Anonymous Member

In hopes of generating more traffic and discussion on this forum, I thought I'd write something about my recent experiences. I'd rather post anonymously as to allow myself the freedom to write without becoming encumbered by what people may think of me.

Skip to the bottom if you want to TL;DR.

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I've recently come out of a relationship--and a really good one too. We cohabited for approximately 6 months before she had to move away. I also had to go away for my job, and during that time, we'd write to each other. However, somewhere along the way, the 'spark' that we had vanished. Although to be honest, there never was much spark for me--I recognized she was good for me and she liked me for me. She wanted the relationship a lot more than I did and consequently she put in a lot more work. I reasoned everything out, that this was a healthy relationship and she told me she'd be there for me no matter what. For many reasons that I'd rather not delve in to, we got engaged. (In hindsight I probably rushed in to it.)

It was a good and very comfortable relationship.

However, after being apart for a while, I realized my feelings changed. Because we were engaged, I pushed the feeling aside. I still cared a lot about her and just knowing she was there really gave me strength. We would talk and all that, but we were both busy in our respective lives.

Somewhere along the line, another woman got involved, and although I did not cheat on my then fiance, I ended up breaking up with my fiance, and dating this new girl. This new girl is long distance too, but a lot closer than my ex-fiance.

I traveled to see this new girl, and we had a great weekend. It was a lot of fun and I ended up *feeling* like I was in love with this new girl. However, now that the 'honey-moon' phase has gone, I find myself questioning what I did, a lot.

Sometimes, I find myself overcome with guilt. Other times, I find myself thinking about my ex-fiance and hoping that she's doing well. Too often, I'll think of the small things she did (like looking *extremely* happy when she ate [by god i loved feeding her], or, flapping her arms when I'd call her by her nickname).

Still I'm relatively happy with my new girl, too. She's ambitious in ways my ex-fiance was not. She's more worldly, and better educated. She's incredibly organized and is more urbane. They're both very pretty--but I suppose the one thing that she does not have, is the foundation and memories I had built with my fiance.

The other day, I forced myself to look at my fiance's facebook profile and found myself feeling dizzy and sad and guilty all at once. Wondering and hoping that she was doing well. I knew that if I really let myself feel how much I missed her, I would have begun to cry--but I pushed that feeling away.

I'm on a self-created emotional rollercoaster, and am often unsure of my decision.
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So here is my question: Have you ever broken up with someone to get with someone new? Does that result in skewed expectations (i.e., this new relationship should be better than the last one.)? Have you felt guilty about it? Did you consider it the right decision? Do you ever find yourself in a state of mercurial love--loving one person, then another, and bouncing in between not sure what you really want?

Craven Morehead

Do you normally rush deeply into relationships as quickly as you did this one?

Plan9

Goddamnit, I really (really) wish my alternate personalities wouldn't post anonymously on here. It's embarrassing.

Seriously, it’s like somebody wrote this about/for me. Cue up “Goodbye Horses” and fetch my lipstick, people.

...

I'm going to have to work on my response in Word. I'll be back to this thread, OP. I've got stories, bro.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Plan9

So, yeah, time to talk to myself about myself:

I've reread this line a couple of times and I've gotta ask: Is TFP that bad? After considering your issue, I can’t see how anybody would think less of you as a person. Relationships aren’t a science and the regret monster is formidable. Granted, I can’t really trash my reputation anymore than I already have and you may actually have something to lose.

It sounds like you got engaged because you were following a natural progression in your right-here-too-much relationship. I've been in a similar spot, just reversed. My exwife pushed to get married. She wanted me because I was reliable, ready to settle down (whatever that means) and we really clicked on cute-but-useless couple things at first. Like taste in furniture and kinky sex practices. The problem with rushing into things is that as well as you think you know the other person, you don’t. No amount of good times can prepare you for bad times. No amount of days spent together can make up for years. And you haven’t let the crazy chemicals wear off so you’re sober enough to examine your potential compatibility down the road a few years. The problem with most good is relationships isn't a lack of compatibility, it's a lack of compromise. Recognize the flaws in the other person, recognize the flaws in yourself and if that math is something you can live with, you're not going to be wondering too much about other girls.

Good and comfortable… like practical and utilitarian. This is how you describe a lug wrench or a snuggie, not a female partner. I've done that, too. I treated my partners like office equipment, like kitchen appliances, like things without feelings. They told me I wasn’t romantic, that I was treating them like a coworker that I got to fuck during lunch break. I was confused and my response never went well for me. After a few breakups related to that (and awesome surprise infidelity), I’m starting to get it. And overcompensate for it at full retard level. I can't stop myself. I feel like I'm working off bad karma for a girl that doesn't even remember my name. So, yeah, if you get nothing out of my bullshit response here, remember to learn your lessons in moderation, too. Temper your guilt with common sense. Just because you didn’t buy your last girlfriend flowers enough doesn’t mean you need to buy the next one fancy lingerie, a Cadillac, a trip to Hawaii, other game show prizes that sink your bank account like the Titanic.

Oops.

Be honest, was it really her or simply the idea that another person was living with you and you had history with them?

Was she a partner or a warm body?

*car wreck noise* Here’s your problem, chief. Long distance relationships are about as satisfying as eating Chinese food with a pair of sewing needles.

Yeah, novelty is a helluva drug. And now you’re going back to that damn history thing. Your name is Leonard Shelby, bro: You have to make new memories. In my more dickish self-headshrinker moments, I would take the new girlfriend to places the old girlfriend went, did things that I did with the old girlfriend with the new girlfriend so I could attempt to overwrite the old good memories with new good memories. It worked. I'm just glad that I never got called out on it. I wouldn't have had a good answer.

Oh, that hurts. Yeah, there is no closure. You don’t get it in life. People don’t go, “Hey, it was good while it lasted. See ya.” It's a plane crash. The nicknames and noises and habits and all the things they did that occupied your life that you became so used to are gone. You're needlessly beating on yourself playing half-ass stalker with her Facebook. You have to let her go or you won't heal.

She’s better in every way except history. And you need to work on that. You can’t move forward looking backward.

Don't twist a knife in your own back, bro. It's really unhealthy. I seem to catch myself doing it for months after a breakup and have to stop myself by blunt force trauma. It’s why I’m a serial monogamist, I suppose. I can’t get over the last person without occupying myself with the next person. It isn’t healthy but I don’t know how else to do it without feeling like I'm screwing disposable strangers like some kind of animal. I probably need more hobbies.

It happens. You don’t have to be happy about your decision; you just have to believe it was the better choice. Good medicine usually tastes like shit, right? Wow. Writing stuff like this kinda hurts. In a “Wow, I sure learned a lot over the last decade. Not.” kinda way. And I’m not even drunk.

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Eh, this isn't really what I wanted to say but it'll have to do. I hope some aspect of my poorly-written Rollins poo proves to be useful.

I don't think somebody like me should be respond anyway. I'm another boozer at the AA meeting of relationships, not a counselor.

...

TL;DR: Life is a compromise. You can't always get what you want. There is no closure. Love the one you're with or GTFO.

So, Anon, whoever you are, know you’re not alone. There are plenty of idiots out there doing the exact same thing.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

MrFriendly

I could be totally speaking out of my ass here, but I've always felt that regret and guilt are daemons of the self that we pretty much have to face alone. We all do shit we regret, maybe because it fucks ourselves over, or because it fucked someone else over and you get that lil ache your heart because of it.

Either way, like Plan9 said, you can't move forward looking back. You've got to try make the best of what you have now, and use past mistakes to make wiser decisions later.

But shiiiiiite, this advice only works if you're tuned to the logic channel, emotions and genitals cloud vision and distort rational thought. One comfort you can find is in the fact you will make mistakes, but you're usually afforded the chance to make it right the next time round.

__________________
You are not a slave

Crack Monk

I also agree with Plan9, which is a rarity on relationship shit. If this new girl is better... Throw away the history.

I have an ex that I still have to scrape all my willpower to drive out of my head on a daily basis. That means never checking his Facebook. Every time I do, I have fucking dreams about him. I can't move on when this douchebag and his HILARIOUS CATCHPHRASES are still floating around in my head. Hell, I shouldn't even be typing this right now because it's only reminding me of him. Fuck that.

Thing is, if you left your ex, it just means that there was a time when you truly believed she wasn't right for you. If you have to think about her, think about those things--what she did that made you think this other girl was a better match. Chances are, those negative qualities outweighed the positives. Just block out the positives right now. It sounds unhealthy, but there will be a time when you can look back fondly on your history without it affecting your current relationship. Now is not that time.

Also: Never go back. On the rare occasions I've allowed someone's bad advice to push me back into a relationship I've given up on, it's done nothing but cause harm to all parties involved. It sucks and it's stupid. Live with your regrets, but for the love of God, don't RElive them.

THAT'S ALL.

jewels

This says it all, but what it means only you know for sure.

Purely conjecture on my part, but perhaps there's some confusion between lust and love? You said the first relationship was a "really good one" with no spark and the second sounds like all spark, from what you've said. Referring to the honeymoon phase being over makes it sound as though the lust has mellowed. How long were you with the second girl? Is it possible you feel guilty because you cared about the first but knew she was leaving and didn't want to feel involved, or allow yourself to work on that relationship?

Just raising some possibilities, based on the info offered. It sounds as though you have a lot to think about either way.

Almost forgot ... maybe neither one's the right one for you. Is there a biological time clock ticking, family pressure, anything like that?

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Cynthetiq

forgive yourself.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Plan9

Any thoughts, Anon? Or is this just case of Gucci probing the wire?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."