Conflict of Interests.....need advice. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Vaultboy · 07-25-2003, 05:38 AM

I have a slight conflict of interests, or at least that's what everyone tells me.....what do you think? I'd especially like the women on the boards to give an opinion

Ok, here's the situation: I work at a comp lab on campus. A couple of weeks ago, this girl came in to use a PC, and I stepped to her and asked if she would be interested in coffee and a chat. It was a gamble, being an "employee" asking a "client" out, but she's all that.

So yeah, we went for coffee and chatted, and here comes the dealio: She's still a first year student, and 4 years younger than me (I'm 22, she's 18) which is not a big deal to me, cuz she's really intelligent and witty. The problem is that she's going through that whole "I'm not studying what I want to be studying so I'm not really interested, so I'm gonna fail it" phase. I gather, in fact, thaty she doesn't really know WHAT she wants to be studying at all. Now all this is fine. You're supposed to be confused when you're eighteen. I know that. But I'm trained as a peer and career guidance counsellor for students as well, and I can't help but let that part of me take over. I'm especially not happy with her attitude of "fuck this year". It goes on your academic record, after all, and I further believe that no experiece is totally wasted.

So on the one hand, I'm trying to "get with her" (but she's also kinda seeing some guy at this stage) and on the other hand I'm trying to make her see that she shouldn't abandon her studies completely, even if she feels she needs to do some soul-searching (which I support).

Now my friends are telling me to let her go and grow up by herself and perhaps try again in a couple of years. I can do that, but I don't want to. But I get the feeling that perhaps I'm being too selfish. I'm also not sure if I purely just want to help her for her own sake, or if I have my own ulterior motives. (I rationalise this by arguing that she knows I want her, so my intentions in this regard must be altruistic, but I'm not convincing myself yet).

Being 18, she's still pretty impressionable, and I could probably end up moulding her to what I want her to be (either consciously or unconsciously). Plus they tell me that getting into a relationship and from the outset trying to "change" people can only lead to trouble.....what do you think?

lurkette · 07-25-2003, 05:59 AM

I don't know if I'd describe this as a conflict of interest so much as a warring of impulses.

Impulse 1: get into her pants
Impulse 2: help her figure out her life
Impulse 3: use helping her figure out her life to get into her pants

I think impulse 3 is the one that gets you into trouble, since it makes you feel slimy. The other two are fine and honorable, in and of themselves.

I'd say your impulse to help her figure out her life is a trifle paternalistic. You're free to offer advice, but she's also free not to take it. You can't "mold" her into the perfect little college student, but you can offer her your perspective as a concerned person.

And your impulse to get into her pants is completely understandable, although somewhat complicated by her "kinda seeing some guy").

If you're worried about her becoming dependent on you because you offer her advice, or sleeping with you out of gratitude or something, well that's just silly. I'm sure you want to help her just because you're a nice person, but you also want to help her as a way of staying close to her and maybe deepening the relationship into something romantic.

None of that is really a problem, IMHO. But I think if you're not truly interested in being with her exactly the way she is, you should chalk this one up to friendship and let her find her own path.

johnnymysto · 07-25-2003, 06:50 AM

Indeed, Lurkette. It's going to have to be Impulse 1 OR Impulse 2, but not both. Trying to do both is going to drive you nuts. Believe me on this one. You'll be happy getting into her pants while throwing out some advice, and you'll be happy trying to help her out with her college life and just being friends. But you will wind up frustrated trying to do both.

Tirian · 07-25-2003, 09:56 AM

I don't really see this as a conflict depending on motive. Most people use their training/skills to help out others that their interested in. I agree with above, it becomes a problem if you are helping to try and get with her.

Like a guy who is a mechanic, would probably fix a girls car as a favor if he was with her or just a friend, but if he was fixing girls cars to get them in bed that would be slimy. (somehow this example seems more tangible to me)

As a returning mature college student, I sure wish I had been more "applied" the first time I went when I was 18. I did complete my diploma OK, but sure could have pulled better marks off.

Vaultboy · 07-25-2003, 09:58 AM

thanks, lurkette . I hear what you're saying. And I appreciate the advice. I'll take the weekend to think things over....

tinfoil · 07-25-2003, 10:27 AM

Impulse 2.

Then she is so happy that you helped you you get #1 in return, and everyone is happy.

Seriously though, with the training you have as a peer councilor, any other response would ultimatly make you feel incredibly guilty.

Slims · 07-25-2003, 02:42 PM

I say go for it with the girl. Afterall, you can give her honest, good advice without pushing her to the point of alienation.

07-25-2003, 05:38 AM	#1 (permalink)
Vaultboy Addict Location: Third World	Conflict of Interests.....need advice. I have a slight conflict of interests, or at least that's what everyone tells me.....what do you think? I'd especially like the women on the boards to give an opinion Ok, here's the situation: I work at a comp lab on campus. A couple of weeks ago, this girl came in to use a PC, and I stepped to her and asked if she would be interested in coffee and a chat. It was a gamble, being an "employee" asking a "client" out, but she's all that. So yeah, we went for coffee and chatted, and here comes the dealio: She's still a first year student, and 4 years younger than me (I'm 22, she's 18) which is not a big deal to me, cuz she's really intelligent and witty. The problem is that she's going through that whole "I'm not studying what I want to be studying so I'm not really interested, so I'm gonna fail it" phase. I gather, in fact, thaty she doesn't really know WHAT she wants to be studying at all. Now all this is fine. You're supposed to be confused when you're eighteen. I know that. But I'm trained as a peer and career guidance counsellor for students as well, and I can't help but let that part of me take over. I'm especially not happy with her attitude of "fuck this year". It goes on your academic record, after all, and I further believe that no experiece is totally wasted. So on the one hand, I'm trying to "get with her" (but she's also kinda seeing some guy at this stage) and on the other hand I'm trying to make her see that she shouldn't abandon her studies completely, even if she feels she needs to do some soul-searching (which I support). Now my friends are telling me to let her go and grow up by herself and perhaps try again in a couple of years. I can do that, but I don't want to. But I get the feeling that perhaps I'm being too selfish. I'm also not sure if I purely just want to help her for her own sake, or if I have my own ulterior motives. (I rationalise this by arguing that she knows I want her, so my intentions in this regard must be altruistic, but I'm not convincing myself yet). Being 18, she's still pretty impressionable, and I could probably end up moulding her to what I want her to be (either consciously or unconsciously). Plus they tell me that getting into a relationship and from the outset trying to "change" people can only lead to trouble.....what do you think? __________________ "Failing tastes of bile and dog vomit. Pity any man that gets used to that taste."

07-25-2003, 05:59 AM	#2 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I don't know if I'd describe this as a conflict of interest so much as a warring of impulses. Impulse 1: get into her pants Impulse 2: help her figure out her life Impulse 3: use helping her figure out her life to get into her pants I think impulse 3 is the one that gets you into trouble, since it makes you feel slimy. The other two are fine and honorable, in and of themselves. I'd say your impulse to help her figure out her life is a trifle paternalistic. You're free to offer advice, but she's also free not to take it. You can't "mold" her into the perfect little college student, but you can offer her your perspective as a concerned person. And your impulse to get into her pants is completely understandable, although somewhat complicated by her "kinda seeing some guy"). If you're worried about her becoming dependent on you because you offer her advice, or sleeping with you out of gratitude or something, well that's just silly. I'm sure you want to help her just because you're a nice person, but you also want to help her as a way of staying close to her and maybe deepening the relationship into something romantic. None of that is really a problem, IMHO. But I think if you're not truly interested in being with her exactly the way she is, you should chalk this one up to friendship and let her find her own path. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-25-2003, 06:50 AM	#3 (permalink)
johnnymysto Overreactor Location: South Ca'lina	Indeed, Lurkette. It's going to have to be Impulse 1 OR Impulse 2, but not both. Trying to do both is going to drive you nuts. Believe me on this one. You'll be happy getting into her pants while throwing out some advice, and you'll be happy trying to help her out with her college life and just being friends. But you will wind up frustrated trying to do both. __________________ "I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request." - Capt. Barbossa

07-25-2003, 09:58 AM	#5 (permalink)
Vaultboy Addict Location: Third World	thanks, lurkette . I hear what you're saying. And I appreciate the advice. I'll take the weekend to think things over.... __________________ "Failing tastes of bile and dog vomit. Pity any man that gets used to that taste."

07-25-2003, 10:27 AM	#6 (permalink)
tinfoil Fucking Hostile Location: Springford, ON, Canada	Impulse 2. Then she is so happy that you helped you you get #1 in return, and everyone is happy. Seriously though, with the training you have as a peer councilor, any other response would ultimatly make you feel incredibly guilty. __________________ Get off your fuckin cross. We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

07-25-2003, 09:56 AM	#4 (permalink)
Tirian Addict Location: Canada	I don't really see this as a conflict depending on motive. Most people use their training/skills to help out others that their interested in. I agree with above, it becomes a problem if you are helping to try and get with her. Like a guy who is a mechanic, would probably fix a girls car as a favor if he was with her or just a friend, but if he was fixing girls cars to get them in bed that would be slimy. (somehow this example seems more tangible to me) As a returning mature college student, I sure wish I had been more "applied" the first time I went when I was 18. I did complete my diploma OK, but sure could have pulled better marks off.

07-25-2003, 02:42 PM	#7 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	I say go for it with the girl. Afterall, you can give her honest, good advice without pushing her to the point of alienation. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence