John Henry

My girlfriend of over a year phoned me up tonight to tell me she snogged her best friend at university last night. I knew from the tone of her voice that she was going to tell me she had cheated on me, but I was very suprised when she said it was with another girl. For some reason, this made me much less jealous than if it had been with a man.

She has never cheated on me before (as far as I know) but only last week I started getting paranoid that she might have and confronted her on the matter.

I know that when this happened, she was pretty much as drunk as she's ever been and when she told me about it today, she was really really upset. She said they had been playing spin the bottle with pecks on the cheek and that she had got a bit carried away/done it for a laugh/done it because she needed some affection.

I told her that I could forgive her, because it didn't really bother me somehow and in a strange way, I trust her more now that I know she was able to talk to me about this.

In my heart I have forgiven her and I trust her, but my head is telling me otherwise. Do I need to worry about this? Could it mean that she's been cheating on me with blokes, but not telling me? Should I pursue the issue or let it lie? Does anyone here have experience of a similar situation? I would particularly appreciate a female perspective on this, but any advice is appreciated.

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motdakasha

Coming from a nontraditional point of view of commitment, I don't think you need to take a kiss too seriously. That's just my opinion, though. I have no doubt that some people are probably going to tell you to leave her because she broke the contract of commitment.

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pinklily

I am really impressed with how you are handling this. I was on the girl side of a situation a little like this once and my boyfriend wouldn't forgive me for what seemed like forever, which only made the situation much worse.

Skettios

Actually bro, if she was wasted, and that's the worst that she did, then you're all set. I would be a little upset, but I would also be pretty pleased that she didn't use alcohol as an excuse to go out and bang another guy. Plus she told you straight out what she did! That's always a good thing.

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TM875

This sounds like a perfect excuse to have a threesome, in my opinion.

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AlCap0wn

Three-way freeway ahead, please merge left.

She was drunk, it was her best friend, it was a girl, and she only kissed her to get a rise out of the other partygoers. The only reason you have to be angry at her is because you weren't there to see it.

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World's King

Wait... she made out with another girl while playing spin-the-bottle drunk?

That's not cheating... that's fuckng hot. See if you can get her to do again when you're around. There is no reason for either of you to be upset... spin-the-bottle never counts as cheating. Okay, unless you fuck someone else but those aren't the rules of spin-the-bottle. You two are young... have fun... make out with people...

Maybe you need to make out with a guy now.

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Rodney

I would just not worry about this. When I read the title, I thought you meant that they went to bed together. Listen to your heart on this one.

taylorspl

Yea you have nothing to worry about, well unless she goes flipmode on you.

John Henry

Thanks guys, you've helped to put my mind at ease a lot.

I have wondered whether, as a couple of you suggested, it might be worth exploring the possibility of a threesome, but then it occured to me that that could have consequences for our relationship, such as her getting jealous of the other girl, or feeling uncomfortable with herself, or worst, deciding she likes her friend more. Also, I wouldn't really know the best way to broach the subject.

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"No one was behaving from very Buddhist motives. Then, thought Pigsy, he was hardly a Buddha, nor was he a monkey. Presently, he was a pig spirit changed into a little girl pretending to be a little boy to be offered to a water monster. It was all very simple to a pig spirit."

Jam

arch13

Sorry to be the naysayer here John,

But is she's done it once, what is to stop her from doing it again?
The gender is rather irrelavant, it's that she stepped over a line, a known paramenter of a relationship, without it bothering her enough to stop her.
That's a fundamental loss in trust and I rather think that the gender is irrelevant.
As the saying often goes, "S/He cheated once, what will stop them from doing it again?". Once your SO has done such a thing, the respect for the boundry of a relationship can quickly erode if not handled right by both parties.
The line has been crossed, and I think it's rather important that you establish that while this will not end your relationship, it is a loss of trust.
If i had to take a stab at it, I'd say the back of your mind in nagging you over that sudden change/loss in trust and it's possible long term affects on your relationship.

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PredeconInferno

So you're no longer a girl? :-P

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Strange Famous

Maybe you could get a three way with her and the other girl though? That would be awesome.

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Zander

It's not cheating if it's with the same sex, it's called experimenting.

Schwan

I think I`m not the only person who has the words "three way" written in big shiny letters in their heads after reading your post.

taylorspl

I forgot to say you should post pics.

james t kirk

I don't see a problem with this.

I WISH that my GF would do something like that. (Actually, we have discussed it and she has green lighted the 3-some with another woman)

Most men would give their right nut to have a GF like that.

All you have to do is convince her to let you join in. And to do that, it would appear all you need is a little red wine.

I say, invite them over for dinner one night, light a few candles, pour some wine, saute some shrimp and cook some pasta, add more red wine, once they are feeling somewhat rocked, steer the conversation towards sex, then angle it towards a truth or dare situation, then get them to kiss, and voila, you are in.

-Anders

I second that
But seriously, she was drunk, and playing spin the bottle, and kissed her best female friend..
Now perhaps I'm being blind here, but I really don't see the problem.
Hey she's kissing another girl, big deal.
And as she was really upset about it, then you need not have any doubt as to she will do it again, it was apparently rough on her this time around.

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ratbastid

Speaking as a lucky, lucky man who has a wife like that, I can say for sure that if I'd known what it was going to be like, I'd have given my right nut.

Fortunately it didn't come to that.

Bringing in others can also dramatically STRENGTHEN your existing relationship. Not always--it depends on the underlying quality of your communication and solidity of your relationship. But people often fixate on the potential negatives of this without considering the good it can do. And the fun it can be!

james t kirk

I agree.

Monogamy is not necessarily human nature. So if both you and your wife / GF acknowledge that you would like to sleep with other people, and work out an arrangement to do so, but from within certain mutual confines, it could make your relationship stronger.

Yakk

Damn vocabulary.

Snog:
to kiss and hold a person in a sexual way.
http://www.freesearch.co.uk/dictionary/snogged

When I read cheated and saw a term I didn't know, I assumed she went far further than you meant to imply. =)

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Finchie

Yeah, just let it go. And don't worry, I doubt she's ever cheated on you, judging by how guilty she felt from this harmless kiss was.

jay-g

Just because it was a girl though, doesnt make her actions justifiable. But i wouldnt trip about it too much, everyone makes mistakes. After this situation, how many more times, she makes a mistake, is the real question.

skysooner

I see this as no issue.

Bill O'Rights

Personally, I'm having a difficult time deciding if you want us to commiserate with you...or if you're just bragging.

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Ustwo

I've told my wife, Girl-Girl isn't cheating, and she has my blessing

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james t kirk

I never thought i would ever agree with you on anything.

It must be raining frogs.

Giltwist

I have dated a couple of bi girls before. My rule of thumb is that, strictly speaking, another girl is going to be able to provide her with things I simply can't, I don't have the tackle, so to speak. As long as she makes sure the other girl is clean, go for it, don't even have to invite me to watch. Now, were we to enter into a monogomous relationship, I'd probably want my wife to, at the very least, cut way back on such activity, but til then, enjoy.

On an unrelated note, did you guys know where the phrase "rule of thumb" came from? Apparantly some time ago in England it was legal for a man to beat his wife if the stick he used was no bigger than his thumb.

analog

Dude... i dunno what the underlying moral/societal/religious values you're working under may be...

...but that's awesome to have a girl that open. I've counted myself lucky to have had 2 such girlfriends in the past, and nothing but good ever came from it.

Also, as King said, Spin the Bottle is a game. A game people play in which there is kissing. It's just a game- and the fact that she kissed a girl is just incidental to the game process. Don't worry about it, you'll be just fine.

Venus

I don't think you'll have to worry about her doing it again. From what I can tell, she seemed pretty remorseful about the whole thing and acted like she might even regret it. Just a drunk stupid thing that happened once and probably won't happen again. I also wouldn't take this ONE incident and create all these possibilities of her being bi or being comfortable with a threesome either. The way you handled it was just fine and if I were you, I would just go on together like it never happened....that's probably what she wants anyway

Tomservo

I didn't read all the responses, so I apologize if I'm echoing. (Sorry)

She acknowledged and apologized, and those are big deals. Forgive her, but leave her with the stipulation that being drunk is NEVER an excuse. Also, make sure she knows it won't change your relationship- sometimes a cheaters' guilt is stronger because they fear that you'll do the same to them. If she knows everything is still rock solid, she'll feel good about fessing up and the honesty in your relationship will continue. That's a really good thing.

Additionally, girl-girl is NOT the same as girl-boy, if she's straight, and you kinda have to assume she is. She wasn't interjecting that intimacy to someone other than you, she was trying something different that really didn't have anything to do with you- after all, you're not a girl. Doesn't make it okay, but emotionally, it is a different ball of wax.

Double standard time- if I told my wife I kissed another man, she'd prolly be gone by the time I finished the sentence.

Betrayal hurts no matter what. Honesty is the only cure!

agball

Be careful, make sure her interest in women is not stronger than that of men.

kutulu

Everything is different for everyone, but this would not be a problem to me. My wife went all the way with a girl once and I got to watch her do some heavy making out with another a few times. My only condition was that either I was there or that she'd tell me "all about it." I was hoping that it would turn into a full threesome, but that never materialized.

I can see why people would get upset. Everyone has their own boundaries, but this was just a truth or dare game and it was just a few pecks. It's not like they were trying to remove each others' tonsils with their tounges.

John Henry

Hmm. That's kind of the problem. I wasn't orchestrating it or there to watch it, I just found out about it afterwards.

Just to clarify, what happened was that they were all very drunk and decided to relive their early teenage years, or something like that, by playing spin the bottle with pecks on the cheek. Only her peck on the cheek with her friend, under the persuasion of her friend's boyfriend, turned into a full on tongues and all, passionate snog.

Actually I've met this friend of hers before and I think I'm cool with what happened, but the thing that did rile me was the possibility that she'd done it for the benefit of the blokes there.

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"No one was behaving from very Buddhist motives. Then, thought Pigsy, he was hardly a Buddha, nor was he a monkey. Presently, he was a pig spirit changed into a little girl pretending to be a little boy to be offered to a water monster. It was all very simple to a pig spirit."

kutulu

Well, that is a bit different.

Tell her this:

"I'm really upset but I'll get over it if the two of you blow me!!"

nanofever

So then what you are really upset about is another guy getting-off on your girlfriend and another girl kissing ? Methinks you are a bit upset you missed it and a bit jealous of the other guy ?

but hey I don't know anything other than what you are saying so I could be totally wrong.

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Qazwsxedc

this seems like a non issue to me.. it was a game of spin the bottle. I don't consider it cheating.

Now if she made out with a guy and they were not playing spin the bottle then you'd have every reason to be upset. Since she made out with a girl, i dont' think i'd care - i'd just chalk it up to curiousity and experimentation.

fro2020

Ditto that. I thought it was much more than kissing.

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