Anonymous Member

Hey everyone. I've been having this recurring problem with my new partner, and it's become too frustrating to put aside. During foreplay, making out, etc., I stay hard and ready for action. Usually I can keep it up while putting on the condom, and the first few (~5) minutes of penetrations go fine as well. However, when those precious minutes are up, I go down and I stay down, even though I'm not even remotely close to coming. The worst part of all is that no amount of effort, be it manual or oral, can reinvigorate my buddy after the initial failure, so we can't even try again unless we wait for a long while. It's emasculating to say the least.

I suspect the condoms are the issue because I can hardly feel anything when inside her, and apparently my buddy's patience lasts only a few minutes before he dies of boredom; I rarely masturbate so I doubt it's an issue of expectation. I've tried the standard condoms (shared pleasure, twisted pleasure, her pleasure, intense pleasure, and basic lubed) and the results have so far been nearly identical. My last chance at this point is to try the ultra-sensitive and polyethylene types since these are supposed to not interfere as much with sensation. I'm going to the sex shop ASAP to get some samples.

All that being said, my partner is a little looser than I'm used to, so that may play a role as well; however, I have been able to come with her a few times, so that may not be the main problem.

Does anyone out there have experience with similar issues?

Plan9

Condoms just aren't as good as bareback. I'd try the thin poly ones. I had a positive experience with them for over a year.

I'm wondering if there isn't more to you going limp than just the condom. I'm guessing you haven't but I'll ask anyway: Did you have this issue with other partners? And even if it's a chainmail Trojan lined with treebark, I'm usually so aroused that I can recover for round two with a little manual or oral stimulation from my partner. Do you get nervous or frustrated? Nothing kills the obelisk of love quicker than being pissed off.

...

And you said loose but... just how loose?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

levite

Three suggestions:

So do try the extra-thin poly ones. They are indeed very thin.

Second, recommend to your gf that she do some Kegels. Don't necessarily say it's because she's loose, but do say you like it when a partner can use her muscles to grip and work you.

Third, in the meantime: buttsex!

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Plan9

Uh... consensual. It needs to be said. Do avoid the surprise variety.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Punk.of.Ages

There's a lot to be said for surprise butt sex, y'know...
____________

This is, basically, the reason I don't wear condoms. I don't, necessarily, go limp after a few minutes, but they just sap all the fucking fun and turn me getting off into a chore.

The thin ones are a bit better, but my recommendation is get a test, some birth control, and *a pro-choice attitude.

[*That's a joke. I'm not trying to turn this into that thread...]

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Seaver

As said, thinner condoms are an option.

Another option (which reality depends completely on the amount of sex you're having) is to give up masturbation. Your nerves quickly get used to pressure your hand creates, and self-dull as a result. After a week you shouldn't have any issues with it.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

jaymoney

you sure the problem is the the condom, i mean have you done it raw with her. if you haven't give it a shot and if you are worried about std's that is simple both should go and get tested. this is the only way to find out if the condoms are the problem and not you. and if all else fails get your hands on some viagra or X.

Daniel_

This is almost certainly a two fold issue.

Firstly, you fear a lack of sensation.

Secondly, you fear what that will do to your erection.

The problem is it's a self fulfilling prophesy, and you go down.

If it was purely sensation, you would be able to revive matters as soon as you took the condom off, but you made it clear that this is not the case.

Two things you can do.

One - go thinner. A standard condom is 0.070 mm thick. A textured or fancy shaped condom (twisted pleasure, for example) is generally a little thicker at around 0.080mm. A "safer" or "stronger" condom is generally 0.100mm thick.

A "thin" latex condom is generally 0.050mm.

By contrast, a poly-urethane condom will be around 0.020mm, and poly-ethylene ones can be as thin as 0.015mm.

Two - go bigger. A common sensation mistake is to select a narrower condom (i.e. lower nominal width) thinking that the tighter fit will allow you to feel your partner better. The fact is that Mr Happy cannot tell whether the rubbing on his head is a lady's giblets, a gentleman's basement stairs, or a condom - all of which goes to show that the right size is the largest condom that will stay on, not the smallest size that you can get on.

As a final test, have a posh wank. By which I mean in private, pleasure yourself manually, wearing various condoms - find the one that feels best on your own, and then get your partner to pleasure you manually wearing it (not the same one, that would be gross).

Immunise your brain to the fear, and you WILL feel the sensation.

As a tip - find the address of all the condom companies that sell in your area, and write a polite letter to them explaining that you have problems with condoms and think the issue might be size and thickness, and that you would like to find the best sort for you; if they don't send you a bag of samples, then I'd be stunned. We do it all the time - if it's a good letter.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

highthief

This man is an expert. Listen to him. Your problem is now psychological rather than physical.

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

dlish

could you send me your company name? do you send overseas?

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Anonymous Member

Thanks everyone for your great replies, you've all been very helpful as always.

Daniel: I'm certain at this point there is a psychological element, since I can feel the worry build up even before we get anywhere. This has happened enough that now I feel tremendous pressure to perform, and that added stress certainly doesn't help in this situation. All this only adds to the fact that I do feel discouraged and embarrassed, which definitely blocks the erogenous parts of my brain from sparking. I'll try to relax and keep it from my mind. Thanks for the advice, I'll write some companies like you said to see if they help out.

Seaver: I had heard that before so I did stop/greatly reduce the amount of masturbation when I started getting comfortable with women. School and life are factors, so we typically have (read: attempt) sex at least twice a day every other day, and more on weekends. I don't masturbate in any appreciable frequency anymore, maybe once or twice a month, and even less when I have someone to do the actual act with. That's why I doubt it's a matter of desensitization.

Plan9: This has never happened to me with anyone else, so I know the capacity is all there; normally I too can gear up for the second run almost effortlessly. I believe the frustration and embarrassment of going flaccid in the middle of the act are too discouraging, and the obelisk stands no chance in the face of psychological stress. As for her, I can quite easily fit 3 fingers, so her bearing capacity is at least 4; I'm used to 1 or 2 at most. The fact that my buddy is no Behemoth himself means that this may also be a factor. I figure a different cycle of strategic positions may also be necessary.

james t kirk

Get tested, go bare back.

Plan9

Bearing Capacity, my god. Yeah, depending on your fingers... that's a little excessive based on my experiences. , time now, how copy over?

Toy options such as the WeVibe might be a good choice for you. It'll not only give additional sensation, it might spackle up the extra gap a little bit.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

qweds

Bubbles for the win.

__________________
tim(mah)

Shaindra

Surprise butt sex is one thing...non-consensual, surprise butt sex is another thing entirely. There's a lot to be said about the latter, and none of it good.

To the OP, listen to Daniel. I'll add another thing, lube up your cock before putting on the condom. It helps the sensation inside. However, the fact that no amount of sensation can bring it back tells me that there is a secondary issue at work here. My vote is if it happens, pull out and immediately go down on her until she can't remember her own name. If nothing else, she's happy and you're keeping your mind off "things".

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

Daniel_

Please don't pre-lube the penis.

It certainly DOES make it feel better, but it also more than doubles the chance of slippage. Rather, pick the bigger size of condom, and if possible pick one with a flared profile (i.e. wider at the tip than in the shaft).

Gel Charging was very popular a few years ago, but more recent research has shown that it is a contributor to failure.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Kaliena

Came here to say what's already been said: thinner condom if you have to use one. Try to avoid the ones with the "her pleasure" or "numbing." They are suppose to "make men last longer" however, in my experience, they flatten the erection almost immediately.

__________________
~Beware the waffle~

Master_Shake

Has she given you oral while you wear a condom? That would at least help narrow down the possible problems.

__________________
-------------
You know something, I don't think the sun even... exists... in this place. 'Cause I've been up for hours, and hours, and hours, and the night never ends here.

cleondann

i also think that this is nt any of physical problem.

macmanmike6100

daniel +1, i'm thinking thinner would work. else go bareback (post testing of course...that's my game and it's great). good luck and let us know what works for you; may help w/ others.

ASU2003

What is the deal with the female condom? I've always liked that idea better.

But I've never had the opportunity to use one, and I don't know anybody else who has either.

Daniel_

The female condom is MUCH bigger than a male one - it is made of thin nitrile rubber (it used to be made of polyurethane) and lines the vagina. I've not used them myself, but people who have tell me it's much more natural FEELING than a male condom, but you have to get over the fact that it's much less natural LOOKING.

Also, because it has to be inserted by the woman, it can cause a longer break in proceedings (although it can be inserted hours beforehand, as arrousal is not needed to keep it in place, and due to the mechanics of feminine genital biology, it is TECHNICALLY possible for a woman to use the lavatory with it in place.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

ASU2003

It sounds like we need some couples to volunteer in the name of science. And it looks like there is a new type that isn't available in the US yet.

The Female Condom

It just seems like it would be an experience that would be closer to unprotected sex.