Strong feelings for sister-in-law - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

curiousbear · 08-26-2008, 07:40 PM

Will I too thought about a trio. But abaya is right. Here there is a problem in the marriage. If he has a perfect time with his wife and still getting attracted or aroused with his SIL and if there is a kinky wavelength with WIFE he could frankly tell her... But he mentions "Sometimes I wonder if I should have married her instead of my wife." this is a problem in their very own marriage that they NEED to fix. after all he sounds to be a responsible concerned good husband. I think he will grow out of it

Ayashe · 08-26-2008, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elsesomebody

Thanks abaya. I think its great advice. I see my sister-in-law a few times a year. Obviously the feelings are strongest before during and after being around her or even talking to her online. I can basically rule out the chemical thing, unless the anticipation of the chemical reaction brings as strong of a response (which isn't unrealistic when you consider chemical dependency).

I also have an addiction to pornography/masturbation (which I'm also trying to overcome). I would not be surprised if the addiction is at least partially a chemical dependency. The point being that whether its chemical or just personality, I think there is a common flaw causing both of these problems.

I think the key in your situation is approaching these issues. As has been said throughout the thread your situation needs handling by a professional. It is easy to be caught up in a fantasy life and dreams but reality tells us that love goes far beyond any chemical attractions and desires. I wish you the best of luck.

elsesomebody · 08-27-2008, 11:23 AM

An idea came to me last night, sort of a strategy or technique, almost game, that will at least help with some of my problems, and steer me back in the right direction. I'm pretty sure some causes of my problems include missing "the chase", lacking newness, wanting to conquer the unreachable. I can see these causing my lack of affection for my wife, and too much affection for my sister-in-law. Something I'm sure I already mentioned is that I'm frustrated with our sex being boring, and not doing new things and positions. The strategy/technique/game is to overcome this (and the things that make it hard for her to open up sexually), using whatever means seem appropriate. Whether its candle light dinner, flowers, going down on her, etc, which nearly all would improve the romanticism that I know she's been missing. I'm not suggesting I buy her off with flowers or oral sex (I've already tried the latter

), rather adding passion and romance that I can't help but think will carry over to the bedroom. I don't consider this to be THE solution, but I think its part of it, and its a win-win for both of us.

Also, I guess I didn't mention this publicly, but only in private to abaya: She has asked, "Are you in love with my sister?" and/or "Do you like my sister more than me?" which I have denied. This combined with other things, makes me pretty sure she has a pretty strong suspicion. Everybody is a little different, and how it would affect her if she found out it hard to say. I think its something that would hurt her for a long time. I know her knowledge and awareness of my addiction to pornography has caused her more grief than it has helped me conquer it. If I can work through this on my own (with or without counseling), she won't have to deal with it. For now, I'm not going to bring this up with her, unless I know its necessary to overcome this.

Leto · 08-27-2008, 12:05 PM

The problem with sisters-in-law is that they are often the most intimate female people that a guy has in his life, who aren't either their own sister or their dental hygenist.

So there is always the closeness, without being related and the "what-if" question. what if I met her instead of my wife. Would we have made a couple?

Well, you have to step back and assess why you met and hit it off with your wife in the first place. Often you will realize that you have the 'pick of the litter' so to speak. that flirtatiousness that you perceive may only be that. Comfort brought on because of the nature of your relationship with her sister. Don't read too much into it but that.

The last thing that I would do is to complicate and poison what could be a comfortable familial dynamic because of your fantasies. be strong, take matters into your own hands, and treat your wife with the respect that she deserves. Remember why you liked her in the first place. I'm sure it wasn't in order to get into her sister's pants.

abaya · 08-27-2008, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elsesomebody

An idea came to me last night, sort of a strategy or technique, almost game, that will at least help with some of my problems, and steer me back in the right direction. I'm pretty sure some causes of my problems include missing "the chase", lacking newness, wanting to conquer the unreachable. I can see these causing my lack of affection for my wife, and too much affection for my sister-in-law. Something I'm sure I already mentioned is that I'm frustrated with our sex being boring, and not doing new things and positions. The strategy/technique/game is to overcome this (and the things that make it hard for her to open up sexually), using whatever means seem appropriate. Whether its candle light dinner, flowers, going down on her, etc, which nearly all would improve the romanticism that I know she's been missing. I'm not suggesting I buy her off with flowers or oral sex (I've already tried the latter

), rather adding passion and romance that I can't help but think will carry over to the bedroom. I don't consider this to be THE solution, but I think its part of it, and its a win-win for both of us.

This approach certainly can't hurt.

Let us know how it goes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by elsesomebody

Also, I guess I didn't mention this publicly, but only in private to abaya: She has asked, "Are you in love with my sister?" and/or "Do you like my sister more than me?" which I have denied. This combined with other things, makes me pretty sure she has a pretty strong suspicion. Everybody is a little different, and how it would affect her if she found out it hard to say. I think its something that would hurt her for a long time. I know her knowledge and awareness of my addiction to pornography has caused her more grief than it has helped me conquer it. If I can work through this on my own (with or without counseling), she won't have to deal with it. For now, I'm not going to bring this up with her, unless I know its necessary to overcome this.

Thanks for bringing this to the public thread, as I think it needed to be mentioned in the discussion. I guess it all depends on the individual. As a woman, if I had strong enough suspicions to ask my husband right out if he had feelings for another woman (especially my sister), I would be emotionally prepared for him to say yes... because in my heart, I would know that it was true, at some level. You just don't ask those questions casually, you know? But sure, maybe she's different. Good point about the porn causing her more grief than actually helping you get over it. I think it's excellent that you are considering at least individual counseling. But if you go, are you going to tell your wife that you are at least seeking out counseling? (I can't imagine hiding such a thing, even if you kept the reasons private--but that's me.)

elsesomebody · 08-27-2008, 12:36 PM

I would not hide that I was getting counseling.

BDSM_BEAR · 08-28-2008, 11:47 AM

There are ways to work this out without revealing your feelings for SIL! Before the next visit, ask your wife if she's noticed how her sister flirts whit you. When she asks "why". Tell her it has made you"uncomfortable" at times. Ask her how she thinks you should handle it. It may be, that they have "shared" BFs in the past, and that they both know what's going on, and you don't. STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED!
This way, you have 1)Let your wife know that something has you "uncomfortable", 2) aAsked for her help, WITHOUT getting yourself in too deep.
Her answer will determine what further decisions need be made.

pig · 08-28-2008, 02:22 PM

Yeah...and then you might be passive-aggressive-type putting the blame on the SIL, and starting a whole shit storm of sister fights that don't sound like they're really the SIL's fault, at least from what's been posted here. I've had girlfriend's sisters flirt with me some in the past, and mostly it was just a playful way of them showing that they accepted me as non-threatening. I always interpreted it as a way to deal with the inevitable mild sexual tension that can creep up any time two people of the appropriate sexual preferences are in each other's presence for extended periods of time. I don't think the problem here is the flirtation,per se, but rather the desire to actually fuck the SIL, or have a quasi-'wish we were fucking...ahhh...give me a little kiss on the cheek instead' relationship.

Leto · 08-29-2008, 04:02 AM

bingo. see post 44.

AllAboutEve · 09-17-2008, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmc

I have a friend, who lives in Wyoming, and one night he had a dream about an old high school GF. He looked so stunned when he and his wife woke up - that she asked him what he was worried about. He sat up and told her that he had just had an erotic dream about his old GF. - boom just like that.

She asked him if he wanted to be with her. No wild emotions, just a deep and loving question.
He thought about it for a while and later that morning - he told her that he wasn't sure. What he did know was that he did not like the way his life and his career was going ( they had moved from La - to Wyoming 2 years earlier, as a job promotion.)

He told me this story some several years after this dream and conversation.

Then he said - he knew that he didn't like his job and she sat with him while he thought about all this. Then she looked at him, and told him she wanted him to be happy - and that if he knew he was now realizing that he was in the wrong job, in the wrong part of the country - that she wanted him to go in and quit today ! And they would move back to Louisiana - no matter how much they might lose on their house and move back. And that is EXACTLY what he did.

That very day, re resigned. That night he told her how relieved he felt, and how free he now felt. He told me that they stayed up most of that night - just holding each other and - get this - celebrating his decision and their resolve to do what made them feel happy and content. The next morning - he told ( now 2 days after the original old GF dream ) that he thought about his old GF - (which was like 10 years ago - fyi) and realized that when he was dating her - he felt free in his life - and what he really wanted was that feeling of freedom and total love. AND HE had with Her - his wife. That was it. His dream was message from an angel to be happy. The whole thing, had almost nothing to do with his old GF.

When he told me this story - about 4 years after they moved back to LA - we were driving at night on a business trip - and it was about 11 pm at night. I was actually the one driving and when he finished he was crying, and he told me how much he loved his wife. I told him I had to stop the car and get out and breath -- as I felt overwhelmed with how much Love his wife has for him. I also asked him is she had any eligible sisters - as I wanted to be in relationship like that !

Her Love for him was a hundred times bigger, stronger and better than his dream of an old GF.

Isn't that something ! I get chills even now telling this story - and this is something that happened over 10 years ago. Love solves all. Be the love you want, desire and deserve in your whole life.

P.S. - they are still happily married and are one of my favorite couples on the planet.

I've been reading this forum for a while.... this post encouraged me to come out of the shadows and register here cmc....

It's a beautiful story... I'm so glad you shared it.....

08-28-2008, 02:22 PM	#48 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	Yeah...and then you might be passive-aggressive-type putting the blame on the SIL, and starting a whole shit storm of sister fights that don't sound like they're really the SIL's fault, at least from what's been posted here. I've had girlfriend's sisters flirt with me some in the past, and mostly it was just a playful way of them showing that they accepted me as non-threatening. I always interpreted it as a way to deal with the inevitable mild sexual tension that can creep up any time two people of the appropriate sexual preferences are in each other's presence for extended periods of time. I don't think the problem here is the flirtation,per se, but rather the desire to actually fuck the SIL, or have a quasi-'wish we were fucking...ahhh...give me a little kiss on the cheek instead' relationship. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

08-26-2008, 07:40 PM	#41 (permalink)
curiousbear Addict Location: WA	Will I too thought about a trio. But abaya is right. Here there is a problem in the marriage. If he has a perfect time with his wife and still getting attracted or aroused with his SIL and if there is a kinky wavelength with WIFE he could frankly tell her... But he mentions "Sometimes I wonder if I should have married her instead of my wife." this is a problem in their very own marriage that they NEED to fix. after all he sounds to be a responsible concerned good husband. I think he will grow out of it

08-27-2008, 11:23 AM	#43 (permalink)
elsesomebody Tilted Location: North Carolina	An idea came to me last night, sort of a strategy or technique, almost game, that will at least help with some of my problems, and steer me back in the right direction. I'm pretty sure some causes of my problems include missing "the chase", lacking newness, wanting to conquer the unreachable. I can see these causing my lack of affection for my wife, and too much affection for my sister-in-law. Something I'm sure I already mentioned is that I'm frustrated with our sex being boring, and not doing new things and positions. The strategy/technique/game is to overcome this (and the things that make it hard for her to open up sexually), using whatever means seem appropriate. Whether its candle light dinner, flowers, going down on her, etc, which nearly all would improve the romanticism that I know she's been missing. I'm not suggesting I buy her off with flowers or oral sex (I've already tried the latter ), rather adding passion and romance that I can't help but think will carry over to the bedroom. I don't consider this to be THE solution, but I think its part of it, and its a win-win for both of us. Also, I guess I didn't mention this publicly, but only in private to abaya: She has asked, "Are you in love with my sister?" and/or "Do you like my sister more than me?" which I have denied. This combined with other things, makes me pretty sure she has a pretty strong suspicion. Everybody is a little different, and how it would affect her if she found out it hard to say. I think its something that would hurt her for a long time. I know her knowledge and awareness of my addiction to pornography has caused her more grief than it has helped me conquer it. If I can work through this on my own (with or without counseling), she won't have to deal with it. For now, I'm not going to bring this up with her, unless I know its necessary to overcome this.

08-27-2008, 12:05 PM	#44 (permalink)
Leto Junkie Location: The Danforth	The problem with sisters-in-law is that they are often the most intimate female people that a guy has in his life, who aren't either their own sister or their dental hygenist. So there is always the closeness, without being related and the "what-if" question. what if I met her instead of my wife. Would we have made a couple? Well, you have to step back and assess why you met and hit it off with your wife in the first place. Often you will realize that you have the 'pick of the litter' so to speak. that flirtatiousness that you perceive may only be that. Comfort brought on because of the nature of your relationship with her sister. Don't read too much into it but that. The last thing that I would do is to complicate and poison what could be a comfortable familial dynamic because of your fantasies. be strong, take matters into your own hands, and treat your wife with the respect that she deserves. Remember why you liked her in the first place. I'm sure it wasn't in order to get into her sister's pants.

08-27-2008, 12:36 PM	#46 (permalink)
elsesomebody Tilted Location: North Carolina	I would not hide that I was getting counseling.

08-28-2008, 11:47 AM	#47 (permalink)
BDSM_BEAR Upright Location: "God's Country", Nothern NH	There are ways to work this out without revealing your feelings for SIL! Before the next visit, ask your wife if she's noticed how her sister flirts whit you. When she asks "why". Tell her it has made you"uncomfortable" at times. Ask her how she thinks you should handle it. It may be, that they have "shared" BFs in the past, and that they both know what's going on, and you don't. STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED! This way, you have 1)Let your wife know that something has you "uncomfortable", 2) aAsked for her help, WITHOUT getting yourself in too deep. Her answer will determine what further decisions need be made.

08-29-2008, 04:02 AM	#49 (permalink)
Leto Junkie Location: The Danforth	bingo. see post 44.