Marrige Changes - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

nextlevel1 · 09-28-2003, 12:27 AM

It seems like since me and my wife have been married ( 1 year ) our sex life has been dwindling slowly. Weve been together for a total of 5 years , so i guess we wore it out early?!?!

Anyways, its like she dosent want to try anything new, its the same ole me on top then her on top do your thing have an orgasm and its over. I can say she gets very experimental when shes been drinking and i enjoy that alot but i want her to be sober and be just as exciting! I need help!

Does anybody no anyway i can get her to open up to new things again? She was a freak when we first got together, but its like we act like Al & Peg Bundy sometimes now. I want to try differnet things with her!

Any advise on what to do or how to do it? I want to try new things but its hard to get her to open up to them!

lurkette · 09-28-2003, 04:43 AM

Part of this is just the normal cycle of marriage - there's a joke that if you put a bean in a jar every time you have sex during the first year of marriage, and then take a bean out every time you have sex during the rest of your life, the jar will never get emptied. It's kind of a bleak assessment, but hey, it's just a joke.

However, there's some familiarization that does happen after that first year, and sometimes you just need to wait it out and see what happens. I think there's also something psychological that happens when you're married as opposed to just dating, it's like what sometimes happens after a woman has a kid - she becomes "mother" in her mind and in the man's, and sex just doesn't seem right. Maybe she's now "wife" in her mind, and that's somehow different to her than the supah freak girlfriend she used to be.

The best thing you can do is talk to her about this - tell her that you miss that side of her, see what she says about why it's disappeared. And try everything to break out of the routine - little things, like sex in different rooms of the house, food play (we've discovered that frozen grapes are yummy...and fun!), kick in a little romance or something - take her to a hotel with a huge jacuzzi tub and fill it with rose petals and surround it with candles. There's no reason you have to be condemned to vanilla June & Ward sex - just remember to talk about it and be creative your own self, and gently pull her along with you.

skysooner · 09-28-2003, 06:16 AM

This old adage doesn't have to be true. It sure isn't with me and my wife. We are having far more intense and better sex after 12 years of marriage than we did in our first year. Part of the secret comes from throwing off the chains of familiarity that you both have for each other. This is what worked with my wife. We both had a nice comfortable relationship with each other, and we would have sex a couple of times a week when it was convenient and the kids were otherwise occupied. The sex was good but not stellar. When we went away on vacation without the kids, the sex would get all hot and very frequent (several times a day). The secret was that we were there for each other constantly, and we would kind of rediscover each other. We finally decided to make this work in our daily lives. When I get home from work, we spend anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hrs of just us time (talking, holding, lightly kissing). This can be done with the kids around, in the kitchen while she is cooking, etc. It are these moments that constantly allow us to remain emotionally connected. It also intensifies both her and my libido. We can just touch each other now to get each other arroused. Today when she was blow drying her hair and was in her bra and panties, I went up behind her and just held her from behind. I massaged her stomach muscles, arms, outer thights and butt. She had just got done running 5 miles, so it felt good for her. It turned both of us on. It just takes a bit more effort on both of your parts to achieve those intense sexual feelings again.

sexymama · 09-28-2003, 02:29 PM

Skysooner -- good for you! He is right on, the key is "working" at it. For many woman, sex starts in the morning and last all day. In other words, the more kindness you show her throughout the day (kissing her passionately goodbye, calling to say you love her, leaving a note in her lunch, etc.) and the more helpfullness your provide (doing your part of the housework without being asked, cooking dinner -- remember to add the candles -- etc.) the more energy she will have for sex in the evening.

In other words, she use to like sex a lot more. My guess is it is because you use to pay a lot more attention to her. Pay attention!

Remember, you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. So, the question you should be asking is, "what can I do to make this better?"

As for trying new things, talk, Talk, TALK. Share your fantasies and encourage her when she shares hers. Really listen! After sharing for awhile, then suggest acting on one -- maybe she will slowly open up.

Mupwah · 09-28-2003, 05:43 PM

The sex starts with affection. Pay more attention to her and the sex will come. I tell my wife how much I love her and how sexy she is numerous times per day. I hug her and kiss her and let her know I love her and show affection without sex. The more I pay attention to her the more she wants sex. We have been togather 4 years and married 2 1/2 and the sex just gets better. It may not be every day but it is still 2-3 or more times per week. Just today I was drinking a beer watching NASCAR and she came in and started rubbing on me. Next thing we are having sex while I watch the last 40 laps of the race. Married sex is GREAT!!!

absorbentishe · 09-28-2003, 06:50 PM

My wife and I have been married almost 8 yrs, and in the last 1 1/2, we've had far more and better sex. It has only gotten better through the years. Not that in the beginning we didn't have a lot, I worked 3rds and we didn't spend as much time together as we could have.

09-28-2003, 12:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
nextlevel1 Upright Location: louisiana	Marrige Changes It seems like since me and my wife have been married ( 1 year ) our sex life has been dwindling slowly. Weve been together for a total of 5 years , so i guess we wore it out early?!?! Anyways, its like she dosent want to try anything new, its the same ole me on top then her on top do your thing have an orgasm and its over. I can say she gets very experimental when shes been drinking and i enjoy that alot but i want her to be sober and be just as exciting! I need help! Does anybody no anyway i can get her to open up to new things again? She was a freak when we first got together, but its like we act like Al & Peg Bundy sometimes now. I want to try differnet things with her! Any advise on what to do or how to do it? I want to try new things but its hard to get her to open up to them! __________________ "To be old & wise, you must first be young & stupid."

09-28-2003, 04:43 AM	#2 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Part of this is just the normal cycle of marriage - there's a joke that if you put a bean in a jar every time you have sex during the first year of marriage, and then take a bean out every time you have sex during the rest of your life, the jar will never get emptied. It's kind of a bleak assessment, but hey, it's just a joke. However, there's some familiarization that does happen after that first year, and sometimes you just need to wait it out and see what happens. I think there's also something psychological that happens when you're married as opposed to just dating, it's like what sometimes happens after a woman has a kid - she becomes "mother" in her mind and in the man's, and sex just doesn't seem right. Maybe she's now "wife" in her mind, and that's somehow different to her than the supah freak girlfriend she used to be. The best thing you can do is talk to her about this - tell her that you miss that side of her, see what she says about why it's disappeared. And try everything to break out of the routine - little things, like sex in different rooms of the house, food play (we've discovered that frozen grapes are yummy...and fun!), kick in a little romance or something - take her to a hotel with a huge jacuzzi tub and fill it with rose petals and surround it with candles. There's no reason you have to be condemned to vanilla June & Ward sex - just remember to talk about it and be creative your own self, and gently pull her along with you. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

09-28-2003, 02:29 PM	#4 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Skysooner -- good for you! He is right on, the key is "working" at it. For many woman, sex starts in the morning and last all day. In other words, the more kindness you show her throughout the day (kissing her passionately goodbye, calling to say you love her, leaving a note in her lunch, etc.) and the more helpfullness your provide (doing your part of the housework without being asked, cooking dinner -- remember to add the candles -- etc.) the more energy she will have for sex in the evening. In other words, she use to like sex a lot more. My guess is it is because you use to pay a lot more attention to her. Pay attention! Remember, you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. So, the question you should be asking is, "what can I do to make this better?" As for trying new things, talk, Talk, TALK. Share your fantasies and encourage her when she shares hers. Really listen! After sharing for awhile, then suggest acting on one -- maybe she will slowly open up. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

09-28-2003, 05:43 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mupwah Tilted Location: Rock Ridge	The sex starts with affection. Pay more attention to her and the sex will come. I tell my wife how much I love her and how sexy she is numerous times per day. I hug her and kiss her and let her know I love her and show affection without sex. The more I pay attention to her the more she wants sex. We have been togather 4 years and married 2 1/2 and the sex just gets better. It may not be every day but it is still 2-3 or more times per week. Just today I was drinking a beer watching NASCAR and she came in and started rubbing on me. Next thing we are having sex while I watch the last 40 laps of the race. Married sex is GREAT!!! __________________ "Scuse me while I whip this out"

09-28-2003, 06:16 AM	#3 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	This old adage doesn't have to be true. It sure isn't with me and my wife. We are having far more intense and better sex after 12 years of marriage than we did in our first year. Part of the secret comes from throwing off the chains of familiarity that you both have for each other. This is what worked with my wife. We both had a nice comfortable relationship with each other, and we would have sex a couple of times a week when it was convenient and the kids were otherwise occupied. The sex was good but not stellar. When we went away on vacation without the kids, the sex would get all hot and very frequent (several times a day). The secret was that we were there for each other constantly, and we would kind of rediscover each other. We finally decided to make this work in our daily lives. When I get home from work, we spend anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hrs of just us time (talking, holding, lightly kissing). This can be done with the kids around, in the kitchen while she is cooking, etc. It are these moments that constantly allow us to remain emotionally connected. It also intensifies both her and my libido. We can just touch each other now to get each other arroused. Today when she was blow drying her hair and was in her bra and panties, I went up behind her and just held her from behind. I massaged her stomach muscles, arms, outer thights and butt. She had just got done running 5 miles, so it felt good for her. It turned both of us on. It just takes a bit more effort on both of your parts to achieve those intense sexual feelings again.

09-28-2003, 06:50 PM	#6 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	My wife and I have been married almost 8 yrs, and in the last 1 1/2, we've had far more and better sex. It has only gotten better through the years. Not that in the beginning we didn't have a lot, I worked 3rds and we didn't spend as much time together as we could have.