james t kirk

So, it would seem that the old jokes about women in committed relationships having a reduced sex drive may be quite true after all.

Men's sex drives however remained constant.

The theory is is that women are saving their sex drive for OTHER MEN That they are seeking out better partners.

Men need to keep up their sex drive in order to preven other men from impregnating their womem.

Hmmmm.....

Perhaps a simpler explanation, after 4 years, it's mission accomplished and women feel that they no longer have to be sexy to attract their men since the deal is sealed after that amount of time.




Security 'bad news for sex drive'

Differences in sexual appetite may be driven by evolution
A woman's sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research.
Researchers from Germany found that four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex.

Conversely, the team found a man's libido remained the same regardless of how long he had been in a relationship.

Writing in the journal Human Nature, the scientists said the differences resulted from how humans had evolved.

For men, a good reason their sexual motivation to remain constant would be to guard against being cuckolded by another male

Dr Dietrich Klusmann

The researchers from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital interviewed 530 men and women about their relationships.

They found 60% of 30-year-old women wanted sex "often" at the beginning of a relationship, but within four years of the relationship this figure fell to under 50%, and after 20 years it dropped to about 20%.

In contrast, they found the proportion of men wanting regular sex remained at between 60-80%, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship.

Tenderness

The study also revealed tenderness was important for women in a relationship.

About 90% of women wanted tenderness, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship, but only 25% of men who had been in a relationship for 10 years said they were still seeking tenderness from their partner.

Dr Dietrich Klusmann, lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital, believed the differences were down to human evolution.

He said: "For men, a good reason their sexual motivation to remain constant would be to guard against being cuckolded by another male."

But women, he said, have evolved to have a high sex drive when they are initially in a relationship in order to form a "pair bond" with their partner.

But, once this bond is sealed a woman's sexual appetite declines, he added.

He said animal behaviour studies suggest this could be because females may be diverting their sexual interest towards other men, in order to secure the best combinations of genetic material for their offspring.

Or, he said, this could be because limiting sex may boost their partner's interest in it.

Professor George Fieldman, an evolutionary psychologist from Buckinghamshire Chilterns University College, said: "These findings seem to fit in with anecdotal studies and his explanations seem plausible.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4790313.stm

Jenna

Interesting. After 3 years, my sex drive has definitely decreased. We used to have sex at least once a day, if not more. Now, it's usually 2 to 4 times a week.

However, my guy still has the same sex drive of when we began our relationship. He'd have sex three times a day if we had the time and I had the drive. He's constantly in the mood.

Bear Cub

I think you nailed it right there. A good friend of mine began dating a girl 4 years ago (college freshmen), and in that first year, he received countless "Dude, I want to fuck your girlfriend, she's smokin'" comments. From there forward, it was almost like time lapse photography. She stopped caring about her physical appearance, went from healthy and fit to a fat slob. When another drunk friend called her out on it, her exact reply was "I don't have to look good anymore, I've got Dave."

Willravel

They clearly didn't poll any of my exes.

Bees

All my, ahem, personal research has produced the same findings as the study quoted. Except maybe for the tenderness part. I always look to my partner for tenderness in addition to the high frequency of sex I crave but seldom get.

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blahblah454

Still got their numbers kicking around?

Baraka_Guru

How many four-year relationships have you had?!

* * * * *

This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, but a few clarifications are in order:

Women: They aren't necessarily "saving" their sex drive only for other men; they could be doing it as scaling resources not only to make children but to raise them. If a woman is in a secure relationship with a "genetically fit" male, they have many reasons to maintain that security. Perhaps the drop in sex drive is to limit the tax on the man's resources so that they can continue raise the children that are already being raised.

Men: Sex drive remains constant partly because sperm is cheap and also because it encourages them to seek resources to maintain relationships with females, who are very much so more selective. Very much so. It isn't only about cuckoldry, especially if you consider a man's drive to want sex from more than one female, and a lot of it.

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Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
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snowy

I've actually become better-looking since getting with my SO. He doesn't care one way or the other (doesn't like make-up or girls who dress up too much, and likes me the way that I am, whatever way that is), which gives me plenty of reason to be lazy about it, but the fact is that other people judge you based on your appearance. Before we got together, he was very active, and after dating for a year and a half, I thought it was high time that we get back to that. So I started doing yoga on a regular basis, eating well, and riding my bicycle. It motivated him to start getting active again, and between the two of us, we've lost 80 pounds.

The sex drive definitely declined when we were both chubby. It perked up a bit with the weight loss. More often than not, what interferes with sex is time. We go to bed too late and too tired to get into it. We deliberately try to go to bed a little earlier on certain nights, and we've mastered the art of the before-bed quickie even when we are tired.

We're not four years into our relationship but I really don't see myself not wanting sex 1.5 years from now. I like sex. It's fun.

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Jenna

Wouldn't that in fact, make the men want sex less as well? I can definitely see your view point in this, because when women feel less sexy, they in turn feel less confident and possibly want sex less.

I'm just glad I didn't have to fake anything with my guy. I've always ate how I want and gotten the same amount of exercise. I haven't gained more than 10lbs since we started dating 3 years ago. The only thing is that, I don't care about my make-up/clothing when we're just hanging around the apartment. I still get all glammed up if we're going out though.

Willravel

Oh. Didn't read that part. Still, several 2 year relationships I never saw a drop off. It takes eternal vigilance!

Bees

That may make me want sex a little less but only slightly. The drive is so strong in us (males). Masturbation helps release the pressure a little but the drive is so strong that I will always long to place my seed with my partner over my hand.

BTW - I've been under the knife so when I speak of my seed it is a bit of a misnomer.

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Ustwo

Ah, the naivete of youth.

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Shaindra

4 years is usually about the time there are little critters running around in the average long-term relationship. I tell ya, once kids came on the scene, my libido took a serious nose-dive. It a matter of physical exhaustion, time and just being "touched out".

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ShaniFaye

Dave and I will be 5 years come September and I havent noticed its declined one bit. Time, responsibilities, him being out of the country etc may get in the way....but the desire is no less for either one of us since the day we met.

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abaya

As usual, ktspktsp and I fall far outside the normal curve for anything related to male-female generalizations... and thank god for that! Coming up on 4 years together next month, and my sex drive has only increased... I am pretty much in the mood to be nailed (or it's very easy to persuade me) and/or have an orgasm all the time, any day, any time of day... really.

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mandy

Girl...i feel you.

Healer is always in the mood and sometimes i feel very inadequate because i can't give him what he wants and needs because of my decreased sex drive. In the begining we used to do it in the lounge while my parents were in their bedroom, we used to walk up to my friends house to have sex in the out house while their nanny was doing their washing

and now, i'm quiet ashamed to say this, but if its more that 5 times in a month, its a lot!

i'm a lot more paranoid now. however, i do think that once we're married and in our own house and dont have to worry about the furniture making a noise or someone walking in on us...my sex drive will increase again.

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Baraka_Guru

With all due respect, 2 to 4 times a week is incredibly frequent. (I take that as a good thing.)

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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Ustwo

Back to the OP.

I agree that their are real differences in sex drive between men and women and that womens sex drive goes down as they get secure in a relationship (provided they were at their peak prior).

I don't agree with their conclusions.

I'll try to explain this in non-scientific terms.

As a man, with a sex drive thats never been higher, I can tell you right now new pussy > old pussy in terms of a turn on factor. Mind you its not 'better' in any real sense, its just you are more turned on by someone new no matter how great your spouse is.

I don't need to save my sex drive for anything, its going to be there, the concept of women 'saving' it for other males like in the original article would imply there is a finite supply.

Now women can and are turned on by the concept of a new partner, this for both the men and women makes genetic evolutionary sense, though it seems to be LESS of a factor for them than for men.

I think that the diminished sex drive would coincide more with having children, something that until the current age of easy birth control would be a given for anyone in a multi-year relationship. Perhaps the lack of drive is more related to that (even in childless couples), where being CONSTANTLY pregnant would cause issues.

In summary.

Mens high sex drive leads them to 'cheat' while still getting it on with their wife.
Womens lower sex drive leads them to raise children and occasionally cheat when someone new triggers it.

Most people posting really have not been in a relationship that long, nor have children yet. No less than 10 years isn't that long.

Give it time ladies

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jewels

Stats are just that. Depending which side of the percentage you're on, this isn't necessarily bad news.

I've had several longer relationships, but my 14-year marriage both proved and disproved the stats. After about 4 or 5 years, the decline in sex was mutual. I'm not sure what changed (babies and fatigue, maybe ), but after about two slow years, things became better day by day and, sadly, had been back to multiple times daily for some time by the time we split up.

Sadly, great sex can't save a marriage but it can keep you motivated to try to work it out.

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Ustwo

Someone would be able to argue that it was the insecurity that lead to the increase in sex. I'm not sure if that would be the case, but they would throw you out of the statistics pool

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jewels

Insecurity? About what, lack of sex?

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Ustwo

The insecurity would be in that the relationship was no longer 'secure' as you split up.

I'm not saying that would lead to increased sex, I'm just saying that it would be hard to intemperate with their hypothesis.

Also I think there is a natural 'getting older, old relationship' side that reduces sex drive and a more 'hes no longer attractive, I'm too busy, too stressed etc' side that can also lower that sex drive.

The problem is its very hard to separate 'normal' changes from external fixable ones.

To be clear in a 10 year marriage.

Man at 25 - Good shape, motivated.
Man at 35 - 50 lbs over weight, dead end job, lazy.

So the woman says her sex drive is lower, or is it just on hold?

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jewels

Honestly, I think there's more to it than that. Having children, daily stresses, inability to coordinate having time or energy at the same time ... so many contributing factors. I also found that the longer marriage went through a lull where we were more like roommates than spouses or lovers. Everything, including sex, had become routine.

At about this time, I was just past 35 and began to experience an even more intense libido and found myself bringing a whole new light into the bedroom. I had lost some weight, quit a crappy job and felt like a million bucks. My newfound layer of sexuality had great impact on the man, and so ...

My story is not that atypical, according to some other gals I've talked with over the past few years. But I think women have a lot to deal with with hormones and changes and babies and work and dealing with men

Anyone else experience resurgence with women between 35 - 40?

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Kaimi

My sex drive never took a nosedive in a relationship. I can say that after being a man for a lengthy period of time they often let themselves go to a point. Not caring what they look like, not necessarily showering because they are not going anywhere to impress anyone. Instead of making an effort to be romantic, it turned more into a grab and grope becoming the norm for foreplay. Needless to say, this is a bit of a turn-off and led me to become less apt to initiate sex on my end. Hey, it is great when you can let your hair down and be comfortable with walking around in your underwear, not overly embarrassed if you happen to release a bit of gas etc.. A little bit of effort though would be nice.

Jenna

I know it's still a pretty frequent amount. Just not as much as the beginning of our relationship, thus, there's a decrease in sex drive.

Plus, we have no children, are still really young, and have our own place together. There's nothing really stopping us other than our lives apart (work, school, etc.)

pstarr.nyc

I agree with Baraka. Don't complain about having sex 2 - 4 times per week. I've been married with my wife for almost 10 years... I'm lucky if we have sex once every other month.

james t kirk

Sorry dude.

Time to look for another outlet.