aa1037

Hey tfp,

I've been seeing my gf for over 4 years now, and everything is mostly great. One is bothering me recently, though, and I seek your great wisdom

She won't let me buy her anything. I'm doing better financially than she is, and once in a while, I'll offer to get something for her when she feels she can't afford it. Note that I don't do this all the time (I know better by now), but I can't even gift her a shirt or piece of cheap jewelry.

She says she doesn't want people buying her stuff that she could've bought herself, even though she didn't due to money.

I tell her that I understand and respect how she feels, but it also hurts me not to be able to offer anything to her. She'd rather have me go with my friends on a trip than have me pay for her plane ticket to come along.

I'm really perplexed, and it is actually hurtful sometimes. I'm in a position in my life where I enjoy giving back to people - my parents, my work, my community, whatever - but I can't seem to give anything to her.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

---------- Post added at 11:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:46 PM ----------

I will add that she feels the burden of many things (mostly family) that she feels so obligated to that she won't do nice things for herself or let me do nice things for her.

It's as if everything in her life needs to be paid back before anything else.

Jetée

Ask her why she has this feeling, this compulsion, to being such an independently social person, in terms of 'what friends do for others', that she is also incapable of accepting others (material/inconsequential/coupon) graces?

I have no idea if she is as far "un-welcoming" as some might be pick up on her being, but I ask, does she do this with family and close friends, when they may offer her gifts, or do you notice it just when it may occur to you, and your gifts?

In my cultural surroundings, I was taught from an early age that if someone offers you something, a friend, new neighbors, generally "good" people who surround you, the polite and most courteous way of thanking them is to accept their graces. Otherwise, it's seen as disrespect that you are "too good" to accept such offerings, or taken to an extreme, too good to be loved or cherished by others. It took me a long while to get this, especially with how Americans sometimes act when it may seem as though one friend is doing "charity" for the other one.

Let her know that your occasional gestures of goodwill, companionship, and love, is a sign that while such-and-such item (flowers, chocolates, jewelry) may be seen as trite, that in the thought you put into them, and the feelings you imparted upon them when thinking of how it might make her feel when she receives them... well, as soon as she tells you, 'no, thanks', do those feelings you had become more and more deflated.

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FelixP

Sounds like a proud, bright young woman to me. I don't see what the problem is, if one in fact exists.

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CinnamonGirl

I'm betting it's mostly a pride thing. She probably doesn't want to fall into the trap of "my boyfriend buys me stuff and takes me on cool trips, but I can't repay him." Some women have no problem with that situation... but some of us really, really do.

Does she act the same way if money isn't involved? Say, if you rub her back or something, does she relax and accept that?

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Seaver

I had a bit of the same thing when I was dating a lawyer while still in college. I had no problem when she paid when we went out (I was a poor college kid)... but big ticket items I was always uncomfortable with. I just felt I would have been in her debt, regardless of the fact she just wanted her boyfriend to go on vacation with her, or she knew there was something I wanted that I couldn't afford.

She has a lot of pride and an "I can do it myself" attitude which will take her far.

Would you rather her be a gold digger?

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snowy

I don't know that I'd call a shirt a big ticket item. Trips, yes.

Personally, I love presents, so I just can't relate at all. However, the OP does makes me wonder if she grew up in a house like the one my SO grew up in, where gifts come with strings and expectations, instead of being true gifts. That might be part of it, beyond pride.

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Starkizzer

Did she grow up in a lower class family? This may be part of what is swaying her ability to accept gifts from you.

I grew up in a relatively poor house, dad was truck driver sending what money he could home to my grandmother who was taking care of us. We were taught not to ask for things and kids in stores who did were shown scorn. We were bought clothes from thrift stores and we had a lot of hand me downs. I never needed for anything and I learned to want nothing.

To this day I still feel guilty asking for things, it drives im2smrt4u crazy that I won't tell him when I need something like makeup or if I want a new pair of jeans. To me these things are unnecessary expenditures and I do not feel that I can ask for them. Perhaps she has the same problem. As a grad student I am not working and I am living off of student loans. I feel guilty as hell that I have to rely on my husband to pay my portion of the rent and other things.

Just try talking to her, tell her how you really feel. Listen to her ask her why she feels the way she does and tell her that this is just one way you would like to express your love for her. If nothing else when she sees something she wants but can't afford buy it and save it for a birthday, Christmas or anniversary. Can't refuse gifts if that is what is traditional on those occasions.

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Cimarron29414

My take is that it isn't a gift is she is admiring it and you offer to buy it on the spot - that's a subsidy and could feel demeaning.

Rather than offer to buy it for her, take note of what it is and then buy her something similar some time later as a gift and on your own initiative. For example, she admires a grey pencil skirt on the way through Belk. Take note of size and color, embroidery, etc. Then, a few weeks later, go to...Dillards and find something similar and gift it.

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Ourcrazymodern?

4 years? Would I be wrong to believe that in that amount of time you've given each other plenty? CinnamonGirl's question about intangibles is cogent. If you love her & that's all she wants, do your best to appreciate how wonderfully bizarre life can be.

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World's King

I'm gonna be a total ass right now...


Who cares? You're saving money.

She's being selfish. Which is most likely the opposite of the way she thinks she acting. Instead of letting you buy her a gift or take her out to a nice dinner... she's continuing the cycle of complaining. It's not about the money... She has to be in charge. If she "gives in" and lets you pick up the check then the focus is no longer on her money issues. She wants pity from you... but doesn't want you to fix the problem.

I dated a girl that was similar to this. When we moved in together she freaked out because I got a new shower curtain. She didn't see the reason for buying a new one when the one she had from her old place was just fine. Although in fact she just wanted to be in charge of the situation. Wanted it to be HER shower curtain. Even if she had purchased it or not.

And Star is somewhat right to bring up the lower-income family situation. They seem to have an unnecessarily large amount of pride in things that people of a more wealthy background don't.

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raging moderate

I agree with the king on this one. If she doesn't want stuff, don't get her stuff. Do nice things that are non-monetary, so she can return the favor if she wants to. Keep it on a level playing field and restrict it to one gift or two at birthday/holiday, etc. If you feel compelled to buy stuff, get something for yourself that you know she will like. Or possibly get a joint account (or coffee can) that you both contribute to when you can, neverminding who contributes what, and when there's enough in there for you both to go on a trip or whatever, go for it. Then she can feel like an equal partner in the relationship.

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formerly Murp0434

aa1037

Definitely

---------- Post added at 11:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 PM ----------

btw, a really interesting discussion going on in this thread about this. I really appreciate everyone's input so far...I will go through what's been said and try to give my feedback. Will do it in a bit.

You guys are great thanks again

---------- Post added at 11:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:17 PM ----------

It's from everyone, as far as I know.

---------- Post added at 11:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:52 PM ----------

She is a proud and bright young woman, that's why I like her

But the pride feels to a fault, hence my conundrum.

---------- Post added at 11:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:52 PM ----------

Course not, but I did tell her it's OK sometimes

---------- Post added at 11:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:53 PM ----------

I don't think it was that as much as it is her feeling of this indefinite obligation to her family (parents especially). She feels she owes a lot to them (we mostly all owe our folks, right?), and thus is uncomfortable treating herself or being treated.

---------- Post added at 11:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:55 PM ----------

Started lower middle, but I'd say for a good part of her teens was in middle middle.

---------- Post added at 11:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:56 PM ----------

Thanks, I'll try this.

---------- Post added at 11:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:57 PM ----------

That's a great point, hadn't thought of it that way. Works for little things (a nice piece of clothing), but not so much in me offering to bring her on a trip, though.

---------- Post added at 11:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:58 PM ----------

Thanks I've told her that I love her even if I have trouble empathizing with her feelings on this, and that I respect them.

---------- Post added at 12:05 AM ---------- Previous post was Yesterday at 11:59 PM ----------

Don't think it's this, as much. She explains it as an obligation to her parents and family.

Wes Mantooth

I'm not really sure there is anything you can do short of having a talk and telling her how you feel, its just not a habit that's easily broken (at least in my own experiences). In the end what options do you really have? You could keep buying her gifts anyway and create bad feelings or limit it to things like birthdays or Christmas. I can sympathize though, someone who can't accept a gift is one of my biggest pet peeves...right up there with not being able to take a compliment, ugh.

The trip thing is harder to get around, by not accepting (weather she knows it or not) it's making it more difficult of you to enjoy something you worked very hard to pay for. Lets face it nobody wants to be out having fun while the person they love is sitting at home...being poor. So what happens? You start living below your means, spending down to her level and before long you're missing out on things you really want to do and bad feelings begin brewing. As much as she may feel she's being responsible, she may not realize she's doing it at the expense of the relationship itself. Its great that you sympathize with her, but as you're girlfriend she needs to start returning the favor and accept that the fellow she loves makes a decent living and doesn't always want to do "extravagant" things alone...she could at least make the effort so you don't always feel like you're enjoying the fruits of you labor alone or having to live below your means just to spend quality time together.

Anyway before I ramble on for a few more paragraphs (sorry it really is a pet peeve of mine) try to find some middle ground, lay off the little gifts and in turn try to get her to understand that you want her along on trips (or whatever) because you love her...its not a money thing its about being together and enjoying her company. If she really doesn't get that then I'm not sure where you go from there.

Hope that made sense...I'm VERY over tired.

Best of luck

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Plan9

I don't like "owing" people stuff either. This is an interesting situation especially considering the subject is female. I've never encountered a woman that wasn't okay with pure NSA gifts. I've had some guy friends that were giant assholes about petty things... like who picked up the damn bar tab after only two rounds. I'm a giant jerk about holidays because I tell people not to buy me gifts. They end up doing it anyway and then I look like a douche because I don't feel like dropping money for no good reason just because the commercial machine in the US says so. Tradition be damned.

Money is a huge issue in relationships and usually sits on who makes it and how it is spent. I think part of the reason my last relationship failed was me being a cheap bastard. I've since done a 180. Gotta find a happy medium soon... but I gotta say... she loves the leather sectional and slate table.

Your girl? Perhaps she's been burned before somewhere or had someone extend a "line of credit" and then use it against her.

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