Does Love really last forever? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

End User · 05-20-2004, 07:08 AM

I need some advice from the people who have been married, or in a relationship for a reasonably significant amount of time.

My situation is that I've been in a relationship for almost 7 years. Being 25 years young, 7 years is a damn long time.
Anyway, as friends around me start getting married, starting families etc, pressure is starting to mount for the two of us to tie the knot.
Herein lies the problem. I am not afraid of commitment. I just dont think I've found the right woman to commit to.
I dont love her. A few months/years into the relationship, I thought there was something there, that she could potentially be 'The One', but a few more years on, and it's clear she isn't.
I mean, she's great, we hang out everyday, get along really well etc, but I dont love her. She doesn't inspire me, she no longer gives me butterflies, nothing she does makes my heart race.
What I want to know is do these types of feelings wear off with time and familiarity, or is there an emotion so strong and lasting and beautiful that each day you wake up next to them is like the first? Should I break it off to go in search of eternal happiness, or will I be happier in the arms of familiarity?
Can love really last forever, or is it stuff of fairytales, movies and folklore?

maleficent · 05-20-2004, 07:22 AM

My parents have been married 45 years, and not only love each other, but genuinely like one another too.

Loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things. The butterflies and such are part of being in love, that might fade, it might not, I'm not sure. Loving someone to the, gawd I sound like a Hallmark card, to the bottom of your soul, doesn't fade. You know it's right.

There's an 80s "Power Ballad" that has always pretty much summed up my feelings about whether I was in love with someone. From the song, Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse.

Quote:

With you I never wonder - will you be there for me
With you I never wonder - you're the right one for me

If you are wondering, it's not right. When it's right, you just know.

Esco · 05-20-2004, 07:42 AM

Love never wears out, it grows. If you're questioning yourself, you already know the answer.

clockworkgreen · 05-20-2004, 07:53 AM

Agreed. This one has run it's course, and you need to break it off with her so that she doesn't stick around waiting for a ring that's not going to come.

Redgirl · 05-20-2004, 07:55 AM

I'm not sure it's possible to have the "everyday is like the first day" feeling after you've been together for a number of years. I personally think the familiarity is better than the butterflies, because butterflies are all about being nervous and excited about the unknown (IMO) and you can't really have that so much after you've really gotten to know a person inside and out.

What comes after the butterflies should be stronger and more fulfilling. It's about being best friends as well as lovers. After 12 yrs with my SO it's like being able to read each other's minds. To me that is better and more satisfactory than the butterflies I got when he first kissed me.

I think it's OK in a relationship to question if what you feel is love, but you are saying unequivocally you do not love her- there's no question. So it's obviously not the right relationship.

ratbastid · 05-20-2004, 08:28 AM

I completely ditto every word Redgirl said.

Cynthetiq · 05-20-2004, 08:40 AM

DITTO rb

StephenSa · 05-20-2004, 09:52 AM

I agree with several of the others, butterflies and heart racing and all that fade with time and familiarity. In my opinion its true love if you still stay with that person after all the crazy newness wears off. Once your hormones calm down a bit and your emotions aren't being overuled by your sex drive and the excitement of the new you can sit back and see how deep your feelings go. I love my girl because of her strength, her sense of humour and all the things that make her unique. My heart doesn't race the way it did when we first kissed and I don't often get butterflies but when I look in her eyes I know she is the one for me. She is my friend and companion. I tell her my secrets and she tells me hers. We share our lives. We rejoice with each other when things are good and we stand by each other even when things are bad and we are arguing. These are the things I see as love. Sounds like you've already decided you don't love this girl. Perhaps after seven years (it seems you were pretty young when you got together) you have grown apart. Maybe you are destined to just be good friends but before I left the relationship I'd give it a lot of thought and be sure you are in touch with how you really feel. Maybe talk to her as well and see how she perceives your realtionship. Whatever happens I wish you the best.

fallenangel · 05-20-2004, 09:55 AM

walk now... it doesn't have to feel like butterflies every day, but you shouldn't have to wonder. And the fact you've already said it faded and you know she's not the one is a sure enough sign you need some time apart at least.

wilbjammin · 05-20-2004, 10:58 AM

It reminds me of The Stranger, by Albert Camus:

Quote:

[...]That evening Marie came by and asked me if I wanted to marry her. I said that it wouldn't make any difference to me and we could if she wanted to. Then she wanted to know if I loved her. I answered the same way that I had last time, that it probably didn't mean anything but that I probably didn't love her. "So why marry me, then?" she said. I said that it didn't really matter and that if she wanted to, we could get married. Besides, she was the one doing the asking and all I was doing was saying was yes. The she pointed out that marriage was a serious thing. I said, "No."[...]

I consider the decision to marry to be of great importance to me, and love is a huge deciding factor. Mersault in The Stranger did not see anything as relevent - unaware of his decision-making power. Given that you are fully aware and that you know that it isn't right, you probably already know the answer and you just want support from others to justify ending such a long relationship.

Tuffy_McGee · 05-20-2004, 05:47 PM

I think love does last forever.

Viking1064 · 05-22-2004, 06:29 AM

I too think love lasts forever. I am happily married for 15 years. I dated my HS gf for 5 years. She wasn't the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but there is still a part of me that loves her, though I don't want to be with her. The girl after her I dated for almost 2 years and I feel the same about her as my HS gf.

SixEdxMia · 05-22-2004, 06:50 AM

You will always love her.Will you stay? more than likely not.Move on.You already have this thought in your head,and if it never fades and you do marry her you will never forgive her for not being the one.....

*sleepless*

Lasereth · 05-22-2004, 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Redgirl
I'm not sure it's possible to have the "everyday is like the first day" feeling after you've been together for a number of years. I personally think the familiarity is better than the butterflies, because butterflies are all about being nervous and excited about the unknown (IMO) and you can't really have that so much after you've really gotten to know a person inside and out.

What comes after the butterflies should be stronger and more fulfilling. It's about being best friends as well as lovers. After 12 yrs with my SO it's like being able to read each other's minds. To me that is better and more satisfactory than the butterflies I got when he first kissed me.

I think it's OK in a relationship to question if what you feel is love, but you are saying unequivocally you do not love her- there's no question. So it's obviously not the right relationship.

That's it!

-Lasereth

sexymama · 05-23-2004, 08:38 AM

As I've said before, love is a verb not just a feeling. It is a choice to be there, be supportive, be together, build a life, etc. No matter what, it will have its ups and downs. Obviously you have found some pleasuer in being with your SO, or you wouldn't have hung in there 7 years. You can choose to build on what you have and make this love last forever, or, as it appears you've already done, move on. But in the next, and the next, be aware that at some point the butterflies go away and love becomes a choice. (Viking1064, ditto to you.) When you make that choice and you take action, the real fun can begin -- be creative, have fun, and work it. It is worth it when you are with the "one."

Amethyst · 05-23-2004, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sexymama
As I've said before, love is a verb not just a feeling. It is a choice to be there, be supportive, be together, build a life, etc. No matter what, it will have its ups and downs. Obviously you have found some pleasuer in being with your SO, or you wouldn't have hung in there 7 years. You can choose to build on what you have and make this love last forever, Melbourne. But in the next, and the next, be aware that at some point the butterflies go away and love becomes a choice. (Viking1064, ditto to you.) When you make that choice and you take action, the real fun can begin -- be creative, have fun, and work it. It is worth it when you are with the "one."

I agree with everything sexymama said espically that you have already moved on. Love does last forever. I cant' wait to grow old with my husband. I can just imagine us sitting on the front porch swing holding hands. After 6 years of marriage and 9 years of being together I fall more in love with him every day. I can't imagine my life without him. And the day I wake up and I don't have those feelings I know that it is time to move on. I think people today jump into marriage. Very few people take it seriously it's something that is supposed to last forever.

05-23-2004, 11:51 AM

Your question has been answered, and I will reiterate, on a first-hand basis. Especially through all of the difficulties my husband & I have been through, we know that we are soul mates, and best friends, not to mention lovers- and know that we are meant for each other and nothing will break us apart, because our unconditional love is so strong.

Stare At The Sun · 05-23-2004, 01:19 PM

If youre questioning it, i say walk away now. You only got one shot at life, get out while you can, and find someone that you want to spend the rest of your days with.

It might be hard, but some things are..

*Nikki* · 05-23-2004, 06:25 PM

You answered your own question when you said you don't love her.

Its really that simple.

Weezil · 05-25-2004, 01:35 AM

Yes, it just changes forms.

Read "Love" by Leo Buscaglia and all your questions will be answered.

I'm SERIOUS about that!

raeanna74 · 05-25-2004, 08:36 AM

Why did you stick around after the Butterflies went away? The answer to that should tell you if you should get married or not. Did you just stick around for the sex or to avoid confrontation? Or do you genuinely enjoy being with her and your are both best friends?

Love is a choice. There's a basic current of love if you are right for each other but that everyday kind of love that's there even when you don't have butterflys or when they leave their toothpaste in the sink. That's the kind of love you have to choose to have. Your SO is going to piss you off sometimes but if you can still choose to love them, emotionally and actively. THEN you are right for each other.

Love changes, it grows - not in the number of butterflys in your stomach but in it's consistency and inner strength. It's not always easily recognizable. It's when the hardship hits and you get through it and still want to be with your SO that you realize - "That was love keeping me in the game."

Hubby has a serious accident - I didn't want to be anywhere else. Even when we came home and he was so terribly cranky because he had a migrane for over a month - I didn't want to be anywhere else (except for a momentary break). Hubby and I had a falling out and talked about divorce - neither one of us wanted to quit. We talked through things, worked out our differences and decided to love each other and stay together. When I decided I was going to love him anyway is when I realized I already loved him. It sounds wierd but it works.

05-20-2004, 07:08 AM	#1 (permalink)
End User Insane Location: Sydney, Australia	Does Love really last forever? I need some advice from the people who have been married, or in a relationship for a reasonably significant amount of time. My situation is that I've been in a relationship for almost 7 years. Being 25 years young, 7 years is a damn long time. Anyway, as friends around me start getting married, starting families etc, pressure is starting to mount for the two of us to tie the knot. Herein lies the problem. I am not afraid of commitment. I just dont think I've found the right woman to commit to. I dont love her. A few months/years into the relationship, I thought there was something there, that she could potentially be 'The One', but a few more years on, and it's clear she isn't. I mean, she's great, we hang out everyday, get along really well etc, but I dont love her. She doesn't inspire me, she no longer gives me butterflies, nothing she does makes my heart race. What I want to know is do these types of feelings wear off with time and familiarity, or is there an emotion so strong and lasting and beautiful that each day you wake up next to them is like the first? Should I break it off to go in search of eternal happiness, or will I be happier in the arms of familiarity? Can love really last forever, or is it stuff of fairytales, movies and folklore? __________________ People who have no faults are terrible!

05-20-2004, 07:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
Esco Insane	Love never wears out, it grows. If you're questioning yourself, you already know the answer. __________________ The user formerly known as BlingBling

05-20-2004, 07:55 AM	#5 (permalink)
Redgirl Addict Location: Native America	I'm not sure it's possible to have the "everyday is like the first day" feeling after you've been together for a number of years. I personally think the familiarity is better than the butterflies, because butterflies are all about being nervous and excited about the unknown (IMO) and you can't really have that so much after you've really gotten to know a person inside and out. What comes after the butterflies should be stronger and more fulfilling. It's about being best friends as well as lovers. After 12 yrs with my SO it's like being able to read each other's minds. To me that is better and more satisfactory than the butterflies I got when he first kissed me. I think it's OK in a relationship to question if what you feel is love, but you are saying unequivocally you do not love her- there's no question. So it's obviously not the right relationship. __________________ Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

05-20-2004, 08:40 AM	#7 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	DITTO rb __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

05-20-2004, 09:52 AM	#8 (permalink)
StephenSa Psycho Location: Dallas, Texas	I agree with several of the others, butterflies and heart racing and all that fade with time and familiarity. In my opinion its true love if you still stay with that person after all the crazy newness wears off. Once your hormones calm down a bit and your emotions aren't being overuled by your sex drive and the excitement of the new you can sit back and see how deep your feelings go. I love my girl because of her strength, her sense of humour and all the things that make her unique. My heart doesn't race the way it did when we first kissed and I don't often get butterflies but when I look in her eyes I know she is the one for me. She is my friend and companion. I tell her my secrets and she tells me hers. We share our lives. We rejoice with each other when things are good and we stand by each other even when things are bad and we are arguing. These are the things I see as love. Sounds like you've already decided you don't love this girl. Perhaps after seven years (it seems you were pretty young when you got together) you have grown apart. Maybe you are destined to just be good friends but before I left the relationship I'd give it a lot of thought and be sure you are in touch with how you really feel. Maybe talk to her as well and see how she perceives your realtionship. Whatever happens I wish you the best. __________________ Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

05-20-2004, 07:53 AM	#4 (permalink)
clockworkgreen Psycho Location: DC	Agreed. This one has run it's course, and you need to break it off with her so that she doesn't stick around waiting for a ring that's not going to come.

05-20-2004, 08:28 AM	#6 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	I completely ditto every word Redgirl said.

05-20-2004, 09:55 AM	#9 (permalink)
fallenangel soaring Location: near the water	walk now... it doesn't have to feel like butterflies every day, but you shouldn't have to wonder. And the fact you've already said it faded and you know she's not the one is a sure enough sign you need some time apart at least. __________________ all I wanna do is - give the best of me to you

05-20-2004, 05:47 PM	#11 (permalink)
Tuffy_McGee Crazy	I think love does last forever.

05-22-2004, 06:29 AM	#12 (permalink)
Viking1064 Insane Location: New Jersey	I too think love lasts forever. I am happily married for 15 years. I dated my HS gf for 5 years. She wasn't the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but there is still a part of me that loves her, though I don't want to be with her. The girl after her I dated for almost 2 years and I feel the same about her as my HS gf.

05-22-2004, 06:50 AM	#13 (permalink)
SixEdxMia <3 Peetster Location: Peetster's house.	You will always love her.Will you stay? more than likely not.Move on.You already have this thought in your head,and if it never fades and you do marry her you will never forgive her for not being the one..... sleepless __________________ Honey,We're home.

05-23-2004, 08:38 AM	#15 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	As I've said before, love is a verb not just a feeling. It is a choice to be there, be supportive, be together, build a life, etc. No matter what, it will have its ups and downs. Obviously you have found some pleasuer in being with your SO, or you wouldn't have hung in there 7 years. You can choose to build on what you have and make this love last forever, or, as it appears you've already done, move on. But in the next, and the next, be aware that at some point the butterflies go away and love becomes a choice. (Viking1064, ditto to you.) When you make that choice and you take action, the real fun can begin -- be creative, have fun, and work it. It is worth it when you are with the "one." __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

05-23-2004, 11:51 AM	#17 (permalink)
:::OshnSoul::: Guest	Your question has been answered, and I will reiterate, on a first-hand basis. Especially through all of the difficulties my husband & I have been through, we know that we are soul mates, and best friends, not to mention lovers- and know that we are meant for each other and nothing will break us apart, because our unconditional love is so strong.

05-23-2004, 01:19 PM	#18 (permalink)
Stare At The Sun Eh? Location: Somewhere over the rainbow	If youre questioning it, i say walk away now. You only got one shot at life, get out while you can, and find someone that you want to spend the rest of your days with. It might be hard, but some things are..

05-23-2004, 06:25 PM	#19 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	You answered your own question when you said you don't love her. Its really that simple.

05-25-2004, 01:35 AM	#20 (permalink)
Weezil Tilted Location: Deep in Jersey	Yes, it just changes forms. Read "Love" by Leo Buscaglia and all your questions will be answered. I'm SERIOUS about that!

05-25-2004, 08:36 AM	#21 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Why did you stick around after the Butterflies went away? The answer to that should tell you if you should get married or not. Did you just stick around for the sex or to avoid confrontation? Or do you genuinely enjoy being with her and your are both best friends? Love is a choice. There's a basic current of love if you are right for each other but that everyday kind of love that's there even when you don't have butterflys or when they leave their toothpaste in the sink. That's the kind of love you have to choose to have. Your SO is going to piss you off sometimes but if you can still choose to love them, emotionally and actively. THEN you are right for each other. Love changes, it grows - not in the number of butterflys in your stomach but in it's consistency and inner strength. It's not always easily recognizable. It's when the hardship hits and you get through it and still want to be with your SO that you realize - "That was love keeping me in the game." Hubby has a serious accident - I didn't want to be anywhere else. Even when we came home and he was so terribly cranky because he had a migrane for over a month - I didn't want to be anywhere else (except for a momentary break). Hubby and I had a falling out and talked about divorce - neither one of us wanted to quit. We talked through things, worked out our differences and decided to love each other and stay together. When I decided I was going to love him anyway is when I realized I already loved him. It sounds wierd but it works. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.