Harshaw

Ok, my girlfriend and I have started doing everything else that most adult couples do... except we have never said a successful "I love you". I said it once and she didn't run screaming from the room, but she didn't reciprocate either. She once told me she was getting "Ushy Gooshy feelings" feeling for me. The thing is, I get the feeling she does, but doesn't want to go WAAAY out on a limb by saying it.
Now she is going away for about a month, and I want to say it to her again now that we are closer. Because these relationship decisions always make her nervous, I was thinking of putting it in a letter. I need to know, in everyone’s experience, is it better to do it in person. Could saying "I love you" screw up a relationship. Any advice on how to say it?

Sleepyjack

saying i love you doesn't mean much, in comparison to acting as if you love her. the whole action speak louder than words thingy. I am sure she realises this and you aswell, since you both get the gushy feeling
Although it may be nice to hear someone else say it, there no point in trying to get her to say it, if you feel she may be uneasy talking about relationship stuff. Each others actions will imply more than just those words, so i don't think its too important.
Although if you really want to say it, probably do it in the letter for now. Although may i ask, how long you've been together?
Normally its the other way around (guys can't talk about feelings etc), but if its still early in the relationship, you don't want to come on too strong.
Give it some time and everything should be in its right place.

gov135

Whether or not it can screw it up - I don't know.

Advice on how to say it? I got that. I found that "I have feelings for you" or the like is an easy way to get into the conversation. After all, the hardest part of saying "I love you" is often finding the right time. Make sure you have some time to talk and nothing crazy is goin on. Also, saying "i have feeling for you" or the like gives her some control. She can ask, "describe your feelings for me" or "when did you start to have feelings for me", and in this way she is not blindsided by anything.

I don't recommend a letter at all. Face-to-face allows you to have a discussion about things. A letter is too anti-climactic, and may be misinterpruted. Our tone of voice and body language speaks volumes. You lose those with a letter.

Worked for me. She'll appreciate your sincere thoughts, so she'll listen to you. Good luck.

lurkette

Not a good, healthy one.

If you're saying it for reasons other than that you just can't NOT say it (e.g., to get someone into bed, to get them to say it back to you, because you're afraid they'll leave if you don't, etc.) then yes, it could screw up the relationship.

If you're afraid that she won't reciprocate for some reason, then it sounds like it's time for a talk. "I love you and I hope you feel the same about me. If you don't then..." and what comes after the "..." is up to you.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Minx

I don't think a letter would be the way to go, myself. If you want to tell her then do it face to face when the time is right.

If you are a little uncomfortable saying it then just let her know how much you care without saying it....ie - tell her how much you will miss her when she's away....her smile, her laugh, her voice...etc. She'll get the picture!

__________________
You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!

eci

(Hi folks, first post - good to be here, seems like a wicked forum)

With my current girlfriend, whom I met about a month ago, we had such an attraction and got on so well that one night, less than a week into going out, I just blurted out 'I love you' before I realised what I'd said. I told her that I felt protective and caring and euphoric and all these things which we might as well call love, and that I didn't mean to worry her but I just felt it at that moment. Anyway, I meant it, and we discussed it later - what love is, whether we should say it, how long you should be going out before it's proper to say... the only decision you can reach is when you both feel comfortable saying it. I've been going out with my GF less than a month and I'm happy saying it. What's better is that I know I'm not lying - I wouldn't say it if I wasn't sure.

With my ex, I said it first, and we were in your position - she felt it, but didn't say it. That was fine by me - let her take her own time. When I felt it strongly, I said it, and she would say thank you. After a month or so of this, she said it back. That was a great feeling, and we were together for a couple more years, so I can't say that was a failure.

I see where you're coming from with the letter idea: it's easier to be eloquent in writing, and there is less chance for misunderstanding. Then again, you have no opportunity to read the situation or explain, and it lacks that immediacy. I'd go for saying it in person.

Anyway, for a first post I've gone on a bit, so I'll stop now

Edit: Oh, and bloody good luck to you!

Harshaw

Thanks guys, you all rock. I wasn't sure what type of advice I would get when I posted this, but it was all useful. Thank you

__________________
This too shall pass.

Slims

The first time I said it to my girlfriend it was an accident and I tried to take it back. I ment what I said, but I didn't mean to blurt it out.

I think it turned out to be one of the best things that could have happenned since she found out how I felt, but didn't have any pressure to respond, and she didn't feel like she was going out on a limb when she said "I love you" to me maybe a week or so later.

So if you can act, maybe go for an accidental 'love you babe' or something similar.

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

anti fishstick

whenever she's ready, she will reciprocate. but if your relationship is as good and gushy mushy as it seems like, you shouldn't worry. her actions should say more.. i told my bf i loved him once. he hugged me tighter and said "that's goood" and that was enough for me. sometimes 'i love you too' might be patronizing or sound obligatory the first time.. so i'd actually prefer the other to wait for awhile.

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

tikki

Yep. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, dude

__________________
Take notice. Take interest. Take me with you.

motdakasha

based on my personal experience, it's best not to *expect* her to say it back even if you have no problems. it might make her feel pressured into lying or fleeing.

__________________
=^-^= motdakasha =^-^=
Just Google It.
BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

wario

With my current girlfriend, I was the first to say it. Didn't pressure her into saying it back. Took her a while but I evntually got it.

Ace_O_Spades

I was once in a relationship where the girl told me she loved me, but I didnt love her.

She kept saying it, and she was acting like she was waiting for me to say it. It was almost like she was pressuring me into saying "I love you"

so i broke up with her... it sucked because I liked her a lot, but I didnt want to deal with the whole "I love you" thing when i didnt feel it

terpie

In my opinion actions speak louder than words -- you'll know when the time is right to drop the "L" word -- just do not use it if you do not mean it.