Ambiguity

So about 6 months ago, I was having a conversation with the girl I lost my virginity to (we were both virgins) way back in High School. Talking about 7 years now.

This conversation was the first we had spoken in years, as our break-up was the usual high-school drama, and occurred right at the end of school. She went off to college, I moved half the country away.

So we're talking and she mentions something about our first (and only) time having sex. It was kind of the textbook awkward, teenager, "not sure about any of this" experience. We didn't have a condom, so we stopped after only a few minutes. I had always wondered if our breakup was based some kind of problem with our encounter, blah blah blah. Over time I got over it of course, but for her to bring it up after all this time definitely caught my ear.

However, there was no discussion about it, as the words that she spoke left me speechless/confused long enough for her to change the subject decidedly, and end the conversation quickly.

(I had asked in a politically correct way about her long time boyfriend and her breaking up.

(loosely quoted) - Her-(something about not being able to enjoy a sex life)
Me-"What do you mean?"
Her - "Well, when you and I had sex there was some tearing, in more than the usual places"


I didn't say anything for a few seconds, trying to process what she was saying, and by the time the word "What?" got to my mouth, she had moved the conversation onwards and upwards, with prejudice.

Now we've spoken every few months since then, and I've tried to bring it up, but she doesn't like to discuss it, and usually ends the conversation pretty quickly after I try to broach the subject.

Lately I'm finding that it's weighing on my conscious. Did I hurt her somehow? What does she mean "can't enjoy a sex life?" I know her relationships over the last few years have been short and relatively rocky, from what I gather from our infrequent conversations. I've tried to let it go, but she's the girl I gave my virginity to, and a close friend now years later, I need some kind of closure about it.


Or am I being way too sensitive for my mental health?

Have you been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

Nisses

I'd try once, clearly to discuss the subject, and give her all your motivations the one you just did:
Did I hurt her somehow? What does she mean "can't enjoy a sex life?" etc.

Don't bring up the subject.
TALK directly about the subject.

Tell her you would like to discuss it just once to put these troubles to rest. But also make it clear that if she honestly doesn't want to discuss it, that you'll respect her wishes.

At least then she will know you're fretting about this.

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Confederate

I had a long conversation with my first a little while back. It had been more than a decade wince we lost our virginity to each other. Apparently we are both still pretty sex crazed and our exploits since then were pretty much the same. We talked about our experiences since then and compared notes, it was a lot of fun. Basically I had the exact opposite experience you did. Sorry I can't be any help.

james t kirk

Tell her to see a doctor. A good one. End of story.

I remember my ex from University telling me 4 years later that I had given her Chlamydia. (She was only the 2'nd woman I had ever slept with and there was 2 years between my first and her) She had never mentioned that while or after we were dating. Just 4 years later we started seeing each other and she tells me that I gave her Chlamydia, but that "it's ok, you probably didn't know you had it."

Anyway, I was freaked and went to the Sexually Transmitted Disease Centre at Toronto Western General.

The doc there listened to my story and said, "you don't have Chlamydia, if you did, you'd be having some serious problems by now"

He tested me anyway. The results were negative.

I went back to her and told her that she may have gotten chlamydia, but you didn't get it from me. She simply accepted it and asked me if I got a hard on when the male doctor was examining me.

Seaver

Yeah she needs to see a doctor. Unless you're enormous, all tearing would be temporary and would not affect her past a few weeks. Some women have issues in which they clamp down, and all insertion hurts unless they go through a long process of therapy. Essentially its the same reaction when someone touches our anus, we instinctively clinch up. If that's the case it has nothing to do with you.

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"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

Meier_Link

Man, you should be proud... First time and you were already tearing it up!

But seriously, unless you fucked her with a knife, she's got problems that you did nothing to cause.

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life is a sexually transmitted disease

Ambiguity

Well, truth be told, since then I've had an amazing sex life, full bore, lol. So I think the concern I feel is based on how great of one I have been lucky to have had so far.

<----lol.

I'm thinkin about writing it down for her. So it's all laid out. If she chooses to read it is her decision.

Anyone else have similar experiences?

Crack

This chick sounds awesome.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

MSD

I have no way of contacting anyone I had any sexual contact with in high school, and college was pretty boring for the parts of me below the belt.

Plan9

My god, the woman I lost my virginity to must be like 40 now. Forgot about that.

Hello, Mrs. Robinson.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Halanna

This just seems weird to me. For her to come right out and say this then to maintain contact and refuse to talk about it - my instincts say something is off.

My first thought is she has obviously been to a gyno after all these years, any problem she had would have has been solved by now.

Unless you are the size of a baseball bat, and you only had vaginal sex, there are no places other than the usual for there to be any tearing. In normal teenage sex, as you described, you could not have done any long term damage to any part of her. Now if you used toys or unconvential impalements then maybe, but not to the degree she has stroked your guilt to.

So, I move to my second thought. You say you have a "close" relationship. Do you answer the phone every time she calls? Do you help her if she makes a request? Do you feel like you need to "be there for her"? Is your confusion and guilt making you more available to her than you would be under other circumstances? If the answer to any of these is yes, then her goal is accomplished.

If I were you I would say, "Look, I need to understand what you are talking about. What does your doctor say? What exactly happened because I don't understand."

If she continues to refuse, then look for the reasons she is trying to keep you in her life. Not for how you physically hurt her.

MinorFatality

I wonder if she really means its a physical problem, or if she's trying to hint that however the breakup happened, she really misses you and her heart was "torn" about it.

Shell

...for her to casually mention in one sentence that you damaged her and caused her to be unable to have sex, and then not be willing to discuss it any further is just flat-out cruel. Then joked about you at the doctors office. She sounds like a game player to me...not nice. And making you feel guilty gives her an edge in controlling you. Has she asked you for financial assistance by any chance? ...just a wild guess.

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..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

cellophanedeity

Unless you raped her, which you didn't, any sexual dissatisfaction or confusion is not your fault. It's because of her personal mental and physiological issues. Her vaginal walls may have torn a bit during sex, but you didn't hurt her intentionally, so don't let it weigh heavy on you.

This isn't your fault, nor is it your problem, even if you're still friends.

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who am I to refuse the universe?
-Leonard Cohen, Beautiful Losers

Zeraph

Virginity isn't real. It's not something that can be taken or given. With respect; get over it.

AVoiceOfReason

I've had a lengthy email correspondence with my first, and found out I was HER first as well. We had both bluffed as to our experience, I called it and neither of us knew the other had been lying (yes, there was evidence it was her first time, but I thought I'd caught her as her period was starting, since she'd led me to believe she had done it before). It was interesting to get her perspective after all these years (34 years ago); she always thought I knew it was her first time. No hard feelings from either of us, just the conclusion we were a pair of goobers, and if we'd been more honest with each other, things between us might have been different.

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AVOR

A Voice Of Reason, not necessarily the ONLY one.

Charlatan

I doubt I will ever see or even speak to my first again. I lost touch with her shortly after the one time we had sex and that was that.

Quite frankly, I don't really want to speak with her again. We had nothing in common besides a night of sex. That said, my second time, I have been in touch with and it wasn't awkward per se but it wasn't super comfortable either. It's been over 20 years since we dated. We are very different people now.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
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Xerxys

I miss my first desperately.

girldetective

Hello to you, too, Crompsin.

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Shaindra

LMAO...I missed this!

So tell us Crompsin...was she good? Because I'm telling you, if she was good then, she's even better now.

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