taking a break.... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

3zos · 07-23-2003, 11:35 AM

My girlfriend and i were getting extremly close, to the point where both of us were thinking about marrage..

But the fact that she was thinking that scared her (in fact it scared me too, but not as much as it bothered her) she really loves me, but felt like she had not had enough experences to just be with one guy for the rest of her life (this is the same way i felt, but didn't want to bring it up and hurt her feelings, so we stayed together) so eventualy, at what seemed the peak of our relationship we decided to go on a break..

Things were a little odd while we were in the same town, and we acted like we were going out most of the time. But now she is in europe for study abroad (while she is there we decided not to communicate at all, live our lives on our own), and i recently found out from a friend that is there too that she made out with the british friend of her's while she was there. I know this probably shouldn't bother me because in essence we are broken up right now, and i know that if I found a girl (hard as hell sometimes) I wouldn't stop her or myself from doing anything. I guess what really sucks is that I know that she is going to see this guy in a week or two (she is going to visit him on her last free weekend and stay with him and his parents) and who knows whats going to happen then.

I know that I want her back (i think about her all the time, and even appriciate her more than when we were going out), but I am scared that I won't trust her anymore, even though I know that if she dose get back together with me she will probably mean it. Another thing is that im worried that she is doing this just to have fun with other guys over the summer, and knows that i'll be here when she gets back... but that could just be me making up situations that don't exist in my head...

Life can really suck sometimes...

If anyone has any advice, let me know...

lurkette · 07-23-2003, 12:15 PM

If you're on a break to have more experiences, I'd suggest you stop worrying about what she is doing and go have some experiences. Not necessarily romantic/sexual ones, although that might also distract you, but go on a road trip by yourself, learn to do something new, try something you've always wanted to try, like flying lessons or kayaking or rock climbing or pottery or something. You can't control what she's doing, or what she wants, but you can control how you live your life and what you do with your time on earth, and waiting idly and thinking up jealous fantasies doesn't sound like the most productive use of your time.

If you find that you can't live without her and you'd like to get back together when she's back in country, then this break has shown you what you really want. If she doesn't feel the same way, then you won't have wasted the "time off" moping for her, but will have been doing something productive and fulfilling with your time, for yourself, not for the relationship. Can't lose.

So go distract yourself. It'll seem hard at first, but it's worth it.

twotimesadingo · 07-23-2003, 02:13 PM

the more of your posts i see, Lurkette, the more respect i have for you.

couldn't have said it nearly as eloquently, so i won't spend time on an attempt. take her advice, 3zos. A roadtrip is a great idea, whether it's solo or with a buddy or two.
intrigue her with how you've changed. and even if you don't, you'll still have something to show for the time apart, other than regrets.

trialzin · 07-24-2003, 05:01 AM

You sound young so enjoy life, if she loves you she will come back. If not then they're are plenty of fish in the sea. I split with mine after 13 years, try that one

After the intial jolt its all ok, I am back doing what I was before, back to cycling, going out and just having a good time. You only have one life and by god its time to get on with it son. Some things are just not ment to be.

Tirian · 07-24-2003, 07:03 AM

Quote:

"felt like she had not had enough experences to just be with one guy for the rest of her life (this is the same way i felt, but didn't want to bring it up and hurt her feelings, so we stayed together) "

I'm just curious here, because I never had this feeling. Why do people think they need to have "experiences" to settle into a permanent relationship ?

And while on the subject, can you define the word "experiences" in the context of the quote?

My feeling on this is that a couple in a permanent relationship can gain a shared set of experiences, and with this shared background strengthen what they already have.

Just a thought - perhaps I'm a little off on this idea.

3zos · 07-24-2003, 07:30 AM

I guess it has to do with people being differnt :\ Like even if you are totally compatable with someone, and you have the greatest time with them, there are probably things that person can't offer you. Now these things might not make you as happy as when you are with that person (wether the things be other people, or certian experences) but they might be things that if you settled down you would never experence.. does that help?

Donkeypuncher · 07-24-2003, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tirian
Why do people think they need to have "experiences" to settle into a permanent relationship ?

Some people are just more curious and experimental than others - you want to sample the whole buffet instead of just settling on the first thing you see that seems to work. You know that's not allowable within the boundaries of an average monogamous relationship, so..

I think some people just want to get the "what if" out of their system so they're not walking around later in life wondering if they've missed out on something. Which may or may not be true, in any case, but if you know you're going to wonder anyway...

tikki · 07-25-2003, 06:39 AM

If she wants to take a break, it means she wants to go hit up some other guys. Just move on, man. It's gonna be her loss. My now ex of three years pulled that crap on me, and come to find out, I was right. She was out with her new man just after that.

3zos · 07-25-2003, 09:38 AM

i wonder if she isn't doing something like that sometimes.. but I know her pretty well, even though when she comes back, and we talk, we might not end up together, I think there is still a chace (im saying I don't think she would hurt me by not saying we're over forever if we were). and when you think about it, would you want to go on a study abroad with this very settled relationship back home? I guess I know that if it was me over there and we were on break, I would be having a great time and not thinking about her much, just letting what happen happen... Its just harder for me because im still here thinking about her, and live where we spent 2 and a half years together. recently I have been thinking about living for right now, and having the best time I can in my current situation, and my mood has been better. so thanks lurkette for the advice

I was telling myself that, but wasn't really listning.. hearing it from someone else helped.

07-23-2003, 11:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
3zos Insane Location: USA	taking a break.... My girlfriend and i were getting extremly close, to the point where both of us were thinking about marrage.. But the fact that she was thinking that scared her (in fact it scared me too, but not as much as it bothered her) she really loves me, but felt like she had not had enough experences to just be with one guy for the rest of her life (this is the same way i felt, but didn't want to bring it up and hurt her feelings, so we stayed together) so eventualy, at what seemed the peak of our relationship we decided to go on a break.. Things were a little odd while we were in the same town, and we acted like we were going out most of the time. But now she is in europe for study abroad (while she is there we decided not to communicate at all, live our lives on our own), and i recently found out from a friend that is there too that she made out with the british friend of her's while she was there. I know this probably shouldn't bother me because in essence we are broken up right now, and i know that if I found a girl (hard as hell sometimes) I wouldn't stop her or myself from doing anything. I guess what really sucks is that I know that she is going to see this guy in a week or two (she is going to visit him on her last free weekend and stay with him and his parents) and who knows whats going to happen then. I know that I want her back (i think about her all the time, and even appriciate her more than when we were going out), but I am scared that I won't trust her anymore, even though I know that if she dose get back together with me she will probably mean it. Another thing is that im worried that she is doing this just to have fun with other guys over the summer, and knows that i'll be here when she gets back... but that could just be me making up situations that don't exist in my head... Life can really suck sometimes... If anyone has any advice, let me know... __________________ S U C C E S S some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams

07-23-2003, 12:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	If you're on a break to have more experiences, I'd suggest you stop worrying about what she is doing and go have some experiences. Not necessarily romantic/sexual ones, although that might also distract you, but go on a road trip by yourself, learn to do something new, try something you've always wanted to try, like flying lessons or kayaking or rock climbing or pottery or something. You can't control what she's doing, or what she wants, but you can control how you live your life and what you do with your time on earth, and waiting idly and thinking up jealous fantasies doesn't sound like the most productive use of your time. If you find that you can't live without her and you'd like to get back together when she's back in country, then this break has shown you what you really want. If she doesn't feel the same way, then you won't have wasted the "time off" moping for her, but will have been doing something productive and fulfilling with your time, for yourself, not for the relationship. Can't lose. So go distract yourself. It'll seem hard at first, but it's worth it. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-23-2003, 02:13 PM	#3 (permalink)
twotimesadingo Psycho Location: that place with the thing	the more of your posts i see, Lurkette, the more respect i have for you. couldn't have said it nearly as eloquently, so i won't spend time on an attempt. take her advice, 3zos. A roadtrip is a great idea, whether it's solo or with a buddy or two. intrigue her with how you've changed. and even if you don't, you'll still have something to show for the time apart, other than regrets. __________________ I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons. I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and voice of reason. I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices, son. They're one and the same I must isolate you, isolate and save you from yourself." - A Perfect Circle

07-24-2003, 07:30 AM	#6 (permalink)
3zos Insane Location: USA	I guess it has to do with people being differnt :\ Like even if you are totally compatable with someone, and you have the greatest time with them, there are probably things that person can't offer you. Now these things might not make you as happy as when you are with that person (wether the things be other people, or certian experences) but they might be things that if you settled down you would never experence.. does that help? __________________ S U C C E S S some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams

07-25-2003, 06:39 AM	#8 (permalink)
tikki Justified Location: West Lafayette, IN	If she wants to take a break, it means she wants to go hit up some other guys. Just move on, man. It's gonna be her loss. My now ex of three years pulled that crap on me, and come to find out, I was right. She was out with her new man just after that. __________________ Take notice. Take interest. Take me with you.

07-24-2003, 05:01 AM	#4 (permalink)
trialzin Tilted	You sound young so enjoy life, if she loves you she will come back. If not then they're are plenty of fish in the sea. I split with mine after 13 years, try that one After the intial jolt its all ok, I am back doing what I was before, back to cycling, going out and just having a good time. You only have one life and by god its time to get on with it son. Some things are just not ment to be.

07-24-2003, 07:03 AM	#5 (permalink)
Tirian Addict Location: Canada	Quote: "felt like she had not had enough experences to just be with one guy for the rest of her life (this is the same way i felt, but didn't want to bring it up and hurt her feelings, so we stayed together) " I'm just curious here, because I never had this feeling. Why do people think they need to have "experiences" to settle into a permanent relationship ? And while on the subject, can you define the word "experiences" in the context of the quote? My feeling on this is that a couple in a permanent relationship can gain a shared set of experiences, and with this shared background strengthen what they already have. Just a thought - perhaps I'm a little off on this idea.

07-25-2003, 09:38 AM	#9 (permalink)
3zos Insane Location: USA	i wonder if she isn't doing something like that sometimes.. but I know her pretty well, even though when she comes back, and we talk, we might not end up together, I think there is still a chace (im saying I don't think she would hurt me by not saying we're over forever if we were). and when you think about it, would you want to go on a study abroad with this very settled relationship back home? I guess I know that if it was me over there and we were on break, I would be having a great time and not thinking about her much, just letting what happen happen... Its just harder for me because im still here thinking about her, and live where we spent 2 and a half years together. recently I have been thinking about living for right now, and having the best time I can in my current situation, and my mood has been better. so thanks lurkette for the advice I was telling myself that, but wasn't really listning.. hearing it from someone else helped. __________________ S U C C E S S some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams