ToothpicksMcgee

...or maybe a bit of reassuring.

I've met tons of girls and I've been left broken hearted everytime in the past year, but recently I have met one girl that I just can't afford to fuck things up with. I'm not even going out with her yet. This is how my story goes.

We currently attend the same college..met in the same class. We have the same class about twice a week. At first, she seemed just like another girl sitting 3 rows from me and I was love and emotion-free at that time. This was the start of the fresh new year afterall and I had ridden myself of all the shit from last year and made a new individual out of myself. This girl, she's unlike people I've met before, and I don't just say this because I adopted a new perspective of her, but simply put we think much alike, we love the same things and have similar opinions. I've always loved to be with someone like that, that shares the same interests.

It started because I made a new friend in that class which just happened to be sitting next to her, and we had alot of teamwork to do on assignments and all that, so I had to move from the back of the class to where he was sitting...and next to the girl. I had yet to pay attention to her, until she started positively commenting on my looks. I don't know why, but I get interested in people that are interested in me, and she's cute too, so I decided to go along with it. I never gave it much consideration though, I thought it was just playful and I had yet to know anything about her. Until...

4 weeks ago. After 3 weeks, I wanted to know her madly. She's kind of punk-ish and has her natural beauty exposed. I took a chance and asked her out to a punk-rock show I was looking forward to but had no one to go with. She immidiately approved and offered me her number. This was cool, I got a girl's number successfully. So I decided that instead of waiting another 4 weeks, I called her and asked that we meet at school to get to know eachother. When we finally were supposed to meet at school, she was late and I was already gone and we never spent that time together. I found out that she had a boyfriend TUM TUH DUM. But they broke up 2 weeks ago(it didn't last long from what I heard). Meanwhile, she's still giving me tons of attention in class and after class and etc. It's all good, I thought, now I could have her for myself. She made it up for me and instead we met after class somewhere, and that is when I discovered that this was THE girl. I was overwhelmed like never before.

So, the day of the rock concert has come, and it is tonight. But she's not going. Yesterday she learned that her friend's mom commited suicide and the funeral would be held today. This is actually true as far as I can tell. She would never miss the concert as she already had her ticket before I even asked her... I don't doubt this scenario. But tonight meant alot to me, as I was planning on declaring my love for her, but I should've expected the worse as these kind of things seem to always happen to me. What bothers me even more is that she stormed out of class so fast yesterday and never said goodbye. I caught up to her at her locker, but only to give back a cd she lent me the week before, as an excuse to see her. I was there, but I had nothing to say. She looked at me and said she was sorry she couldn't be there with me, but I could not find the strenght to say anything. Instead I smiled faintly for a second and left. It's not her fault I supose, but I felt unsatisfied without any means to an end.

So I go home and I am devastated, because my plans are ruined or was it because she left so bluntly as if it didn't really matter? I couldn't tell what I was disapointed about, but I left my anger dented on my locker door. I came home and.. well I decided to call her and left a message with her mom because she had soccer practice. She never called me back. I am confused. I doubt it was unintentional.

All I know now is that she likes me, and I like her, and that she is slightly bipolar. She wanted to go to this concert, she would never miss it. I just don't know what it means, that she didn't call back or whatever, or that she smiled at me and acted playful yesterday before she left and all seemed good... I don't even make any sense. I want to write her a letter. I won't even see her until next tuesday and after that we have a week's vacation. Should I let her know exactly what I feel and how close I was going to do what I was about to do tonight? I can't say things properly and I don't see another way of letting her know any other way anytime soon. Am I overreacting? Is writing a letter a cheesy and stupid thing to do? Should I still go to the concert by myself?

onetime2

Relax, take a deep breath, and DON'T write a letter. Obviously you're not quite clear on what you want to do so writing a letter which reflects that wouldn't help, rather it would probably hurt the situation.

Now, go to the concert and enjoy it. Next time you see her, tell her it was a great concert but it would have been a lot better if you got to enjoy it with her. Rather than making these big future plans, ask her to do something next week when you see her and make it that night or in the next couple of days so there aren't so many things that could get in the way.

Don't get crazy and tell her that she's the one before you've even really had a date! The odds are it will come across as weird or psycho.

Let things progress at their own pace, don't try to force things. Relax and have fun.

__________________
Strive to be more curious than ignorant.

Dale Kemp

You young people are so living in the moment, without any ability to see a broader picture, or with a little distance. Wow. I remember the incredible intensity of that, but the hurts are intense as well.

Guy, she had to go to the funeral, and support her friend. You should have been big about it and gone with her. Then she'd have learned you had heart and cared. It would have created a real connection, not just a lust thing.

But you didn't really have that much heart, or whatever. You wanted a life that is "all good" as you say. So you go to the concert without her, and she learns that you're shallow. The beauty of this is, she found out right away, before getting deeply involved with you.

So it's all good anyway.

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Trueheart

Forsaken

I agree with onetime2 completely. Take it slow and let things progress. You have plenty of time, and getting to know each other over time will either strengthen your feelings or weaken them. Its better to find out if time will strengthen them or weaken them before you express your initial feelings.

I aggree with Dale somewhat; she did have to go to the funeral, and support her firend and you could have offered to go along to support her, but I don't think that not offering is a bad thing at all. Just make sure that you let her know that you understand why she had to skip the concert and that you would be happy to go out in the next couple of days. You are not shallow because you did not offer to go, after all you have only known her for a month or so.

Just take it slow and easy it will all work out in the end.

ToothpicksMcgee

well, I never said I wanted a life that's "all good", and I asked her if it was anybody I knew who's mom died.. asking to go with her to the funeral would be even weirder no? I mean, seeing as only met like 3 people on her side and all. Also, I did'nt go yet and I don't know if I should. If I go and tell her it was good but would've been great if she would have been there, you say it makes me a shallow person. I thought about this too. Would it seem like the honorable thing to do to not go?

Obviously, the responses to my post are mixed.

Forsaken

If you will have a good time still at the concert go. It does not make you shallow! Tell her truthfully how the concert was and let her know that you would have enjoyed it even more if she was there to experience it with you.

noahfor

I'd write the letter. If I hadn't written Email letters I wouldn't be going out with my girlfriend now.

onetime2

No it doesn't make you shallow. I might have offered to go with her to the funeral but it wasn't inappropriate for you not to offer.

I can't stress this enough... go to the concert. There's no sense in you missing it. By not going you may even cause her to feel guilty about it.

__________________
Strive to be more curious than ignorant.

ToothpicksMcgee

yes perhaps you and forsaken are right.. I don't want to make her feel guilty for something she had to do. Actually, I think if I act accordingly that I can push things forward maybe with another date sometime in the future. I guess I'll see how things progress next week and see what her reaction is.

yeah, I should just relax..this is silly? And yeah..a letter would seem like a desperate move now that I think of it.

Skettios

Beware of one-itis. There are a lot of girls out there!

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Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Frederich Nietzsche

onetime2

Not really silly, just emotion-filled. We all get a little weird when a nerve is struck.

I would say have a plan for next week though. If you're going to see her Tuesday, have a "spur of the moment" thing to invite her to after you ask how she's doing. Perhaps a "By the way, I'm heading to XXXXX tonight, do you want to come? You need to have some fun."

__________________
Strive to be more curious than ignorant.

ToothpicksMcgee

yes.. that's good. im planning on seeing another show 2 weeks from now I'm sure she would enjoy as much as I. I think I'll invite her.

I do enjoy the "spur of the moment" act. thank you very much for the advice, I feel..better actually.

onetime2

No problem. Been there done that someone stole the tshirt from me.

__________________
Strive to be more curious than ignorant.

shannon

i think it actually makes a lot of sense that you didn't ask to go to the funeral. it could have been really nice, but if you don't know her that well it might not have been that great. i mean she's trying to be there for her friend, you might have kinda been in the way.
i think you should just relax and be yourself. take things slow, i have found it to work really well. just think to yoursefl that if this girl is the one that you guys will have lots of time to spend together. not to say that i don't understand that you want to impress her and see her a lot.
you sound like a sweet guy and i'm sure you two will hit it off. i mean you cared enough to ask all of us for help and worry this much about what to do. i think that says a lot.
keep us posted

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"When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"

bermuDa

I see you have a tendency to jump in with both feet, from "I've met tons of girls and I've been left broken hearted everytime in the past year," to a month after meeting the girl: "and that is when I discovered that this was THE girl. I was overwhelmed like never before."

You seem to be taking yourself for quite the rollercoaster ride. Calm down and curb the excessive emotions. If you like this girl it's not a crime to tell her so, or try to make plans for the near future. But it's a bit early to be professing your love for her.

as for the concert, I would've gone and recorded it for her, I think that would make a good gift.

one question though... what college has lockers? I've seen them in PE and music buildings, but not for the general student body...

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I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

NotMinus

The pedistral syndrome is the worst thing you could have. Everyone experiences it at some point, no matter how much you know about her you have dated once now? twice? and you were "hanging out"? Do not continue by "declaring [your] love for her" it is going to scare her away and make you look like a desperate kid. Why did you even decide to wait a month to go on a date? a woman isn't constantly avalible, in those four weeks she could have met someone else. My advice may be harsh but you need to call her now, not write a letter and comfort her and get a date with her for tonight or tomorrow.

ToothpicksMcgee

thank you for the replies, it's very helpful.

by the way, i did go to the concert tonight, and I thought of her as I was buying a tshirt after I saw the band(I always buy a shirt or a cd, etc) and I got her a little something. It's not much, but I know she loves them more than I do. I had alot of fun though.

For now I'll just, like bermuda suggested, relaaax. I''m all cooled down at the moment and I think stuff will turn out okay.

As for the locker question.. in canada, college is alot like high school and there are no dorms.

Funnel

These things take time just relax and hope things continue to go in the right direction. Drastic measures will only help to speed bad comings

evilbeefchan

This post reminds me of myself about 3 years ago! I used to have a huge crush on this girl for 10 years (yes, a whole decade), and decided to finally tell her how I feel on Valentines Day. Problem was, I had not spoken to her for 5 years, and I blindly jumped in expecting a relationship out of it. I didn't know how relationships worked. I spent so long dreaming and obsessing about her that it clouded my judgement, and I had started to believe in my own dreams. It goes without saying that she was genuinely shocked, but she was nice about the whole thing. We went on one date, which turned out to be a total disaster. We spent the whole night looking at the floor and away from each other. We had nothing to talk about. Conversations ended before they ever began.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to let your relationship together progress naturally over time. There is no reason to rush into things, especially at such a young age. And I still consider anything under 40 to be young. Go out and have fun. I found this difficult to believe myself, but there are actually other girls out there. Other girls who you may possibly enjoy more than her. I don't doubt that this girl must be amazing, since she obviuosly has you so stressed out. But why would you want that kind of stress on you?

And please keep us posted!! I wish everything goes well!

ToothpicksMcgee

Thanks, and you are right..sometimes I get carried away myself, but 10 years..I cannot possibly imagine. I mean, I might go a week without seeing the person I like and I start twitching and sweating.

Anyway, as promised about keeping you guys posted..well, I ended up going to the concert without her ofcourse. I thought of her frequently and how I wish she was there and I couldn't walk away from that night without bringing a piece of it back to her. I sent her a small gift through her best friend with a brief note inside that said "it was great, but the best part was missing... you." Just to let her know that I had her on my mind.

The day she got it(at school), I came down the stairs and saw her running at me and she hugged me for a few seconds. We talked a bit and she seemed happier than ever..I felt amazing. We had class together later the same day. It was the day before our easter break.

After class, we came out of class together, but I started walking ahead of her and she came along as I wanted to notice if she'd follow. She had to wait until 6 and so did I before I would part home. We sat together and we went for ice cream..apparently one of her favorite things to do. On our way to the parlour she bruised her hand on a stair handle and I asked her for it and kissed it where she got hurt... and we held on until we got to our destination. We went back to school and hadn't really had a real conversation yet, but her smile did most of the talking.

Once we got there, some of her friends showed up and she told me to wait for her. I waited..and waited and I waited so long that I started to think she just went home. So I grabbed my stuff and went too because the last train was waiting for me. On my way to the subway, I see her at the entrance with her best friend having a pretty serious conversation and she did not seem well even though she told me the opposite. I tried to slip in a longer goodbye but they insisted on finishing discussing their issues. As I turned she said "we'll talk about it over the break.." doing a phone gesture with her hand. It was all cool and I was on my merry way.

Now I am sitting here ruminating on if I should just be the one to call her or let her try to call me and see if she's really interested. I'm interested also in knowing what happened that day, seeing as we left in a rather sour note. She's a busy girl... has many hobbies, a part time job, soccer pratice, etc. All of this stuff happened tuesday by the way..so should I call her? I read somewhere the rule of thumb was three times and then play the chase or something. Is it?

Thank you for reading the ramblings of a madman so patiently.

Menoman

Hey don't forget to let us know how this turns out man..

I'm hopin for a happy ending! Don't leave us hanging!

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Johnny Rotten

Woooooaaaah there, chief, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I followed the rest of the thread to see if you had done that, and I'm glad you didn't. This is usually a sure-fire way to creep a girl out. Other ways are standing outside her room at night, writing her manic poetry, and impulsively buying her gifts. You may think she's the most amazing thing since sliced bread, but believe me, that's often just a mental space you get swept up in when somebody really clicks with you. Keep the fire on that kettle low, because there's already more than enough heat to cook the soup, from the sound of things.

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"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

evilbeefchan

I'm not really sure if those "rules" apply to everyone. Give her a ring at a reasonable time when you might be able to catch her. Don't call too much, of course. If you get the machine, leave a nice, easy "breezy" message. I know this is common sense type stuff, but sometimes common sense likes to slip away when you really need it most.

Or maybe you can send her emails/IM/postcards/etc. Does she have a cellphone? Details, man! Details!