mystmarimatt

Looked around, and couldn't seem to find a topic on this, nor can i do a search.

So, my friend came home from a trip she had over christmas break, and we went to a new year's party. driving there, she really didn't look well, kind of upset, but i didn't ask her or press the subject because we were in a full car. once we were at the part, she tugged at my arm, looking at me pleadingly, and we quietly slipped off to an isolated part of the house. she asked me how my break was and everything, i told her, then looked her in the eyes and asked her to tell me what was up. she commenced telling me the story of how, over her break, she met this guy on the beach, and the same night, lost her virginity to him. she was really, really upset. she had said she didn't really want to, but he kind of forced himself on her. she was molested when she was a child, and has a history of freezing up when in solitary situations with men, so it was mostly a matter of "not saying yes, but not saying no, either," which, i know can be considered rape. i was rather in shock, but she was just so upset, i had to console her somehow, so i made a couple of jokes, made her laugh, etc.

the thing is, in her mind, she didn't feel raped, but she felt like her virginity had been unjustly taken from her. in response, i pulled something completely out of my ass about the belief in some people/cultures that losing one's virginity is the penetration as well as orgasm, not just penetration, because i had to say SOMETHING to console her. i don't know if this is even true, and i dunno if there is this belief in any culture, and i don't even know if i believe it.

so what do you guys think? or would you know anything about the sociological aspect of it? and lastly, was i justified in saying this, at least iin telling her?

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Words of Wisdom:

If you could really get to know someone and know that they weren't lying to you, then you would know the world was real. Because you could agree on things, you could compare notes. That must be why people get married or make Art. So they'll be able to really know something and not go insane.

slimcr

I might be wrong here but I dont think in any culture, losing your V means orgasm...... now there are many cultures out there but I cant think of any.....

I guess you were wrong to say such a thing, its actually a bit funny to even think of it that way but it can be understood completely that you were simply trying to be nice and make her feel better.

I dont think its even possible for her to bring it up or accuse you of anythign other than trying to be nice.

If such a thing happened to her, the best thing you can do is give her your full support and if you consider it necessary perhaps a little professional help could help her out.

Rape can be and is a very difficult subject for someone without training.

mystmarimatt

oh no, i don't think she'll get mad at me for or anything, i guess just in general, i was asking what everyone's definition of losing their virginity is, less of the other questions

__________________
Words of Wisdom:

If you could really get to know someone and know that they weren't lying to you, then you would know the world was real. Because you could agree on things, you could compare notes. That must be why people get married or make Art. So they'll be able to really know something and not go insane.

toxic515

Thanks to Bill Clinton there are a lot more questions about virginity than there used to be... Physiologically it's coitus... Vaginal penitration. Psychologically, which I tend to view as more important here, I think it's got a whole more options. I personally feel that intentionally performing a sex act (you know, on stage with 3 monkeys and a dildo...{kidding, really}) but really, performing a sexually intimate act with another person is a loss of virginity. It's the change in innocense and responsibility that marks the real changes brought about by sexual activity.

Did your friend really lose her virginity? yes, she did. There's a site out there called technicalvirgin.com , I think, that kind of makes light of the whole "what's sex and where is your virginity now?" question.

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MSD

My thoughts on the subject are that while forced penetration can technically be a first sex experience, someone's virginity can only be taken if it is willingly given. Sex should be a pleasureable experience for everyone, especially the first time.

You did the right thing to try to make her feel better. Continue to support her when she needs it.

razzdazz

Hmmm.... on the one hand, I would commend you, on the other, I'm not sure if that was a good idea at all, ALTHOUGH, I wouldn't have done any better even in retrospect. :S

Having said that, I have to say that I know a woman who's been married a few years, who's had a few boyfriends, who has had penetrative sex (but of course!) but not quite had the decent enough partner to really do her the honour of an orgasm.. Sadly, I know this is also an issue on its own, but to completely circumvent that, my input and personal opinion is of that the loss of virginity is in the engagement of penetrative sex. Whether or not orgasm is achieved is beside the point. Thats my view on the matter...

With regard to the 'other' issue - again, in my personal opinion, if the consent is not forthcoming, then its rape, or non-consentual intercourse. I know its a sublime and utterly thin line between one to the other, but being the 'aggressor' so to speak, I think the onus lies in the males to be more 'attentive' to whether or not the act is agreeable, and consentual to the other party.

Phew! Sorry for the convolutions - thats all! :S - Feel free to refute, agree, or disregard these words entirely..

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