Need Marriage Advice!!! - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Parker · 03-03-2004, 11:59 AM

I have been having some issues with my wife lately and I am hoping to get some perspective and/or advice.

Here we go. Last night, I had a long talk with my wife. She has been very distant to me lately and I wanted to know what was wrong. She got very quite and emotional. I then proceeded to ask her if she loved me and then the comment that crushed me was that she said she loves me, but is not in love with me. We have only been married for two years now and this comes out of left field. She then said that she built a wall up because of some of the things that I did in the past and hurt her. For example, She would ask me to go for a walk and told her not today and that she is resentful of me because she had to quit her job and move to me when we got married and it took her 9 months to find a job. Now, she works the night shift as a process supervisor and I work during the day. Therefore, our time is limited.

I have offered up a marriage counselor because I want to fight for what we have. She said that she is going to spend the weekend to think about it.

I am thinking the worst and I would like to find out anyone's perspective.

WarWagon · 03-03-2004, 12:08 PM

There has definitely been a serious absence of communication between you two. Marriage counseling is definitely a good idea, but to make things work, it sounds as though sacrifices will have to be made on both of your behalf, possibly even career changes.

skysooner · 03-03-2004, 12:29 PM

I have to say I doubt the issue is about her having to quit her job, etc. She is obviously to the point where she is thinking of all the things that have made her mad at you, and it just fuels the fire so to speak. Luckily there is a decent chance for you still. Marriage counseling can work, but it has to be the right marriage counselor. If both of you do not like the person, change immediately.

I really see the biggest issue is that she feels she can't talk to you (whether through lack of time, you being busy, etc.). Her saying that she was upset you wouldn't walk with her is female speak that she wanted to spend some quality time with you away from outside interferences and you "rejected" her. Even though what you turned down was a walk, she isn't taking it that way. You absolutely must sit down and let her vent. Then you must make changes in how you two communicate. This means that you need to have long talks at least once per day if not more. You have to be willing to listen to her without trying to "solve" her problems.

I went through something very similar to this about 8 years ago, and my wife and I made it and are happier than ever. PM if you need to talk more directly.

jbrooks544 · 03-04-2004, 07:45 AM

Sounds like she wasn't telling you when things were bothering her - maybe she was just saving them up until she didn't like you so much any more. This is pretty common - believe me, I know. Communication is key. She needs to tell you what she wants and you need to do it. She for you too... Really pretty simple acutually.

If she tells you what she wants/needs then you can either do it or not and she can either live with it or not. It is either worth you doing to make her happy or not and you are willing to live with results or not. THe thing that screws everything up is if she bottles it up and doesn't tell you and then hates you, or if she does actually tell you and you don't listen or do anything about it. All is not lost. If you can each change and try to please each other then everything can be fine again, believe me, I know - went through this repeatedly in my 17 years of marriage - still going strong.

toxic515 · 03-04-2004, 04:52 PM

The issues are not, at the moment, insurmountable, based on your post. step one has been made.. You've identified that there IS a problem. Counseling is a good idea. Rekindling the love is completely possible. It will require some real work on both of your sides. It's going to require that you identify your values clearly, and remember what it is you value in each other, as well as what you value about being together.

Remember here you asked her about her feelings. Get over being crushed at the very least and get challenged. What can you do to provide some more of what she's looking for? It's important to remember that, much like a chess game you can only move your own peices. In other words, the only actions you can take are your own. You want to make the relationship work, it seems, and it doesn't sound as if she's given up hope. It's also possible that one or both of you are suffering from exhaustion or depression. All of these things are changable. Don't let the fear or depression cause you to wait until it's too late. You may find that you guys have to make some radical changes in your lives, re-locate, changte employment, whatever.. Once you identify your values, it'll be much easier to determine what steps you are willing to take, what values you exchange for what other values.

Lastly, at this point, I wouldn't badger her about a decision on counseling. Don't stress the relationship to the breaking point. This is likely to need a gradual turn-around that you'll have to massage by accepting your responsibility for the needs she has that she expects you to fill. (presuming that these are not unreasonable... If my wife thinks I am supposed to get her a new Hummer each year, there's not any point in continuing THAT line of thought) You get the idea... No doubt that this is a difficult and painful position to be in, and you must always consider each possible outcome and how you will react if any of them arrives. It is not, however, at all to your advantage to remain frozen with fear either. (I don't think you are) Nurse the infant marriage back to health. I think the 2nd and or 3rd years ARE the hardest times. it's so easy to look back at what one may have"sacrificed" and what I (you, she, whatever) might have had... but it's silly, because it was the price that we were willing to pay at that time, and it's already done. She will need to forgive you before things improve, and you both must forgive yourselves.

best of luck and love to you.

03-03-2004, 11:59 AM	#1 (permalink)
Parker Crazy	Need Marriage Advice!!! I have been having some issues with my wife lately and I am hoping to get some perspective and/or advice. Here we go. Last night, I had a long talk with my wife. She has been very distant to me lately and I wanted to know what was wrong. She got very quite and emotional. I then proceeded to ask her if she loved me and then the comment that crushed me was that she said she loves me, but is not in love with me. We have only been married for two years now and this comes out of left field. She then said that she built a wall up because of some of the things that I did in the past and hurt her. For example, She would ask me to go for a walk and told her not today and that she is resentful of me because she had to quit her job and move to me when we got married and it took her 9 months to find a job. Now, she works the night shift as a process supervisor and I work during the day. Therefore, our time is limited. I have offered up a marriage counselor because I want to fight for what we have. She said that she is going to spend the weekend to think about it. I am thinking the worst and I would like to find out anyone's perspective.

03-04-2004, 04:52 PM	#5 (permalink)
toxic515 Addict Location: Texas	The issues are not, at the moment, insurmountable, based on your post. step one has been made.. You've identified that there IS a problem. Counseling is a good idea. Rekindling the love is completely possible. It will require some real work on both of your sides. It's going to require that you identify your values clearly, and remember what it is you value in each other, as well as what you value about being together. Remember here you asked her about her feelings. Get over being crushed at the very least and get challenged. What can you do to provide some more of what she's looking for? It's important to remember that, much like a chess game you can only move your own peices. In other words, the only actions you can take are your own. You want to make the relationship work, it seems, and it doesn't sound as if she's given up hope. It's also possible that one or both of you are suffering from exhaustion or depression. All of these things are changable. Don't let the fear or depression cause you to wait until it's too late. You may find that you guys have to make some radical changes in your lives, re-locate, changte employment, whatever.. Once you identify your values, it'll be much easier to determine what steps you are willing to take, what values you exchange for what other values. Lastly, at this point, I wouldn't badger her about a decision on counseling. Don't stress the relationship to the breaking point. This is likely to need a gradual turn-around that you'll have to massage by accepting your responsibility for the needs she has that she expects you to fill. (presuming that these are not unreasonable... If my wife thinks I am supposed to get her a new Hummer each year, there's not any point in continuing THAT line of thought) You get the idea... No doubt that this is a difficult and painful position to be in, and you must always consider each possible outcome and how you will react if any of them arrives. It is not, however, at all to your advantage to remain frozen with fear either. (I don't think you are) Nurse the infant marriage back to health. I think the 2nd and or 3rd years ARE the hardest times. it's so easy to look back at what one may have"sacrificed" and what I (you, she, whatever) might have had... but it's silly, because it was the price that we were willing to pay at that time, and it's already done. She will need to forgive you before things improve, and you both must forgive yourselves. best of luck and love to you. __________________ Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

03-03-2004, 12:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
WarWagon Loser	There has definitely been a serious absence of communication between you two. Marriage counseling is definitely a good idea, but to make things work, it sounds as though sacrifices will have to be made on both of your behalf, possibly even career changes.

03-03-2004, 12:29 PM	#3 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	I have to say I doubt the issue is about her having to quit her job, etc. She is obviously to the point where she is thinking of all the things that have made her mad at you, and it just fuels the fire so to speak. Luckily there is a decent chance for you still. Marriage counseling can work, but it has to be the right marriage counselor. If both of you do not like the person, change immediately. I really see the biggest issue is that she feels she can't talk to you (whether through lack of time, you being busy, etc.). Her saying that she was upset you wouldn't walk with her is female speak that she wanted to spend some quality time with you away from outside interferences and you "rejected" her. Even though what you turned down was a walk, she isn't taking it that way. You absolutely must sit down and let her vent. Then you must make changes in how you two communicate. This means that you need to have long talks at least once per day if not more. You have to be willing to listen to her without trying to "solve" her problems. I went through something very similar to this about 8 years ago, and my wife and I made it and are happier than ever. PM if you need to talk more directly.

03-04-2004, 07:45 AM	#4 (permalink)
jbrooks544 Addict	Sounds like she wasn't telling you when things were bothering her - maybe she was just saving them up until she didn't like you so much any more. This is pretty common - believe me, I know. Communication is key. She needs to tell you what she wants and you need to do it. She for you too... Really pretty simple acutually. If she tells you what she wants/needs then you can either do it or not and she can either live with it or not. It is either worth you doing to make her happy or not and you are willing to live with results or not. THe thing that screws everything up is if she bottles it up and doesn't tell you and then hates you, or if she does actually tell you and you don't listen or do anything about it. All is not lost. If you can each change and try to please each other then everything can be fine again, believe me, I know - went through this repeatedly in my 17 years of marriage - still going strong.