Moving in? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

chuj · 07-30-2004, 10:10 PM

Hi everybody - this is my first post.

Theres this girl that's in my life right now, and I used to be in love with her. I had never said anything or made any kind of move, because during the time that I felt this way she'd been seeing somebody, and it really wasnt my bag/style to interfere with that. So instead, I settled being friends with her, and we developed a very plutonic relationship. We decided that we were going to move in together (along with another mutual friend) for the upcoming school year.

Now, almost a year after we'd first met I have mixed feelings about our whole... er, relationship. Do I really want to move-in with this girl, that I used to have very serious feelings for? Right now, I'm not sure how I feel about her. Three months ago I would have been ready to do anything to have her. But now, the absence of those feelings makes me think twice about our entire friendship, and whether the entire thing was really just a subconscious run-down or chase, that now, in retrospect, simply doesn't make any sense.

I've been sitting on this egg for awhile, and its got to the point that I feel something should be done or said... but at the same time, I have this feeling of dread that if I venture from the status quo - I could lose her from mylife forever. I dont want that to happen.

I'm looking for some advice from anyone who might have been in a similar situation, or anyone whose just got some insight. Anything would be great, as I think I've exhuasted/denied just about all my own options on this.

Carno · 07-30-2004, 10:24 PM

First off, I would recommend not moving in with a member of the opposite sex if you value your sanity.

Secondly, picture this: the girl comes home from a party with a handsome guy in tow. They proceed to make loud, passionate sex in her bedroom. You share a wall with her room and hear everything. They begin to date and the sex is louder and more passionate each time. Meanwhile you cry yourself to sleep to the sounds of her moaning in pleasure.

Do you really want to put yourself through that?

maleficent · 07-30-2004, 10:27 PM

If you aren't sure how you feel about her, find out your feelings pretty quick.

Imagine Carn's scenario - can you live with that?

What if she brought home a different guy every night?

Does this girl know that you used to have a crush on her? What if you told her?

chuj · 07-30-2004, 10:37 PM

I appreciate you guys being direct about this.

Yeah - im pretty sure she knew while it was going on, and the fact that she'd never distanced herself from me only makes me more confused. We've never discussed it so I cant be 100%, but I know that other people have told her about it. I've been thinking that that might be the way to go, just telling her the way I used to feel and leaving the ball in her court.

And yeah believe that scenario has crossed my mind more than once. Another part of this situation is that my only other option would be to move in with strangers, which would in turn, force her and the other roomie to do the same. I'd feel like a big asshole doing that, but should that be besides the point? I also hate the idea of living with strangers, as I had a bad experience with it over the last year.

maleficent · 07-30-2004, 10:42 PM

Sounds like you really want to do this...

What are your expecations of her?

Seeing you every day, being her friend every day, that she'll fall in love with you? (not that it's outside the realm of possibility)

Sometimes, it's OK to be a little selfish, especially where your heart and your feelings are concerned. Don't worry about them having to get a stranger to move in with them. A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet... maybe this time moving in with un-met friends will be different. Don't judge one roommate experience on all roommate experiences.

Carno · 07-30-2004, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by chuj
[B]I appreciate you guys being direct about this.

Yeah - im pretty sure she knew while it was going on, and the fact that she'd never distanced herself from me only makes me more confused. We've never discussed it so I cant be 100%, but I know that other people have told her about it. I've been thinking that that might be the way to go, just telling her the way I used to feel and leaving the ball in her court.[B]

That would probably be the best thing to do. Let her know you are having some doubts about moving in with her, and let her know how you feel about her. She might tell you that she just wants to be friends, and it is in your best interest to know that before you move in, so you don't have any false hopes. Then again, she might be wondering why you've never tried to make a move on her. She may have feelings for you, but is unsure due to you not acting on yours.

Quote:

And yeah believe that scenario has crossed my mind more than once. Another part of this situation is that my only other option would be to move in with strangers, which would in turn, force her and the other roomie to do the same. I'd feel like a big asshole doing that, but should that be besides the point? I also hate the idea of living with strangers, as I had a bad experience with it over the last year.

Moving in with strangers is definitely risky, and I would advise against that.

I'd take inventory of my feelings for her, and get everything out in the open before yall move in together. That way you're all on the same page and you don't go into it hoping something will happen, only to have your hopes dashed.

st33lr4t · 07-31-2004, 05:08 AM

so you had and still have strong feelings for a girl that you are close with and might be living with in the near future....all this and you havent told her how you feel? why go around beating yourself up and assuming things?

just lay it on the table. what do you have to lose? shes not going to stop being your friend because you told her you like her.

TM875 · 07-31-2004, 10:01 AM

Ya know, maybe...just maybe...you should consider telling her how you feel. There's nothing a little honesty can't help. If telling her what you told us makes her not move in with you - then no harm, no foul, it's probably for the best. If telling her makes her realize "Gee, I've always kinda liked him too...", then you've got yourself a start of a relationship.

I've learned the hard way, and lost too much in life from it - always tell the girl how you feel. Even if not in the right context, or with the expected reaction, it's always better to get it off your chest.

chuj · 07-31-2004, 06:07 PM

thanks for the advice everybody. im going to try talking to her tomorrow.

Kazic · 08-01-2004, 01:21 AM

Don't do it until you talk to her. you owe it to yourself just for your own sanctity.

chuj · 08-01-2004, 06:46 PM

*deleted*

chuj · 08-01-2004, 08:31 PM

*deleted*

The Phenomenon · 08-02-2004, 01:56 AM

congratulations. Move in with her if you think you're up to it. Just don't get the room next to hers

07-30-2004, 10:10 PM	#1 (permalink)
chuj Upright	Moving in? Hi everybody - this is my first post. Theres this girl that's in my life right now, and I used to be in love with her. I had never said anything or made any kind of move, because during the time that I felt this way she'd been seeing somebody, and it really wasnt my bag/style to interfere with that. So instead, I settled being friends with her, and we developed a very plutonic relationship. We decided that we were going to move in together (along with another mutual friend) for the upcoming school year. Now, almost a year after we'd first met I have mixed feelings about our whole... er, relationship. Do I really want to move-in with this girl, that I used to have very serious feelings for? Right now, I'm not sure how I feel about her. Three months ago I would have been ready to do anything to have her. But now, the absence of those feelings makes me think twice about our entire friendship, and whether the entire thing was really just a subconscious run-down or chase, that now, in retrospect, simply doesn't make any sense. I've been sitting on this egg for awhile, and its got to the point that I feel something should be done or said... but at the same time, I have this feeling of dread that if I venture from the status quo - I could lose her from mylife forever. I dont want that to happen. I'm looking for some advice from anyone who might have been in a similar situation, or anyone whose just got some insight. Anything would be great, as I think I've exhuasted/denied just about all my own options on this.

07-30-2004, 10:24 PM	#2 (permalink)
Carno Junkie	First off, I would recommend not moving in with a member of the opposite sex if you value your sanity. Secondly, picture this: the girl comes home from a party with a handsome guy in tow. They proceed to make loud, passionate sex in her bedroom. You share a wall with her room and hear everything. They begin to date and the sex is louder and more passionate each time. Meanwhile you cry yourself to sleep to the sounds of her moaning in pleasure. Do you really want to put yourself through that? __________________ http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

07-30-2004, 10:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	If you aren't sure how you feel about her, find out your feelings pretty quick. Imagine Carn's scenario - can you live with that? What if she brought home a different guy every night? Does this girl know that you used to have a crush on her? What if you told her? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

07-30-2004, 10:42 PM	#5 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Sounds like you really want to do this... What are your expecations of her? Seeing you every day, being her friend every day, that she'll fall in love with you? (not that it's outside the realm of possibility) Sometimes, it's OK to be a little selfish, especially where your heart and your feelings are concerned. Don't worry about them having to get a stranger to move in with them. A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet... maybe this time moving in with un-met friends will be different. Don't judge one roommate experience on all roommate experiences. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

07-31-2004, 10:01 AM	#8 (permalink)
TM875 Addict Location: Amish-land, PA	Ya know, maybe...just maybe...you should consider telling her how you feel. There's nothing a little honesty can't help. If telling her what you told us makes her not move in with you - then no harm, no foul, it's probably for the best. If telling her makes her realize "Gee, I've always kinda liked him too...", then you've got yourself a start of a relationship. I've learned the hard way, and lost too much in life from it - always tell the girl how you feel. Even if not in the right context, or with the expected reaction, it's always better to get it off your chest. __________________ "I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

07-30-2004, 10:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
chuj Upright	I appreciate you guys being direct about this. Yeah - im pretty sure she knew while it was going on, and the fact that she'd never distanced herself from me only makes me more confused. We've never discussed it so I cant be 100%, but I know that other people have told her about it. I've been thinking that that might be the way to go, just telling her the way I used to feel and leaving the ball in her court. And yeah believe that scenario has crossed my mind more than once. Another part of this situation is that my only other option would be to move in with strangers, which would in turn, force her and the other roomie to do the same. I'd feel like a big asshole doing that, but should that be besides the point? I also hate the idea of living with strangers, as I had a bad experience with it over the last year.

07-31-2004, 05:08 AM	#7 (permalink)
st33lr4t Psycho Location: Dallas, Tx	so you had and still have strong feelings for a girl that you are close with and might be living with in the near future....all this and you havent told her how you feel? why go around beating yourself up and assuming things? just lay it on the table. what do you have to lose? shes not going to stop being your friend because you told her you like her.

07-31-2004, 06:07 PM	#9 (permalink)
chuj Upright	thanks for the advice everybody. im going to try talking to her tomorrow.

08-01-2004, 01:21 AM	#10 (permalink)
Kazic Psycho Location: Fortress of Solitude	Don't do it until you talk to her. you owe it to yourself just for your own sanctity. __________________ "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

08-01-2004, 06:46 PM	#11 (permalink)
chuj Upright	deleted Last edited by chuj; 08-02-2004 at 08:15 AM..

08-01-2004, 08:31 PM	#12 (permalink)
chuj Upright	deleted Last edited by chuj; 08-02-2004 at 08:15 AM..

08-02-2004, 01:56 AM	#13 (permalink)
The Phenomenon Psycho Location: I think my horns are coming out	congratulations. Move in with her if you think you're up to it. Just don't get the room next to hers __________________ Do not confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible. The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute, is self-sacrifice - which means: self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction - which means: the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good.