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Old 01-10-2004, 01:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
kitsune
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kinda confused.

hi. i don't know where to start really. i'm 19 years old and i've never really had a girlfriend before a few months ago or so. i mean there'd been girls i liked and girls who really just wanted sex or somehting weaker, and things never worked out with them because i've always wanted something more. it's so much more than that guys, and i know a lot of you would dissagree, but i also can't really say so having never actually had sex before. which brings me to my point. you see... this girl i have cared a lot about for a very long time, and she's been really unsure about me in the past and it's taken a long time for her to come around. i really love her, for who she is, though at times my insecurity makes me feel kind of numb to her, my spirit is always willing to be near her and to let her near me. i could never be angry with her and i don't feel like i would ever want to be with anyone else. and though in the past it seemed like she didn't really like me so much, she always liked me as a friend, and those times i thought she didnt i overracted and was afraid and hurting inside, and she always felt more than i beleived she did... and recently we've been closer than ever, and... we're kind of intimate, i guess. i mean we kiss a lot but we don't open our mouths. i don't really want to. it seems kind of gross. this is a girl who gets really disgusted by things like pornography and the like, and i'm on the same level as her, i just think that sex should be a sacred thing and not to be flaunted blindly about you know? but with her, i feel like it would be so much different. beacuse i respect her and it makes her so much more beautiful to me, that i don't want to defile her so much as i would want to make love with her, and i don't know if she feels that way too. but, i mean, it's not like i'm saying i'm waiting for her to want it or anyhting like that, because with how i feel i could live with her the way we are for the rest of my life, and though at times i feel really strongly about it i could go without it and not really mind. to be honest, sex is scary to me. i'm a really nervous person, and i get afraid that i wouldn't last long enough to please her, but i want to a lot, i mean i want to share something like that with her... i am a passionate person and i would want to show her, but... i don't know. i can't even remember the point i wanted to make or if i had a question or not. it seems like it would be so awkward and hard to be more intimate with her, and i don't really mind so much, but... what if she feels the same way and we're both just too unsure to do anyhting? and what if i made some kind of bold move and she was greatly offended? i would regret it forever. i can't even begin to imagine saying this sort of thing to her, and frankly i don't really want to. we're really close and i want to be closer, but that doesn't just mean... ef.
 
Old 01-10-2004, 02:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Just remember that the cornerstone of any relationship is communication. You should feel as though you can talk to her about things without jeopardizing the entire relationship.

When you bring it up, make it some time when you're comfortable, but NOT already kissing, making out, etc. Make it plain that you are just trying to talk to her, to get her opinion, and not looking to change her mind.

Good luck.
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Old 01-10-2004, 02:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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a post that is formatted to be read easily will get more responses.

first rule - paragraphs!!@!
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Old 01-10-2004, 07:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Old 01-10-2004, 07:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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That was a _hard_ read. Aside from that, just take it in stages. As with kissing: there's a lot of open ground between a closed-mouth kiss and tongues: play with the lips, kiss them individually, that sort of thing. There are also fun, silly things to do that are sensual but not threatening. Ever do a butterfly kiss? Tell her you're going to give her one (she won't have a clue). The get your eye straight up to her cheek and brush it with your eyelashes. It's silly and it's strange and women like it.

The point is, you both seem wound so tight that I'm not sure you're ever going to be spontaneous enough for things to happen. Analog's right about communication, but before that comes fun and play. If you're not acting goofy together while you hug -- if it's all deadly serious and the world seems to be riding on your every move -- you're never going to get there, mentally or physically.
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Old 01-10-2004, 07:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Chill!!! You're thinking WAY too much.
Just relax and let things go where they will. At 19 everything seems so intense. And it is, that's normal. But be calm, talk to her. Don't make a big deal about it.
You might be surprised what comes out of a little conversation. Perhaps the two of you are thinking the same way, perhaps not. But you'll never know until you talk to her.

And expect to mess it up, then have to fix the damage or move on. It'll take a many tries before you know the right thing to say at the right time, but you'll never learn unless you make some mistakes.

So give yourself the freedom to screw up. Fixing the screw up will be a learning experience too. It's all good.
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Old 01-10-2004, 08:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
i could never be angry with her
I hope that's not true... because if you can't be angry with her ever, that means that you allow her anything. You're doing well to take it slow, but make sure that you keep her on the same level as you. She doesn't need to be on some gigantic pedistal.

I would like to ease your sexual anxiety a little. From what I have seen, girls are just as concerned with sex being good for the other person as guys are for the girls. Sometimes it takes some getting used to each others' bodies before you find something that works for each other. Don't go into sex just thinking about the end goal. She knows that you want to make it good, and if you aren't sloppy and careless about it, then she'll probably enjoy it even if she doesn't cum.

With that said, talk to her. The best way to be comfortable is to get on the same level.
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Old 01-10-2004, 10:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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First, take the girl off the damn pedestal. Seriously man, it's like you are looking up to her so much that the idea of having sex with her almost grosses you out. Because you don't want to "defile" her?

It would seem to me that you're just building her up to be some kind of magical, beautiful, flawless entity, and not a woman at all. Being nervous about sex is a natural thing, and you'll get over it. But you're going have to relax, in a major way. Loosen up, or you'll end up driving her away. The odds on that are far greater than the odds of her not liking you anymore because she gives you a hard-on.

You said she's been your girlfriend for a few months. And you're 19. What's the rush? Hang out, have a good time, kiss when you feel like it, and open your damn mouth -- not just when you kiss but also when you have something to say. Without communication there's no relationship, either.

This too shall pass, kiddo. Try and chill a bit, and you and your girl will be able to enjoy each other a heck of a lot more.
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