Does she like me? Or am I just imagining stuff? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Elegia · 02-01-2008, 11:29 AM

Hi all.

Before I start out, it might be good to know that I'm a 20-year old virgin and never even had a girlfriend before. I just never really met a lot of girls and never really felt the need to have a girlfriend before. So mind you, I'm totally inexperienced in every aspect of the female mind/behaviour/...

But now I'm in a bit of doubt about a girl in my class I started to like quite a lot, so here's the deal:

She's been in my class for almost three years now, but only at the end of last school year did we start talking. I started to like her, but then with a two month holiday, kinda forgot about her (didn't had her on msn so I couldn't reach her).

Then, at the start of the next school year (almost six months ago now) she asks me if I'd like to work with her on a school project, which I happily accepted. During the next months we start chatting quite a lot on msn and work really well together. So I start to like her now more than ever. On a two day conference (about two months ago) which we had to attend for school, we basically were sitting and walking together all the time and with that event and the weeks thereafter I get the idea that she really likes me too (she's been giving me those stares occasionally and starts chatting (msn, that is) almost every evening, amongst other small signs (or well, I think they're signs :d)).

Now, since about two weeks, I'm getting the idea that she's trying to ignore me or so. Well, not really ignore me, but I feel like she's dropping her interest in me. We just started working on a large-scale project for school in groups and there's a guy working in her group in whom she seems to take more interest for the moment. Usually, she starts a conversation on msn every evening after school, but not since last week.

Now, I'm probably just jealous or something, but I really hate to see her paying more attention to him than to me. I really thought something was starting to grow between us, but now that hope seems all lost. She is, however, a very social person, while I'm usually very shy and silent. So the way she acts might just be very normal for her.

To make things more complicated, she has a boyfriend whom she's been dating for over one year. I knew this from the beginning though.

I've been playing with the idea of letting her know how I feel about her, but I'm afraid I might scare her off. Two months ago, we decided to work together for our internship, which starts in about 6 weeks, and I don't want us to feel akward working together or work bad because of what I've told her. Also, with her having a boyfriend, I'm not sure if I should bring it up.

So now I'm a bit lost. Am I just imagining things here, or is/was there really something going on between us? And do you people think I should let her know how I feel or not?

Well, that's quite a read. Even if it turns out to be nothing, I'm still happy I was able to write all this down. It makes me feel a little better

Martian · 02-01-2008, 11:38 AM

I love how we get one of these every 6 weeks or so, and every one is 'a totally unique situation.'

This isn't rocket science, dude. We can observe evidence that it isn't by observing the average population of trailer parks. Stop thinking about it so damn much and just do something.

Personally, I figure women with other dudes are off-limits. It's less about 'not doing that to some other guy' (since she'd be the one hurting him and not me) and more 'if she'll leave him for me, what will she leave me for?' There's plenty of other women out there who aren't so much trouble. On the other hand, if you just feel like you gotta do something then go ahead and do it already. You gotta take the plunge sooner or later.

Infinite_Loser · 02-01-2008, 12:01 PM

I stopped reading when I saw the words "She has a boyfriend". As Martian said, girls with boyfriends should be off-limits. Assuming you tell her and she leaves her boyfriend for you, you're always going to wonder whether or not she'll leave you for another guy. Not the kind of strain you want to put on a relationship.

*Shrugs*

Plus it's bad karma.

Plan9 · 02-01-2008, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martian

I love how we get one of these every 6 weeks or so, and every one is 'a totally unique situation.'

Shauk · 02-01-2008, 12:28 PM

see the question has never ever ever been and never ever should be "does she like me"

it should be "Do I like her?"

if you do, say so.

otherwise you'll set yourself up for years of being "that friend who couldn't say how he really felt"

""""""""" extra quotation marks for you to apply as you see fit.

no seriously, it doesn't matter if she likes you or not, you like her, and until you can come to grips with that and admit it without shame TO HER, then you're going to constantly justify putting the ball in her court.

You're young so, whatever, consider it a learning experience waiting to happen.

it's not that hard, and if anything she'll take it as a compliment and be flattered and politely turn you down if she values you only as a friend.

In the very least, if she's faithful to her boyfriend, you'll be on her radar when that relationship goes bad. It's not a bad place to be, just don't wait around waiting for him to screw it up, you have some experiences to go through.

Martian · 02-01-2008, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shauk

see the question has never ever ever been and never ever should be "does "she" like me"

it should be "Do I like "her"?"

if "you" do, say so.

otherwise you'll set yourself up for years of being "that "friend" who couldn't say how he really felt"

What a fun game!

But I have one left over. You gave me 9.

"

dirtyrascal7 · 02-01-2008, 12:51 PM

You're already in the "friend zone"... she may have given you "signs" before, but you were most likely reading too much into them. You say she's outgoing, so if she really did like you... you would know.

And honestly, I wouldn't bother telling her how you feel... you will just wreck the connection you do have with her. If there was ever a time to tell her, it was probably about a month ago when things were going really well (and even then I'm not so sure due to the long-term boyfriend)... NOT right now when she's being cold towards you, that just reeks of desperation and she will not respond favorably.

Plan9 · 02-01-2008, 01:09 PM

Elegia, consult these interesting (er, colorful) threads:

Goodwill Humping: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=126608

Mekanik: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=120996

Ladder Theory: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=125384

Help Moving On: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=123631

Just Friends: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=125104

jewels · 02-01-2008, 01:13 PM

Sounds like you're a friend, but ...

There is a slim possibility that she was waiting for a move from you to quit the boyfriend and got tired of waiting. Sometimes :coy: we like to leave one on the back burner.

At the opportune moment, you could have asked her how serious the relationship was and gauge your response accordingly. I don't know now if you'll get that opportunity again.

Penny Lane · 02-01-2008, 01:23 PM

i think its best if you dont say anything. if she were to break up with her boyfriend, then i would say you tell her how you feel, but since she is still with him i think its best you keep her as just a friend. especially since you wouldn't want thinks go get weird between you two later on.

i say this because i have a boyfriend, but i spend more time with our other guy friend. this is because my boyfriend and i aren't able to hang out much right now because of an internship he has at a hospital on top of school and his family. i'm comfortable with my friend and i'm always the one that starts our conversations on yahoo at night, and it would be weird if he started taking this as signs of something else.

World's King · 02-01-2008, 05:47 PM

She doesn't like you.

Find a girl without a boyfriend.

Okay. Bye.

Mantus · 02-01-2008, 07:59 PM

The more important revelation is that you do want a girl in your life. This is far from your only chance and it's time to start seeing yourself as a man that desires women.

Elegia · 02-02-2008, 02:59 AM

You people are right. I shouldn't let her influence my life like that. She probably was never serious about me and thus isn't worth it in the first place. It's my life, I only have one and my time is too valuable to be wasted like that.

Thanks for the answers.

MSD · 02-03-2008, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dirtyrascal7

You're already in the "friend zone"

I don't believe in the "friend zone" and limits on how long someone might be interested starting from when you meet, but if she's had a boyfriend for the entire time and she hasn't shown any romantic interest in you, you're just another friend of hers.

Jinn · 02-04-2008, 07:36 AM

Quote:

I don't believe in the "friend zone" and limits on how long someone might be interested starting from when you meet

Out of curiosity, why not?

Martian · 02-04-2008, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JinnKai

Out of curiosity, why not?

I'm not MSD but I don't buy into that stuff either. It's an attempt to oversimplify the rather the rather complex field of human social interactions and frankly it all strikes me as a bit childish.

One of my best friends is currently madly in love and deliriously happy with a man with whom she has recently had a child. They knew each other and were friends for the better part of a decade before they started dating. This is one example of several I can think of that contradict the idea of a friend zone.

Mantus · 02-04-2008, 09:36 AM

The LT and other theories on male female interaction which support the idea of a friend zone are not concrete (there are always variables) but serve as a motivation for men to grow a pair and express their intent.

It's less about how much time you have and more about not being pegged as a dick-less pussy by the girl you want.

Jinn · 02-04-2008, 09:39 AM

Quote:

I'm not MSD but I don't buy into that stuff either. It's an attempt to oversimplify the rather the rather complex field of human social interactions and frankly it all strikes me as a bit childish.

One of my best friends is currently madly in love and deliriously happy with a man with whom she has recently had a child. They knew each other and were friends for the better part of a decade before they started dating. This is one example of several I can think of that contradict the idea of a friend zone.

I don't think it's as much "an attempt to oversimplify" as it is the reason that women typically provide for not wanting to engage in anything further with a guy. "I don't want to ruin this friendship!"

And sometimes it's true.. they would rather keep the friendship then embark on something more and risk losing the friendship too, should the relationship go south.

Therefore it makes sense that developing a close friendship with a woman with whom you'd RATHER have a relationship with is not (averaged out) going to be as successful as immediately approaching her (as a stranger) with the prospect of a romantic relationship.

This also deters the equally common reason for a girl not wanting to pursue something romantic with a friend; she's your friend because she doesn't find you physically attractive. In this case, she might still say "I don't want to ruin our friendship" when she really means "you're not attractive." I've been there, and I wish I would've just heard it up front. It makes a lot more sense than than the former.

I think there's definitely something to be said for the 'friend zone', anecdotally and as a general rule for increasing your success rate in relationships.

World's King · 02-04-2008, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JinnKai

Out of curiosity, why not?

All friends are just a future "you should maybe get tested... " phone call.

dirtyrascal7 · 02-04-2008, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSD

I don't believe in the "friend zone" and limits on how long someone might be interested starting from when you meet, but if she's had a boyfriend for the entire time and she hasn't shown any romantic interest in you, you're just another friend of hers.

How is being "just another friend of hers" not the same as being in the friend zone?

As for the limits... I think relationships are very fluid and the dynamics can change at any time, so there are never any set limits on anything, but there are definitely more opportune times to try and make a move or progress the relationship to the next level... just like there comes a point when the chance of success is too small to justify putting more time and effort into developing a romance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martian

I'm not MSD but I don't buy into that stuff either. It's an attempt to oversimplify the rather the rather complex field of human social interactions and frankly it all strikes me as a bit childish.

One of my best friends is currently madly in love and deliriously happy with a man with whom she has recently had a child. They knew each other and were friends for the better part of a decade before they started dating. This is one example of several I can think of that contradict the idea of a friend zone.

Honestly, what's wrong with simplifying things? Just because it's a slang term doesn't make it childish and doesn't mean there isn't some validity to it. I think JinnKai did a good job of providing scenarios and examples of when the 'friend zone' would apply. Everyone has relationships with people who they have developed a connection with but would never consider seeing romantically for one reason or another... sometimes it helps for a 3rd party to point out where you stand so you can then weigh whether or not that person is worth the time and effort in pursuing.

I think your example only supports the idea of the friend zone... sure it's possible to break out of it and start a successful romantic relationship, but it typically takes a very long time.

MSD · 02-04-2008, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dirtyrascal7

How is being "just another friend of hers" not the same as being in the friend zone?

When has it ever been anything other than an immature attempt to rationalize away a lack of attraction by blaming it on arbitrary time limits and dubious social constructs?

Plan9 · 02-04-2008, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSD

When has it ever been anything other than an immature attempt to rationalize away a lack of attraction by blaming it on arbitrary time limits and dubious social constructs?

Yeah, piss on the symbols, piss on the icons. Hmm, too bad we don't get to choose who lives their sad little lives by said constructs, huh?

Social constructs have as much power as we give them and I'll be damned if I haven't seem them flex some Popeye girth once or twice in my life.

...

A brand name for the same old rotating generic drug that spiraled into this boring dog-humps-leg graduation:

Caveman rape -> women as property -> marriage -> women's lib -> fuck buddies -> emotional chess -> men as pussies -> Craigslist "Casual Encounters."

Or perhaps a placebo... a fake promise pill... something to swallow to feel normal because we need to swallow something.

...

The real question? How many years have American women been regularly wearing pants?

dirtyrascal7 · 02-05-2008, 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSD

When has it ever been anything other than an immature attempt to rationalize away a lack of attraction by blaming it on arbitrary time limits and dubious social constructs?

First of all, you didn't answer my question.

Secondly, you and I apparently have a very different view on what the term "friend zone" means. To me, it has nothing to do with time limits or rationalizing anything... it's simply another way of saying "she only sees you as a friend" or "she's not interested in you romantically" or as you put it, "you're just another friend of hers".

02-01-2008, 11:29 AM	#1 (permalink)
Elegia Upright Location: Belgium	Does she like me? Or am I just imagining stuff? Hi all. Before I start out, it might be good to know that I'm a 20-year old virgin and never even had a girlfriend before. I just never really met a lot of girls and never really felt the need to have a girlfriend before. So mind you, I'm totally inexperienced in every aspect of the female mind/behaviour/... But now I'm in a bit of doubt about a girl in my class I started to like quite a lot, so here's the deal: She's been in my class for almost three years now, but only at the end of last school year did we start talking. I started to like her, but then with a two month holiday, kinda forgot about her (didn't had her on msn so I couldn't reach her). Then, at the start of the next school year (almost six months ago now) she asks me if I'd like to work with her on a school project, which I happily accepted. During the next months we start chatting quite a lot on msn and work really well together. So I start to like her now more than ever. On a two day conference (about two months ago) which we had to attend for school, we basically were sitting and walking together all the time and with that event and the weeks thereafter I get the idea that she really likes me too (she's been giving me those stares occasionally and starts chatting (msn, that is) almost every evening, amongst other small signs (or well, I think they're signs :d)). Now, since about two weeks, I'm getting the idea that she's trying to ignore me or so. Well, not really ignore me, but I feel like she's dropping her interest in me. We just started working on a large-scale project for school in groups and there's a guy working in her group in whom she seems to take more interest for the moment. Usually, she starts a conversation on msn every evening after school, but not since last week. Now, I'm probably just jealous or something, but I really hate to see her paying more attention to him than to me. I really thought something was starting to grow between us, but now that hope seems all lost. She is, however, a very social person, while I'm usually very shy and silent. So the way she acts might just be very normal for her. To make things more complicated, she has a boyfriend whom she's been dating for over one year. I knew this from the beginning though. I've been playing with the idea of letting her know how I feel about her, but I'm afraid I might scare her off. Two months ago, we decided to work together for our internship, which starts in about 6 weeks, and I don't want us to feel akward working together or work bad because of what I've told her. Also, with her having a boyfriend, I'm not sure if I should bring it up. So now I'm a bit lost. Am I just imagining things here, or is/was there really something going on between us? And do you people think I should let her know how I feel or not? Well, that's quite a read. Even if it turns out to be nothing, I'm still happy I was able to write all this down. It makes me feel a little better Last edited by Elegia; 02-02-2008 at 03:01 AM..

02-01-2008, 11:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	I love how we get one of these every 6 weeks or so, and every one is 'a totally unique situation.' This isn't rocket science, dude. We can observe evidence that it isn't by observing the average population of trailer parks. Stop thinking about it so damn much and just do something. Personally, I figure women with other dudes are off-limits. It's less about 'not doing that to some other guy' (since she'd be the one hurting him and not me) and more 'if she'll leave him for me, what will she leave me for?' There's plenty of other women out there who aren't so much trouble. On the other hand, if you just feel like you gotta do something then go ahead and do it already. You gotta take the plunge sooner or later. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

02-01-2008, 12:01 PM	#3 (permalink)
Infinite_Loser Junkie Location: Lake Mary, FL	I stopped reading when I saw the words "She has a boyfriend". As Martian said, girls with boyfriends should be off-limits. Assuming you tell her and she leaves her boyfriend for you, you're always going to wonder whether or not she'll leave you for another guy. Not the kind of strain you want to put on a relationship. Shrugs Plus it's bad karma. __________________ I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

02-01-2008, 12:28 PM	#5 (permalink)
Shauk Confused Adult Location: Spokane, WA	see the question has never ever ever been and never ever should be "does she like me" it should be "Do I like her?" if you do, say so. otherwise you'll set yourself up for years of being "that friend who couldn't say how he really felt" """"""""" extra quotation marks for you to apply as you see fit. no seriously, it doesn't matter if she likes you or not, you like her, and until you can come to grips with that and admit it without shame TO HER, then you're going to constantly justify putting the ball in her court. You're young so, whatever, consider it a learning experience waiting to happen. it's not that hard, and if anything she'll take it as a compliment and be flattered and politely turn you down if she values you only as a friend. In the very least, if she's faithful to her boyfriend, you'll be on her radar when that relationship goes bad. It's not a bad place to be, just don't wait around waiting for him to screw it up, you have some experiences to go through. Last edited by Shauk; 02-01-2008 at 12:30 PM..

02-01-2008, 12:51 PM	#7 (permalink)
dirtyrascal7 That's what she said	You're already in the "friend zone"... she may have given you "signs" before, but you were most likely reading too much into them. You say she's outgoing, so if she really did like you... you would know. And honestly, I wouldn't bother telling her how you feel... you will just wreck the connection you do have with her. If there was ever a time to tell her, it was probably about a month ago when things were going really well (and even then I'm not so sure due to the long-term boyfriend)... NOT right now when she's being cold towards you, that just reeks of desperation and she will not respond favorably. __________________ "Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past." "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

02-01-2008, 01:09 PM	#8 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Elegia, consult these interesting (er, colorful) threads: Goodwill Humping: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=126608 Mekanik: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=120996 Ladder Theory: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=125384 Help Moving On: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=123631 Just Friends: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=125104 __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

02-01-2008, 01:13 PM	#9 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	Sounds like you're a friend, but ... There is a slim possibility that she was waiting for a move from you to quit the boyfriend and got tired of waiting. Sometimes :coy: we like to leave one on the back burner. At the opportune moment, you could have asked her how serious the relationship was and gauge your response accordingly. I don't know now if you'll get that opportunity again. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

02-01-2008, 01:23 PM	#10 (permalink)
Penny Lane Upright	i think its best if you dont say anything. if she were to break up with her boyfriend, then i would say you tell her how you feel, but since she is still with him i think its best you keep her as just a friend. especially since you wouldn't want thinks go get weird between you two later on. i say this because i have a boyfriend, but i spend more time with our other guy friend. this is because my boyfriend and i aren't able to hang out much right now because of an internship he has at a hospital on top of school and his family. i'm comfortable with my friend and i'm always the one that starts our conversations on yahoo at night, and it would be weird if he started taking this as signs of something else. __________________ when two hearts race, both win

02-01-2008, 05:47 PM	#11 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	She doesn't like you. Find a girl without a boyfriend. Okay. Bye. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

02-01-2008, 07:59 PM	#12 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	The more important revelation is that you do want a girl in your life. This is far from your only chance and it's time to start seeing yourself as a man that desires women.

02-02-2008, 02:59 AM	#13 (permalink)
Elegia Upright Location: Belgium	You people are right. I shouldn't let her influence my life like that. She probably was never serious about me and thus isn't worth it in the first place. It's my life, I only have one and my time is too valuable to be wasted like that. Thanks for the answers.

02-04-2008, 09:36 AM	#17 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	The LT and other theories on male female interaction which support the idea of a friend zone are not concrete (there are always variables) but serve as a motivation for men to grow a pair and express their intent. It's less about how much time you have and more about not being pegged as a dick-less pussy by the girl you want.