Breaking up with your best friend, is this right?

[EVIDENT]

Sorry this is long; I just don’t think I could describe it any differently.

ok... here's my story.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and 10 months. We met each other in high school, her senior year and my junior year. We hung out occasionally and became good friends. We started talking more and ended up dating during her freshman year in college. I had dated a very-little in high school, but she was my first serious girlfriend and I was hers [boyfriend that is].

Flash forward about 2 years… I’ve learned so much from her. She is the kindest and most loving person I’ve eve met. But I’m not happy. I’ve discovered we are very, very different. I am a very spontaneous person, she’s absolutely not. I want to be able to say, “Let’s go to [insert faraway destination here] tonight!” This senior actually happened this spring. I got really excited about going to hear one of my favorite bands, Dispatch, in their final show. She refused to come with me because she was worried about what people would think about us going together and staying in the same room… which brings us to another issue…sex.

She wants to wait for marriage, and I totally respect that. It’s just so damn hard loving her and caring for her so much, yet always having to stop before “we go too far.” Now I know I might get flamed with “If you love her, you’ll respect her wishes,” but that’s just how I feel. I can’t justify it because I know I’m wrong, in a way – I guess. It makes me feel like my heart is torn inside.

We’ve talked about marriage… even pinned down a general time that we might want to. About a month ago my best friend told me he’s getting married. This freaked me out. He’s younger than me and been dating hid SO for less time than I have. At first I think I was way more open to the idea of marriage because with marriage would come sex and it was a kind of an unrealistic thought at the time. Now that it’s more of a reality, I know I don’t want to be married anytime soon.

My girlfriend has every quality I would want my wife to have; I just think it’s not the right time. I know if I married her now I would regret it later on. I want to experience other women, by this I don’t just mean sexually. When I do get married I don’t want to wonder what other women are like or if I should have dated more.

I also want to be able to move wherever my career (once I graduate in a few years) takes me without any hindrances.

I believe that if we're truly ment to be together, it will find a way.

So basically, I’ve decided to break up with her. I love her very much and don’t want to hurt her, but I feel like this is something I have to do.

Am I right in deciding this? How should I go about doing so, as to bring as little hurt to each other?

Thank you so very much for your time and responses.

[maleficent]

You have to do what's right for you. Your heart and your head know what the right thing is.

As for the sex thing, I don't think you are wrong, nor do I think she is. You are both on "different pages" to use an annoying managerial phrase. I wouldn't use sex as the reason for ending it, it may force her into rethinking her decision to wait for marriage.

But... if she asks, and she probably will... Would it make a difference if she did change her mind about sex?

As someone older, and hopefully a bit wiser, I think you should date as much as possible when you are young, all sorts of women, to find out what you really want in a woman.

Good Luck

[Sugar&Spice]

I don't see a way to lessen the hurt. Both of you are going to hurt. Here's a suggestion, maybe ask her if you two can take a break for say two weeks. This would allow you to date other girls and maybe find someone else or lead you to the conclusion that she is the only one for you. If a break is taken I do not recommend having sex with other girls. I doubt your girlfriend would take you back.

Another alternative would be to just break up and if you are meant to be you guys will eventually be together in the future. There really is no way to lessen the pain you are going to go through. Just be strong and do what you think you must do to be the happiest with your life.

[EVIDENT]

Originally posted by maleficent
I wouldn't use sex as the reason for ending it, it may force her into rethinking her decision to wait for marriage.

Yeah...I don't really want her to rethink her stance, I know she feels strongly about it and admire her for her ferventcy. Besides, that really isn't all that important - it's just emotionably uncomfortable. What, I feel, is the driving factor, is my desire to know what else is out there.

So then, how should I tell her?

[maleficent]

Honestly - exactly what you wrote -- it's sort of a It's not you, it's me - -but you are both young, you both may want to see what else is out there. I honestly think as long as you have those strong thoughts, you'll never be able to be completely happy with her.

You are not ruling out what the future might bring, you are just thinking about what you want right now. It might be a little selfish, but to not allow you that, is wrong too. You aren't trying to hurt her, and this is going to be hard on you, cause she clearly means a lot to you.

Go your seperate ways for 6 months, no contact with each other, and then see where you are.

[Peetster]

Originally posted by EVIDENT
She wants to wait for marriage, and I totally respect that. It’s just so damn hard loving her and caring for her so much, yet always having to stop before “we go too far.”

No, you don't totally respect it, or you wouldn't be posting about your frustrations. "So damn hard" sounds like a justification.

She wants you to leave her pussy alone. You're having a hard time with it. That's not surprising. But you have to do what she says, and then get used to doing that.

[Devilfish]

I think she would appreciate you telling her more or less what you've told us here- specifically, the part about your best friend getting married, and it freaking you out, and thus even though you want to marry her you feel you're not ready (less so the part about wondering about other women).

A break is good, but don't sleep with other women. Definitely not.

[Spidey]

you also have to weigh out the other senario, what happens if you never find the person that you want later on in life, will you come to regret what you once had. People are always fickle in this respect, where they are constantly on the lookout for something better, which i respect but sometimes it may lead you to regret it later on.

Everyone wants to be optimistic, thinking that there is something waiting for them in the distance. The problem is our imagination can give us what we want, but can reality provide that? thats something you have to ask yourself.

Sorry to sound all gloomy, but there are times for optimism and time to look at it rationally. Thats a hard decision dude and my heart goes to you (in a non gay way ) but weigh out all the pros and cons, what is it thats making you want to leave and is the joy she brings in your life worth it.

Anyways Good Luck

[doncalypso]

Originally posted by EVIDENT
...My girlfriend has every quality I would want my wife to have; I just think it?s not the right time. I know if I married her now I would regret it later on. I want to experience other women, by this I don?t just mean sexually. When I do get married I don?t want to wonder what other women are like or if I should have dated more.

I also want to be able to move wherever my career (once I graduate in a few years) takes me without any hindrances.

I believe that if we're truly ment to be together, it will find a way.

So basically, I?ve decided to break up with her. I love her very much and don?t want to hurt her, but I feel like this is something I have to do.

Am I right in deciding this? How should I go about doing so, as to bring as little hurt to each other?...

It has to suck big-time that you feel you must break up with her, but you're the only one who can know for sure what's best for you at this point concerning this issue. As for myself, if I were in your shoes I'd have given it a hell of a lot more thought before making a decision as to whether I'd break up or not because I'm a "one strike, you're out" guy and I don't believe in getting back with someone if the relationship didn't work out in the first place to begin with.

I totally understand and respect your desire to experience other women before you get married so you don't get stuck wondering what else is out there and if you've missed out on something... However you must understand that while you're experiencing other women you'll probably end up developing habits that may become a hindrance if you ever do get back with that one woman you were talking about (or even if you end up marrying someone else).

[EVIDENT]

Originally posted by doncalypso
As for myself, if I were in your shoes I'd have given it a hell of a lot more thought before making a decision as to whether I'd break up or not...

Oh I have, trust me. It's not like I've been feeling this way for a week or so, it's been atleast 3 or 4 months. My best friend geting married just made alot "real", if you know what I mean.

[EVIDENT]

BTW, thanks for all of your suggestions. I appreciate it.

[yakimushi]

I was in a similar boat with my first gf from high school.

We dated for two years in high school and through my freshman year of college. I was 100% convinced that this was going to be the woman I was going to marry.

To make a very long story very short, she cheated on me and we broke up. Since then I've had a couple relationships and another serious long one.

At first I was convinced I would never love again and I had lost the person meant for me. The experience of dating other people has opened my eyes completely. I know now that if I had married this person one of us would be dead by now, the other in jail. It would not have worked.

Its not a bad idea for you to take some time off and get to know some other women. But you should also take the time off to get to know yourself better as well. You will find that you are an entirely different person when you are not emotionally responsible or culpable to your girlfriend.

Everything, and everybody looks different when you discover being single after being attached to someone for so long. You may find that your fears are unwarranted and that you really love this woman.

Good luck, this will not be an easy choice nor an easy path to take. However, it could save the both of you serious grief down the road.

[braindamage351]

You should definitely leave her. Right now you are unsatisfied, and always will be.

That whole "break" thing is total BS. You're just dumping her, and if you can't find anyone better, you go back to your fallback girl.

It's simple. You think you could do better. You want to find someone higher on your ladder out of selfishness. If you screw it up, you preach how you "loved her the whole time" and settle for her. It disgusts me.

[shannon]

i understand. i am in a relationship that started young and has lasted a long time, and you do tend to wonder what else is out there. i made the choice to stick with this path, but i completely respect the choice to follow the other path. i think it is a smart thing to say. and as much as the break up will be hard, i think the reason will make her feel ok with herself because it's such a it's not you, it's me kinda thing.
also, peetster, i think he is respecting her choice, because he's not trying to convince her otherwise and he's not raping her. if he didn't have sex with her and was unhappy and stuck with it, that wouldn't be respectful of his own feelings. and it wouldn't be respecting her because he would be lying to her.

[Dale Kemp]

Aww, just admit that you know, deep inside, that you don't deserve her. So breaking with her now is a way of avoiding the guilt trip you'd have if you married her. And it lets her be free to look for a guy who does deserve her.

You're a mess.

[EVIDENT]

Dale Kemp,

Originally posted by Dale Kemp
Aww, just admit that you know, deep inside, that you don't deserve her. So breaking with her now is a way of avoiding the guilt trip you'd have if you married her. And it lets her be free to look for a guy who does deserve her.

You're a mess.

Thanks for the "constructive" criticism, asshole.

Actually, the whole reason I feel the way I do, is because I want to avoid feeling like this:

Originally posted by Dale Kemp
...if I were a rich man, I'd be sore tempted to have a mistress on the side. Sexually, that would be the greatest.

(the above quote was posted here)

The funny thing is, you call me a "mess" for wanting to avoid something you admittedly would be tempted to do. I wouldn't consider a mistress to be "sexually the greatest", I'd consider it adultery.