ToothpicksMcgee

...or maybe a bit of reassuring.

I've met tons of girls and I've been left broken hearted everytime in the past year, but recently I have met one girl that I just can't afford to fuck things up with. I'm not even going out with her yet. This is how my story goes.

We currently attend the same college..met in the same class. We have the same class about twice a week. At first, she seemed just like another girl sitting 3 rows from me and I was love and emotion-free at that time. This was the start of the fresh new year afterall and I had ridden myself of all the shit from last year and made a new individual out of myself. This girl, she's unlike people I've met before, and I don't just say this because I adopted a new perspective of her, but simply put we think much alike, we love the same things and have similar opinions. I've always loved to be with someone like that, that shares the same interests.

It started because I made a new friend in that class which just happened to be sitting next to her, and we had alot of teamwork to do on assignments and all that, so I had to move from the back of the class to where he was sitting...and next to the girl. I had yet to pay attention to her, until she started positively commenting on my looks. I don't know why, but I get interested in people that are interested in me, and she's cute too, so I decided to go along with it. I never gave it much consideration though, I thought it was just playful and I had yet to know anything about her. Until...

4 weeks ago. After 3 weeks, I wanted to know her madly. She's kind of punk-ish and has her natural beauty exposed. I took a chance and asked her out to a punk-rock show I was looking forward to but had no one to go with. She immidiately approved and offered me her number. This was cool, I got a girl's number successfully. So I decided that instead of waiting another 4 weeks, I called her and asked that we meet at school to get to know eachother. When we finally were supposed to meet at school, she was late and I was already gone and we never spent that time together. I found out that she had a boyfriend TUM TUH DUM. But they broke up 2 weeks ago(it didn't last long from what I heard). Meanwhile, she's still giving me tons of attention in class and after class and etc. It's all good, I thought, now I could have her for myself. She made it up for me and instead we met after class somewhere, and that is when I discovered that this was THE girl. I was overwhelmed like never before.

So, the day of the rock concert has come, and it is tonight. But she's not going. Yesterday she learned that her friend's mom commited suicide and the funeral would be held today. This is actually true as far as I can tell. She would never miss the concert as she already had her ticket before I even asked her... I don't doubt this scenario. But tonight meant alot to me, as I was planning on declaring my love for her, but I should've expected the worse as these kind of things seem to always happen to me. What bothers me even more is that she stormed out of class so fast yesterday and never said goodbye. I caught up to her at her locker, but only to give back a cd she lent me the week before, as an excuse to see her. I was there, but I had nothing to say. She looked at me and said she was sorry she couldn't be there with me, but I could not find the strenght to say anything. Instead I smiled faintly for a second and left. It's not her fault I supose, but I felt unsatisfied without any means to an end.

So I go home and I am devastated, because my plans are ruined or was it because she left so bluntly as if it didn't really matter? I couldn't tell what I was disapointed about, but I left my anger dented on my locker door. I came home and.. well I decided to call her and left a message with her mom because she had soccer practice. She never called me back. I am confused. I doubt it was unintentional.

All I know now is that she likes me, and I like her, and that she is slightly bipolar. She wanted to go to this concert, she would never miss it. I just don't know what it means, that she didn't call back or whatever, or that she smiled at me and acted playful yesterday before she left and all seemed good... I don't even make any sense. I want to write her a letter. I won't even see her until next tuesday and after that we have a week's vacation. Should I let her know exactly what I feel and how close I was going to do what I was about to do tonight? I can't say things properly and I don't see another way of letting her know any other way anytime soon. Am I overreacting? Is writing a letter a cheesy and stupid thing to do? Should I still go to the concert by myself?