ethnic preferences in dating - is it discriminatory? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sound chaser · 08-15-2008, 08:49 AM

I really like indian women (from india in asia, not native american) and would love to date one.

But is it wrong to have an ethnic preference as to whom one wants to date? Is it being too discriminatory? Is it any different from saying that one only likes to date blondes or women with long hair?

Willravel · 08-15-2008, 08:55 AM

It strikes me as being discriminatory if you hate or have intolerance, but simply being attracted to a member of a race doesn't seem hateful or intolerant.

Jinn · 08-15-2008, 08:56 AM

No. It's a personal preference, but a categorical belief about their ability or disability, or even one known to the general public.

If you really want to get down to pedantic, it can't be called discriminatory if it isn't known. Who knows your thoughts but you?

Martian · 08-15-2008, 08:58 AM

I prefer women with long, dark hair. Am I discriminating against blondes?

Do what makes you happy. As long as you're not hurting anyone, there's no reason to worry about it.

Bill O'Rights · 08-15-2008, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sound chaser

But is it wrong to have an ethnic preference as to whom one wants to date?

Absolutely not.

It's the same as my own preference to redheads. It's what you find attractive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sound chaser

Is it being too discriminatory?

That's up to you, really.

I mean if you are completely ambivilent to all other women, that don't fall within your "preference", then yes you are being discriminatory. But not in the sense that I think that you are using it.

As I said...I prefer redheads...but I married a brunette.

Xazy · 08-15-2008, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill O'Rights

Absolutely not.

As I said...I prefer redheads...but I married a brunette.

Same but do no mention that to Doc (my wife), she knows but i do not talk about it in front of her. Hmm maybe a wig...

Baraka_Guru · 08-15-2008, 09:21 AM

It's a positive discrimination, rather than a negative one. If I like Indian women, it's not like I hate everyone else. I just prefer them. This has pretty much been said already.

For example, I'm not discriminatory against gays by being straight—I'm positively discriminatory by my preference for women.

There is a difference between preference and prejudice.

LoganSnake · 08-15-2008, 09:44 AM

I'm the same way. I like members of one race (well, more than one) and am not attracted to about 70% of members of another. I'm open about it.

levite · 08-15-2008, 09:48 AM

Yeah, I don't think having likes and dislikes about who you're attracted to counts as discrimination. Ethnicities have common physical characteristics, and what are we initially sexually attracted to, if not physical characteristics?

You like Indian women. Why wouldn't you? They're very luscious. But I'm sure it's not like if a smokin' hot redhead named Bridget started playing tug-of-war with your trouser weasel, you'd be like, "Hands off! You're Irish!"

"Preference" doesn't have to mean "Obssession."

Ayashe · 08-15-2008, 09:50 AM

How can you call a preference discriminating. It would be a shame to meet someone who you had everything in common with but not the right hair/eye color and not give it a thought. Though if you do not have the attraction, it simply is not there. Not much you can really do about it.

Leto · 08-15-2008, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martian

I prefer women with long, dark hair. Am I discriminating against blondes?

Do what makes you happy. As long as you're not hurting anyone, there's no reason to worry about it.

well... yes if fact you are being dicriminating in your tastes. Is that bad? No. We all have preferences and choose accordingly.

What is not good is if you let your preconceived notions, your prejudices, influence your behaviour in a bigotted manner. To like a girl for her physical attributes is fine. To demean those that do not fit your preferences is bigotry and is not fine.

mixedmedia · 08-15-2008, 10:28 AM

I don't think there's anything wrong with having such a preference, but I imagine if I were an Indian woman dating a white man and I found out that all or most of his former girlfriends were also Indian, it would give me pause. Not saying I would break-up with him, but it would make me wonder how much he was attracted to me and how much he was attracted to my ethnicity.

MSD · 08-15-2008, 10:56 AM

Human attraction is irrational. Asking why I'm attracted to redheads my age, but blonde MILFs is like asking why I usually listen to death metal while I'm at my desk but tend to play gangsta rap while I'm driving; I have no idea, it's just what I like. It's hardwired into us somewhere, and as we decipher the brain we might figure it out someday.

Jinn · 08-15-2008, 11:04 AM

I like short blond women but I'm dating a 5'9" brunette for the last 3.5 years.

I like "Alternative" and "Classic Rock" in mixed company, but when no one is looking I listen to Hannah Montana, Hillary Duff and DMX.

MSD is right, attraction is so fickle and fleeting it'd be dangerous to say anything was your preference forever..

jorgelito · 08-15-2008, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill O'Rights

Absolutely not.

It's the same as my own preference to redheads. It's what you find attractive.

That's up to you, really.

I mean if you are completely ambivilent to all other women, that don't fall within your "preference", then yes you are being discriminatory. But not in the sense that I think that you are using it.

As I said...I prefer redheads...but I married a brunette.

Somewhere, Allison Hannigan is devastated

-----Added 15/8/2008 at 03 : 39 : 11-----

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedmedia

I don't think there's anything wrong with having such a preference, but I imagine if I were an Indian woman dating a white man and I found out that all or most of his former girlfriends were also Indian, it would give me pause. Not saying I would break-up with him, but it would make me wonder how much he was attracted to me and how much he was attracted to my ethnicity.

Good point. Nice post.

Cernunnos · 08-15-2008, 11:49 AM

I am unattracted to stupidity, ignorance, religiousness, obesity, and dry skin. At the former side of the spectrum, it seems perfectly appropriate to avoid relationships with stupid people, while at the latter end, it's somewhat ridiculous to write someone off over dry skin.

I have a preference for intelligence and smooth skin, but you can guess which matters more to me. Lacking one is a potential deal-breaker while the other isn't going to trouble me whatsoever. Is this discrimination? Only with regard to potential lovers.

Borla · 08-15-2008, 12:14 PM

My preference is usually for caucasian women with long dark hair and nice curves. However, I am pretty sure I can say I've come across (either in real life, or seen pictures) women of just about EVERY ethnic group, hair color, or body type (excluding grossly obese) that I thought were very, very attractive. Just because my "type" might be somewhat specific, there are other women far different from that that occasionally knock my socks off so to speak when I see them. I don't think it's discriminatory in the least. I'm not less attracted to asian women, or black women, or Indian women BECAUSE they are from that ethnic background. :shrug:

sound chaser · 08-15-2008, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedmedia

I don't think there's anything wrong with having such a preference, but I imagine if I were an Indian woman dating a white man and I found out that all or most of his former girlfriends were also Indian, it would give me pause. Not saying I would break-up with him, but it would make me wonder how much he was attracted to me and how much he was attracted to my ethnicity.

OK. But if a man likes brunettes, and only really dates brunettes, then should his next girlfriend worry that he is only dating her because of her brown hair?

mixedmedia · 08-15-2008, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sound chaser

OK. But if a man likes brunettes, and only really dates brunettes, then should his next girlfriend worry that he is only dating her because of her brown hair?

1. I didn't say I would 'worry.' I said it would make me wonder.

2. In a way, yes. Ever seen Vertigo?

I am only speaking from my own personal point of view. I said quite explicitly that there was nothing wrong with having the preference, but I would not be thrilled at finding out after I had been dating someone for a while that I was chosen for matching certain pre-determined physical criteria.

Tully Mars · 08-15-2008, 07:54 PM

I agree with what many others have said. I think it's pretty much hardwired in, it either work for you or it doesn't. How it got there... who knows? Nature? Nurture? Really who cares? I think we all have physical types we find attractive. personally I think some of it's learned behavior. I've always had a thing for fair skinned redheads since my junior year in high school.... and I know exactly why. I have a friend, really more of a friend of a friend, who seems to really like large ladies. Really large. The other day over dinner he mentioned how much he liked the waitress. I think his exact words were "she's hot." I'm guessing she was well over 250lbs and not much over 5'. I thought maybe there was some cultural or crude joke thing happening. I asked my friend later if he was kidding or being mean, or??? "No, all his girlfriends have been really large." Not my cup of tea, but if it works for him more power to him. Someone for everyone.

With my personal preference I view my current residence as a sort cruel ironic joke.

toxic515 · 08-16-2008, 09:28 AM

it's discretionary, not discriminatory.

jorgelito · 08-16-2008, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tully Mars

I agree with what many others have said. I think it's pretty much hardwired in, it either work for you or it doesn't. How it got there... who knows? Nature? Nurture? Really who cares? I think we all have physical types we find attractive. personally I think some of it's learned behavior. I've always had a thing for fair skinned redheads since my junior year in high school.... and I know exactly why. I have a friend, really more of a friend of a friend, who seems to really like large ladies. Really large. The other day over dinner he mentioned how much he liked the waitress. I think his exact words were "she's hot." I'm guessing she was well over 250lbs and not much over 5'. I thought maybe there was some cultural or crude joke thing happening. I asked my friend later if he was kidding or being mean, or??? "No, all his girlfriends have been really large." Not my cup of tea, but if it works for him more power to him. Someone for everyone.

With my personal preference I view my current residence as a sort cruel ironic joke.

Sure it's discriminatory. Whether it's negative or positive is another thing altogether.

It is also NOT hardwired. My tastes have changed drastically over the years. I used to like Asian girls, but they are too high maintenance and showed me no love. Then redheads was my thing but we always fight too much. On to the Latina girls, then blondes, brunettes etc. I even went through a fat girl phase. Now, I prefer the Asiany-Mediterranean, ethnically ambiguous look.

But regardless of how you look, at the end of the day, please be a cool chick and not a bitch.

Martian · 08-16-2008, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leto

well... yes if fact you are being dicriminating in your tastes. Is that bad? No. We all have preferences and choose accordingly.

Well, sure it's a discrimination in the strictest sense of the word, but like Baraka_Guru pointed out it's a positive discrimination rather than a negative one. And that's really the key.

Tully Mars · 08-16-2008, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jorgelito

Sure it's discriminatory. Whether it's negative or positive is another thing altogether.

It is also NOT hardwired. My tastes have changed drastically over the years. I used to like Asian girls, but they are too high maintenance and showed me no love. Then redheads was my thing but we always fight too much. On to the Latina girls, then blondes, brunettes etc. I even went through a fat girl phase. Now, I prefer the Asiany-Mediterranean, ethnically ambiguous look.

But regardless of how you look, at the end of the day, please be a cool chick and not a bitch.

Interesting. You've certainly been through more "phases' then I have. But I still say to some degree it is hardwired. More then willing to agree to to disagree on that, or maybe just adjust the definition of "hardwire" a little. I've certainly been with ladies I didn't initially find all that attractive. Once I got to know them I found them interesting, funny etc... Then I found them attractive.

I definitely agree with:

But regardless of how you look, at the end of the day, please be a cool chick and not a bitch.

I've meet women that took my breath away until I listened to them or watched them for a while. Complete bitch simply isn't attractive, IMHO. Though I must admit I've known guys who have had one complete bitch for a girlfriend after another. Must work for them?

Again, someone for everyone.

neflyte · 08-16-2008, 05:09 PM

After much personal thought on this sort of thing, I've concluded that I simply like what I like. If i experience someone (see, feel, communicate with, etc) that "does it" for me, so be it. Like Bill O'Rights, I /prefer/ certain physical characteristics (whether or not I personally have them), but they're not all deal breakers. Whoever I end up with might not have any of my preferences at all!

IMO, a "preference" isn't "discriminatory". Whatever does it for you is what does it for you.

little_tippler · 08-17-2008, 03:01 AM

I don't see a preference as discriminatory.

But, if your preference overrides the actual quality of the person you are with, then maybe you should consider that your judgment is a little impaired by the importance of superficial attraction. For example, if you love busty redheads but all of the ones you have dated have popcorn for brains, you may be selling yourself short for not admitting that sometimes what you want, is not what will be good for you. That being said, I'm sure there's plenty of very intelligent busty redheads out there...so maybe it's more a case of persevering on the quest for the right intellectual match to you, but not disregarding women who are not busty redheads entirely.

What follows here is: "just because she looks how I like, doesn't make her perfect. And conversely, just because she doesn't look quite how I like, doesn't make her less perfect either."

Tophat665 · 08-17-2008, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sound chaser

I really like indian women (from india in asia, not native american) and would love to date one.

But is it wrong to have an ethnic preference as to whom one wants to date? Is it being too discriminatory? Is it any different from saying that one only likes to date blondes or women with long hair?

You say discrimination like it's a bad thing. It's not. Not always or even most of the time. There is no arguing taste, and you must discriminate between those things (in this case opportunities for dating) that meet your taste and those that do not and the grey area in the middle.

If you find that a particular race or ethnicity catches and holds your eye, then enjoy the search. Do keep an open mind, however. I, generically, far and away prefer brunettes to blondes, but I married a blonde because she was the right person at the right time and 14 years later it seems I was right.

curiousbear · 08-17-2008, 10:03 PM

It is definitely NOT discrimination. Discriminitaion is all about hatred and dislike. It is not about what you like or love.

I would have loved plain sex with a kind caucasian girl with red lips (!), a hot playful european girl. If I had been a girl must have loved to sleep with african. I also would love to be with a girl who is bisexual. There is no rational ground for all this liking. And I can never try it all because I am already committed in a relationship.

Be happy and enjoy your liking and attractions. I like Indian girls too al lot.

paparora · 08-22-2008, 02:01 PM

I LOVEE good looking women no matter what race.

But I wont lie, if I had to decide between an Indian woman and any other...id pick the Indian one. Yo op, u wanna share some pics of this girl you're interested in? There are like 0 good looking Indian girls at UMD.

08-15-2008, 08:49 AM	#1 (permalink)
sound chaser Tilted	ethnic preferences in dating - is it discriminatory? I really like indian women (from india in asia, not native american) and would love to date one. But is it wrong to have an ethnic preference as to whom one wants to date? Is it being too discriminatory? Is it any different from saying that one only likes to date blondes or women with long hair?

08-15-2008, 08:56 AM	#3 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	No. It's a personal preference, but a categorical belief about their ability or disability, or even one known to the general public. If you really want to get down to pedantic, it can't be called discriminatory if it isn't known. Who knows your thoughts but you? __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

08-15-2008, 08:58 AM	#4 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	I prefer women with long, dark hair. Am I discriminating against blondes? Do what makes you happy. As long as you're not hurting anyone, there's no reason to worry about it. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

08-15-2008, 09:21 AM	#7 (permalink)
Baraka_Guru warrior bodhisattva Super Moderator Location: East-central Canada	It's a positive discrimination, rather than a negative one. If I like Indian women, it's not like I hate everyone else. I just prefer them. This has pretty much been said already. For example, I'm not discriminatory against gays by being straight—I'm positively discriminatory by my preference for women. There is a difference between preference and prejudice. __________________ Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing? —Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön Humankind cannot bear very much reality. —From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

08-15-2008, 09:44 AM	#8 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	I'm the same way. I like members of one race (well, more than one) and am not attracted to about 70% of members of another. I'm open about it. __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

08-15-2008, 08:55 AM	#2 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	It strikes me as being discriminatory if you hate or have intolerance, but simply being attracted to a member of a race doesn't seem hateful or intolerant.

08-15-2008, 09:48 AM	#9 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	Yeah, I don't think having likes and dislikes about who you're attracted to counts as discrimination. Ethnicities have common physical characteristics, and what are we initially sexually attracted to, if not physical characteristics? You like Indian women. Why wouldn't you? They're very luscious. But I'm sure it's not like if a smokin' hot redhead named Bridget started playing tug-of-war with your trouser weasel, you'd be like, "Hands off! You're Irish!" "Preference" doesn't have to mean "Obssession." __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

08-15-2008, 09:50 AM	#10 (permalink)
Ayashe Psycho	How can you call a preference discriminating. It would be a shame to meet someone who you had everything in common with but not the right hair/eye color and not give it a thought. Though if you do not have the attraction, it simply is not there. Not much you can really do about it.

08-15-2008, 10:28 AM	#12 (permalink)
mixedmedia has all her shots. Location: Florida	I don't think there's anything wrong with having such a preference, but I imagine if I were an Indian woman dating a white man and I found out that all or most of his former girlfriends were also Indian, it would give me pause. Not saying I would break-up with him, but it would make me wonder how much he was attracted to me and how much he was attracted to my ethnicity. __________________ Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

08-15-2008, 10:56 AM	#13 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Human attraction is irrational. Asking why I'm attracted to redheads my age, but blonde MILFs is like asking why I usually listen to death metal while I'm at my desk but tend to play gangsta rap while I'm driving; I have no idea, it's just what I like. It's hardwired into us somewhere, and as we decipher the brain we might figure it out someday.

08-15-2008, 11:04 AM	#14 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	I like short blond women but I'm dating a 5'9" brunette for the last 3.5 years. I like "Alternative" and "Classic Rock" in mixed company, but when no one is looking I listen to Hannah Montana, Hillary Duff and DMX. MSD is right, attraction is so fickle and fleeting it'd be dangerous to say anything was your preference forever.. __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

08-15-2008, 11:49 AM	#16 (permalink)
Cernunnos Insane Location: Orlando, Florida	I am unattracted to stupidity, ignorance, religiousness, obesity, and dry skin. At the former side of the spectrum, it seems perfectly appropriate to avoid relationships with stupid people, while at the latter end, it's somewhat ridiculous to write someone off over dry skin. I have a preference for intelligence and smooth skin, but you can guess which matters more to me. Lacking one is a potential deal-breaker while the other isn't going to trouble me whatsoever. Is this discrimination? Only with regard to potential lovers.

08-15-2008, 12:14 PM	#17 (permalink)
Borla Junkie	My preference is usually for caucasian women with long dark hair and nice curves. However, I am pretty sure I can say I've come across (either in real life, or seen pictures) women of just about EVERY ethnic group, hair color, or body type (excluding grossly obese) that I thought were very, very attractive. Just because my "type" might be somewhat specific, there are other women far different from that that occasionally knock my socks off so to speak when I see them. I don't think it's discriminatory in the least. I'm not less attracted to asian women, or black women, or Indian women BECAUSE they are from that ethnic background. :shrug: __________________ Coimhéad fearg fhear na foighde!!!!

08-15-2008, 07:54 PM	#20 (permalink)
Tully Mars Living in a Warmer Insanity Super Moderator Location: Yucatan, Mexico	I agree with what many others have said. I think it's pretty much hardwired in, it either work for you or it doesn't. How it got there... who knows? Nature? Nurture? Really who cares? I think we all have physical types we find attractive. personally I think some of it's learned behavior. I've always had a thing for fair skinned redheads since my junior year in high school.... and I know exactly why. I have a friend, really more of a friend of a friend, who seems to really like large ladies. Really large. The other day over dinner he mentioned how much he liked the waitress. I think his exact words were "she's hot." I'm guessing she was well over 250lbs and not much over 5'. I thought maybe there was some cultural or crude joke thing happening. I asked my friend later if he was kidding or being mean, or??? "No, all his girlfriends have been really large." Not my cup of tea, but if it works for him more power to him. Someone for everyone. With my personal preference I view my current residence as a sort cruel ironic joke. __________________ I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

08-16-2008, 09:28 AM	#21 (permalink)
toxic515 Addict Location: Texas	it's discretionary, not discriminatory. __________________ Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

08-16-2008, 05:09 PM	#25 (permalink)
neflyte Tilted Location: Kitchener, ON, CANADA	After much personal thought on this sort of thing, I've concluded that I simply like what I like. If i experience someone (see, feel, communicate with, etc) that "does it" for me, so be it. Like Bill O'Rights, I /prefer/ certain physical characteristics (whether or not I personally have them), but they're not all deal breakers. Whoever I end up with might not have any of my preferences at all! IMO, a "preference" isn't "discriminatory". Whatever does it for you is what does it for you. __________________ "I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

08-17-2008, 03:01 AM	#26 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	I don't see a preference as discriminatory. But, if your preference overrides the actual quality of the person you are with, then maybe you should consider that your judgment is a little impaired by the importance of superficial attraction. For example, if you love busty redheads but all of the ones you have dated have popcorn for brains, you may be selling yourself short for not admitting that sometimes what you want, is not what will be good for you. That being said, I'm sure there's plenty of very intelligent busty redheads out there...so maybe it's more a case of persevering on the quest for the right intellectual match to you, but not disregarding women who are not busty redheads entirely. What follows here is: "just because she looks how I like, doesn't make her perfect. And conversely, just because she doesn't look quite how I like, doesn't make her less perfect either." __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

08-17-2008, 10:03 PM	#28 (permalink)
curiousbear Addict Location: WA	It is definitely NOT discrimination. Discriminitaion is all about hatred and dislike. It is not about what you like or love. I would have loved plain sex with a kind caucasian girl with red lips (!), a hot playful european girl. If I had been a girl must have loved to sleep with african. I also would love to be with a girl who is bisexual. There is no rational ground for all this liking. And I can never try it all because I am already committed in a relationship. Be happy and enjoy your liking and attractions. I like Indian girls too al lot.

08-22-2008, 02:01 PM	#29 (permalink)
paparora Upright	I LOVEE good looking women no matter what race. But I wont lie, if I had to decide between an Indian woman and any other...id pick the Indian one. Yo op, u wanna share some pics of this girl you're interested in? There are like 0 good looking Indian girls at UMD.