What would you do? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Menoman · 08-09-2003, 11:46 PM

Very hard decision I'm going to have to be making soon. Curious what some of you would do if you were in my situation.

My current g/f of 1 year and 6 months or so, we'll call her Kaka, and myself (Menoman) love each other very much. She loves me more-so than I love her I think though. The thing is alot of the time I see other girls and I really really want the option of going and talking and maybe getting the number and stuff. I see girls on TV and it reminds me of this, I see em in RL and it reminds me of this, I just fuckin think about girls and it reminds of it.

I do love her, I'm not sure if I'm IN love with her anymore. If we break up she is really going to be hurt I know this for a fact. But if we don't I am not sure I'll be happy for much longer :\

Hmm, So, anyone like to share what they think they'd do?

cheerios · 08-09-2003, 11:51 PM

if you stay with her, you'll hurt her, too, if you can't return her love. I'd break it clean. she'll heal, and drawing it out is jsut prolonging the agony.

baudot · 08-09-2003, 11:51 PM

Sounds entirely normal. Love tends to last 1.5 years, give or take a half year, if not otherwise acted on. (Having kids can muck with it.) That's the answer from the last few years of brain chemistry study.

Or, as a polyamorist, i feel compelled to point out that your main complaint is that you no longer are inclined to be monogamous with the girl, so you think this means that the relationship is ending. If that's all that it is, maybe it just means that you're not a naturally monogamous person and you should look into responsible & ethical forms of swinging or polyamory. I don't get the vibe off of your message that this is what's going on, however.

Menoman · 08-09-2003, 11:59 PM

I never figured I was a monogamous type of person, I've always loved females being with them and moving to another one to see how its like over there.

Maybe this is sorta an attempt to try and break the habit of jumping from girl to girl, I donno what it is :P I donno about doing the swinging stuff, I'd be up for it but really doubt she would.

BrinlyNoya · 08-10-2003, 12:22 AM

I just went through this!!!!!!! Cept mine was a lil more severe, he was obsessed with me, and I grew to hate his guts........... why was it more severe? Because I didn't nip it in the butt before it got that bad. It started out wit him loving me more than I loved him.. but really, relationships are all about equality, and sharing, if you can't share in an equal mutual level of love... its hard to have a really good relationship. Be honest.. sit her down, talk to her.. tell her exactly what you said on here.. So it now, before things get sticky.. Not only did I fuck up the past 4 monthes of my life, I basically spit upon the first guy that bought me roses..

and I totally didn't mean.. I stayed with him because I wanted him to be happy and thought I was doing the right thing..

mml · 08-10-2003, 01:39 AM

I have been married for seven years to a woman I have known for seventeen years. People are always telling us that we are the perfect couple, so much in love, soulmates, and I tend to agree with them. However, this was not always the case. There is a reason it took me ten years to marry her and I think you understand it. I felt the need to "look around" like many men and women do.

My father had a bit of a wandering eye(and other body parts) and really messed up his marriage so I made a commitment to not follow in his footsteps. While breaking it off was very hard to do and hurt her, she will agree with me that it was the best course. In time I came to realize she was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, but if I had messed around on her we wouldn't have the wonderful life we have today.

Don't be a man, be a gentleman.

World's King · 08-10-2003, 12:34 PM

[sarcasm]
If I didn't have a heart I would tell you to get really loaded at a house party one night and fuck some random girl in the bathroom.

And I don't have a heart so get really loaded at a house party one night and fuck some random girl in the bathroom.
[\sarcasm]

[real response]
The best thing you can do is talk to her about how you feel. Be honest. It's hard for guys to be honest, I know but if you love her (even a little bit) you owe it to her to be honest and forthcoming.
[/real response]

skysooner · 08-10-2003, 04:00 PM

I was in a similar situation to this. I was living with a girl in college who I felt loved me more than I loved her. My love was very immature at that time, and I guess I didn't really know what it was all about. Luckily she sensed it and broke it up before I coud. I wasn't sure I had the courage to do it. However she did us both a great service as I ended up with a woman who was almost perfect for me. If your "romantic love" hasn't morphed into something resembling strong friendship with those romantic stirrings, I seriously doubt you two are going to last. Maybe she is the right girl but at the wrong time in your life. Take the advice of the posts above and lay it on the line. It very well might lead to a breakup but wouldn't you rather have it happen now than after marrying her and having several kids?

Evil Milkman · 08-10-2003, 09:28 PM

Menoman,

You sound exactly how I felt about a month ago. If you truly don't feel you're IN love with your g/f, I'd say end it as soon as you feel you can. It's hard going through with it, but both you and her (eventually) will have felt that it was the right thing.

Good luck!

curveedv8 · 08-10-2003, 09:49 PM

OK, from the POV of the girl (having just been the "loves too much" girl a similar situation as above.) End it now! Don't drag it out, it fucking sucks! Even more so when you look back and realise that the past 6 months when you knew there was a problem, you didn't do anything about it hoping things would get better. We're both really good friends - that what our "love" morphed too, but somedays I really resent that those months were in effect wasted. I could have used them to get over him and gotten on with things much sooner.

Ahh, but what can you do.

lurkette · 08-11-2003, 05:55 AM

Add my $.02 to the piggy bank that says end it soon. You're not doing her any favors staying with her if you don't love her and are inclined to chase after other women. Let her go mope, heal, and find someone who really cares about her while you go pursue your own happiness. Some relationships just aren't meant to be and there's no sense in dragging them out to save someone's feelings.

jimk · 08-11-2003, 08:32 AM

i think you should break it clean. it will allow her to heal up quicker & you to explore the field. if you get out there for a while & find you're miserable without her (not just 'cause you're lonely, but because you miss the way she smiles, smells, etc...), let her know. maybe she'll still be interested. there are no sure things, for you or her. everything involves risk & indecision. one thing for certain is that if you stay with her without ever checking out this impulse while you're young, you will when you're older, and then risk fucking up a few more people's lives (i.e. kids).

i sound pretty opinionated in that last paragraph, but i do speak from experience. i ran pretty hard in my 20's, and i think the memories (good & bad) are the only way i have a shot at being faithful to my marriage & family now.

08-10-2003, 01:39 AM	#6 (permalink)
mml Adrift Location: Wandering in the Desert of Life	I have been married for seven years to a woman I have known for seventeen years. People are always telling us that we are the perfect couple, so much in love, soulmates, and I tend to agree with them. However, this was not always the case. There is a reason it took me ten years to marry her and I think you understand it. I felt the need to "look around" like many men and women do. My father had a bit of a wandering eye(and other body parts) and really messed up his marriage so I made a commitment to not follow in his footsteps. While breaking it off was very hard to do and hurt her, she will agree with me that it was the best course. In time I came to realize she was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, but if I had messed around on her we wouldn't have the wonderful life we have today. Don't be a man, be a gentleman. __________________ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -Douglas Adams

08-10-2003, 12:34 PM	#7 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	[sarcasm] If I didn't have a heart I would tell you to get really loaded at a house party one night and fuck some random girl in the bathroom. And I don't have a heart so get really loaded at a house party one night and fuck some random girl in the bathroom. [\sarcasm] [real response] The best thing you can do is talk to her about how you feel. Be honest. It's hard for guys to be honest, I know but if you love her (even a little bit) you owe it to her to be honest and forthcoming. [/real response] __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

08-11-2003, 05:55 AM	#11 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Add my $.02 to the piggy bank that says end it soon. You're not doing her any favors staying with her if you don't love her and are inclined to chase after other women. Let her go mope, heal, and find someone who really cares about her while you go pursue your own happiness. Some relationships just aren't meant to be and there's no sense in dragging them out to save someone's feelings. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

08-11-2003, 08:32 AM	#12 (permalink)
jimk Addict Location: Chicago	i think you should break it clean. it will allow her to heal up quicker & you to explore the field. if you get out there for a while & find you're miserable without her (not just 'cause you're lonely, but because you miss the way she smiles, smells, etc...), let her know. maybe she'll still be interested. there are no sure things, for you or her. everything involves risk & indecision. one thing for certain is that if you stay with her without ever checking out this impulse while you're young, you will when you're older, and then risk fucking up a few more people's lives (i.e. kids). i sound pretty opinionated in that last paragraph, but i do speak from experience. i ran pretty hard in my 20's, and i think the memories (good & bad) are the only way i have a shot at being faithful to my marriage & family now. __________________ raw power is a guaranteed o.d. raw power is a laughin' at you & me -iggy

08-09-2003, 11:51 PM	#2 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	if you stay with her, you'll hurt her, too, if you can't return her love. I'd break it clean. she'll heal, and drawing it out is jsut prolonging the agony.

08-09-2003, 11:51 PM	#3 (permalink)
baudot Tilted Location: Today: St. Louis.	Sounds entirely normal. Love tends to last 1.5 years, give or take a half year, if not otherwise acted on. (Having kids can muck with it.) That's the answer from the last few years of brain chemistry study. Or, as a polyamorist, i feel compelled to point out that your main complaint is that you no longer are inclined to be monogamous with the girl, so you think this means that the relationship is ending. If that's all that it is, maybe it just means that you're not a naturally monogamous person and you should look into responsible & ethical forms of swinging or polyamory. I don't get the vibe off of your message that this is what's going on, however.

08-10-2003, 12:22 AM	#5 (permalink)
BrinlyNoya Crazy	I just went through this!!!!!!! Cept mine was a lil more severe, he was obsessed with me, and I grew to hate his guts........... why was it more severe? Because I didn't nip it in the butt before it got that bad. It started out wit him loving me more than I loved him.. but really, relationships are all about equality, and sharing, if you can't share in an equal mutual level of love... its hard to have a really good relationship. Be honest.. sit her down, talk to her.. tell her exactly what you said on here.. So it now, before things get sticky.. Not only did I fuck up the past 4 monthes of my life, I basically spit upon the first guy that bought me roses.. and I totally didn't mean.. I stayed with him because I wanted him to be happy and thought I was doing the right thing..

08-10-2003, 04:00 PM	#8 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	I was in a similar situation to this. I was living with a girl in college who I felt loved me more than I loved her. My love was very immature at that time, and I guess I didn't really know what it was all about. Luckily she sensed it and broke it up before I coud. I wasn't sure I had the courage to do it. However she did us both a great service as I ended up with a woman who was almost perfect for me. If your "romantic love" hasn't morphed into something resembling strong friendship with those romantic stirrings, I seriously doubt you two are going to last. Maybe she is the right girl but at the wrong time in your life. Take the advice of the posts above and lay it on the line. It very well might lead to a breakup but wouldn't you rather have it happen now than after marrying her and having several kids?

08-10-2003, 09:28 PM	#9 (permalink)
Evil Milkman Addict Location: Illinois	Menoman, You sound exactly how I felt about a month ago. If you truly don't feel you're IN love with your g/f, I'd say end it as soon as you feel you can. It's hard going through with it, but both you and her (eventually) will have felt that it was the right thing. Good luck!

08-10-2003, 09:49 PM	#10 (permalink)
curveedv8 Tilted Location: Sydney, Australia	OK, from the POV of the girl (having just been the "loves too much" girl a similar situation as above.) End it now! Don't drag it out, it fucking sucks! Even more so when you look back and realise that the past 6 months when you knew there was a problem, you didn't do anything about it hoping things would get better. We're both really good friends - that what our "love" morphed too, but somedays I really resent that those months were in effect wasted. I could have used them to get over him and gotten on with things much sooner. Ahh, but what can you do.