Quote:
Originally Posted by CinnamonGirl
Say, if you rub her back or something, does she relax and accept that?
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Definitely
---------- Post added at 11:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 PM ----------
btw, a really interesting discussion going on in this thread about this. I really appreciate everyone's input so far...I will go through what's been said and try to give my feedback. Will do it in a bit.
You guys are great
thanks again
---------- Post added at 11:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:17 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jetée
I have no idea if she is as far "un-welcoming" as some might be pick up on her being, but I ask, does she do this with family and close friends, when they may offer her gifts, or do you notice it just when it may occur to you, and your gifts?
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It's from everyone, as far as I know.
---------- Post added at 11:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:52 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by FelixP
Sounds like a proud, bright young woman to me. I don't see what the problem is, if one in fact exists.
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She is a proud and bright young woman, that's why I like her
But the pride feels to a fault, hence my conundrum.
---------- Post added at 11:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:52 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaver
She has a lot of pride and an "I can do it myself" attitude which will take her far.
Would you rather her be a gold digger?
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Course not, but I did tell her it's OK sometimes
---------- Post added at 11:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:53 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy
However, the OP does makes me wonder if she grew up in a house like the one my SO grew up in, where gifts come with strings and expectations, instead of being true gifts. That might be part of it, beyond pride.
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I don't think it was that as much as it is her feeling of this indefinite obligation to her family (parents especially). She feels she owes a lot to them (we mostly all owe our folks, right?), and thus is uncomfortable treating herself or being treated.
---------- Post added at 11:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:55 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starkizzer
Did she grow up in a lower class family? This may be part of what is swaying her ability to accept gifts from you.
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Started lower middle, but I'd say for a good part of her teens was in middle middle.
---------- Post added at 11:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:56 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starkizzer
Just try talking to her, tell her how you really feel. Listen to her ask her why she feels the way she does and tell her that this is just one way you would like to express your love for her. If nothing else when she sees something she wants but can't afford buy it and save it for a birthday, Christmas or anniversary. Can't refuse gifts if that is what is traditional on those occasions.
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Thanks, I'll try this.
---------- Post added at 11:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:57 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cimarron29414
My take is that it isn't a gift is she is admiring it and you offer to buy it on the spot - that's a subsidy and could feel demeaning.
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That's a great point, hadn't thought of it that way. Works for little things (a nice piece of clothing), but not so much in me offering to bring her on a trip, though.
---------- Post added at 11:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:58 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ourcrazymodern?
4 years? Would I be wrong to believe that in that amount of time you've given each other plenty? CinnamonGirl's question about intangibles is cogent. If you love her & that's all she wants, do your best to appreciate how wonderfully bizarre life can be.
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Thanks
I've told her that I love her even if I have trouble empathizing with her feelings on this, and that I respect them.
---------- Post added at 12:05 AM ---------- Previous post was Yesterday at 11:59 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by World's King
I'm gonna be a total ass right now...
Who cares? You're saving money.
She's being selfish. Which is most likely the opposite of the way she thinks she acting. Instead of letting you buy her a gift or take her out to a nice dinner... she's continuing the cycle of complaining. It's not about the money... She has to be in charge. If she "gives in" and lets you pick up the check then the focus is no longer on her money issues. She wants pity from you... but doesn't want you to fix the problem.
I dated a girl that was similar to this. When we moved in together she freaked out because I got a new shower curtain. She didn't see the reason for buying a new one when the one she had from her old place was just fine. Although in fact she just wanted to be in charge of the situation. Wanted it to be HER shower curtain. Even if she had purchased it or not.
And Star is somewhat right to bring up the lower-income family situation. They seem to have an unnecessarily large amount of pride in things that people of a more wealthy background don't.
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Don't think it's this, as much. She explains it as an obligation to her parents and family.