Did I do the right thing?

[LondonsBurning]

Hello all. Long time lurker, first time poster on side of the board. I apologize for the long sentenced fragmented essay but if you guys wouldn't mind sharing your input I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.


I've been in love with my best friend for as long as I can remember. I've known her since I moved to Austin and attended the same school as her in 6th grade. Admittedly I hadn't even really started puberty yet and even then found myself attracted to her, before my hormones started kicking into overdrive. I've known her for about 9 years since then, have kept in touch with her on almost a daily basis despite going to different high schools and now different colleges which are both local. In that time I can't think of another person I've ever felt so close to. She knows my darkest secrets about my past, and atleast what she's shared with me assuming she hasn't hidden anything I know her darkest secrets as well. Absolutely nothing has fazed me about my attraction to her. I don't put her on a pedastel and view her as a perfect goddess, and I don't think I've ever had an unhealthy habit where I've obsessed over her. I love her for who she is and I wouldn't ever expect anything more other than whatever path she follows in her life later down the road.

I've told her I've loved her in the past a couple years before and was stuck in the friends zone. Normally I'd view that as a cop out excuse towards just plain being honest and saying no if it were any other person, but I understood what she meant because I had been hesitant then telling my love for her for the same reason. I never brought up the issue again and was actually pretty content with things as they were but would of course been extremely happy to try and advance further.

This past Friday I saw her at the start of the weekend as I've been usually doing lately, hanging out with her doing nothing in particular other then just enjoying her company while watching movies together, hitting up video games, or just talking randomly talking about anything that would pop up in our heads. My feelings for have begun to swell up again to the point where I could no longer hold my silence about my love for her. I had thought about it wisely knowing the implications of what it could mean telling her I love her again. I was optimistically caught up in what felt like a daydream of what could have been if she had said yes.


Unfortunately she didn't which I can completely understand. You can't force anyone to love another person and even if it were possible, I wouldn't fathom the idea of trying that on her. I was caught up in the awkward situation where I wanted something more and she was content with the way things were. I've tried fall back onto an even basis with her on just a friendship level and nothing has worked that I've tried. I've tried dating other women that I found attractive to keep that side of my life occupied so I could just view her in the same light she viewed me. It didn't work, and to make it worse emotionally I felt as though I was cheating on those girls I dated. It's not as though I was in a serious relationship with any of them, but nonetheless they just weren't what I was looking for. I've tried mentally to come up with things that I can't stand about her to bring me out of this state of love. Nothings stood out that's even been worthwhile making an issue out of. Damn near everything I tried to list which was a small list to begin with, I felt like I had to bullshit to just add it. Again that's not to say she doesn't have her flaws, but it's never been anything that's stopped me from loving her. About the only thing I hadn't done was just separating myself from her and hoping my feelings would subside given time with her absent in my life. It's hard for me to imagine but all this time I've known her always having had these feelings for her and all these great memories spent with her, I've felt miserable knowing her love for me just wasn't the same as mine, and might very well never change. Thing is as much as I've tried to change my love for her, it never has. In turn I feel miserable, probably the same way she'd feel miserable if she were to date me despite not having the same feelings.

The best way I've reasoned with it is, suppose I continue to stay friends with her with this hopeless hope of one day her viewing me in the same light as I view her and it never happening, she finds someone she's attracted to and that man finds her attractive, they hit it off and I'm left out in the cold. Could I truly be happy for her then? I've reasoned probably not which is tough to say because despite loving her the way I do, she's without a doubt been my closest friend in my life and I've always found myself supportive of anything that she's pursued in her life. Would I regret holding onto this non existent string of hope of non- guaranteed change? Of course.

I told her all these things on Friday night when I brought up my love for her again. She looked to be in tears, as was I truthfully. I'm potentially eliminating my closest friend in the hope that this miserable feeling I have about not being able express my love to her because she doesn't feel the same way. Perhaps some time and space is all that will be needed for me to snap out of this love, and hey maybe things can go back to normal between us as friends. I just don't know what the future holds. Half of me is dieing to call her up again, and know what she's up to, while the other half is telling me not to until these feelings go away, if they ever do. Nothing has worked so far and there's just no guarantee this will either. Another part of me is holding onto this hopeless hope with the idea that maybe my absence in her life will cause her to realize how important I am to her and that maybe she will find love in me. I try and ignore that notion and face the reality of the situation but would extend my arms openly if that were to ever happen.


I don't have many friends and I've never had any complaints about it either up until now. The few I do have I consider life long friends, but her absence in my life thus far hasn't eliminated how miserable I feel. I spent Saturday night with a cousin of mine out at a concert off 6th Street in Austin, went to the after party got piss drunk, was escorted to my cousin's friends apartments to drink and hit a strip club afterwards to close out the night just to get this whole mess off my mind, but I can't do that every night. So after all is said in done in this long essay, did I do the right thing? My mind is telling me I did but the rest of me saying hell no. I've asked my friends about their input and they seemed supportive but an unbiased opinion would probably be better.


I'm well aware of the risk of jumping into a relationship with the friend and how it can end bad. What I think people fail to understand that say that is, things change regardless of whether two friends advance further or not. Just going for the viable friends option covers up the issue and prolongs it even further. I would have never said anything to her if I didn't feel like things could of really developed into something lasting and beautiful. I'm not into one night stands, and I don't plan on fucking the first hot girl that walks into the same room I'm in. I want substance and with her I found that. It's never stopped me from trying to find that attraction in other women available but I just haven't found that woman yet. I don't expect it to be easy, but it's so hard to turn my head away from my closest friend who I could honestly imagine a future with. She makes me want to be a better person, and try new things. I'm not much of a dancer and she loves to dance. She makes me want to learn just so I can do one more thing with her that she loves to do and that I'd love to do with her. Just small things like that, and this undieing idea of what could have been, but might never be. We've talked about what eachothers ideal SO would be like. When I've heard her description I swear it sounds so much like me down to the smallest details. I'm wandering off in a different slightly unrelated direction though. Back to the topic. Did I do the right thing?

[DEI37]

I would say yes, you did. I mean, if you had to keep the "energy" of your emotions pent up, you'd be a miserable person. If you tell her and leave the ball in her court, she know what you think of her, and if she wants to reciprocate, the relationship will be heaven on earth. Even if she has to "decline" your desire to further the relationship, you can still be friends. I've been there, and done that. Good luck. I wish you the best.

[Eugeni]

Originally posted by LondonsBurning
Did I do the right thing?

I don't know. Maybe yes but I think I would stay friends to be close to my kindred spirit. Maybe one day she falls in love with you or you fall in love with another woman and can still be friends with your best friend.

[sillygirl]

That's a tough place to be. I think it's better that you got it out in the open now. Something similar happened to me a while back, and it erupted into a huge fiasco. He waited for an incredibly inopportune time, and had he told me a long time before that, things would've been different. Follow your heart, do what it says. Things will turn out right.

[irateplatypus]

wow... great post. i think you did a great job of expressing your view of the situation. i can sympathize with you a bit, but your situation is unique in how long and intense it seems to have been. even so, i think i have a decent perspective on this.

here is my unqualified, unprofessional opinion:

what you said to her had to be said. it just isn't worth the stagnation that comes with bottling those feelings up, letting yourself be torn everytime she goes out with another guy and pretending not to care. that being said, the right thing isn't necessarily the most persuasive thing right now.

from your post i gleaned that you are both in your early 20s (like me), so my assumptions are built from that. if she was 32 and single, your confession might have had more effect. girls seem to value the "friendship" and "compatibility" parts of a relationship more as they get older. but she is still young, probably a pretty girl, and has guys approach her all the time. quite honestly, you probably just aren't exciting enough for her... not to mention that she gets all the emotional support she needs from you while she dates whomever she wants.

i'm not knocking you personally. if you two had just met this year... she would probably be head over heels for ya. but you are what is comfortable and familiar to her... not her knight-in-shining-armor.

she knows that you'll be around, no matter what she does. she knows that whenever you're on a date, you're thinking about her. this undoubtedly flatters her, but you don't hold any mystery or excitement. the type of love you have for her is an awesome thing, but no one is guaranteed to be loved back. again, not because of what kind of guy you are but because of your long-standing situation.

so this is what you should do:

move on. that's right, move on. and i don't mean date another girl to appear detached or to make her jealous. move on in the sense that you must be able to give another girl your complete attention. don't be mean to her, don't stop returning her calls completely... just treat her with the same manner you treat your other friends. she will sense when that happens, and only then will she force herself to evaluate what you mean to her.

chances are, you probably won't end up together. but, i will guarantee you that it will NEVER happen while you pine for her. i see the contradiction inherent in trying to pull yourself away from her by doing something that may only be done to get her back. still, do what you can to find someone new that you are devoted to.

if it works out w/her... man, that would be awesome. just don't wait around till she asks you to be her maid-of-honor.

i know some of this sounds harsh, but man do i ever wish someone had told me that at a few points in my life. i truly wish you the best man. not everyone is even capable of feeling the way you do about this girl. don't let it make you bitter that it isn't returned. understand, then search somewhere else.

[LondonsBurning]

She hasn't really dated anyone since I've known her. She's had interests in guys of course but nothing really amounted to it. Inside I would hold my breath everytime, but would try to think nothing of it and be supportive. When she goes out, it's usually with her friends from campus, her other life long friends from way back, or with her family. Despite that it's never stopped me from thinking that it'll always be that way, because it won't. She's a truly beautiful woman with a fascinating personality (maybe biased on my part, but it's true to me atleast ) and there's no doubt in my mind that she'd fall into a relationship sooner or later.

I suppose I could of waited but I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't say anything at all, and when I visited her on Friday with the intention of saying those words I wanted to feel as though I gave it my best shot in telling her I loved her, that way I would have no doubt or regrets about what I said, when I said it, or how I said it. At the same time there's no telling if/when that guy could pop up in her life and how many other opportunities I'd have to atleast have my say about how I felt about her, or optimistically whether I would be that guy that popped up in her life on any given day. In that sense it was gratifying I was able to say those things to her because I know I didn't waste any more opportunities to tell her.


As far as moving on, I'm trying to. I don't expect it to be a quick transition and in a weird way I don't want it to be. I just kinda want this grace period to reflect on the situation and hopefully move on back towards friendship with her after these feelings I have for her subside and continue to keep my eyes open for other SO interests. I dunno if the feelings I have for her will ever go away, but as long as I know when they become overwhelming for me like this past Friday, I'll just take some space between myself and her and try and keep distracted with other things.

In the meantime I'm just hoping some time and space will bring some stability back in my life and hopefully things will go back to normal. Admittedly even now it's hard to let go of this hopeless hope I've shared with you all already but that's what the time and space is for. Thanks for the input guys. It's nice to hear different opinions from everyone that's posted.

[doncalypso]

Originally posted by LondonsBurning
She hasn't really dated anyone since I've known her. She's had interests in guys of course but nothing really amounted to it. Inside I would hold my breath everytime, but would try to think nothing of it and be supportive. When she goes out, it's usually with her friends from campus, her other life long friends from way back, or with her family. Despite that it's never stopped me from thinking that it'll always be that way, because it won't. She's a truly beautiful woman with a fascinating personality (maybe biased on my part, but it's true to me atleast ) and there's no doubt in my mind that she'd fall into a relationship sooner or later.

I suppose I could of waited but I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't say anything at all, and when I visited her on Friday with the intention of saying those words I wanted to feel as though I gave it my best shot in telling her I loved her, that way I would have no doubt or regrets about what I said, when I said it, or how I said it. At the same time there's no telling if/when that guy could pop up in her life and how many other opportunities I'd have to atleast have my say about how I felt about her, or optimistically whether I would be that guy that popped up in her life on any given day. In that sense it was gratifying I was able to say those things to her because I know I didn't waste any more opportunities to tell her.


As far as moving on, I'm trying to. I don't expect it to be a quick transition and in a weird way I don't want it to be. I just kinda want this grace period to reflect on the situation and hopefully move on back towards friendship with her after these feelings I have for her subside and continue to keep my eyes open for other SO interests. I dunno if the feelings I have for her will ever go away, but as long as I know when they become overwhelming for me like this past Friday, I'll just take some space between myself and her and try and keep distracted with other things.

In the meantime I'm just hoping some time and space will bring some stability back in my life and hopefully things will go back to normal. Admittedly even now it's hard to let go of this hopeless hope I've shared with you all already but that's what the time and space is for. Thanks for the input guys. It's nice to hear different opinions from everyone that's posted.

I am no psychiatrist, psychologist, or relationship therapist... but what I can tell you is that you didn't do anything wrong by letting her know how you feel.

However, given that she has not reciprocated I think it would be best for you to just keep your distance from her--don't call, e-mail, or write her ever. If she misses you and calls you do talk to her, but don't take it as a sign that she's interested.

If she comes to her senses and decides she wants to try to pursue something with you than go ahead (but be very careful and don't assume it'll all work out), but if she's not interested then move on with your life and don't let this eat you up inside.

There are plenty of other fish in the sea, so if she won't get with you someone else will at some point. And while you feel you may be missing out on something good, maybe there's a woman out there who's pining after you and who will be the ideal girlfriend for you.

[motdakasha]

I apologize for not reading the entire post, but it sounds like you confessed your feelings to a female friend who is no longer responding/talking to you. If I didn't gather correctly, again I apologize, but here's what I would say if I'm correct:
1) Try to re-establish friendship with her again, but don't expect more than that to come of it.
2) If that doesn't work out, then it's better to just move on and make a new friend, or several. Who knows, you might find someone who reciprocates.

[Johnny Rotten]

You're probably not going to want to hear this, but you did ask.

How a relationship develops down the road begins with the context of how much you say at the beginning. If you tell her your deepest secrets at the point where you're just friends, that will usually put you on the wrong track, and keep you there. If you put too much of yourself on someone's plate at once, they won't be able to eat more than a few bites before they get full. In this world, people don't want to know as much about you as you might think--not at first, at least.

Second: In my experience, people do not wake up one day and magically realize something about you or themselves.

Let me repeat for emphasis: She won't start looking at you in a different way out of the blue. It takes two to tango, and the chemistry isn't there.

Lastly, your heart is obviously not in tearing yourself away from her, since you call her on a daily basis.

However, if it's any consolation, she wasn't and isn't treating you right by not gently extricating herself when she saw you were hopelessly in love with her. But people like that kind of attention, so human nature often creates such a downward spiral. I think she did you a massive disservice by keeping you at arm's length but inviting your constant presence. I doubt this will really sink in, though, since you're obviously in pretty deep and are probably already thinking up ways in which I'm slightly wrong here and there and how she's really not like that, etc.

But believe me, I've been there to a degree, as have many others, and I'm familiar with the patterns and the lines of thought. The best you can do for yourself is that which you would find most repulsive: Getting the hell out of Dodge ASAP, getting rid of all the mementos and correspondence, and finding someone special in a place and time that reminds you not at all of where you came from.

Mistakes happen, people learn from them, and time heals all wounds even though the scars may never completely disappear. Two years ago, I was unemployed and wandering through Europe, recently broken up with a girl who'd I'd been with for years and was within a week of proposing to when she cheated on me out of the blue with one of our co-workers and told me, on the heels of that, that she loved me but was no longer in love with me. Now I'm three hundred miles away, living in a great flat in San Franciso, I have a great job, and I'm currently angling for a date with a cutie who I think digs me.

Two years ago, I stared at the Mona Lisa in the Louvre in Paris, and felt nothing. I stood in St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican, the largest and most opulent church in the world and home to what many say is the wealthiest organization in the world. Through a pane of glass on my right was a life-size sculpture by Michaelangelo (or maybe it was DaVinci) of Mary holding her dead son Jesus in her arms. And I felt nothing. I went to Vienna and Amsterdam, and nothing followed me everywhere.

Two years later, getting a nice parking spot after coming home from work puts a shit-eating grin on my face.

These stories are everywhere and tellable by people all around you. And they survived, they are here, they are there, and they are doing just fine, thank you, she wasn't no good for me anyhow. Mistakes happen, people learn from them.

[LondonsBurning]

Your right. I caved in and called again because I wanted to check up on her. We got to talking about things, and I can definitely see a future together being out of the question. I pretty much asked her to make it as obvious as she could just so I could hear it from my own ears and not have to convince myself that. Some things angered me about what she said when we talked about this current obvious issue, and kinda left me feeling as though it's my fault. That's what actually angered me. That feeling because I know I did nothing wrong. At the same time I felt like I was being belittled in her view of our friendship together. She'd mention the longevity of the friendship and say it was important to her but at the same time would give me this impression that it was flimsy to her and only when it was convenient. Actually that's one of things she said really had me confused. That my love for her might just be out of convenience. I don't get that. I don't toss around the world love lightly, and when I try and guess what she meant by it, it just sounds outright insulting. She left me feeling as though I didn't have as many friends as her and that I cling to her because of that, which isn't the case at all. I mean I just don't have any other friends as close as I felt to her. That's the difference between regular friends and her atleast for me. I just feel dumbstruck to know that's how she has viewed me and it really puts a whole different perspective on what I thought our friendship was. I called to check up on her because I cared about her obviously, and felt like making the first move towards salvaging the situation. I think I've done my part and have just decided she can call the next time she wants to talk about it. If she doesn't call, it's for the better as you've all said. The best part of it all is I'm actually willing to accept that now.

[gduventree]

Glad to hear you've got some closure on the situation. As long as you keep thinking "what if..." to yourself you'll just delay the healing process but now it looks like you're on the road to recovery. Just remember to hang tough, it happens to all of us.

[AfterBurn]

with girls its once a friend always a friend (unless you fuck up). If youre really desprate then find out what kind of guys she really likes and become that guy but thats if youre really desprate and on the verge of insanity

[irateplatypus]

hey, thanks for the update.

glad to hear that you confronted her and are being honest with yourself about what was said.

johnny rotten had an excellent post... said it better than could have. be strong about this. down the road you'll be glad you did.