jthm

OK, so I'm having issues with my respective girlfriend and what better way to vent then annonymously through a forum?

-Our Past: Why is it that women feel what happend in the past that they were not a part of is their personal fucking business? I thought the idea with relationships was to move foward and form new bonds and whatever but here I am having all the goddamn skeletons in my closet brought up constantly.

-Double Standards: So am I the only one dealing with having to be more tolerant? There seems to be this unspoken agreement that I hafta to take more shit than she does.

-Secrets: Okay so we are meant to be open right? That's cool but there are some things that I don't need to deal with. For some reason it is always these things that are brought up and I am hassled about. Is there no such thing as respecting privacy in a relationship?

-No one is perfect: To err is human right? Yet any misunderstanding or minute wording must be discussed thoroughly and over-analyzed instead of chalking it up to a simple mistake and moving on.

-You're not always right: A relationship does not grant someone immunity from being wrong. If you are wrong that's it, deal with it.

I don't know what I expect to gain from writing this. Maybe someone will actually write something kind or helpful. If you just want to flame look elsewhere please.

timalkin

Do you have any specifics on some of the points? That might help someone give advice that's been there/done that.

wonderwench

I think you are stereotyping women. I know men who have behaved the same way as your girlfriend.

FWIW, my husband and I agreed on a few simple rules early in our relationship which have gotten us through some tough times:

- Once an argument is over, it is history. No bringing up past grievances.

- Don't go to bed angry, even if that means staying up all night to talk things through.

- No name-calling.

jthm

Wonder I'm not trying to stereotype, honestly. These are just some general issues that have come up in many if not all my relationships making them common to me. This may not be the case for everyone and I'm sorry if I made it seem that way.

The ground rules sounds like a great idea but makes things feel serious as well. On top of that when things get heated rules are rarely followed.

Okay I'll give an example if this will help. So I use to have feelings for this relatively good friend of mine I think more than 2 years ago now. We seem to have this way of dipping in and out of a tight friendshsip. Anyways this was two years ago and I was commended on being straightfoward but also thoroughly rejected, life goes on. However my present girlfriend, this good friend and I all hang out in the same crew now. Now whenever possibly my girlfriend must bring up that I used to like her and ask me if I still like her, what it was like back then and why I am not still into her. Now this is a sore spot even if it was two years ago and I am absolutely over it but I see no need to continue raising the subject. I've been with said girlfriend for over a year now, I'm in fucking love, I have gone above and beyond anything I had ever done for previous girlfriends for this girl and yet she can't seem to quit putting her goddamn nose in my past.

StickODynomite

That takes practice. Whew. Especially when blood is boiling.

__________________
"The human mind is like a parachute, it works best when open."

ratbastid

Generally speaking, if you bring specific issues to the table, you'll get specific advice. OTOH, if you post general gripes, you'll get some people agreeing, some people disagreeing, and most people saying, "Hunh?"

Look, rather than focusing on how much this annoys you, try and get in her head about it. Why would she keep bringing it up?

Here's why: she's insecure in your relationship. It took lurkette about 10 years to finally get that I love her and I'm not going anywhere. We'd been married for about six years by that point. What she would do is continually test me, bringing up old relationships or reasons why I shouldn't love her.

Yes, I got annoyed by it, but after a while I could hear it for what it was: she just needed my reassurance that I loved her. And after enough time, she could finally hear that.

wonderwench

jthm,

Have you considered that you may be seeking the same personality type over and over again in you choice of girlfriends - and this is why you see the pattern of behavior that bugs you?

One of my sisters is in the midst of her second divorce. Both husbands were much older and very controlling. She now sees that she made the same mistake twice.

jthm

I can understand what you're saying Wonderwrench and I'd come to pretty much the same conclusions. But I lack your patience and understanding, six years is too long a time for me to even fathom.

Your suggestion that I seek the same personality type is interesting but I'm not sure true in this case. This is because I believe I've dated many different types of girls, some use to be friends but are complete opposites now. With this one I feel I've finally got it right and is quite literally the longest relationship I've ever had and only girl I've used the L word with.

Thanks for the advice though, it's a new day so maybe I'll find some piece of mind or resolution today.