Pacifier

I know its not really sexuality but I think it fits here the best and there have been a lot of posting in this direction already (perhaps time for tilted relationships?)

actually its not problem with, its mostly problems starting a relationship or finding a woman at all.

first, I'm alone for almost 10 years now, I'm 28. so i spend my so called "best years" alone.
Last summer I met this girl, Ina, we met in a bar during a user meeting of a german forum.
We talked a bit and I felt that she was somewhat interested in me. So the next week we talked a bit via ICQ and we met again that weekend. Over the next month we met every weekend, we kissed, slept in the same bed (nothing happend, just some cuddeling) and to most of our friends we already looked like a couple (some even asked how long we have been together). so all in all we were pretty close, or at least I thought.

The only thing that was missing for me was some certainty about the situation. for some odd reason we hadn't much deep talks. for me the whole situation was so new, i loved it, i loved to be with her. But I also didn't knew what to do next, what I could do to make it a "real" relationship. So i also felt very uncertain, almost afraid about the situation, I was afraid of loosing her, I though if I do nothing she will be gone. But I also feared if I do too much she will be gone also. Sadly I didn't managed to talk about me feelings, but on the other hand she also didn't talked.

So in me desperation I wrote the terrible three words (I love you) in her guestbook (a real one not an online thing). That scared her, she said that we didn't know each other so well (was dating her for more than 1.5 month at that point), that we didn't had any intensive talks. I though these world could clear the things between us, I really though she was also in love with me (there were so many little thing the made me think that). But my confession scared her away. She had a lot of really bad relationships in the past (friends that cheated on her, that have beaten her. "the whole programm"...)
So she was afraid of a new relationship, she said she felt more that just sympathy for me but not enough to love me, not enough to overcome her fear about a relationship. We decided to get to know each other more, but she still retreated. Our weeky dates stopped. Since I'm very shy I didn't managed to talk to her much and she, like I said, retreated.
Finally we decided to just be friends (Oh, how I hate these word "lets just be friends"), it worked at first. To me it was clear that I don't want to loose her, even without a relationship she was (and still is) a very important person to me. But it didn't worked too well, After a month or two I had these idea that it was all my fault, that I was too close-mouthed and that I somehow have to proove her that a relationship could actually work. So when we were at a bar with a couple of friends I tried to be close to her to talk to her, she, of course noticed. And due to my inexperience my efforts were merely laughable and very clumsy.
She felt cramped, felt I was was trying to get too close. Which somehow I can understand, that try was another of my mistakes. So she decided not to meet me for some time.
Well, we met 3 days ago and it was pure hell for me, I simply didn't know what to do or what to say. We didn't talked much, I gave her her birthday present, and that almost was it.

On a "brighter" side, all this has brought up some old problems of me, I thought I had my depressions under control but I realised that I just ignored them that they were still there, stronger than I though. And they now came back to get me (also a thing she most certainly doen't like and is somewhat afraid of). and the bright part is, I finally decided to find some professional help which i something very cool for me since I hate doctors and especially psychologists.

Now I don't know what to do, there are so many fears and thoughts in my head it feels that it is going to explode. I still quarrel with my mistakes, I know that communication is vital for a relationship but still I wasn't able to do so. How stupid is that? I know what to do but fail to do so? There were so many situations were I could have asked just a simple question to bring a conversation up. But I failed. This makes me mad, This makes me hate me.
I also don't know what to think about her, I'm wondering about her feelings. in one second she claimes she feels more that just sympathy and in the next moment it is all gone? she even wondered why I still have feelings for her, she thought it was all finished, but I can't just shut off my feelings. I wish i could but i can't.
I know she seeks a friend who knows how to have relationship, who "knows what he is doing". But I'm a bit disappointed that she didn't even tried, I think we would have learned and help each other a lot.
I don't know what to do know, I fear to loose her but I still have feelings for her. I don't what to be alone, I have fears that I will be alone forever. I feel empty and I'm afraid that someday I don't have the power to get back on my feet. I'm tired of that.
She offered my help with my depressions, she said i can call when I'm feeling bad, but I'm feeling bad every day and I don't want to call her because it would seem like a allegation (hey, look I'm feeling bad because of YOU)
I'm afraid that I always will be the good friend, she told my that I',m a wonderful person, a great guy, something special. but it seems that I'm not "good" enough for a relationship. I'm afraid that i will stay this way.
I don't know how to act when shes around, I know I should act just like me, just normal. But at the moment there is too much stuff in me, I don't know who I'am, how I'am.
I don't know what my future brings, but I'm afraid of it.


(I hope there are not too much grammar and spelling errors in my text)

__________________
"It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death
— Albert Einstein