Nemo

I agree with Maleficent. Our local paper always has at least half a dozen ads in the classifieds with people looking to adopt a baby. I'm sure at this point she strongly wants to keep the child, but she also has to concede that at this point in her life there is no easy way she can provide for it.

LondonsBurning

I agree, but at this point I'm just trying to gather information right now, organize it, and give it to her. My former boss was a state representative, and is still good friends with my mother who worked for the state and is very much apart of the Catholic help communities as well. I plan on asking my mother, and former boss for any help about organizations and counseling services as well they can provide. I'm just trying to do all I can at this point before I'm forced to call it quits if she still refuses. I have college starting up next Wednesday so I'll have even less time to help, so I figure I need to get this done now while I still have time on my hands.

maleficent

Has she had any kind of counseling at all on this? other than talking to you, and, nothing personal, you are not a trained professional.

Planned parenthood, while this is unplanned, might have some resources for her, or at least get her pre-natal care, so she has a healthy baby
http://www.ppnt.org/default.asp?pageid=280

I am also having a tough time with this 26 year old, who's guilty of statutory rape. If she does keep the baby, I'd go for a paternity test right away, he's on the hook for child support for the next 18 years, whether or not they marry - -whether she can collect it is another story, but she doesn't need to marry him to get that support.

__________________

LondonsBurning

Thanks again for another link to look up.


I am full aware I'm not a trained professional and am in no way able to help her other then telling her where to get help. That's really all I'm trying to do other than offer support if/when she needs it.

maleficent

She doesn't need to marry him for financial reasons...

Paternity in Texas

__________________

raeanna74

Wow - I wish her the best. That's a tough place to be in no matter what she's caused herself. I hope she will see that she doesn't HAVE to stay with this looser.

Adoption is something I would really suggest. I'm not saying she wants to "loose" her baby. Hubby's birth Mom was very young when she concieved. She gave him up for adoption and he went home from the hospital with the parents he has known all his life. They were open with him and expressed to him that it wasn't because he was unwanted but that she wanted the best for him. They CHOSE to take him home with them and showed him how much they loved him. About 5 years ago hubby's parents contacted a mutual friend of theirs and the birth mom. They'd never met her and did not know who she was. Their friend contacted her and asked if she wanted to meet hubby and his future wife. She did. We met. And she keeps in contact with us sending Christmas and Birthday cards and talking to hubby's Mom on the phone every now and then. The situation has turned out the best it could have for everyone.

It's a sad state to be in but there is hope for her and she doesn't have to turn to someone who is unreliable, selfish, jealous, and dangerous for her. I hope she sees that at least.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

LondonsBurning

It's me again. I just want to thank everyone here for providing such helpful links. I'll be doing a lot printing, reading, organizing, and making a lot of phone calls tomorrow. Hopefully it'll all be worth it. As it stands, I'm already mentally exhausted so I think I'll be heading to bed.

bendsley

I would say she's quite lucky to have a person in the world that would care that much about her. Kudo's to you and good luck. Hollar if you need anything, I'm sure that the people on this forum would be more than happy to help if we can do anything.

__________________
"You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

LondonsBurning

Just an update, I've called up some of the local Ft. Worth organizations/charities and will have information mailed to me to organize later on for her. I've tried thinking of any options she could choose regarding her child, whether it be adoption, being a single mother that receives shelter through housing, counseling, job help, etc. I've also looked up information regarding making the marriage last. Information such as helping that father be a good father through local counseling services, etc. Also information regarding marriage counseling, and violence as well. Counseling to help her be a good mother through the marriage if she needs it. I figure if they do get married, they'll atleast know who to call if things get shaky and they want to make it work if possible. All I'm waiting on now is the actual information to be received at my doorstep, and hoping my printer doesn't run out of ink. Organizing this will be a pain in the ass, but if anything I feel it'll be worth it.

Again just want to thank anyone that provided advice/help that they could offer, even if it be words of caution to get away.