LondonsBurning

Hello all. Long time lurker, first time poster on side of the board. I apologize for the long sentenced fragmented essay but if you guys wouldn't mind sharing your input I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.


I've been in love with my best friend for as long as I can remember. I've known her since I moved to Austin and attended the same school as her in 6th grade. Admittedly I hadn't even really started puberty yet and even then found myself attracted to her, before my hormones started kicking into overdrive. I've known her for about 9 years since then, have kept in touch with her on almost a daily basis despite going to different high schools and now different colleges which are both local. In that time I can't think of another person I've ever felt so close to. She knows my darkest secrets about my past, and atleast what she's shared with me assuming she hasn't hidden anything I know her darkest secrets as well. Absolutely nothing has fazed me about my attraction to her. I don't put her on a pedastel and view her as a perfect goddess, and I don't think I've ever had an unhealthy habit where I've obsessed over her. I love her for who she is and I wouldn't ever expect anything more other than whatever path she follows in her life later down the road.

I've told her I've loved her in the past a couple years before and was stuck in the friends zone. Normally I'd view that as a cop out excuse towards just plain being honest and saying no if it were any other person, but I understood what she meant because I had been hesitant then telling my love for her for the same reason. I never brought up the issue again and was actually pretty content with things as they were but would of course been extremely happy to try and advance further.

This past Friday I saw her at the start of the weekend as I've been usually doing lately, hanging out with her doing nothing in particular other then just enjoying her company while watching movies together, hitting up video games, or just talking randomly talking about anything that would pop up in our heads. My feelings for have begun to swell up again to the point where I could no longer hold my silence about my love for her. I had thought about it wisely knowing the implications of what it could mean telling her I love her again. I was optimistically caught up in what felt like a daydream of what could have been if she had said yes.


Unfortunately she didn't which I can completely understand. You can't force anyone to love another person and even if it were possible, I wouldn't fathom the idea of trying that on her. I was caught up in the awkward situation where I wanted something more and she was content with the way things were. I've tried fall back onto an even basis with her on just a friendship level and nothing has worked that I've tried. I've tried dating other women that I found attractive to keep that side of my life occupied so I could just view her in the same light she viewed me. It didn't work, and to make it worse emotionally I felt as though I was cheating on those girls I dated. It's not as though I was in a serious relationship with any of them, but nonetheless they just weren't what I was looking for. I've tried mentally to come up with things that I can't stand about her to bring me out of this state of love. Nothings stood out that's even been worthwhile making an issue out of. Damn near everything I tried to list which was a small list to begin with, I felt like I had to bullshit to just add it. Again that's not to say she doesn't have her flaws, but it's never been anything that's stopped me from loving her. About the only thing I hadn't done was just separating myself from her and hoping my feelings would subside given time with her absent in my life. It's hard for me to imagine but all this time I've known her always having had these feelings for her and all these great memories spent with her, I've felt miserable knowing her love for me just wasn't the same as mine, and might very well never change. Thing is as much as I've tried to change my love for her, it never has. In turn I feel miserable, probably the same way she'd feel miserable if she were to date me despite not having the same feelings.

The best way I've reasoned with it is, suppose I continue to stay friends with her with this hopeless hope of one day her viewing me in the same light as I view her and it never happening, she finds someone she's attracted to and that man finds her attractive, they hit it off and I'm left out in the cold. Could I truly be happy for her then? I've reasoned probably not which is tough to say because despite loving her the way I do, she's without a doubt been my closest friend in my life and I've always found myself supportive of anything that she's pursued in her life. Would I regret holding onto this non existent string of hope of non- guaranteed change? Of course.

I told her all these things on Friday night when I brought up my love for her again. She looked to be in tears, as was I truthfully. I'm potentially eliminating my closest friend in the hope that this miserable feeling I have about not being able express my love to her because she doesn't feel the same way. Perhaps some time and space is all that will be needed for me to snap out of this love, and hey maybe things can go back to normal between us as friends. I just don't know what the future holds. Half of me is dieing to call her up again, and know what she's up to, while the other half is telling me not to until these feelings go away, if they ever do. Nothing has worked so far and there's just no guarantee this will either. Another part of me is holding onto this hopeless hope with the idea that maybe my absence in her life will cause her to realize how important I am to her and that maybe she will find love in me. I try and ignore that notion and face the reality of the situation but would extend my arms openly if that were to ever happen.


I don't have many friends and I've never had any complaints about it either up until now. The few I do have I consider life long friends, but her absence in my life thus far hasn't eliminated how miserable I feel. I spent Saturday night with a cousin of mine out at a concert off 6th Street in Austin, went to the after party got piss drunk, was escorted to my cousin's friends apartments to drink and hit a strip club afterwards to close out the night just to get this whole mess off my mind, but I can't do that every night. So after all is said in done in this long essay, did I do the right thing? My mind is telling me I did but the rest of me saying hell no. I've asked my friends about their input and they seemed supportive but an unbiased opinion would probably be better.


I'm well aware of the risk of jumping into a relationship with the friend and how it can end bad. What I think people fail to understand that say that is, things change regardless of whether two friends advance further or not. Just going for the viable friends option covers up the issue and prolongs it even further. I would have never said anything to her if I didn't feel like things could of really developed into something lasting and beautiful. I'm not into one night stands, and I don't plan on fucking the first hot girl that walks into the same room I'm in. I want substance and with her I found that. It's never stopped me from trying to find that attraction in other women available but I just haven't found that woman yet. I don't expect it to be easy, but it's so hard to turn my head away from my closest friend who I could honestly imagine a future with. She makes me want to be a better person, and try new things. I'm not much of a dancer and she loves to dance. She makes me want to learn just so I can do one more thing with her that she loves to do and that I'd love to do with her. Just small things like that, and this undieing idea of what could have been, but might never be. We've talked about what eachothers ideal SO would be like. When I've heard her description I swear it sounds so much like me down to the smallest details. I'm wandering off in a different slightly unrelated direction though. Back to the topic. Did I do the right thing?