Averett

Why do we still have dating rules? I've seen too many threads around here where somebody gives advice that looks like this "Oh don't call the girl the day after you've met her. You're just going to look desperate." Who cares?

Would you want to date somebody who turns their nose up at your phone call like that? "Damn, she called me right away. She must be desperate!" Ever think that maybe she just had a good time and would like the chance to get to know you?

Am I the only one who thinks that these unwritten rules need to be thrown out the window? Do you follow certian dating rules? What are they? Why do you still use them?

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spived2

I just play it by ear. Advice and rules are for people not confident enough to do it on their own.

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"This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V." - V

absorbentishe

Been a long long time since I dated, but yes, the unwritten rules should be thrown out. If you had a good time, and really want to get to know the other person, as quickly as possible, then <I>call</I> right away!!! Or do what ever you need to, to get the other person's attention.

shannon

yeah, i'm a big fan of rulelessness. Xirax and i started dating and had no idea what we were doing and just figured it out by being honest and real and four years later we're the only couple still together from high school.

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yournamehere

If he cares about you, he'll be thrilled you took the initiative and called.
If he doesn't care about you, he'll think you're desperate - but in that case, where's the harm? The relationship wasn't going anywhere anyway.

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Averett

I'm just baffeled by relationship dynamics.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Jedbeck

I think the dating rules should be thrown out as well. Every person and every relationship is different how can you have one set of rules to cover all of this?

Some people enjoy lots of attention, others do not. I think that if someone calls you then next day after a date it just shows that they enjoy your company and hope that you enjoyed theirs in return.

skysooner

What is sad is that my sister-in-law landed her husband by following the advice from the book "The Rules". I'm actually pretty sure that she would have landed him anyway, but it was kind of funny to know that he reacted pretty much the way the book said he would.

Eowyn_Vala

Rules out! I didn't follow any of them, I never even bothered to know what they were. Be who you are and you shouldn't have a problem, unless you're an ass that might create a few problems!

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DG: And, how am I doing?
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darkallaround

just as long as you dont pull off an immediate phone call like that guy on the movie "swingers", its all good. play it by ear, shoot from the hip (or at the hip ) and enjoy life.
screw the rules.

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the darkness it surrounds me, consumes my very soul. within this worthless existence i shall never be made whole.

SabrinaFair

I hate relationship rules too....which isn't to say I never follow them. But rules I refuse to accept:
*He has to pay
*He gets to say "I love you" first
*In fact, he should make all the first moves
*You should wait "X" amount of time before making love
*You should wait "X" amount of time before saying "I love you"

Do what feels right. That's what my most current relationship has taught me. Follow your feelings...everything else will work itself out eventually.

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oberon

Wow, I'm joining the club here.

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"There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

analog

Ditto. Dead-on.

Sleepyjack

AGGGH too many mind games!

Jedbeck

There are enough things to stress about in life, why should a person have to stress so much about people they enjoy spending time with.

vveronica

it is a game that too many people play, but, there is no way to tell who is playing and who is not playing. I don't play them all the time, and sure I look at the phone the day after wanting to call, but, I just cant... If he calls, GREAT, but then i think about the lil worry in the back of the mind, saying is he clinging, is he going to become obsessive..? See, the question then becomes, not if to play the game or not, but, who is and who is not playing?

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Averett

I agree. I don't know why we collectively make things so had!

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

MSD

If I call back the next day, it's because I said I would and I try to do what I said I would. If I don't, it's because I just didn't have time.

Calling back promptly (next day, or two days max.) is courteous. Calling back within a few hours is creepy.

Averett

It's not just about the phone calls. It's all the other relationship things.

Say you see a group of girls out in a bar. There are 3 maybe 4. But there is that one who caught your eye. Chances are, you're not going to approach her. Why? Cause of her friends. What if they make fun of you somehow? You don't want to go into a pack of girls like that.

Why not? Take the chance!

I know I follow dating rules, and I wish I didn't. There are many times when I see an attractive guy but I don't approach him. It's more because I'm shy than because I think the guy should do the approaching.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

anti fishstick

yeah i don't like playing games. and sometimes all the 'rules' feel like its all just a game. and it sucks. i hate post-breakup games too. those are even worse. i kind of like the mystery and appeal of dating and getting to know someone.

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Rubyee

I enjoy the rules. Only because I go out of my way to try and break them. Like with Ryan, we broke the rules together, without even knowing. I made all the first moves, I told him I loved him first, we planned our second date while on the first one, which happened to be 12 hours later. I love going out of my way to break them! I think it gets people's attention and makes them feel that you are genuinely interested in them, so much so that you don't care what rules you break.

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Jedbeck

More often than not this is more a self esteem issue than a dating rule. However I definitely see where you are going with this.

danielboy

I don't really follow any but my sister does. Some of her rules:
A guy must have multiple degrees or he is out the door
A guy must not call more than once before the girl calls him back
Calling before three days is a no no
If he burps in public, he's out

she doesn't date for too long

juanvaldes

There are rules?

well shit...and here I am 3 years later and no one told me!

Toz

The world needs limits.

powder

One rule I have is "Avoid advice from people on the internet who you do not know."

water_boy1999

Hate the rules, hate the game. vveronica brings up a good point that it is difficult to tell who is even "in" the game any more. I am back in the dating pool and I can honestly say I abhor it. I am tired of having someone tell me they had such a wonderful date, which it usually was, then call a few days later but no response. Or, they are super busy with their lives or school, or.....whatever. Point is, I try to play by the so called "rules", but I don't think they apply to this day and age.

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Doh!!!!


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rainheart

3 or 4 girls? Yeah, you're right, the friends would probably make fun of him. They are probably pissed off that you're getting all the attention!!

That's why you have to isolate the girl for better chances of success, or befriend whoever is likely to interfere your attempt to get to know the girl you are attracted to better. In addition, you can bring other people with you as a part of your own group (if they are any good) as social proof (e.g. you and a girl friend of yours who extroverted enough to approach people).

And to me, all that stuff is not just some rule. It's a method. Random efforts that lack method do not produce effective results.

Imagine, you befriend the girls in the group and one of them makes fun of you or snaps at you in a rude manner (which it originally would not be if you didn't befriend or disarm them first) after you begin to converse with the one girl in the group you were really attracted to... and then her remark would be viewed as immature, she wouldn't be in a position to repel you from your target.

As for the amount of time that you should wait before making the phonecall... I play it by ear.