Pacifier

I know its not really sexuality but I think it fits here the best and there have been a lot of posting in this direction already (perhaps time for tilted relationships?)

actually its not problem with, its mostly problems starting a relationship or finding a woman at all.

first, I'm alone for almost 10 years now, I'm 28. so i spend my so called "best years" alone.
Last summer I met this girl, Ina, we met in a bar during a user meeting of a german forum.
We talked a bit and I felt that she was somewhat interested in me. So the next week we talked a bit via ICQ and we met again that weekend. Over the next month we met every weekend, we kissed, slept in the same bed (nothing happend, just some cuddeling) and to most of our friends we already looked like a couple (some even asked how long we have been together). so all in all we were pretty close, or at least I thought.

The only thing that was missing for me was some certainty about the situation. for some odd reason we hadn't much deep talks. for me the whole situation was so new, i loved it, i loved to be with her. But I also didn't knew what to do next, what I could do to make it a "real" relationship. So i also felt very uncertain, almost afraid about the situation, I was afraid of loosing her, I though if I do nothing she will be gone. But I also feared if I do too much she will be gone also. Sadly I didn't managed to talk about me feelings, but on the other hand she also didn't talked.

So in me desperation I wrote the terrible three words (I love you) in her guestbook (a real one not an online thing). That scared her, she said that we didn't know each other so well (was dating her for more than 1.5 month at that point), that we didn't had any intensive talks. I though these world could clear the things between us, I really though she was also in love with me (there were so many little thing the made me think that). But my confession scared her away. She had a lot of really bad relationships in the past (friends that cheated on her, that have beaten her. "the whole programm"...)
So she was afraid of a new relationship, she said she felt more that just sympathy for me but not enough to love me, not enough to overcome her fear about a relationship. We decided to get to know each other more, but she still retreated. Our weeky dates stopped. Since I'm very shy I didn't managed to talk to her much and she, like I said, retreated.
Finally we decided to just be friends (Oh, how I hate these word "lets just be friends"), it worked at first. To me it was clear that I don't want to loose her, even without a relationship she was (and still is) a very important person to me. But it didn't worked too well, After a month or two I had these idea that it was all my fault, that I was too close-mouthed and that I somehow have to proove her that a relationship could actually work. So when we were at a bar with a couple of friends I tried to be close to her to talk to her, she, of course noticed. And due to my inexperience my efforts were merely laughable and very clumsy.
She felt cramped, felt I was was trying to get too close. Which somehow I can understand, that try was another of my mistakes. So she decided not to meet me for some time.
Well, we met 3 days ago and it was pure hell for me, I simply didn't know what to do or what to say. We didn't talked much, I gave her her birthday present, and that almost was it.

On a "brighter" side, all this has brought up some old problems of me, I thought I had my depressions under control but I realised that I just ignored them that they were still there, stronger than I though. And they now came back to get me (also a thing she most certainly doen't like and is somewhat afraid of). and the bright part is, I finally decided to find some professional help which i something very cool for me since I hate doctors and especially psychologists.

Now I don't know what to do, there are so many fears and thoughts in my head it feels that it is going to explode. I still quarrel with my mistakes, I know that communication is vital for a relationship but still I wasn't able to do so. How stupid is that? I know what to do but fail to do so? There were so many situations were I could have asked just a simple question to bring a conversation up. But I failed. This makes me mad, This makes me hate me.
I also don't know what to think about her, I'm wondering about her feelings. in one second she claimes she feels more that just sympathy and in the next moment it is all gone? she even wondered why I still have feelings for her, she thought it was all finished, but I can't just shut off my feelings. I wish i could but i can't.
I know she seeks a friend who knows how to have relationship, who "knows what he is doing". But I'm a bit disappointed that she didn't even tried, I think we would have learned and help each other a lot.
I don't know what to do know, I fear to loose her but I still have feelings for her. I don't what to be alone, I have fears that I will be alone forever. I feel empty and I'm afraid that someday I don't have the power to get back on my feet. I'm tired of that.
She offered my help with my depressions, she said i can call when I'm feeling bad, but I'm feeling bad every day and I don't want to call her because it would seem like a allegation (hey, look I'm feeling bad because of YOU)
I'm afraid that I always will be the good friend, she told my that I',m a wonderful person, a great guy, something special. but it seems that I'm not "good" enough for a relationship. I'm afraid that i will stay this way.
I don't know how to act when shes around, I know I should act just like me, just normal. But at the moment there is too much stuff in me, I don't know who I'am, how I'am.
I don't know what my future brings, but I'm afraid of it.


(I hope there are not too much grammar and spelling errors in my text)

__________________
"It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death
— Albert Einstein

bermuDa

that was a lot to digest. I'd feel bad if I read all that without responding...

From what it seems, you both had a major communication error. It seems like the relationship was budding at best, considering she has had all these bad experiences in her past, and you are a bit inexperienced with relationships. You had no major discussions about the nature of your relationship and where it was heading before you plunged into unknown waters and told her you loved her.

Did you know about her past relationships before you told her this?

If so then you realize it was foolish of you do throw that out there... and if you didn't then how could you say you loved her when you didn't even know about her past experiences?

The most apparent problem was the total lack of communication from the getgo. This wasn't your fault solely. As you said, she wasn't talking either. Maybe it was that you two weren't very communicative that made her comfortable; she felt safe from getting hurt in an ambiguous/non-serious relationship. But you felt as if you need to get these feelings for her out, and you confessed your love for her... but not in person. This is probably not the best thing to write down.. (I understand you're shy, but that's a huge leap in a relationship and should be conducted in person).

Considering your feelings now and the way this girl has retreated, I'd say the best thing for the both of you is to spend some time apart. Although she's trying to extend the arm of friendship by offering to let you call her when you need, it seems that she wants her space, and you should take this opportunity to lick your wounds and do some healing. Concentrate on something else, don't worry so much about being alone because it'll only happen if you keep fretting about it. Depression isn't terribly attractive, being mopey and lamenting your single life is a self-fulfilling prophecy, cause you'll be too busy worrying about mistakes you've made and ones you might make to go have fun and maybe meet a girl who is compatable with you.

Next time try to hold the reigns back on the emotional confessions. Get to know her! Find out all you can. Get to the point where you can maybe predict what her reaction would be. Don't just blurt stuff out that might scare her off, "I love you" is a bad choice of words to fill an awkward silence. Try telling her you feel comfortable with her, and see if she reciprocates.

You also might want to consider how other people define the word "love". Not everyone sees it the same way. While it might seem like nothing for some people, others might find it a scary proposition (as this girl seems to) and run the other way.

__________________
I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

doncalypso

No offense, bro... but telling her you loved her after just one month was a very big mistake.

You should never ever tell a woman those three words first. If you do, she might respond just because that's what's expected but you'll never know for sure if she means it. But if you wait for her to say those three words first, chances are that she definitely means it.


Oh well... teh damage is done, my best advice to you would be to keep your distance and move on. Obviously she has her own demons to face and you shouldn't have to deal with that. Maybe the day she's ready for a serious relationship you could look her up, but I doubt it's ever gonna happen anytime soon, so you'd be better off forgetting about her and move on with your life, son.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Kryptik

This may not apply to you, but I have found that a lot of the time after a long break in between relationships, people are more enamorated with the relationship itself then the person they are in the relationship with. It is great to experience those feelings again after being without them for so long. After such a short amount of time knowing this girl, I would think it is unlikely that you really know this girl well enough to really love her, although when it comes to love stranger things have happened. As tough as it is, I think the best thing to do is to forget about a relationship with her. At this point, that will probably mean a clean break, since it is hard to remain friends with someone you still have feelings with. Maybe in the future, a frienship will be a viable option, but at this point it seems some time away from her would be best (again, just my .02).

My advice would be to take what you've learned from this experience and apply it to the future. The next time you have the opportunity to start up a conversation, do it, don't just sit there thinking you should. Keep the communication lines open and flowing from the beginning. We've all made mistakes and fucked up some relationships. The key is to get back out and give it another shot. Don't get down on yourself and let another ten years go by.

Pacifier

First, Thanks for all your replies.

Yes that seems to be true, we're both a bit aggrieved when it comes to relationships. So there was never a real chance maybe.

A bit, but not in details. We had a major conversation after i told her. Needless to say that made me feel really stupuid.

What made me push forward were my good feelings about this, I felt so secure, safe and confidence when I was around her and felt the same, I know that. All this made me optimistic that this could work, normally I'm very pessimistic, but with her I though it could work. I panicked, I though I had to do something but didn't knew what.

In the past I had the feeling that I was too passive, that I didn't showed the girls that I was interested, it seems this time I made the exact opposite error.

Yes, I know that. It is kind of hard, but probably the best thing to do.


Yeah, I don't have to, but I want to, to help her to overcome those demons. Not for me but for her.

I don't want to forget her. I want to try to be just me around her, perhaps to show her that I'm still there, and perhaps some day....
but I'm afraid that are just dreams.


Yes, thats what I' trying to tell me, but I'm not listening.
I try to say "hey that was a great time, you made mistakes, learn and move on" but I somehow can't.
I still pull me down for making that stupid mistake, and that is a habit I have to overcome I know. I still think "hmm, perhaps you can make up for that, after all we shared good feelings and perhaps that could come back"
How I wish that I could turn back the time.

Yes I know. Somehow I know all this but fail to do it.


hard to do, I'm so afraid of another missed chance, I don't want to fall down again. I find it hard and exhausting to stand up again and rebuild up all my broken defences.

__________________
"It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death
— Albert Einstein