kitsune

hi. i don't know where to start really. i'm 19 years old and i've never really had a girlfriend before a few months ago or so. i mean there'd been girls i liked and girls who really just wanted sex or somehting weaker, and things never worked out with them because i've always wanted something more. it's so much more than that guys, and i know a lot of you would dissagree, but i also can't really say so having never actually had sex before. which brings me to my point. you see... this girl i have cared a lot about for a very long time, and she's been really unsure about me in the past and it's taken a long time for her to come around. i really love her, for who she is, though at times my insecurity makes me feel kind of numb to her, my spirit is always willing to be near her and to let her near me. i could never be angry with her and i don't feel like i would ever want to be with anyone else. and though in the past it seemed like she didn't really like me so much, she always liked me as a friend, and those times i thought she didnt i overracted and was afraid and hurting inside, and she always felt more than i beleived she did... and recently we've been closer than ever, and... we're kind of intimate, i guess. i mean we kiss a lot but we don't open our mouths. i don't really want to. it seems kind of gross. this is a girl who gets really disgusted by things like pornography and the like, and i'm on the same level as her, i just think that sex should be a sacred thing and not to be flaunted blindly about you know? but with her, i feel like it would be so much different. beacuse i respect her and it makes her so much more beautiful to me, that i don't want to defile her so much as i would want to make love with her, and i don't know if she feels that way too. but, i mean, it's not like i'm saying i'm waiting for her to want it or anyhting like that, because with how i feel i could live with her the way we are for the rest of my life, and though at times i feel really strongly about it i could go without it and not really mind. to be honest, sex is scary to me. i'm a really nervous person, and i get afraid that i wouldn't last long enough to please her, but i want to a lot, i mean i want to share something like that with her... i am a passionate person and i would want to show her, but... i don't know. i can't even remember the point i wanted to make or if i had a question or not. it seems like it would be so awkward and hard to be more intimate with her, and i don't really mind so much, but... what if she feels the same way and we're both just too unsure to do anyhting? and what if i made some kind of bold move and she was greatly offended? i would regret it forever. i can't even begin to imagine saying this sort of thing to her, and frankly i don't really want to. we're really close and i want to be closer, but that doesn't just mean... ef.