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Old 08-05-2003, 10:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Do you consider this a screw up?

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Old 08-05-2003, 10:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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perhaps you should have consulted the mrs. first, but you're not in the wrong, if it's truly in the interest of art :P
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Old 08-05-2003, 10:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
You're married?

You keep in touch with an ex.

You send naked pics of yourself to said ex.

Your wife finds out by accident.


And you're asking if you were wrong?!


Dude, you've got issues.

Of course it was wrong. I'm astounded you even have to ask.

Be a man, stand up and accept the fact that you did indeed screw-up.

Mr Mephisto
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Old 08-05-2003, 10:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sounds like she may be misinterpreting your intentions in the name of art, or upset about the flirtatious exchange you're having with your Ex. She's probably afraid that this might lead to other things that may affect your marriage with her, and I don't blame her for feeling suspicious or even a bit jealous. No one in a commited relationship really feels comfortable about some random (or not-so-random) girl/guy hitting on your SO. That's probably the main reason why she's upset, and I guess you'll have to use your own better judgment if you're going to continue talking to this Ex. If you have any scruples about it at all, it's probably damaging to your relationship with your wife, so I'd definitely discuss it with her or reassure her that it's not anything for her to worry about.
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Old 08-05-2003, 11:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Old 08-05-2003, 11:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Sorry don't mean to harsh but "In the name of art" is bullshit.
If it was truly for art's sake your ex would have found a model. Do you regularly model nude for artists? Are you a professional life drawing model?

You send naked pics to your ex then you got something going on. Your wife has every right to be pissed.
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Old 08-05-2003, 11:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by xxmsaxx
Me sending a pic to someone who happens to be my ex for some nude art she is doing for school just seems like a dumb reason for her to get all worked up.
Ask yourself this question.

How would you feel if you "caught" her sending nude pictures of herself to someone she used to f*ck?

Then think about how it may look to her.

Artistic nudes...

Gimme a break.

Mr Mephisto
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Old 08-05-2003, 11:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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i'm with mephisto on this one.

if you're truly dense enough to not know why you're in the dog house, well you don't deserve out.

Me, when I fuck up I know I did, and I know why, and I try to learn from that mistake. Then, I get let out of the dog house.
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Old 08-06-2003, 02:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Wow, actually agree with the Meph...someone else, I think it may have been Halx said "It's cheating if you don't want your SO to know." Since you didn't tell her, one must assume you didn't want to tell her. This is pretty big, and to not discuss it with her first shows a serious flaw in your marriage: lack of communication.

-my 2 cents, probably only worth that much, but so be it.
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Old 08-06-2003, 04:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm all screwed up with the math....

You are 23....you've been married for 5 yrs (making you 18 when you got married)...your wife almost married another guy when she was 18...and you sent naked pictures to your ex whom you dated, before your wife, for 5 years (from perhaps 13 to 18).......

what is my point? don't know...
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Old 08-06-2003, 04:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Old 08-06-2003, 04:34 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Gotta agree with others when they say you should have consulted with her before sending the pics. It is water under the bridge though. As far as her going into your email, that does kind of suck. But let me ask, what would you have done if you saw a PM to her saying "Wow, your tits are amazing!"

I think you were both a bit in the wrong but I think you should be the bigger person, suck it up and make nice. There are likely a few insecurities on her end with the whole idea that you're still so close with someone you dated for so long.
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Old 08-06-2003, 04:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Old 08-06-2003, 05:15 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I've been in a similar situation with my Hubby prior to me coming out of my shell sexually. One thing that would have maybe bothered me about this is I may have felt like you were hiding this from me. In order for you to take the pics without her knowing about it already you would have had to plan to take them when she wasn't around. I would have felt betrayed somewhat.

I would say your best move would be to apologize for hiding it from her and for not making sure she'd be Ok with it. I mean she probably considers you "Her's" now and to share pics of you with someone else would be partly her decision too. She may not say she views it that way but deep down she may feel that way. It's not selfish for her to think that way. She just values you and felt hurt that you didn't check with her.

Sit down and talk to her. Let her know that you are still hers and this was just something you didn't stop to think about. Apologize and don't try to play down what you did - it would just sound like you were minimizing her feelings.

Now as to whether it was wrong or not? I would not say it was being unfaithful or anything so big a deal as that. It was just an error in judgement and a mistake to not inform your wife. Not wrong in my opinion.
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Old 08-06-2003, 05:36 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Old 08-06-2003, 07:30 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I understand what you're saying xxmsaxx and I believe you about not wanting anything sexual from it but what I'm saying is more about how your wife feels. You did good by spoiling her. Has she apologized or done anything to make up for violating your privacy?
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Old 08-06-2003, 08:05 AM   #17 (permalink)
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just think about whether or not you would want you wife to do this. For me you crossed the line of flirting as a married man
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Old 08-06-2003, 08:34 AM   #18 (permalink)
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What you did was wrong.... never send naked ics to a woman, no matter what the artistic intentions were... if you are married this is just wrong. I'm glad you wined and dined her to make up for it. Also she shouldn't have looked at your email but there was an extenuating circumstance... just talk to her about.

Still i am confused about this timeline thing... If you have been married since you were 18 and dated this other girl from 13-18 how can you have other ex-girlfriends?
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Old 08-06-2003, 09:23 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Location: NJ
Quote:
Originally posted by Katyblu
What you did was wrong.... never send naked ics to a woman, no matter what the artistic intentions were... if you are married this is just wrong. I'm glad you wined and dined her to make up for it. Also she shouldn't have looked at your email but there was an extenuating circumstance... just talk to her about.

Still i am confused about this timeline thing... If you have been married since you were 18 and dated this other girl from 13-18 how can you have other ex-girlfriends?
Two reasons I can think of off the top of my head:

1. He's giving approximate timelines. Maybe he and the first girlfriend were on again and off again and he dated in between.

2. Maybe dated multiple people at once?
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Old 08-06-2003, 11:36 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Old 08-06-2003, 12:05 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Your wife is not being unreasonable for being a bit irked about it. The only explaination I can come up with is to tell your wife that it would be easier for your ex to ask you (someone she knows well) for the nude pics, instead of some stranger.

But really, she could have gone to some website to get a nude pic of a guy. Is it totally wrong to assume that this ex-gf may still have feelings for you?
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Old 08-06-2003, 01:17 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Old 08-06-2003, 01:42 PM   #23 (permalink)
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did you fuckup? oh hell yes you did!! but i will give you credit you got balls. women are funny that way ,but you only been married 5 yrs so you got alot to learn about women
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Old 08-06-2003, 02:27 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Well I guess it's time for me to put in my own two cents. I am the wife in question here and I was really mad. Mainly because it was hidden from me. I don't like this woman and I totally think this chick has hidden agendas. We have a very open relationship, and had xxmsaxx been upfront I probably woudn't have cared (if it was some other chick). But I didn't like this chick long before I met my husband, so it isn't completely about their past. I just really dont like her. I have apoligized for the e-mail thing, and I have never looked at his e-mail before. But I saw an IM that made me look (since I don't trust this chick). I don't think xxmsaxx meant anything by doing this, but I think he should have discussed it with me first (besides we have alot of other friends that are badass artist if he wants to see his dick sketched that bad).
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Old 08-06-2003, 02:29 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by dmac05
I'm all screwed up with the math....

You are 23....you've been married for 5 yrs (making you 18 when you got married)...your wife almost married another guy when she was 18...and you sent naked pictures to your ex whom you dated, before your wife, for 5 years (from perhaps 13 to 18).......

what is my point? don't know...
I dont know what he is talking about. I hated that guy and broke up with him before I was seventeen. Never anywhere close to marriage.
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Old 08-06-2003, 02:36 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Here's where you screwed up: you were defensive when caught.

Maybe this is something you learn between years five and eight, but MAN, when I'm busted on someting, I <i>cop</i> to it. If you do that, the problem goes away. Otherwise it just looks like you've got something to hide, and then it's worse next time.

And your high-horse position about her looking in your email is just a smokescreen--your wife doesn't buy that and neither do we.
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Old 08-06-2003, 02:42 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by onetime2
Gotta agree with others when they say you should have consulted with her before sending the pics. It is water under the bridge though. As far as her going into your email, that does kind of suck. But let me ask, what would you have done if you saw a PM to her saying "Wow, your tits are amazing!"

I think you were both a bit in the wrong but I think you should be the bigger person, suck it up and make nice. There are likely a few insecurities on her end with the whole idea that you're still so close with someone you dated for so long.
I totally agree. We are all insecure to a point no matter what you say. We're only human and your wife doesn't want to "compete" with anyone else for any reason!!!
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Old 08-06-2003, 02:43 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Been there, done that...remember, delete the nudey pics from your pc before your girlfriend visits...or hide them well!
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Old 08-06-2003, 03:11 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ralvek
Been there, done that...remember, delete the nudey pics from your pc before your girlfriend visits...or hide them well!
Haha! Too bad he gave me the pics before I knew about this situation and said "here, I took these for YOU"!
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Old 08-06-2003, 04:24 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Location: San Antonio, TX
My opinion, you both screwed up.

She, because she shouldn't have looking into your personal things without permission.

You, because you didn't think about her feelings before sending the pictures.

Of the two, I think your screwup is pretty minor, and hers moderate. You should apologize for doing something that bothered her. Not that what you did was necessarily wrong in a moral sense. However, as a married guy, I've found it's important to try to avoid doing things that might upset my wife if she found out about them. This involves just a 'what would my wife think if she knew I did this?' question. It doesn't mean you don't do it, it just means you think about her feelings, and the consequences, before you do it. And ideally talk to her about it, instead of letting her find out.

She obviously shouldn't have pried into your e-mail, but from her point of view, I can sympathise - she came upon something that looked like you might be (for instance) cheating on her, and she investigated further. She shouldn't have done it, but I'm sure the temptation was very hard to resist.

The key thing to do: talk to her about it. Apologize for not taking her feelings into account, and tell her that you understand why she pried into your e-mail, but that you feel very strongly about it.

</novel>
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Old 08-06-2003, 09:02 PM   #31 (permalink)
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What were your intentions when you sent them to her?
Purely for the art?
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Old 08-06-2003, 10:37 PM   #32 (permalink)
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how bout the ex send you a finished project for your mrs
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Old 08-07-2003, 09:25 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I'd be pissed as hell.
 
Old 08-08-2003, 09:31 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Old 08-09-2003, 09:06 AM   #35 (permalink)
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i think it's all about how open the relationship is and the trust factor. nude models are VERY EXPENSIVE, people, and if she's starting out AND in school, she might not be able to afford a real one. marriage and relationships are about trust. sending naked pics for a specific purpose like that is fine as long as that's ALL they're for, and she needs to build on her trust issues a little- not to say what you did is completely innocent, you should have talked with her on it when you did it, but she needs to work on her trust a little.
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Old 08-09-2003, 11:05 AM   #36 (permalink)
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You could always volunteer to pose nude for a group of artists (men and women) and have your wife participate in the sketch class. Maybe she'd be more comfortable about letting you pose nude with more people. And that way it would be more impersonal, and she can brag about the hunk posing nude that is her husband.
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Old 08-09-2003, 08:59 PM   #37 (permalink)
Eh?
 
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*shrug* i dont see this as a big issue, the trust should be there, and she should just accept it, and ask you to consult her about stuff in the future, but, like you, i'm very open, and i dont think stuff like this is all the big of a deal. I dunno, just take stuff as it comes, and make up sex is the best..
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Old 08-10-2003, 06:20 PM   #38 (permalink)
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If you can't accept your wife's answer and you have to ask us, then it was wrong.
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Old 08-11-2003, 09:17 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Oh yea...you screwed up big time
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Old 08-11-2003, 09:43 AM   #40 (permalink)
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I think you screwed up....on a sensitive area such as this, it probably would have been wisest to tell your wife beforehand that you were going to send these pics out...at least then, it would have been a discussion rather than an argument. Assuming it was innocent, your wife wouldn't be pissed and would probably respect your thoughtfulness...
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